Introducing Child to Boyfriend

ETA: A MONTH is NOT "a while" it is four weeks. 28 days. That is NOT a long time.
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M.:

HECK YES it's way to early! You don't even know this guy yourself.

You aren't even officially divorced yet, are you? You posted back in March about doing a divorce yourself.

Please tell me you aren't already sleeping with him! no. DO NOT introduce your son to him. Not until you are officially divorced and have been dating for at LEAST six months and KNOW him - like COMMITTED TO HIM - KNOW him. And really - the first relationship after a divorce? No freaking way. This is more like rebound relationship.

Be on your own. Stand on your own two feet. Provide for yourself and get to know yourself AFTER divorce. You have changed since marriage. You are not the same person you were 5 years ago. Get to know who you are. What you want. And what you deserve.

DO NOT jump into a new relationship and DO NOT introduce your son to him.

Good luck!

A while? No. You have known this man 4 WEEKS. That is not a while. That is an acquaintance. Not even a friend. Yes, it's too soon. This person is practically a stranger to you. This is a no brainer to me. Keep your kid out of your dating life. Unless this man is willing to make a serious commitment to you, and you know each other well enough to be very serious...it's harmful to introduce your child. Do you really want to risk your child getting attached to a man, only to have the relationship not work, and him be out of his life? I hope not. I also hope you are either not sleeping with him, or using birth control. Hopefully the former. (Sorry to be blunt.)

For your sake and the sake of your son...slow down.

I personally would wait til my son was 18 years old. I am serious. I know it is a looong time away...but that would be my decision. Your son has a mom and a dad...he doesn't need another man to come into his life.

I am sorry...this isn't what you were looking for. But this is the decision I have made if something were to happen to my husband and I. This is a hard decision but one that comes from experience after being the child of divorce...whose parents moved on and married other people.

I really wish my parents would have waited til we were gone to then move on to the next family they wanted to create.

Too soon.
You only introduce when you're moving towards a permanent relationship.
Give it 6 months to a year of dating before either of you begin meeting the others kids.
You owe your son some stability in your relationships and that means not having lots of boyfriends coming and going through his/your life.

Too soon.

Wait until you are looking at a ring and a date to introduce the kids.

When you start talking engagement, then introduce them. I'm answering as a child of divorce and of a mom who was a serial dater. Until you know for sure he is marriage material, don't start building that relationship.

If you are just dating socially, don't even bother. If you are dating with the intent of a long term committed relationship with a goal of marriage, then wait till you both start talking about that.

**Good grief for crying out loud-- your Boyfriend likes to move "fast."
And you.seriously.buy.into.that?
You really.believe.him?
And he is already divorced. Who knows how many times he is divorced and what number you are in his dating quota. And he has a kid too. And he is AGAIN, moving fast... with you. And the reason is probably not a nice, reason.
How old is his, kid?
Boy or girl?
You have a boy. Does he only date women with boys?

Question this whole thing: WHY on earth, DOES he move fast?
And, if I were you, I would NOT take it as a compliment. At.all.
Imagine, EVERY woman he meets or likes, he moves fast with them. And they probably all have kids.
At the least, I sure hope he doesn't have some sort of incurable sexual disease.
Again, I would not take his interest in you, as a compliment.
And NO, he is not sweeping you off your feet.
Quite the opposite.
This is all real pathetic.
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No matter how old your child....
Be it 2 year old or 8 years old, kids don't necessarily jump for joy over it.

Now, dating a guy for 1 month and you really like him.
Dating, is just, dating.
It is not anything serious. Nor even monogamous. Even if there are kids, who happen to be involved.

Before I got married, I dated lots of guys that I liked a lot.
That doesn't mean I get all serious with them.
But sure, I liked them a lot, had fun, had lots in common with them, and totally clicked with etc. But that does not mean, I change my life for them nor take them seriously nor even get serious about it and it certainly doesn't mean I marry them... or even think, they are marriage material.
1 month, is hardly anything.
Even 6 months, is hardly anything. It is only preliminary, going out, dating, even if you happen to be monogamous.
And just because an adult has a child... it does not mean that they make a better Boyfriend or are more mature and date-able.

