Sex Question - Winter Park,FL

Do what is comfortable for you. Who cares what everyone else is doing!! I personally would never sleep with someone on the first date!

Wow... I guess I'm old-fashioned... but then again, maybe I'm just old.

It was about 10 months after I met my guy that I had sex with him..... and I married him a year later.

He was, and still is, my only sex partner. We've been married since 1981. (What is that..... 33 years? Wow!)

But, then again, I was raised that you didn't go out and sleep with just anyone.

I realize that some people do things differently..... but, I know that my oldest decided that she would be a virgin when she married... and she was. That was her personal choice, and it worked for her. Daughter #3 chose to do things differently. I tried to teach them both the same ideals, but she made her own choices.

Whenever it feels right to you and to him. Not all sex leads to marriage, or even a long-term relationship, and we don't always want that. It's great if the two of you can talk and agree where you're coming from first, though.

You do what YOU feel comfortable with. For me, I don't care WHAT century we're in, I'm not sleeping with a guy on the first date. Call me prude, but he's gonna have to WORK for THIS piece of a$$!

When should you have sex with this "hunk"?

After he puts a ring on your finger and he says "I do" in front of someone having the authority to perform the ceremony.

My parents told me that any woman worth having was worth waiting for. They were right.

Good luck to you and yours.

Wow, first date is the new norm, how classless.

Then we wonder why the STD statistics are sooo high.

There are two kinds of dating; fun & serious. Fun can mean sex on first date. Serious is when you take the time to get to know someone.

I still believe that if a man really is into you, that he will try to get in your pants, but if you tell him not right now, that he will respect you more and take the relationship more serious. If he leaves, then he really wasn't that into you.

Figure out which kind of dating is your style.

What a bunch of prudes. Jeez. If you want to have sex, have sex.

I would suggest waiting until your divorce is completely final and your kids are all stable and not topsy turvy from all the huge changes they are facing.
Honestly are You ready for another relationship? Do you know what you want so you don't end up in this situation again?

you didn't seem to imply that you slept around alot before you were married so i'm wondering why you would start now, but again, you are an adult so can make those choices.

Condom it up though when you do.

I suppose I'm old fashioned. I wouldn't even date until I was actually not married anymore. I guess...to me...it doesn't really matter how things have changed. You still want to operate with self respect. Even if you are emotionally divorced, you are legally married.This is man who is dating a woman he knows (I assume) is not divorced, yet. More them likely, he just wants to have sex. (There is this idea out there, that recently divorced women are an easy score.) There probably isn't anything serious here, in his mind or intentions. Do you know if he has been tested for STDs? If not, you need to ask. Even if you use a condom, it can fail, or you can get herpes. Is he willing to use a condom? You need to ask. Are you on birth control? Condoms fail.

I just read an article the other day (I *think* it was on CNN. but I could be wrong) on the statistics of recently divorced people. The rate of contracting STDS and getting pregnant is so high. People forget they have to make sure the person they are sleeping with is safe, and they typically jump right in. If I were you, I'd wait. 1.Until you are legally no longer married. 2.Until you know, that he is a "safe" person to sleep with. 3.You know he doesn't just want to get some and move on.

Just my opinion. You can leave it, if it's not what you're looking for!

ETA: Since it's been said...
For the record, I would give the same advice to a MAN. Regardless if gender, this is how I feel. It doesn't just go one way.

Im not sure, I have been with the same man since I was 16, so I have no clue when it comes to adults dating, but if I ever get divorced, Im going to get the biggest, coolest vibrator on the block!

Whats acceptable and what's smart are often different things.

A) Is he a hot piece who you want to bed down but don't necessarily take seriously? First date.

B) Sometimes, sure, things "happen" and you can sleep together right away and still build from there. But often that's a risk if he's dating others, etc...it could end things right away -or they may end quickly anyway and you'll be left wondering if it was because your were so easy....

C) Do you definitely really like him a lot and have serious INTEREST in him as a person and you want him to think you're a bit selective? Then play it safe and PRETEND to be a little bit high rent and don't jump him immediately :)

Oh, yeah and process of divorce with young kids? Another good reason to take the high road and be respectable.

