Separation Anxiety, Anxiety and Sleep

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know first hand what anxiety and depression does to those who are watching from the outside and it is not easy. I have a 13 month old son and when I was pregnant, I planned to raise him the only way I knew how. Which meant
he would sleep in a bassinet for a while, then a crib. I was always told that you should never nurse a child past a year old, don't hold him too much or he'll get spoiled, and let him cry, its good for his lungs. Well, once he was born, I met the most amazing pediatricians who totally changed everything for me. My son was extremely fussy, so much so that I could never put him down, so I didn't. My pediatrician educated us on Attached Parenting and how he had seen the difference in the children who were raised this way, how much more stable and secure they were. He also told me that attached parenting, which basically in a nutshell is baby wearing, co-sleeping, and breasfeeding on demand, has proven to raise kids free of anxiety. Well, let me tell you, that's all I needed to hear. I began doing research and found all kinds of positive outcomes from it. Since then, my son sleeps with us, I still nurse him when he wants, and am currently teaching him sign language to help him communicate his needs to me when the words don't come. He walked at 9 1/2 months and is the most secure happy child.
I wanted to tell you my story because its not too late for you if this sounds good to you. Its not for everyone and it has its challenges but it works for us. There is a ton of support out there for you but there will also be a ton of people who will poo poo all over it. Hope this sheds some light for you. You are a wonderful mom for seeking the best for your son. Good luck to you.
BTW..if you're interested, my pediatrician has a website with all sorts of great info if you want to check it out. Its www.drjaygordon.com

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070200.asp

please read this link.
Your baby is normal. Separation Anxiety at this age is normal.
BOTH my kids did that too.
They can't help it. You can't 'fix' them, according to adult expectations. But you can help them soothe and comfort. That is what they need.
Yes it's hard and tiring and stressful. It will pass. It's a phase and a developmental stage.
More phases will come up.
It's best to figure out, how you will approach and 'coach' your child in the future, when these 'hard' phases comes up.
No chiropractor is needed. Crying it out is unecessary.
Your baby, is being a 'baby' and this is normal. There isn't anything "wrong" with your baby.

Do not try and be "everyone's everything." You can't. No one can. That is too much burden to put on your shoulders. I think the 'issue' is having coping skills for yourself... perhaps seek respite and solace for yourself... be it with friends, outings, a "me" time, a counselor.

The thing is, having a baby takes time to adjust to... and then they are having their developmental 'phases' too, which compounds everything and stresses out the parent(s). So, a Parent as well, has to learn to cope... and how to do what they need, to de-stress. It's not always the baby's 'fault.'

I know it's not easy.... I have had feelings like that too. But so you have to take the reins and take control of yourself and do what will help you, so you don't go bonkers. Believe me, this is only the beginning of a child's "phases" and what not.

All the best really, sorry for rushing, but I have to skidadle now,
take care,
Susan

Okay, first take a deep breath and relax...my son went throught his although, not screaming.

My first thoughts are to tell you what I did...we 'played' peek-a-boo a lot. While he was happy, I would put him in a bouncy chair on the counter or table and play with him. I'd hide and then pop back up, it made him laugh and showed him I wasn't going to be gone forever.

Also, I would make him a part of the chores. I wore him in a sling at first and then in one of those carriers. As he got older, I'd put him in his high chair for 'snack' time and do dishes while he sat next to me with toys or cheerios and played. For laundry I'd put a blanket on the floor and have him help me 'sort' his laundry into piles, while I pointed out colors and shapes on his clothes. (to this day he loves helping) And, with vacuuming I'd hold him or wear him and we'd do it together.

Now, at 2.5 he's amazing with helping and if there is something I need to do that he can't help with he's great at sitting and watching.

Another thing to think about is teething...my son was a wicked teether and was in constant pain for a good two weeks when they were breaking the gums. Clove oil is great for swelling and eases discomfort a lot. I used it at night and during the day.

As for sleeping, we're co-sleepers and I'm working with my son to sleep in his own bed at night. Again, the teething might be a huge issue. But, with my son he would freak out anytime he thought I was leaving him anywhere! I created a static bedtime/nap routine that we stuck to, and slowly began to wean him of my presence as he got older. I would let him nap in my bed (invested in safety rails and sleep guards) and the scent of Mommy seemed to help him get relaxed. Overtime, I would lay with him until asleep and slowly move away. We started with rocking to sleep, then I'd lay with him until sound asleep and slowly I'd move away. And, then I'd lay down with him and rub his back. We also introduced a 'lovey' or his dino buddy that he could reach for if Mommy wasn't close by.

With all these issues, it's really about making sure your child knows you are there and that you will be back. As they start to learn about their world, and that it has more to it than just what is in view of their eyeline, it can become scary. You kiddo just needs a little guidance and love...which you are offering already.

