Seeking Suggestions to Help My Daughter Who Has Conflict with Other Friends

Cattiness and shifting allegiances are all just part of the age. Whispering and giving dirty looks is not bullying.
She will get through this. She will find new friends. It sucks, but it's all part of growing up.

Personally at this point I would go to the principal and discuss how this has been handled and how it can be resolved. Doesn't sound like the counselor held and maybe even made the situation worse.

All this over a text?
It's sort of the definition of a middle school situation but it's painful none the less.
I don't know what the text said but it probably doesn't make a difference what ever it was.
Some people have a few friendships that go all the way back but for most people friends come and go and middle school is prime time for 'the old gang' to fall apart.
Now's the time for your daughter to explore new groups and interests.
She should join a school club and/or start up a new after school class/activity/sport.
The more people she meets the better chance to form friendships outside of school.
It might also be a good idea to put aside texting/social media (at least for outside the family) for awhile.
For a lot of people it turns into a peck of trouble and middle school is stressful enough without that adding to it.

Talk to the school counselors about helping your daughter move on.
There's nothing to say to/about these other girls and/or their parents unless it's just to say we all need to move on past this and accept that the old friendships are over - everyone needs to leave everyone else alone.

So lets recap. Your daughter sent her friend a text that her mom thought was inappropriate, the friend told the other friends and they were upset with your daughter as well. Instead of helping your daughter to understand why the text was inappropriate, the counselors were brought into the mix because your daughter was upset her friends were upset because your daughter sent a text that wasn't very nice or whatever. You really gloss over that. Which is interesting because that is what put all this drama in motion.

So now, there is way too much teenage drama, your daughter is acting like she is the victim and you are encouraging that.

No more counselors. No more victim for your daughter. She needs to understand how her actions put this whole thing into motion. I wish you would have said what was in the text that your daughter sent to her friend. THAT is where this whole thing started. You need to help your daughter understand that our actions have consequences.

The only one who can help your daughter is in fact your daughter. She needs to own up to what she did, apologize that this all got blown out of proportion and move on. That is what should have been done.

I know you can't get that horse back in the barn but why did you bring the school into this? You can't resolve friendships, they don't want to be her friend anymore. Not sure what your daughter texted or what the ongoing issues were that the text was the last chance. Still it is clear they don't want to be her friend anymore.

Schools, parents, should not force kids to be friends, in my mind what you are doing is closer to bullying than what those girls are doing. You are using the school to try to force these girls to be friends with your daughter, now you want to make the parents force them to be friends.

A healthier solution is to just help empower your daughter to make new friends.

__________
I can't believe the responses that say this is bullying. How is confronting someone, saying they no longer want to be friends, and then ignoring them, bullying? The only reason more kids don't want to be her friend is her reaction and bringing the school into it.

Sorry but if one of my daughters came home and told me one of her classmates sent a mean text to another classmate and now that girl is being labeled a bully by the school because she no longer wants to be friends I would tell my daughter to avoid the texter. Who would want to be friends with someone who will get them labeled a bully just because they don't want to be friends anymore?

i'm so aggravated that adults are all up in teenagers' business now. what are the counselors supposed to do? tell the girls that they all have to be friends and then sit there and monitor the eyerolls?
your daughter created the situation, then escalated it by taking it to the counselor, who is then forced (by stupid rules put in place by micromanaging parents) to do SOMETHING. if the counselor read 'bullying' into it, it's because the tiniest slight to someone's feelings IS now classified as bullying. if you and your daughter didn't want intervention, you should have sat tight and rode out the storm.
the only way to 'fix' this is to work with your own child on being strong and independent, and getting through this unpleasant but very typical and very predictable 'crisis.' the very fact that she expects 'help', ie some adult to step in and make everything okay means that she does not feel empowered or in charge of her own life.
THAT should be your concern. not the other girls, or what you can say to their parents to make them be nice to the girl who deliberately sabotaged the friendship.
khairete
S.