.

Ignore your friend. That's a sure fire way to misery and you just don't need that.

With a child, I'd wait a lot longer than 3 weeks. You need to get to know the guy yourself and gage whether or not he'd be good stepdad material. Otherwise, what is the point, unless you just want to get laid?

If you just want to get laid, then that's a different ballgame, but you open yourself up to caring about him before you find out what kind of stepdad and what kind of partner he would be. And if you care about him because you did the horizontal polka, and then he walks away to other pastures, you're going to be hurt.

Go buy yourself a "friend" from the local vibrator shop and take care of yourself while you get to know this guy. And make sure that when you DO decide to have sex, that you two talk about it first and make sure that you use protection from std's he may not even know he has, as well as a barrier to keep from getting pregnant.

Dawn

Geez, do what you like H., you're a grown up!

:)

Get divorced first - seriously. I think that it's OK to go out and have a little fun, maybe go dancing and make out with a guy, but to date someone seriously enough to consider having sex? Way too early. Go be free - have fun, boost your ego, fool around a bit, but don't have casual sex and don't get into a real relationship for a long, long time. You need time to heal, to reflect, to figure out what went wrong in your marriage to that you don't make the same mistakes again and again. Your kids need your time and energy for their own growth and healing too. I'm not saying that you have to sit at home crying into a cup of tea every time your kids are with their dad for the weekend and live the life of a spinster. By all means, use your kid-free nights to go out with some girlfriends and flirt and have a little fun, but don't get into any type of "relationship" where you spend one iota of your time with the kids thinking about some guy, kwim? The rule of thumb that I've heard is to wait at least a year after the divorce is final to be ready to date someone seriously.

If you do go the casual sex, friends-with-benefit booty call route, please use reliable birth control and wait at least a few dates.

If you are in a process of divorce, it would be best to wait atleast a couple months, maybe even three. Coming out of one relationship & getting into another can lead to regret. Give yourselves time to know each other before you go all the way. Respect yourself first & foremost so your future partner will respect you & treat you like a woman.

Hi H.
Don't have time to read your responses but sounds from your "so what happened replies are harsh"
Well I had sex with my now hubby all night long the first night we met.lol
I am still laughing about it 7 yrs later.
I was dating a guy before I met hubby who probably thought I was such a prude because I wouldn't let him near me. Usually I waited for at least a few weeks before I slept with anyone.
With hubby it felt right so we just went for it LOL.
SO if it feels right go for it and ENJOY.

All the best
B. k

your friend might be speaking from a single person's point of view, with no children - because no single MOM i know is in a rush to sleep with someone, especially on the first date. no way. single moms that i know are VERY choosy, many do not even consider themselves "on the market". so i get what you're asking, and i'd say that in my experience, no, that's not the norm at all. and i know you didn't ask, but no, i don't think dating anyone at this point is a good idea....i would say wait at least a year or two. those two boys have a LOT to deal with...and as their mom i'm sure you don't want to make things harder on them- which starting a new relationship would do. not saying this meanly, just from experience - your boys need YOU more than you need a man. hang in there mama. no one said divorce was easy.

ETA - i really didn't think the answers were harsh at all...i've seen MUCH worse when someone asks about dating after divorce with two small kids...i think you got off pretty lucky really...i expected worse lol.

I think you should be legally divorced first. I still valued my vows enough to be "faithful" while married. JMO. As far as sex goes, I think it depends on your intent and the person. If you just want to get laid then do it. Just not around the kids of course. If you think it may be someone you want in your life, maybe you should wait. Make sure that HE'S in it for the long haul. I waited with my first husband and my second, well, he was pulling my sweater off right after we got home from eating. lol It just depends on a lot of things. The fact that you are even questioning it means you probably aren't ready for that step yet so if I were you, I would wait until the divorce is final. Then figure it out from there. Good luck!