The thing is, even if I didn't have a child... I would NEVER, suppose that 1 month of dating is anything substantial. NO matter, how much I liked the guy and no matter how much we clicked or how much we had fun together. It is only, surface dating at that point.
Not anything, life altering or, permanent.

It doesn't matter how smart the child is. They are a child.
And, if a guy you are "dating" has a kid... your child and his child will probably think it is a play date. They have NO idea, what a Boyfriend is nor what dating is.

Really, even with no children involved, dating for 1 month or 6 months is hardly even that long. And not long enough to even change yourself for or your life.
And after only 1 month of dating, it does not mean playing-house and involving the kids.
Even with no kids, I would NEVER play-house with a guy I was just dating. And only for 1 month.

And ya know, I work at my kids' school. I see lots of kids, who only has 1 parent due to divorce or their parents dating but broke up later. And the kids... have no choice in it. But the Mom, does.
But the child, is expected to just go along with it and be "happy" and be NICE to the Boyfriend. As though, the boyfriend is all the priority. And the child is just a decoration and cute.
Some kids tell me, point blank "my Mom has a boyfriend. I don't like him. She gets mad at me for it...."
How, sad.
No matter how smart your kiddo is, it is a LOT of pressure, for a child... to have to accommodate things like this. Emotionally. And time wise, because their Mom is so excited about the Boyfriend. But golly, what about the kids. I know a girl at my kids' school. Her Mom has a Boyfriend. She and her sister, are pretty much alone. They don't have her time. Much. And they are bored, at home by themselves, with the neighbor watching them. So that Mommy can go dating. And they are really latch key kids.
Sad.

When I was dating... I NEVER EVER, took a guy seriously, after only 1 month. Much less 6 months. AND, it was my decision. I didn't just get serious with ALL the guys I dated. No way. You pick and choose.
Not get all carried away with each guy you date. Especially, if you have a child.
And you certainly do not get all serious... with the first guy you date.

Dating is just dating.
It does not mean anything.
But anyone you date, be sure he and you, go to the Doctor and get tested for STD's.

I see red flags due to him trying to move so fast. What is he looking for other than bedroom fun? Is he in deep debt and looking for a sucker?

I would never ever introduce my child to someone that early on. IF it were me, I would not be dating and having relationships until I had fulfilled my job as mom to my child. When my child turned 18, then I would consider a relationship for myself.

From watching my friends go through this, I really suggest you wait until you are in a VERY committed relationship to do a short introduction (like dinner) but no hanging around together or doing things as a "family" just yet. An introduction only so your son knows who your friend is.

Wait to have him hang around with you and your son until you have a ring on your finger. No sense in having your son get attached only to have that stability ripped out from under him.

I think you need to take things really, really, really slowly.

Only a month is just that--only a month. I'm not saying he isn't Mr Wonderful, but from plenty of observation (I've seen this with friends and family) it would be good for you and this fellow to be seriously committed to each other before deciding to bring your kids into it. Just think? What if your son becomes good buddies with this boy, likes this guy, but it all falls apart in another month? Then he's left wondering why they don't like him and don't want to see him. Kids do tend to internalize those things, and he may wonder what *he* did wrong... he is too young to really understand that this relationship is about the adults.

So enjoy making it about the adults first, for a few months at the very least. Personally, as much as young children can get attached to the boyfriend/girlfriend of their parent, if it were me I wouldn't be introducing my kid to someone until I was at the point that we were engaged and had done some couples counseling. I say this because if you are serious enough about this guy to have him meet your son, there's a lot to discuss. Blending families is seriously hard work and you need to have some agreements in place regarding who does what disciplining, how finances will be handled, discussions regarding the custodial arrangements/exes on each side. I've seen a couple of my siblings bring boyfriends into their children's lives with very poor results because the guys simply weren't committed... it wasn't just my sisters that felt dumped, the *kids* felt dumped.