If that text she sent was her "last chance", it's safe to assume that "stuff" has been going on for a while and those other girls have been unhappy with your daughter's friendship. Unfortunately, it sounds like your daughter brought this on herself and then further complicated things by getting counselors and parents involved. The word "bullying" has been used, but this doesn't seem like bullying at all - more like natural shifts in friendships that happen in middle school. And an inability to deal with that on her own.

The only advice I have would be to let those girls go and try to find a new set of friends. Join new clubs or teams, maybe. This sort of thing is common in middle school. BOTH my middle school girls have new friends who they didn't even know in elementary school.

When I was in 7th grade, my best friend and I got into a huge fight. Our friendship was essentially over. It was brutal, I lost an entire group of friends, and it actually WASN'T my fault. But I found new friends, and more importantly, I became best friends with a girl who is STILL my best friend today, 30 years later! As for my former 7th grade best friend? Well, we're friends on Facebook and have repaired our friendship as adults.

What your daughter is going through is difficult, but natural. You have to encourage her to branch out, to find new friends (and maybe treat them better than she treated her old friends?) and to work through her emotions. What you CAN'T do is force those girls to be friends with your daughter again. Sadly, nobody can "help" in the way she wants (going back to the friendship as it was before she sent that text). If those girls truly no longer want to be her friend, there's nothing she can do about that. But getting through this will make her stronger and more "educated" in relationships. It's all part of growing up.

Of course, if they escalate to actual bullying, that's a whole different story. But simply whispering about her and refusing to be her friend isn't bullying, no matter how much her feelings are hurt.

*You did not say what your daughter texted.

When I was in middle school, there were a couple of girls that did not like me. I was previously friends with them and we all hung out. These couple of girls, were the "bulls' of the school. They were popular. They reigned. They used to be nice friends. But weren't anymore. How come they didn't like me?
Because- I was friends/buddies with one of the boys that the girl liked. The guy was just my buddy. Like a brother to me. We grew up together and my family knew his etc. But, that boy did not like, that girl. And well the girls were jealous. And they took it out on me.
You cannot FORCE a boy to like you. After all.

Anyway, things got real, out of hand and very very, oppressive. For me. The girl, talked bad about me to EVERYONE. And because other kids were just followers, they all then shunned me. Even the good/nice kids, were afraid... to go against these girls. They told me. But they ignored me too. Yes, the school knew and the counselors. They talked to the girls. It was a real obvious problem on the whole campus. I was even threatened with bodily harm etc. And they all liked, being so mean and evil.

I didn't get depressed or anything. Because I was comfortable in my own skin and I KNEW I did not do anything wrong... and these girls were toxic. BUT they got the WHOLE campus, to be against me. That is the dynamics that can and does happen. Many times. So then, the one ousted person (me) is then up against all odds and up against the entire grade level and kids. Campus wide. The only ones who "protected" me was my guy-buddy and his friends. They even told off that girl. To no avail.

What happened in the end?
I changed schools.
Oh, and my parents knew the parents of those TOXIC girls. But well, their daughters were their little Princesses, and they just could not believe their dear daughters, would do such a thing.
And the parent of the other girl, the girl who said she'd beat me up, well the parents TOO, were with the girl, at a place that they said I had to be at, so they could beat me up.
I called the Cops. I filed a police report. The Cops said, the girl and the parents, were there. All ready to beat me up, and some even had brass knuckles on their hands.

Counselors, cannot, CHANGE... a person.
Even if they are doing their job to the best of their ability.
And when you are up against, a whole group of toxic kids.... who then taint you and your image to EVERYONE else.... that is VERY hard, to deal with.
And YES, school Counselors/school staff, at a certain point, DO need to be informed of certain student problems. Because as in my case, there was NO WAY... it could be solved, by myself. It was so toxic.
And as you see, it was never solved. The other girls, would not stop... their vendetta or "campaign" against me.

And to people who may think, that oh well this is how middle school girls are and things like this happens. Just let the kids solve it on their own. That's life. Its not bullying. The answer is no. It is not something to just assume is "normal."
Not all kids are this way.
Not all girls are this way.
And it is not, to be overlooked.