I would at least wait until you're divorced:)

When you want to?
I've only spelt with 3 men (my ex who i was with for 12+ years, one fling who i saw for a few months and my boyfriend) I was in a similar boat as you, asking the same questions

My rule would've been if I wanted the person for purely sex right away (did that one time) well i actually waited a little bit for sex because i like other things=)

after that I was determined to wait until 5 dates to do anything besides kissing and then 1-2 months for sex...I like everthing else better anyway--so partly it was for that reason=)

honestly I think anything past one date is fine if you want a relationship...sometimes one date is fine if the guy is the right guy, but some guys do see that as a sign of someone who "gives it up easy"...it depends on you and it depends on the guy...

i'd say whenever you want to! you're an adult=) have fun...i was paranoid about std's or i wouldve been a slut for a while after my ex (joking i get attached to easy)....instead i J. kissed every hot guy possible for a year and left it at that=)
ETA : I hooked myself up before every date with my boufriend until I knew I was ready so I didnt cave=) sorry tmi...you asked for it=)

I'd wait. It's always good to get to know someone well prior to swapping bodily fluids.
I was with my husband for an entire year before having sex with him, he loved it and still brags about it.
But, times have changed I guess, gals are more like guys. I'm not sure it's the best thing.
jmo

First date? Three weeks? Um, no - you have 2 kids and you need to bring them into a relationship that is secure. And if you're "in the process of getting divorced" then this is still a bit new. I think women need to be comfortable being single parents and really get their feet under them before they complicate it with another relationship. I agree with Dawn about making sure you don't have a guy who's just looking for a woman who he thinks may be desperate to prove she's still sexy and desirable, or a guy who's just looking to get laid. You want to practice those rusty skills of dating and conversation and becoming friends with someone! Dawn is right about STDs too. Be careful. If a man doesn't want your friendship, you don't have much of a future in a romantic relationship. So why give yourself away? And what do you plan to tell your kids about a guy who's spending more time around the house? Even if you date when your kids are with their father, sometimes paths cross. I think you should enjoy the time figuring out who you are and what you want, and not complicate it with a sexual relationship too early.

Yeah things have really changed. I always had a rule that I wouldn't kiss a guy before the 3rd date. HA no one does that anymore. I hear now the norm is that by the 3rd date sex is almost mandatory. To most people today, I am a prude!! People treat sex like it's nothing these days, I do not.

I would say, go with your heart. I see in your SWH you've known him for 20+ years, so your situation is a bit different. I would never sleep with a man on the first date and most men will tell you that those who do are not wife or serious relationship material. I've had male friends tell me they lose respect for her b/c they feel you do that all the time. I always say um what about you? But you know how the dbl standard goes.

I waited a month with my husband. Two weeks of "talking"/"dating". And then two weeks of being a couple. I wanted to wait longer, but he was persistent. :) But we had not just met, either. We've known each other about fifteen years or so. We had been around each other a lot as kids and had recently reconnected. That being said, having sex too early always screwed up with other guys. They'd basically become uninterested in me once I gave it up. Men need the chase until they fall in love. You should wait as long as possible. :)

honestly (and this is my own personal opinion) you should wait until you are married. You have 2 young boys that you need to be a good example for. I really hope you aren't going to introduce them anytime soon! Sorry, but you need to concentrate on your boys and not be wondering when the next time you can have sex is.

H.,

This is an interesting question. I have been with one man and I married him! I was that girl that did buy the "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free". I would look at each boyfriend with the "would I want to spend the rest of my life with him?" question. I dated ALOT. But only one person received the HELL YES! We have been married for 26 years.

Times have changed and so has my attitude somewhat. It seems to me that sex is treated like an extra curricular event or sport. Men and women view sex differently, mostly. For most women are emotionally attached to the act while men physically.

Personally, I would want to wait until my divorce was final. End that chapter before starting a new one. But hey, if you have an itch, scratch it! =)

what is my opinion is be serious to life..you have 2 boys...did you think about their future..?? will they get any best love or any good thing from you or your hus... because of you and your hus..the children's need to face all probs in future...think well what i am saying...

After my divorce, I jumped into something quick while still in the process. I had sex too early, didn't know the guy well enough and didn't even have the "are we exclusive talk"! Ended badly- to say the least. Lesson learned. Since then, I only have had sex with guys after about 4-6 weeks of dating AND after we were exclusive.

