7Th Grade Girl drama-I'm Kind of at a Loss

Whoa-IMO back off. The girls drama will not stop and will most likely escalate in HS. Sounds like Anna is handling it well. Let her continue.

If another mom called me about kid drama I would most likely not answer. If there were valid concerns-certainly. I tend to stay away from parents who are too involved.
Chances are Mary learned her manipulative tendencies from her mother.

Can you explain why her friends are letting Mary alienate her at SIM club yet they "side" with Anna at school? That doesn't make sense. I would think either Mary "took" all the friends or the friends would not let Mary exclude Anna at SIM but instead exclude Mary like they do at lunch. So that's confusing.

If tell Anna to just tell Mary she wants to hang out with different people, all kinds. Leave it at that. There is no need to talk with parents or anything.

GRRR. I typed a whole long well-thought out message and MP lost it.

I basically said that you need to downplay all this for your daughter. You are playing it up too much. You and the other mom talking to each other about your kids will do nothing for the situation, that's why you feel like nothing was resolved after talking to her. The kids need to resolve it themselves.

Of course, you can advise and guide your daughter. But even you can't control your daughters actions at the end of the day, and you certainly can't control Mary's. So your only next step is to continue to listen to your daughter and advise accordingly. How much she takes your advice depends on your relationship. You may have a lot of influence over her, or not so much.

I would advise Anna that Mary does not seem like a friend and no longer needs to be treated as such (in fact, Mary told her NOT to). That means be as cordial and polite to her as she would any other citizen of the school, but she doesn't need to get all wrapped up in any of her actions because she isn't even important in her life anymore. The more distance the better. The less thinking about and complaining about her nonsense, the better. Anna needs to disassociate from all that mess.

I would advise YOU to downplay the situation as much as possible. Example: "Oh is that what Mary did today? Well we know how she loves to stir the pot, that Mary. Good thing you have Sallie and Susie, they are such good friends to you. What did you girls do today?".

Trust me, you cannot solve this situation from your kitchen phone (or iPhone, or email...). These are my peeps-I am a 7th and 8th grade counselor- I know how they operate. You can only advise your daughter, and build resiliency in her by focusing on the positive. She needs to feel impervious to Mary's actions and you can help her do that by acting like YOU are impervious to her actions and she should be too. If you get all hyped up, and start making calls your daughter will think that what she is experiencing is so difficult that mommy has to smooth it over. You want her to think the opposite- "oh the drama of Mary! At least you realized you needed to stay away from her quick! Keep putting that distance between you honey, I know it's hard but your doing great. Now, what do you want to do for fun this weekend?"

Let it be. The girls need to work it out.

Re read your question switching Mary with Anna. That would be Mary's moms point of view. Do you get that? Your child is no more or less and angel than any other child.

Your daughter knows you check her texts, you sure she doesn't delete what she doesn't want you to see?

Really I don't know the real story it is just after raising one daughter and my younger daughter being 13 I know what they tell you is not the truth, it is always what the want the truth to be. This is their issues to work though so back off. Sounds like that is what Mary's mom has done which is why she only had one example for you. You have a million examples because you are way too involved in your daughter's friendships.

After reading your what happened: Oh good, two drama moms, kids have no chance, carry on.

Concentrate on simply instilling within your daughter the characteristics of integrity, kindness, compassion, the willingness to work hard, and other values that are universally appreciated and needed in this world of ours.

There will always be a "Mary". Right now Mary is a 12 year old girl. Eventually, the "Mary" will be a teen girl, a jealous friend, a truly evil person, a misguided but well-intentioned person, a person who made an innocent mistake, a roommate, a boyfriend's ex, a boss, a co-worker, an in-law, the list goes on and on. Some people have a lot of Marys in their lives, some only have a couple. But everybody has at least one.

If you try to fix everything, you'll go crazy, and your daughter will have no ability to advocate for herself, your daughter will not develop maturity, and no matter how many Marys you deal with, there will be another one.

So focus inward. Don't go to the teachers, the parents, the corporations, or anything else. Strengthen your daughter. Don't ask things like "are you going to let this ruin your life?" Don't use other people's bad behaviors as examples of what not to do. Instead, just teach your daughter what she values, what is important, and what to stay true to. Give her the tools to handle what life brings.

You need to get above this and not get sucked into the drama. There is no reason to talk to Mary's mom, since kids are smart enough to make themselves look the victim almost every time. Keep telling your daughter that real friends don't hurt each other and if she feels like Mary is being hurtful, then she's not a true friend. She sounds like she is moving away from Mary on her own and he needs to stay strong and keep making new friends. I understand wanting to fix it for her, but it's really something she needs to do on her own.

This type of thing started with my daughter recently too and she is already tired of the drama. One friend in particular plays these games and my daughter is seeing her true colors after having it directed at her lately instead of other girls. I'm trying not to bad mouth that friend too much, but gently guiding her to stay strong and not let her "friend" get away with too much. Fortunately, my daughter rolls with the punches and found a new set of friends quickly when the friend was playing drama games. She even did a similar lunch table drama and was all worked up when the girls happened to be sitting at a different table. I'm thankful that my daughter is strong enough to see past that. Sounds like your daughter is as well.