Find a routine and stick with it. I don't believe in CIO and don't think it helps much either. My son's Dad's Mom is a huge proponent of kids only learn to be independent if you let them CIO and learn to be alone...not my opinion at all. But, find what works for you and stick with it. Make sure you find some time for you too! Don't put it all on yourself, but ask your hubby for help when he has a day off and can spend some time with your baby, while you grab a bite with a friend or just take a walk.

I don't think kids 'screaming' is okay, maybe fussing a bit, but the 'screaming' is kind of scary. Be there for your child and trust your Mommy instincts.

Good Luck!

This is a totally normal stage for babies. He also may not be sleeping because he's teething. The good news is that this stage will pass but you just have to get through it. It looks like you need some help and some alone/down time so you can do that.

When my son was that age, he went through a phase where he wouldn't let me put him down (I worked full time and I still do.) He didn't see me all day so he went right for me when I got home. I would have to sneak in the house to wash my hands and change my clothes or else he wouldn't let me. It's probably worse for you since you are with him all day and need to get things done around the house.

When we needed to get things done, we would put our son in one of those command center seats that come with a tray with toys on it (can't remember the name) and put on a video for him. I know there are lots of people against videos for babies but you have to get things done and sometimes they are the only thing that will take the baby's attention away from you. Baby Einstein has great videos for babies or get a Sesame Street video - anything that you think your son will like. It might help and give you some needed time/space for 1/2 an hour or so.

You also might want to try to get someone to help you out during the day (grandmother, aunt, cousin, friend, friend's teenagers). Have them come once in a while to get your son used to them and maybe once he likes them you can sneak out for an hour or so.

Finally, my husband never got up in the middle of the night even though I worked full time and he didn't. So, I just put our son in bed with us and we all slept together. Again, not everyone is a fan of this method but it worked for me so I had enough rest to go to work in the morning. However, my son is 6 and still sleeping with us but I figure he'll leave eventually and go back to his own bed but right now it makes him happy and we all sleep ok.

I understand that your husband has his own issues he is dealing with but you have to talk to him about your issues and see where he can help out more so don't feel so overwhelmed.

Good luck with everything. I hope this helps.

PLEASE READ! I can tell you're holding everyone up over there and I feel for you because you're only human. It's ok to feel overwhelmed - esp. since you have to worry so much about your husband in addition to the already huge responsibility of being a new parent.
My first child, a boy, was also like yours - very sensitive. First-borns are generally like that - they tend to be over-thinkers (smart!) and worry-ers. The Ferber method (which I also tried and was the worst thing in the world for my son!!!!!) can be great but the child (baby!) has to be the type of person who it can work for. I do NOT believe babies with sep. anxiety are good candidates for that method - and it's SO important that people realize it can be so detrimental to them. On the first page of that book it should warn of this because it made my son so anxiety-ridden that he became too anxious to even be alone because he knew I would not be there for him. How sad for them to feel so scared that the one person in the world they could count on for comfort is NOT going to help them. After the first night, my son was a basket-case and the 2nd night as soon as we started this he threw up all over the place, and that was it! I never did it to him again. It took days for him to calm down about sleeping, so please everyone, if it isn't working for your baby, don't do it.
Re: your husband's decision, I think what's important is that YOU feel that it's weird and that YOU need him. I wish I could tell you how, but I definitely feel it's not the right decision because of how it's affecting you. You must talk to him and tell him how you feel - even if it takes a counselor (professional)to tell him. Sometimes it makes more sense to them if someone neutral tells him.
Hang in there.
M.

I don't know if anxiety and depression is a genetic issue or not. But it's just this kid. Every baby is diffrent. My first never got put down, I learned to shower with her, pee with her, put her in the laundry basket with the clothes to carry her. Because she cried everytime I put her down. She even cried for dad and wanted nothing to do with him unless I was sitting next to him and having a conversation. But I could never leave her with him not even to pee. The 2nd child came along and was completely independant. The 3rd was very independant but slept better with us.

I don't know if just letting him sleep with you at this point would help or not. When he is older and gets a big bed just sleep with him for a week or 2 to get him use to sleeping in the new room and bed. When he can sleep through the night start making him sleep their alone. Maybe by then there will be a sibbling to share the room with. Like you said the house can wait or teach him to clean with you if your going to hold him then get him a duster to so you can both dust together. Little ones love to clean the potty with the toilet brush just make sure you wash his hands well afterwards, and watch him so he doesn't eat it. My oldest use to ride on the vacuum since it's really hard to hold them and vacuum I would make her sit on it and ride.