I would at least wait until after the divorce is final because some states and some judges can be very particular against you if you are found having sex with another other than your husband. May sound arcaic but is very true.

Generally speaking I would wait as long as possible. Men sitll like the chase and it really helps to get to know him better since you have never known this man for dating purposes.

Take your time there is really no need to rush.

As for having sex on the first date, still more often than not those kind of interactions with men become particularly unhealthy emotionally for women in general.

If his feelings toward you are mutual, then he'll respect your decision to wait to have sex until YOU feel that you are ready. Any respectable man, would not "dump" you just because you didn't give "it" away quickly enough! IMHO!

I'd have a hard time dating if that's the way things are now! I've been with my husband since I was 18 and I'm very old fashioned. Guess I'd better stick with him!

If I were in your shoes, I'd have to ignore what others say and do what is right for me. If that's 1st date or after you're married, it really doesn't matter what others think, unless they're in the bedroom with you. I don't even think I'd ask my friends (not that they'd know -- they're all old and out of touch like me!)

Good luck!

Your friend just gave you some really bad advice. My guess is she is not someone you'd want to emulate. Hold out as long as possible- there are so many reasons that this works in your favor.

Well.....each to their own.

I slept with my now husband the first time we went out in a group, not even a date!! I had known him for a while but we were definitely not even dating. How bad is that?! We dated 7 years after that and have been happily married for 10 :)

i guess it depends on your reasons for doing it, or for waiting.
it really is kind of old-fashioned to hold off just because you don't want to be perceived as 'that' kind of girl. a woman who won't have sex outside of marriage is one thing, but if you like the guy and are eager to scrump happily, think about why you are questioning the wait period.
i don't think wait periods are bad. i think sex is important. the world won't come to an end if a woman just has an itch that needs to be scratched (BTDT), but i do think that lots of emotionless sex has a negative impact on the psyche. while not all sex is necessarily a recreation of the beginning of the cosmos, it CAN be that deep and meaningful and resonant, and should be handled respectfully.
doesn't sound as if you're just wanting to pop off, though. are you waiting because you want to know this person better and have more resonance in the experience when you do proceed? or because you're afraid he won't respect you if you peel down?
i think that's more at the heart of the issue than just 'when'.
ETA i'm so sad that anyone would think of herself as merely a piece of a$$ for which a man has to 'work.' that's not prudery, that's what gals in brothels think.
khairete
S.

Well, I would say anytime you want to and he wants to, assuming that you aren't still married to someone else.

Hi H.

Trust your own instincts.... if you want to go for it, then so be it..if something tells you to wait, then that is just fine.. I wouldn't let others dictate this sort of thing for you... To me, this is one of those situations whereby you are going to get those who say yeah, wait wait wait and others will say go for it..
Again, do what feels right to you....

good luck

Typically there is a minimum of three dates. But, you are an adult. As long as you know the risks involved you can have sex whenever you like.

It depends on the person. When I met my husband, we met one night and I spent the night at his place with a couple of my friends. We'd come in from out of town, and he was a friend of one of the friends. The next night the friends stayed at his brother's house and we slept together. I moved in 3 months later and we were married a few months after that, and have been happily married over 7 years now.

But....neither of us were currently married at the time, nor did we have children. I would have been a lot more cautious if I had had a kid at the time, and if he did I probably would have just stayed in the friend zone with him.

I would urge you to be cautious. It's not just you in this relationship, it's your sons too.

First date? Not that I have ever heard of, but I guess it depends on who your circle of friends are. Personally I've only had sex with one man and we waited until marriage, so I'm probably not the best one to advise you on "which date" is the norm for sex. ;)

As I always say, it is a personal decision. You and you alone know what is right for you. Your girlfriend did not give you bad, nor good advice. It is the generic answer to what goes on in the world today. Many women now think like men...you like him, you sleep with him....I'm just looking for a good time....I just got divorced, the last thing I want is another husband...etc. You have to decide for yourself....does he look like a keeper, are you ready for another serious relationship, do you want to get to know him and develop a relationship, do you want to blow off steam with a good lookin' man? What do you want for yourself? You should keep in mind the kids if you are bringing him home. If not, just be safe and carry condoms. I'm old fashioned and due to the fact that you were shocked by your friends statement, I'm guessing you are to, so deep down inside, you'll know what to do when the time comes. Good Luck!