B's answer was pretty on target. Maybe she can join some clubs or explore other interests and make new friends? Or - yes - if at all possible, clearing the air with all parents helps. We parents sometimes get dragged into the middle/high school drama without realizing it. And - we think it's all on the "other" kids. I wonder if there's a way to get everyone together and lay it all out in the open? Everyone start the conversation with, "when you did or said...., it made me feel...." and offer suggestions on how better to deal with whatever the problem was with each girl. Might find some hurt feelings all around. Of course - if the parents are unresponsive and unreasonable - you'll find the kids to be the same. Moving on would be the best option then. Is it a small school? I know at our school - since there are only like 7 girls in the whole class, that would be a major problem since there aren't any other friends to make! I heard this book was good, haven't read it yet, but another Mom told me it was helpful: Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World

I read this one, and it had some good stuff in it too: The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

While searching Amazon, I found more that I want to read! LOL

Has your daughter apologized to the girls and their parents for the text? That probably should have been the first step, before involving the counselors. She should probably make the apology in a public way, and at least then everyone will see that she is taking the high road and that the other girls are being mean and petty.

What did your daughter text? That would be my first question - because honestly, things can be read out of context and cause problems. However, if the other girls mother got involved, she should have called you - or you her.

My daughter is in 5th this year and had a bad day at school not long ago. I called one of the moms and simply asked what happeend. I did not blame her daughter or make my daughter the victim, I wanted to know from her daughter's side what happened. Turned out my daughter was 100% honest with me and she did nothing wrong to deserve the way she was treated that day. The girls worked it out the next day and they are friends again. But it took both of us moms talking to our daughters. I got involved because my daughter asked for help. Had she not asked for help and just told me what happened, I would have tried to guide her.

My daughter does utilize the counselor at school sometimes to work out issues, but the issues get fixed. So to me, something more has to be going on.

If it's to the point where she is hiding out at lunch, crying, and not sleeping I think you need to do something. If the school counselors are not helping, find someone else. But realize it may not be that your daughter is the victim. You need to be prepared to suppiort her in whatever role she played in this situation.

School counselors cannot make these girls be her friend again - no one can, including their parents. I don't know what was in the text, but apparently it wasn't the first time your daughter committed a "transgression" against these girls. Your post says the girls told her that was her last chance so there is a history there.

The best thing you can do for your daughter now is to encourage her to be responsible for her behavior and own her part in what happened. Maybe if she takes responsibility and approaches these girls with the mindset that she owes a humble apology, they will move on.

First lesson, be careful what you text. Does she regret the text now. Is it something she should apologize for? Your daughter is not being bullied. This sort of drama is very typical with girls. It is all part of the process called growing up. She should try to branch out and find some new friends. If she is not sleeping, crying and hiding in the bathroom, maybe there are deeper issues here.

So hurtful, I know; but as I read your letter, the answer became clear-the "other" girls were never friends to begin with and they actually did your daughter a favor by shunning her. She can now find a nice group of girls with whom to be friends and this will someday be a distant memory. Good luck!

I have tried to impart on my children not to put anything in a text, email, or internet site that they are not okay with the entire world reading. Because in this day, whatever they say can be sent all over and used against them. We have a huge issue of cyber bullying right now at our middle school. What the kids are posting is horrible. The administrators claim they can't do anything about it but let the parents know their kid is being targeted, which I think is bs. These girls are bullying, and unfortunately, their parents condone and encourage it. You could try to have a pow wow with the parents, like, "hey, the girls aren't getting a long, things seem to have been taken out of context, can we get together to discuss?" Otherwise, I'm not sure if that will help. Middle school stinks. I still have horrible memories of how mean some of the girls were. What I would tell your daughter is to try to ignore them and they will eventually move on. Try to find some other friends. And above all, this time will come to an end, and she will find happiness. I used to dream I would be a famous actress and refuse to acknowledge them. Didn't happen, but it helped me cope at age 13.

Oh, and I think the responses that said it was inappropriate to go to the counselor were dead wrong. That is the counselor's job. and there is no excuse for bullying- 2 wrongs do not make a right and you should never gang up on someone for the reason of a inappropriate text. Some of these responses just prove to me that some parents are bullies and do not teach their kids the right way to handle things.

