Setting a Good Example-how Do You Do It?

Just so you know.....
I've done ALL those things and worse!
My kids are 18 (away at an engineering school on merit scholarships), 16, and 13.
Great kids, no behavioral issues, excellents students....
Not perfect kids, but perfect for ME!
It's ok to be like a human person from time to time, least it worked for my kids!
:)

So your not a 'Stepford' wife, me neither :)

Teaching your kids that we are human, that we make mistakes and we are not perfect is the best thing you can do. I would not want to send them into the world with the wrong impression. Mom's yell, parents fight, junk food finds its way into the mix.... it happens. Who cares as long as they grow to be happy, healthy, realistic, down to earth human beings :)

Psst... the mom's that think they are perfect are not, no one is :)

Admit when you are wrong, be honest, be consistent, lead by a good example...I know one too many parents that have the whole do as I say not as I do philosophy and that does not work. My oldest is almost 15 my youngest is just 3...one thing that has been the Hardest lesson is I was not put on this Earth to be my children's friend, they do not always have to like me...teaching them to do the right thing, being someone they "Can" respect, because respect is earned not demanded. Embracing that we are all human and make mistakes and above all....That we do not always have the answers...I do not think you sound like a bad mom at all, I think most of us do the best we can and none of us is perfect, I think we all slip from time to time...guilt benefits no one, strive to do your best and rest easy that your children will grow up to be individuals and not always individuals that live up to our expectations...I want my kids to be happy and to be good people and if they can accomplish that and somewhere along the way I can feel like part of it was my doing...then awesome, but if not I can promise you I am not going to spend my entire life saying I should have done things differently...that is the goal...no regrets = )
And if anyone has that magical pill that makes us into perfect parents clue me in = ) I am working on not yelling...it is hard!!! So worth it though....

Can't say it is easy - do as I say, not as I do. Instead I try to make myself feel better by talking to my son and telling him that mommies make mistakes too. By showing him that even though daddy and I were snipping, I apologized and now we are hugging. Give yourself a break. Communication is really the best thing to help you through this.

Relax!! I think it's more important for our children to see us as caring people that try to do our best and learn from our mistakes, rather than an unobtainable 'perfect' role model.

I am by NO MEANS perfect. I try my hardest to be the best person I can be. And I hope that my children see THAT as a worthy quality. I make mistakes, awknowledge and learn from them, and apologize for them. And I hope that my children see that as a positive.

I could drive myself CRAZY trying to be perfect and keep every little negative thing away from my children. Instead, I choose to use what I've got to make their childhoods as fun as possible, as full of love as possible. I hope and pray that when they look back they'll remember the good, forgive the not-so-good and appreciate everything their daddy and I did for them.

You are normal.

But I would not give a lollipop.
They can choke on it.... (my Son almost choked in a lollipop. I don't know how... ).

We Moms... manage... somehow... and we are human and we get happy or grumpy especially once a month.
My Husband, after 13 years old marriage... has FINALLLY sort of knows, when I am PMS'ing. Now.

You just try your best... everyday.
I will tell my kids "Mommy tries my best... but I am not always perfect... I get grumpy too... but WE try not to be grumpy AT each other.... " etc. I teach them, we are all human... but that we have to learn how to cope....
If I am grumpy... and get terse... I will actually say "I'm sorry... but Mommy is not the most ideal today..." and I will apologize to them. Kids ALSO need to see/hear their parents... say "sorry" when they err too.

And yes, we are their direct, "example" for our kids.
Not always easy...

all the best,
Susan

Oh, I could have posted this...the thing that I worry about is, my parents were better parents to me than I am being to my kids!!! I feel like such a successful, normal, well adjusted,sane adult sometimes...but my kids act crazy, off the wall, rude, random sometimes and how in the hell do I raise kids like me?!?!?!? Wow, am I full of it or what? I think making it clear to your kids that you are aware of and attempt to correct those times when you lose it or don't eat/do/say exactly the right thing goes a long way. At least I hope and pray so :)))) Good Luck you are so not alone!!!!

You teach them to love and to be be accepting and respectful. You give them plenty of attention, respect and love and discipline,. You do the best you can and be as protective as you can, but still allow them to explore. Give them the resources to learn and grow and craft while teaching them the good things in life, about service and responsibility. These things are taught in baby steps, and even young toddlers can practice this by donating toys to homeless children, sharing, helping mommy throw clothes in the laundry basket...

