Semi-Divorce

TRUST ME, when I tell you I know how bad you are hurting! As far as your daughter is concerned talk to him and be straight forward. Begin by saying something like, I want to talk to you about -your daughter's name-. This has nothing to do with our relationship, I promise. I am not trying a desperate attempt to keep you but my daughter has become our daughter over the past years and she should not suffer because of our relationship problems. I would like for you to be in her life. I am not asking you for any money like child support or anything like that but I'm asking for her sake could you continue to be her dad and if not don't say that you will and then disappear from her life that would be too hard for her. Say something like that and just see what he says, the worst that could happen would be for him to say no.

My heart goes out to you Heather. My son is now 8 and I had a similar situation when he was born. The man he was calling "dad" would not marry me but loved us both dearly. It dawned on me that I may be forced back into the dating scene for only God knows how long. After some soul struggles and inner healing sessions, with prayer and courage, I rolled up my sleeves and swallowed my pride. Then I reached out for his natural father and his family. They would always be blood relatives no matter how they were. They will love unconditionally. I have to put more energy into fostering bonding than I care to, but it's not about me, it's about my son knowing his people as they are whether good, bad, or ugly. It satisfies that child's longing to know, replaces his/her questions with reality. I dont like the natural father's attitude, but I read a lot and do the best I can to foster bonding and quality time between the 2 of them and the father's family. There has got to be a good apple in that bunch right? Read as many books as you can find on the subject. God bless your mind and will, as you stay prayerful and committed to your daughter's well being. Remember reality is better than her having to make up fantasy stories about where dad is.

Tough call. Unfortunately, it is up to him weather or not he wishes to be in your daughter's life. Just like a bio dad has if you think about it. It's a risk we all take when we have children from others. I have been married for almost 5yrs, my daughter was 3 when my husband and I got together. I don't know how that would affect her but I'm sure it wouldn't be good.

Have you asked him if he'll stay involved with her? If he won't then you'll just have to sit her down and explain to her in simple terms why you and him are no longer going to be together. Better yet, both of you sit down and talk to her about it.

good luck
S.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this but I am a very strong believer in that everything happens for a reason. The "right" thing to do here would be for him to stay involved with your daughter since "he" is all she has ever known. However, let's step back to reality and realize that it's a choice and unfortunately he is the one that will get to choose this. For your daughter's sake I would hope he would choose to stay involved-even if it's just a little.
I believe in honesty and children adjust and grasp on so much better than what we "think". If you are honest with her and explain "why" you both are not together to her later on she will respect you for it and make sure she is fully informed that this was not a result because of ANYTHING she did. Spare the details though such as if he is involved with another woman, etc. she doesn't need to know all of that-and for the time being if he decides to continue a relationship with her he needs to be respectful and keep the other woman away until she has time to adjust to the fact Daddy is no longer living and with mommy. It's such a grown up conversation but you can't just ignore it because the children WILL indeed ask-eventually. I hate the fact that men are so careless in this way because they could careless if they are leaving you behind with a child with a broken heart too and there you are having to clean up "their" mess in retrospect. I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious conversation without being angry, defensive, etc. Emotions are high right now if you need to get a mediator to do so then do it but I think you owe it to your daughter to at least "ask" him if he wants to continue a relationship with her but be prepared that the answer is no and if it is politley ask that he sit down with you and your daughter to explain. There is nothing worse than having a man exit out of your life like that without explanation without reason in the eyes of a little girl or boy for that matter but especially a girl. Let's face it children need explanation and closure as much as us adults do. Good luck to you and daughter and most of all pray about this and hand it over to God -he already knew you were going to have to face this. Now turn it over to him so that HE can take care of it and give you the strength to go through this.

Changes and transitions are hard on kids. On anyone. I guess it is better he is saying this now than when she is a teenager. I am sure he is a dad to her. I would not force or ask him to remain part of your or her life. I think this will just cause more strain and difficulty. I would thank him for being honest. I would not fight it. We can't MAKE people be who WE want them to be. I would let your daughter know gradually that everyone is different and that you love her dearly. And that you want the best for her. And that your ex boyfriend still loves her too but he is not going to be around. It is not something that your daughter did or did not do. It is because adults change. And that you want her to ask you ALL the questions she has. You want her to CRY as much as she needs to. Or be angry or whatever. Let her know that you will ALWAYS be there for her.
You need and she needs to focus on the healthy good relationship between mom and daughter. He may have been in the 'dad' role--but she needs to realize that you will ALWAYS be there for her.
Sorry for the situation but in the long run -- this may be the biggest blessing for both of you.
I would actually search the symptoms- or different stages one goes thru when there is a death-- anger, denial,etc... This is what it will feel like for both of you.