If you are on the date and you find yourself thinking "damn I wanna do this man" GO FOR IT!!! If you are on the date and you think "yeah I can wait on this one" then wait, do what your body, yeah your body not your head, hell you are just getting out of a marriage suer you have listened to your head alot now go for what you want and listen to your body! lol I am not saying you need to go sleep with every guy, but live a little, you are an adult as long as you are safe and know what you are getting yourself into or should I say who is getting into you then so be it! :)

wow. Remind me not to post a sex related question on here. LOL! No really, I will give you my OPINION, and that is all that it is.... my OPINION. Divorce is very hard. Being a single Mom is very hard. Being a MOm in a bad marrige is very hard. Heck, being a parent these days can be very hard. Do I think that a single MOm should be dating? Umm, sure. Why not? You have the right to take care of yourself, your needs, and your happiness. You actually have a commitment to your children to teach them that it is ok to live your life and for a MOm to have a life and be happy while she is also raising her children and being a Mom. I am happily married, and our children know that my husband and I WILL take time for ourselves and each other, to nurture our marrige and make sure that we remain happily married, and I believe that is one of the greatest gifts that we can give our children. As parents we make so many sacrifices for our kids, but what do we teach them f we sacrifice so much that we even sacrifice our own happiness and end up alone or lonely? Is that what you would want for one of your own children if they ended up in a bad marrige someday? I think not. So, yes, you should start to date at some point after your divorce, and it is ok. As far as the question regarding how soon do people dating engage in intimate or sexual relations, well, times really have changed a lot. It used to be that you could "date" for quite some time before that was even broached in most cases, but these days, it does seem to "pop up" (excuse the pun), rather soon, if not on a first date. That being said, you do NOT have to agree to it or date anyone who does not share values or morals that are in sync with your own in regards to this topic. It really does come down to values or morals/ ethics. Some people regard sex as a real intimate way of showing love and affection and a way to take the relationship to a higher level. Others simply see it as a form of physical gratification. Others see it as nothing more than recreation. I guess your answer will lie in how do you define it? Personally, I view a physical or sexual relationship as more of an intimate relationship and one that is meant to be much closer, and when I choose to become closer with that person and share that part of myself with someone, they are someone who I have fallen in love with. It's very deep for me. I can't use it as a tool or hold it back when I am angry, I love intimacy way too much, however, I do not see it as simply recreational either. One last thing, I know that as a MOm when you start dating, you will worry about how it will effect your children. I have several friends who are single and dating with children, and I have watched some do very well and some who have struggled. I can tell you that the ones who seem to do the best are the ones who try to keep the kids as seperate from their dating life as possible, and who do not introduce anyone to their kids until they know that the relationship is VERY serious. That way they don't have kids getting attached and having their little hearts broken whenever there is another break up or person leaving. It isn't a bad thing to date, and in the event that you do find real love again, your kids can't have enough people in their lives who care for and love and support them. I would just do my best to keep it seperate until you are sure of the guy you are with. Good luck. Have fun, and be safe! <3

Curious question for you....Why would you change the way that you think or what you do because of what everyone else does?

Bravo Kristen C.! I couldn't have said it any better.

First just ignore the nasties on here. I wanted to tell you that your friend is crazy! I am married and have many single and/or divorced friends and I can assure you they are not sleeping with anyone on the first date, one of my friends will NOT sleep with anyone until she is married. So you just have to choose what is right for you. If your new guy does not like your timeline, there is someone out there better for you.

Lord, I'm not sure either. I've been with my husband since '98, so I have no clue. I think when you are ready, you're ready.

I went around the block a few times before I was married. I had my fun, wild and crazy times, and then settled down. I have friends who married very quickly after college and didn't really have that "me" time. Its been four years post divorce for me... For others, it was time to let loose. Really, to each their own.