You left out a key piece of information....what did the text say that started all of this? The friends mother must have been mad for a reason.

Is it possible that your dd needs to apologize for what she texted. If I were you I would go through all your dd's texts and see exactly what she said. It may be that she did say something that was wrong or that was phrased inappropriately.

She's going to have to resolve this one on one with the girls...not with a counselor.
I find all this texting causes nothing but problems. I told my dd, she is not allowed to ever mention another person's name in a text - good or bad. Things get misinterpreted and retold inaccurately.

Reread Amy J, Suz, and B's advice.

Do not talk to the other moms, that's pointless, and will only cause this to turn into more drama.

Like someone else said -- she needs to empower herself, hold her head up high and find new friends. Maybe your daughter's lesson is to be very careful what she writes in a text from now on. That's what I would tell my daughter, if she were in that situation.

Added: I want to be very clear that though I think the counselor didn't handle this ideally, I DO think kids should approach their school counselors and I DON'T agree with the posts saying your child should not have involved the counselor at all. That was the right thing to do; the counselor is there for things like this; the error was when the counselor contacted the kids' parents and claimed bullying. My own kid sees her school counselor regularly right now.

Original: I second what Kristin said -- one text was not the issue; it was the last straw after other issues of which you may not be aware. It's time to be sure you ARE more aware, and also time to ramp back her use of texts and any other social media. The huge problem with in-school conflicts today is that they now spread onto Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, texts, everywhere, and that is 24/7 and the child can't escape it like she can escape problems at school when she goes home for the day. If your child has these kinds of accounts, and you do not currently monitor them, you need to do so now, because these girls may be pursuing her and spreading tales on social media, especially if she is now distancing themselves from her at school. Online bullying? Maybe, maybe not, but if they are all social media kids, it could happen. You need to be clued in. I know that in-school stress is the top priority right now, but be sure your child isn't coming home to more nastiness online or on her phone.

I agree that your daughter needs other outlets for friendship beyond school. Does she have outside activities? If so, and she likes those, get her more involved; if not, she needs some. This is also a positive opportunity to get her to pursue some interests she has -- there are plenty of classes and other groups for kids who like most anything (art classes; book clubs for teens at the local library; dance and martial arts and many other classes; etc. etc.). Let HER choose. Do not make her think "Mom is doing this to keep me occupied, "though -- she will hate it and resist. Frame it as "these things all start their new sessions soon, I will let you try any of these you want."

I am sorry the counselor seems to have overstepped. I hope you went in person and told the counselor that your child never mentioned bullying but wanted friendship help, yet the counselor's actions have made things far worse. The counselor needs to know that -- not in a blaming way,, but as feedback. The counselor is likely under orders to report any bullying she suspects, but if your child clearly says she does not feel bullied (or did not at that time, not sure about now), the counselor did create more issues. Or possibly your child said more to the counselor than she has to you, and it really has reached that level of bullying.

Are these girls in her core academic classes? If so, that is an issue to me as well. She needs to be able to focus and concentrate in those classes. Have you talked with her class teachers at all? They can, if they're willing, ensure that the girls are not on the same group projects as your child, aren't assigned to the same groups or teams in PE, aren't working with her in study groups, aren't seated with her if the teachers assign seating, etc. I would go in and ask for all these things. Teachers HAVE seen and heard this before, and should not act surprised if you bring this up.

I would not bother with the girls' parents unless you know them very well -- well enough to say "Our girls are having some issues that have Daughter very upset..." and can talk without sounding accusatory (even if the other girls are at fault!).

I have a lot of "should of, would of, could of" 2nd guessing when the girl drama started with my oldest years ago & I definitely have handled my younger girls dramas with their friends differently from that experience. Reading the book Queen Bee helped, I will check out the other book mentioned by Ginny K, too.