I know you are a caring mom who wants the best for your son. Enjoy the relationship for what it is, right now, and see how being together just as a couple for quite a while goes. Have a few arguments about some more important things-- see how you and he both handle them. I'm not joking-- when things are good at the beginning of a relationship, it's like they are usually *unrealistically* good. We see only the best in that person. A few months down the line, the blinders start to shrink and we start noticing who that person is when they get more comfortable with us and aren't trying so hard. THAT'S the guy you want to get to know-- who he is when his guard is down and he has nothing to prove and isn't concerned about impressing you.

I wish you both big love and hope that things work out over the long haul. Just take your time. and if you are just wanting to have fun for now and not think about marriage, absolutely keep the guy out of your son's life, period. I'm seeing one sibling choose a man over her child right now and it just kills me. In time, her son will become angry with her that he wasn't her first priority. :(

I dont think "almost" a month is anywhere near long enough. It should stay hush and hush until you feel a real commitment. Kids do not need to see people come and go out of our lives... it stresses them out.

Glad to read that you're heeding the advice here. Keep your dating life private until you're ready to commit to something permanent.

And a word to the wise - perhaps if he and his wife hadn't gotten married 6 months after meeting, he wouldn't have married someone he ended up divorcing. Hopefully he's learned that moving quickly isn't always wise. Don't let anyone else set the speed of your relationship. As a mom, your first loyalty and responsibility is to your child and that means moving slowly and carefully. Someone who doesn't see that wouldn't be good step-parent material.

I would wait to see where it goes. I really don't think kids should have to "deal" with dating. I mean, I thinks it's fine and great for YOU to date as much as you want, but your son should only be introduced to someone you plan to marry (meaning the guy has actually asked you to marry him.) It's not fair and very confusing for kids to meet people their parents are simply dating.
Trust me, I have been that kid. Being smart just makes it worse :-(

I think that's WAY too soon. Maybe once you are talking about getting married, then you should have your son meet him

4 weeks is nothing.
Wait until you have dated about 6 and then come back and ask.

You say your son is smart, so he will know EXACTLY what you are talking about when you say he is your "friend."

And I probably wouldn't introduce them, in 6 months, at a sit down dinner. I would probably run into them at the park and have a play date. Something VERY casual.
L.

Your "boyfriend" moves "fast"? Well, how well did that work for him last time? He is divorced. So obviously it did not work out too well.

One month is a blink of an eye. You do not know this man, other than he moves fast and is divorced. Do you really want to be his next ex-wife? I beseech you to stop. Do not date for a while.

Read the advice below. Bug, Wild Woman, Birds, all of the women who suggested that you wait to have sex with this man. I somewhat agree with Momma W about not really doing anything until your son is 18. Your son needs you. Not some guy you really like after one month.

Please. Do this on your own. Get to know you, Wild Woman is right. You have changed. You are not the woman you were when you married. Re-read JBs response. Please. And Mamazita. I guess you need to read them all again. Heed the advice given.

Lots of good answers.

Someone I know (30s) was dating (exclusive - years) a woman for a long time with a young son. Eventually they broke up. My friend was devastated he couldn't see the little boy again, as I'm betting the little boy had a reaction to that as well.

Here's one Hollywood version of this:
http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/jenny-mccar...

I would not establish a relationship with this new guy and your child unless you knew you were going to walk down the aisle.

Or better yet, don't date. Keep your focus on re-building your life and focus on your son's needs.

Momma W - I agree with her. If I were ever divorced or widowed I would not looking for a new partner. I'd want my children to feel settled. If I had to wait until they were out of the nest, I'd do that.

My mom was a widow and my sister and I KNEW there was a guy who was interested in her and she had no interest, but she was tempted to stay with him for the security. We were yelling at her NO way. We were about 10-11 yrs old. Kids know.