I'm sure I don't have to say it, but just don't introduce hime to your kids until you're sure he's a constant.

So I work as HR in a restaurant with 225 people ages 18 to about 40. I like you have been out of the dating pool for about the last decade. It is pretty shocking how the (sexual) world has changed. what has happened since then is that sex is something taken rather casually to fulfill sexual desires and not necessarily to strengthen the bond in the relationship or to take it to the next level. Or other prior reasons to have sex with your partner. There is no stigma attached to it for most people. If you feel like you want it you go out and get it because it is really easy to find someone who just needs to fulfill this need. ITs like if you are hungry and you just want to eat. Simple as that. For me personally this is difficult to take. I get that many people dont wait until marriage for sex (most people dont) but at the same time I think it is pretty raunchy to just go find whomever when you have the desire (so often, not always, it is multiple people in a week. Just like you might have dinner at Olive garden one night, applebees the next, and PF changes 2 days later) Of course not everyone is like this but from my observations it is the norm. If you want to wait then wait. I do not think that if I were put in your situation I could take sex so lightly either. I for one was a virgin when I got married and have only been with my husband so it would be rather difficult and a long time before I think I could go there with someone else. That being said I do have needs and would probably have trouble on my own fulfilling that need. It would not be a good position to be in.

H.,
We live in a crazy time when sex has been made into something casual and treated almost like you were sharing a piece of cake together--something that has no effect upon your spiritual, physical or emotional well-being. But sex was never designed to be that. I remember even as a child the title of a book I saw on a bookshelf called "Sexual Suicide" which implied that treating sex casually can be detrimental to our well-being. I know that sex within the bonds of marriage is something that can ultimately be strengthening and renewing to a relationship (it is in my marriage), but if treated casually outside of that wonderful bond can take a terrible toll in so many ways, including on your children--perhaps in ways that aren't outwardly visible. I encourage you to try to look for men who are looking to be the kind of man who doesn't want to take advantage of you sexually, but is more interested in developing a life-long, marriage relationship and who cares about your virtue. That will bring you the most happiness in the long run.
Best wishes,
Liz :)

I believe you know when the time is right for you and what you want out of it. If the first date is the time then so be it. If it's not until marriage then so be it.

Personally if I were back in the dating game first date would be a no no if I wanted more than sex. If sex was all I wanted then I probably would but it doesn't mean you or anyone else has to follow some set of normal rules. It's a personal choice and that's it.

Good grief...

I heard something recently on the tv or radio and it was something like 6 dates.

Yes, there are plenty of people who have sex on the first date, and it's somewhat expected now unfortunately, even in the middle-aged crowd. I thought by dating older men, that they would be a bit more old school, but no. It's disappointing, which is why I'm so down and feeling discouraged about ever finding someone, because it seems that's all everyone is after, and once the dirty deed is done, everything is over.

I guess you should do what feels right to you, whenever it feels right, not following a certain timeline, no matter how modern or old-fashioned it may be. Just make sure you know this person and he will be honest about revealing any STDs and practicing safe sex, and that you feel you have more than sex to make this relationship work, that way, sex won't be the sole focus.

Of course, the longer you wait, the more respectable you may come across in his eyes, but some guys can get sick of waiting and leave. This happened to my co-worker, who was friends with a guy for over 10 years and they have recently become close, but because she won't sleep with him, he has told her they can only be friends because he cannot have a relationship without sex and he has a girl he sleeps with on the weekends to cope with what is missing. He has cut down on the time he spends with my co-worker as a way of "punishing her" and hoping she'll come around. This is a turn off for my co-worker and she feels he's trying to pressure her, but whatever. Hopefully, since you've known this guy for over 20 years, this won't be the case with you, but try to define things and ask what he's expecting of your relationship.

I would wait until you become exclusive to have sex though, and make sure this is discussed, because you may think you're exclusive but he may claim you never spoke about this and wasn't ready to be exclusive. Once you feel you have the same view of what you expect to get out of the relationship, let the pieces fall into place.