Oh - wow - I have made my share of mistakes, said things and done things I regretted but all in all I think my son has a good moral compass.

We all make mistakes - I just make sure that I can acknowledge them and my son and I can talk about them. I may not apologize for all of them - I am still the parent and can still pull the "I can do no wrong" card, but as he has gotten older it is easier to discuss bad decisions that I have made, especially, as an example of what not to do. And he is old enough now to call me out when I snarl at him because I am mad over something else or if I do something "wrong". That opens a discussion on right and wrong and how to behave.

A lot of times he will do things, or make decisions, that are "wrong" and when questioned he knows the correct way to behave....but he has to test those limits and learn the consequences. He knows how to make healthy food choices, but since he is 14, often does not. He knows how to treat people with respect and compassion, but does not always. Again, it is a learning process and he is beginning to see the negative effects of his poor behavior on others and is finally of an age to understand the damage his poor choices can have on himself and others.

I also try to "lead by example". If I tell him to do something it is something I am able to do and have done. I do not send him to church, I go with him so he can see my faith. I do not tell him to volunteer, I take him with me to volunteer. I do not tell him to eat healthy, I have him help me prepare healthy meals. I do not teach him fiscal responsibility, I discuss our household budget and let him know how much money we have and what bills we have to pay.

Oh, but I long for the days, sometimes, when I could bribe him with a Dum Dum !!!!!!

You sound normal to me. Do you know this "perfect" woman you seem to think you have failed becoming? There is no such person!

It is a process. Do your best, keep on trying to do better, but forgive yourself too. If you were so "perfect" how would that be a good role model? Your poor children would think they have to live up to ridiculous expectations. You don't want to raise little soldiers, just happy healthy kids. It's about balance. In my world a dum dum once in awhile is just part of the balance.

Consider that you already are perfect just the way you are.

Now, if you are feeling overwhelmed. Find ways to help yourself. That's part of being a good Mom too........taking care of your own needs.

Yes, watching the kids grow older and independent can be hard, but that is the goal. Healthy adults. Find something for yourself to give you perspective. Even if that something is coffee chat one night a week with a friend. But it could also be an art class or a hot bath with a trashy novel.

The secret.....not sure I know, but forgiving yourself and taking care of yourself are high on the list.

You sound like the perfect mother! You love your kids, want the best for them and are doing the best you can at any given moment.

There are a couple of great posts in here for you, I especially like the first one "love your kids" and the one from Martha outlining how much pressure we face as mothers.

Let go of the guilt as best as you can and enjoy those kids! Btw, did you see the cover of New Yorker Magazine couple of months ago - Picture of a mom with a little one and the featured article was something like "I love my kids, but hate my life" - if you can google it, it may give you some perspective on parenting that many parents are struggling with today. (i'm not implying you hate your life, it's just a really great article for us mom's trying to get it all right, all of the time)

Relax...we are all not perfect...sometimes it seems like other moms are but they have their moments too. I've done it all and maybe more than what you have mentioned. My DH curses like the sailor he is and sometimes I do too. We don't always eat healthy but my kids don't starve. I've given in, bribed and actually taken away without guilt. My oldest is 18 and if you asked her now if she remembers any of the dumb mistakes I made as a young mom raising her, she'd say she couldn't and she's turned out to be a great kid...not trouble, no drugs...no major issues!. LIke the other posts...just love them, support them and talk to them. Apologize when you are wrong..the wonderful thing is your kids always love you even when they say they don't. They have a lot more understanding than you think they do.

All you need is LOVE.

Seriously! Love your kids as much as you can...give them kisses and hugs and tell them how great they are...as much as you can.

Everything else will be OK.

Nobody is perfect. Don't beat yourself up and stop worrying so much.

I have done all that you have said AND I let my kids play video games (gasp!) And much, much more...

~We all worry about raising healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids...its what we do!

P.S.
My kids have never choked on a dum-dum sucker....and I have used them as bribes (gasp!) for potty training all 3 of my kids!