If this was me, I would find that text, read it, ask my daughter what she meant. I've noticed that texts are sometimes very brisk, sometimes even mean sounding & that isn't the intention all all. Then call JUST that girl & her mother & have a face to face conversation--the 4 of you, not the posse. Meet at your local coffee shop or someplace neutral. Appropriate text or not, your daughter & this girl need to talk, outside of school. If an apology is called for, your daughter should give a heart felt one. Resolve that situation as best as you can. TRY to let the girls do the talking/working it out, if possible. They may not go back to being friends, but the act of clearing the air should help a little. Since the other girl's mom got involved, you will need to speak with her, this is no longer just between two girls.

Then you need to help your kid develop coping strategies for school. She's being shunned & that is hard to take, especially when she has to be there, or she will have difficulties in her studies. Even with an apology, even if these 2 girls "kiss & make up"--all those other girls & parents got involved. My experience says that their involvement has escalated whatever issue was between these girls to a true storm that has taken on a life of it's own. Counsel you daughter to NOT engage with the other girls, beyond politeness, because ANY other conversation quickly becomes fodder for the gossip mill. IT will blow over. Help her cope until it does.

Even though this is happening in school, the counselor can't make these girls be her friend, they CAN & probably will watch that they are polite, but when the adults aren't looking, you can bet your bottom $ those girls are being mean. As much as possible, leave the school out of it, unless it is directly related to school...like being force to do someone else's homework or let someone copy during tests, then talk to the teacher & if possible, make sure your kids name isn't brought up during the findings. Yeah, it happens. If you can teach your girl to stand up for herself, she'll stop that in it's tracks. But it takes guts & back bone.

You can say all sorts of things about how these girls aren't important in the long haul, but to your girl, they are the most important people in her world right now. And as heartbreaking as it is to watch you girl go through this--even if she brought it on herself--she has to "grow a pair" as I tell my girls, suck it up & deal. It won't be easy, you can hold her hand, give her advice, steer her to activities, clubs, meeting new friends, but the reality is that she will have to do this herself.

If your girl is the sensitive type, isn't the type to really stand up for herself, consider going to a therapist. Each kid handles these things differently, & if you read all these Mamas posts, you can see that for some ladies, this is really just a little bump in the road, they have a personality that can blow off stuff & some of these Mamas have felt traumatized by this kind of girl drama & found a way to overcome it.

Girls bully by shunning, whispering, excluding, spreading rumors. Psychological stuff, little things that could easily be interpreted either as mean or just thoughtless. It's the kind of stuff that is hard to explain until it gets blatant. Not all bullying involves physical confrontations. Not all girls even notice it happening, some sensitive types notice it faster, some who aren't as aware of others never notice it all & when they do, think I don't need them, anyway. But learning to deal with this is good, because for the rest of her life, she will be around people, she will make new friends, she will lose friends, that's life. Good Luck.

I'm so sorry. I know this would really upset me too. You've gotten a lot of good advice. It seems to me like the text was possibly something offensive on your daughter's part, going to the counselor that same day was an overreaction ( same day...??), and something else had been going on for one girl to say this was her last chance. So those are the negatives. But you mention some girls since K. Do you know one or two of those moms well? Could you speak to just one of them? One of my daughters has had a BFF since preschool so I know the mom pretty well. I am sure if my daughter and her had remained close all this time and now this happened, I would have to ask that mom. She's a nice person, her daughter has been nice so I think they'd understand. I would say how my daughter is devastated and can the mom shed any light on whether or not other stuff had been going on? Say you're not trying to defend your daughter - just get a sense of the bigger picture. That way you might know better if there is a chance this can be resolved. And I agree with other posters - should your daughter apologize for the original text? Imagine if it was offensive and then she follows up by "tattling" on the other girls. She might be able to do a big mea culpa and fix thing perhaps by starting with a girl who has been a friend since K so perhaps one of her closest friends. Depending on that girl's reaction, it might help to then just clear the air by apologizing to everyone but still try to move on to other kids. If she apologizes but holds her head high and tries to move on, things could circle back eventually to be friends again. If not, at least she's trying to move forward and hopefully meets some new kids. New friendships take time though so it's tough. To answer your specific questions, I'd keep the school out of this now unless it does escalate to real bullying. But yes, I likely would try to talk to one mom if there's one you've known for years and see how that goes.