Sleeping with your boyfriends.
I'd also like to caution you against premarital sex. I know that's not the cultural norm. I know that dating means eventually sleeping with someone (after 2-3 dates and * really * liking them) and then that makes you exclusive. I think that's a huge mistake.

The problem is, you become BONDED to the person on a physical level, without really knowing them. So it's like being on a chemical high. I think a lot of people go into marriage like this and that's why there is such a high rate of divorce (1 our of 2 couples). They are bonded to each other, but they may not be very compatible otherwise.

Dannah Gresh - The Walk of Fame vs. the Walk of Shame TED Talk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C24CmKxRPdQ

Dannah Gresh is a Christian speaker who focuses on teaching young people (college age) the benefits of remaining celibate until marriage. She does a great job of explaining the physiological changes that happens to your brain when you have sex with them, so please watch the video.

And the worse part? When you break up, it feels like your heart is ripped out of your chest and you are in mourning. This is why I wouldn't date while I had kids. I wouldn't want to be heartbroken (debilitated) in front of them. They don't need that. Neither do you.

Only YOU know when the time is right. You know your son the best and you are still getting to know this guy. I respectfully disagree with the others who say getting engaged first then introducing is the way to go. I think this man deserves to meet the "other little man" in your life and vice versa before you even get to a level of engagement. Maybe your son hates him or maybe he's not good with kids, wouldn't that be an awful situation.
Personally, I think the best time to introduce your child to him is when you decide that this man has long term relationship potential. If there is any doubt about it in your head, don't introduce them yet. If you think you are going to marry this man, introduce away!

IMO, way too soon.
You've not been separated that long--is your divorce final?
Date away! But leave your little O. out of it.
"Almost a month" with someone you "really like" is not enough to get your don invested.
Responsible sex? Sure.
Dating? You bet.
Introducing him to a 5 year old? No way.
I have a friend I really respect for putting her love life on the "back burner" while she raised her son. She didn't date much until he was in his teens.
Maybe I'm old fashioned but -- no -- not nearly yet.
I'd give it a year.
If he's a man of character, he'll be doing the same thing too.
Good luck!

If he is just moms friend it could be okay, but I would wait a little longer myself

I cannot believe the extreme and judgmental replies you have received. If my divorced mom had waited until I was 18 to date, I wouldn't have the wonderful stepfather I have (I never even call him that, he's my "dad").

Date, just do so responsibly and keep your son's best interests in mind. You know your son and what he will tolerate well and understand. Some kids don't even want to know that a parent is dating, others are fine with knowing but don't want to meet the person. Others can handle meeting someone earlier than others. But IMHO I think a month is too soon.

A month seems too soon to introduce a new boyfriend to your son but waiting until you're engaged seems way too long. A serious relationship is a part of your life and a kid could also feel as though you were keeping something (someone) important to you a secret. What message does that send? And what if your son and fiancé don't get along? Better to know that before you're ready to walk down the aisle, but again, not too soon.

I put my kids needs before my own all the time but I don't put my entire life on hold. It is important for your child to see that you also have a life (friends, interests, even dating if you're single). A happy, balanced person is a great role model for kids, not a martyr who puts her life on hold until the child is 18.

There were a lot of judgements given about sex and the new boyfriend too - wow, don't even know what to say here except to trust yourself. A month seems too soon to be so serious and have sex, but only you can know when it's right for you. Once you go there, you can't go back so do take the time to decide when (or if) its right for you. And as for judging the boyfriend, lots of people who did it the "right way" get divorced too (according to these commenters - courting for years, no sex before marriage, etc. is the "right way"). Have the boyfriend meet your mom and some friends who are good judges of character and have your best interests at heart.

Then, after some time, when you feel the time is right, when you feel your son can handle it, and when you feel the relationship has gotten serious enough to warrant it, introduce your son and your boyfriend in a way that is gradual and casual to start, and progresses to more time and less casual.

Good luck!!