Women are cappable of doing a lot all at the same time, & in a short time, while holding 2 kids. But you can't be everyones everything all the time. So make sure you take some time for yourself. You need time to refuel, & no-one else will fill your tank but you. Love your son and everything about him. It will pass I promise, try new things and find something that works for now. You can change things in 6 months if you want. And maybe there is more to your MIL's story. Maybe she had depression issues herself and couldn't deal with the constant crying on top of it. We all do what we have to to survive. Not that I'm taking your MIL's side I totally believe that babies are for loving and you can't spoil them by holding them to much. Just by buying them to much and giving them everything they want at the moment. This is an older developement. Babies can't tell you why they are scared they just know that you somehow make it better. Like kissing an owie. He needs you so be his everything. sit him on the floor get your pants down and sit on the potty then pick him up and put him on your knees while you go. Or have some toys in their to play with. Crying doesn't hurt them and I don't think this will be a anxiety/depression making issue, you do love him and carry him around. I think those who are truely left to deal with things on they're own might have these issues. Those that are left in cribs or play pens for hours. My MIL did the same thing she use to watch babies and if they were criers she would put you in the back bedroom in the play pen until you learned to stop crying. Day's and hours by themselves. I never let her watch any of my kids & told my spouse that if I ever found out she did we wouldn't be around. I seen things she did and it wasn't ok with me. I never carried an infant seat with me, that stayed in the car, unless they were asleep. But the minute they woke up they were out of it and on my hip. (for shopping or in the house) But I never toke the seat into church with me, I held them and loved them because I knew how fast they grow and didn't want to miss a moment of it. Yesterday they were babies now my youngest is 8.5 know one told me that 18 years would fly by this fast. Give him all the love he needs, find new games and things to teach him one on one. You will be greatful in the end that you did. Best wishes to you, remember your wonderwomen, anyone that can take care of baby, hubby, laundry, dinner, dishes, the house, the shopping, etc. on no sleep is wonderwomen. Now sit down today and think what will make things easier for you, make yourself a schedule, everyday after lunch we go for a walk even if your walk is in the store, but your son needs some kind of rutine so that he knows what to expect everyday. This will help him to put his anxiety into perspective, this is the way it is everyday. And find more time to sit and play with him. Your a great mom that's why God gave this little guy to you, he knew you would figure him out and be a great mom to him. J.

Let me tell you about my first job in childcare - I worked with toddlers 12-18 months old in your average american day care center. I had just graduated with my degree in child development and was so excited to get going with these little people! I had no idea what I was in for - these poor babies had no secure attachment to anyone in the facility because the teachers were always being moved around and the main infant teacher (6wks-12mo) was much more concerned with making cute cutouts for the cubby boxes and wiping down counters than with holding and cuddling babies. I had a little guy come into my room about two months after I started working there, he was pushed into my room not even quite walking yet (which was the rule, they had to be 12mo and walking to be an official "toddler") because he drove the infant teacher nuts with his constant crying and screaming. So I just picked him up every day as soon as I walked in the room, I carried him around on my hip ALL day. I let him sit on my lap for lunch and snacks, I held him on my lap until he fell asleep for naptime, and I was the only one who would change his diaper. All the other teachers told me repeatedly, daily, to put him down. You're going to spoil him, you're going to hurt your back, he doesn't need to be held all the time and the only way to teach him is to let him cry it out. I didn't listen, within a month he was happy to sit on my lap and play with toys, a month after that he was eating lunch in his chair and laying on his mat for nap while I rubbed his back, a month after that he was playing on the floor within my sight. He was happy, outgoing, flashed the greatest smiles ever at me! Unfortunately, because no one else wanted to put forth that effort, he would go right back to his screaming every time I left the room - I still took my breaks (to save my back, which DID hurt pretty bad) but I could hear him screaming all the way from the break room! When his mom came to get him he would see her come in and start to run to her, then stop and look back at me and smile, look at her, look at me and then turn and finish his sprint to mommy - I'm now sure that he was just reciprocating the care I gave to him and making sure I didn't feel hurt or left out as he ran to his beloved mommy. What was once the most irritating baby in the center that no one wanted in their room, became a charming adorable kid that loved to give hugs and smiles. That guy and I had a real human connection, two people who cared about each other - babies are little people, not objects to be trained, they have their own seperate feelings and needs - the kind that can only be fulfilled by another human. With all that said - you cannot be everyone's everything, as you put it, you need to be you too! Take your breaks (if nothing else than to save your back :) - and buy a moby wrap, I wish day care centers would invest in one for each teacher!) Your baby will not lose all the security you give him in 15 minutes, or even an hour to go grab a coffee on your own. While you are home give him all of you - and you're right, the house will wait... believe me, it will still be dirty enough to clean tomorrow!haha Love on that baby, and he will soon grow confident enough to love you enough to let you go potty on your own - in three years or so! LOL Enjoy!

Have you tried wearing him? Like in a moby wrap or baby bijorn?