Has your daughter asked you for help or did you step in when you felt like it was time? That could make a big difference in her dealing with this. If Mom is going to take care of things then why should she invest in helping herself, which is the universal code as the first step in healing from anything?

But, if she has asked for your help, support and guidance then by all means, do what you need to do.

I agree with others. It is time for you to help your daughter perhaps make new friends and communicate better. When you offend someone via text, conversation or otherwise, it is polite to apologize and try not to offend again. At this point there isn't much conselors can do but make it worse and the same goes for the parents. It's time to dare to do something different.

My mother told me that everyone is not going to be your friend around freshman year of highschool. I also learned to have various groups of friends. I had friends near my home, friends at school, summer camp friends, friends from church, friends from afterschool activities, and friends from dance class. If I were to loose one person or an entire group of these friends it wasn't a total loss because I had the other pools of friendships elsewhere to enjoy and cultivate.

It is time your daughter developed new friendships, in school and outside of school. It is also time for her to learn about apologizing and that some friendships won't last a lifetime even though they may last a long time. It is also time to help her through the sadness that comes with lost friendships. Please help her with these things. I hope this helps you help her.

I totally get why this would be upsetting for you, it's really hard to watch our kids struggle with friendships, and it's even harder to not be able to fix it for them.

It sounds like things just started to spiral out of control very quickly. I am not the kind of parent that stays out of tween/teen business, I don't feel that most kids on the younger end of this spectrum know how to handle things very well on their own. I don't fix things for her, but I do provide encouragement and talk about how to resolve things. I love that your daughter went to the counselor for help- good for her! And I know that everything you are doing is out of concern for all. You and your daughter are both trying to make things better. But I think you need to take a step back and a deep breath.

I don't know what the text said, but perhaps your daughter just needs to say a blanket "what I said wasn't nice, and I'm sorry." That's it. The other girls either take her back or not. At this point, the parents and the counselor are not likely to help repair these friendships. That takes time and can only happen if all parties involved want this.

What the counselor can do is help your daughter adjust to the situation, and make sure she is ok during the day. No, she should not be bullied (if that is happening). But it is possible that she simply has girls that she used to be friends with who are going through a transition. It happens all the time at this age.

My advice to you is to keep her involved in other activities- church groups, sports, clubs, whatever to help her develop or focus on other kids. Keep her busy. And if she is truly depressed and crying all the time, it may be time to see someone about that. The damage by the text is done. Perhaps with a little space the girls will all start talking again, but maybe this was going to happen anyway. Give things some time, but in the mean time make sure your daughter is focused on different things.

Good luck!

I just want to agree with the posts that say this never should have been brought to the counselor. Going to the school for friendship issues is like going to the president because you're having issues with your HOA.

When kids do that at my daughter's school it turns the situation into a circus. A school counselor will try to make everyone feel better and get along but will not really address the underlying issue. In this case it sounds like your daughter is the odd girl out.

Not knowing what she said in the text and did prior that it's hard to know to what extent she played a role in this rejection but at this point it really doesn't matter. Trying to force this friendship will only make the other girls more mean. It's time for your girl to rise above and move on.

There are only two possibilities here. Either she acted inappropriately and brought this on herself or these girls are creeps who enjoy hurting others. Either way she needs to find some new friends. She won't be the first (or last) girl to go through this in middle school. Help her to see the bigger picture and move on.

The counselor was right... those girls ARE bullying. Your daughter didn't use that language herself but everything you're describing is bullying. The counselor simply put a name to it. And the counselor has been doing what she's supposed to do.

It was 100% the right thing to do in going to her.

It's the PARENTS of the bullies that are fecking things up. Now we know where those girls are getting their cues from in thinking that their behavior is appropriate. Your daughter needs new friends.

This could very well be a phase in the friendship/s but your daughter has to now take an approach in public that she doesn't care about those other girls. She needs to foster other friendships. She needs to make other friendships that treat her better as more important. When those other girls see that, they may get jealous but in any case the problems should stop because your daughter will stop thinking that what the bullies think is important.