Parenting never has been and never will be easy. Perfection is impossible -- and what is perfection anyway??? Strive to be a good parent, and know that all of us make mistakes along the way. If you make a mistake, correct it and go on with life (That's an important lesson you can give your kids too). Focus on the positives of life, love your kids, and enjoy being a parent.

Ok first and foremost you are way to hard on yourself. Nobody and I mean nobody is perfect. If they think they are then they are kidding themselves. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. I for one have been raising my children whom are now 11 and 16 and have learned a lot on the way. Nobody gave us a manual of "how to's" when the child came home from the hospital with us. No one gave us "how to's" when we got married. These are all learn as we go. Seek advice, share our hearts with our spouses, live each day with eagerness to learn, but we will all make mistakes. Every single day of our lives we will do a little better and become better at our relationships and rearing our children.
Healthy eating is difficult. My daughter was a really healthy eater, then she hit teenage years. She doesn't seems to like anything but junk now. My son didn't like things when he was younger, now is trying new things and finding that he likes them. Keep giving the good stuff to the kids and a little of the bad stuff doesn't hurt them either. They are kids you know.
I did a lot of yelling when my daughter and son were little, much of that had to change with me. I made that change and it was for the better. Every now and then, the button will get pushed and I will have a little freak out, but it is so far and few in between now. Age is definitely a factor. Wisdom from having the first, then the second child. The first child is the guinea pig, you try all the things that you want to be perfect at on them, and then when the 2nd one comes along, you start to discard those things that really didn't matter or were such a big deal.
Stop being hard on yourself. You brought two beautiful little persons into this world and you should spend more time playing with them, enjoying their little imaginative lives and worry less about how to be perfect at being a "perfect mom". Do your best every day, if you kids know you love them, then you have done your job!

You've had so many great responses (especially Martha R). I heard a child psychologist say that the most lasting impact with children when we slip up is not the damage we did, but how we "repair" the damage after we've done something wrong. That is a bad paraphrase, but basically he said that kids are much better off when they see their parents make mistakes, but then the parents come to them, explain, apologize, teach, etc rather than try to ignore, hide or teach a "do as I say, not as I do" message--or even worse---try to give their children the impression that they are perfect or that they should be perfect. Striving for perfection will always result in failure because Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes---it is insane to think that any parent has no regrets. Also, the moms that tell you that dum dums and cereal are bad for your kids may be doing well in the nutritional aspect of raising kids, but struggling in the emotional or spiritual or mental (etc.) aspects. Give yourself and your children grace, love them unconditionally, take time for yourself, and scream into a pillow when you just cant take it anymore!!!

One thing I did was stop cussing when I had kids. I cannot stand kids OR adults who cus. I have one in high school who never cusses, but is surrounded by cussing at school (any public high school is prevalent with cussing). I also am really nice to everyone I meet or already know, so my kids have become that way too. I do yell more than I should, so unfortunately my kids sometimes do too, but I'm not perfect! I also like to serve at church and give to charities, so my kids have followed my footsteps, sometimes grudgingly, but it's planting the seed in them now so they will do it on their own when they are older. (I just read your post again, doesn't mean I'm judging you for cursing, especially if it's in the home and once in a while, I was talking about trash talking adults and kids in public.)

If you don't already, maybe you can try to turn those moments into a teaching moment. If you curse if front of your kids... "Ooops. I shouldn't have said that. That was not a nice word." If you lose you temper... "I'm sorry for yelling at you like that sweetie." They will see that you make mistakes too, and that it is okay. At the same time, they are learning what is right and what is wrong. (They might learn a new curse word, but they also learn that it is wrong to use that word.)

Just remember... NOBODY is perfect. All that you can do is do your best, and not worry about the rest.

No, it's not easy and I am far from perfect. My one thing, though, is not exploding with "shiz" and "goddammit" if I'm really mad about something or in a tough situation . I've done it before, not the cursing part, so much but the slammin and shouting. They pick up on that and learn to react in the same way. When I think about them reacting like that during tough times it makes me sick. The lollipop thing and the occasional junk food can't be helped as long as you try to teach them to eat fresh fruits and veggies and fish, etc. So, my secret pill is imagining them acting like big brats as adults who can't go to a restaurant without ordering chicken nuggets, burgers, hotdogs, and fries, basically kid foods. I think it would hold them back from certain life experiences and finding quality relationships, does that make any sense?