I am still friendly with the moms of these girls and pretty much play dumb to the drama. If the girls are on the outs, that shouldn't effect me and my connection to the moms at school. We all still operate as usual and don't discuss it. My take is that I've already been through middle school drama and I don't need more of it now with grown ups.

Stay strong and keep talking with your daughter. The best thing you can do right now is listen.

I think the kids need to stay away from each other, and if it's necessary to block certain numbers from your daughter's phone, then do it. All these kids are trying to have relationships by text message when they can't even have them at the lunch table and the club.

They need to steer clear of each other, not keep engaging in drama. I think both moms in this case are sticking up for their daughters, and it's not going to get resolved. Anna has friends, so she's not alone. Mary has friends. So I think the mothers need to stop telling each other to tell their kids how to behave and what to do/not do. It's just feeding more drama.

I can't believe that the teacher really wants to be in a conference on these issues. Hopefully the teacher is skilled enough to deflect the other mom and let this thing die out, so that the kids can get back to work and the teacher can focus on actual learning and teaching. No, don't schedule an appointment with the teacher unless something specifically relates to your daughter's academics. I think you have to have enough faith in the teacher to not think that a "preemptive strike" by a 7th grader is going to fool her. But your continued participation in this stuff just fuels it. You can't do anything about the other family. Just model for your daughter what it means to be mature, to hold her head up and to walk away. She doesn't have to go to every fight she's invited to.

Meantime, empower your daughter to speak up to the teacher if she's really being bullied, but also to walk away and cherish her real friends. Tell her she's old enough to manage this without trying to turn Mary or anyone else into a friend. 7th graders are old enough to start making choices about how they are going to interact with others, either as friends, as schoolmates and as just distant acquaintances they pass in the hall. Let your daughter know that you expect her to be mature enough to be accepting of others, to not buddy up in cliques, and to not get up and move away at the lunch table. If your daughter needs more help, she can go to the school counselor. That's where the items needs to be handled.

From what you have written, it seems that you need better advice than we can give here. If your daughter is still seeing her therapist, this would be a great question.

My arm chair opinion is that you are going to have to develop skills that support your daughter's social choices, without actually getting involved. This is not easy for some of us, but it can be learned from a professional. All my best.

Well you said that the girls have moved on so there isn't anything you need to or should do. This teacher isn't going to tell them they have to be friends, just that they need to be respectful of each other and bahave civilly. If Mary keeps texting Anna with messages you find truly objectionable then block the number, otherwise let it go. It took Anna a few days or weeks to catch on that Mary wasn't interested in her. Likewise it will take Mary a few days or weeks to catch on that she burned the friendship bridge. She'll move on just like Anna did.

I think that your next step should be to tell your daughter to hang out with her other friends and ignore Mary.

You have already invested WAY too much into this petty drama, and you don't want your daughter following suit.

Middle school stuff does not warrant a post of this length, sorry. Just tell your daughter that she has other friends and to ignore Mary (without being mean about it), and Mary will move on.

I disagree with contacting Mary's mother.

I work in middle school, and stuff like this happens hourly. It is definitely not worth the kind of emotion or involvement you are investing in it.

Yes, Anna should tell the teacher if Mary does anything overt. I handled at least three middle school disputes today, and they were over as quickly as they started.

You can't prevent your daughter from having heartache at the hands of friends or boyfriends, although you can teach her how to handle herself and her emotions in the the most constructive way.

So I would just listen to her if she talks to you, and then tell her she is a good person and that you trust her and her judgement (until she gives you a real reason not to trust her).

ETA: I've already warned my husband that our daughter's first broken heart will likely come from a so-called best friend, not a boy. :(

Your job is to listen and be supportive of your daughter privately.

You cannot control anyone except yourself, it's a lesson everyone has to learn. Let your daughter learn it without intervening on her behalf. I know it's hard but you can't fix this because it really isn't your problem. If you keep trying to make it right for her you will rob her of the ability to learn and grow socially. It sounds like she's doing great, trust that she can handle this on her own.

Yes it sounds like Mary wants everyone to be upset that she doesn't want to be friends and isn't coping well that they've moved on before she's gotten into to clique she wants to end up in.

Anna sounds like she's handling everything well so just let her be. You might want to suggest that if he friend texts again respond with 'I know you don't want to be friends with me. Please stop texting me so we can concentrate on our own lives.' Have her send that same text every single time and Mary will get the message that Anna isn't going to buy into the drama.

This is a life lesson for Anna. It's so important for her future for you to let her deal with this on her own unless she asks you for help or advice.

How do you know Mary's mom has asked for a conference with the English teacher? And how do you know it's about this and not simply about how Mary is doing in school?

If Mary's mom wants to have a conference with her daughter's teacher, that's her business. If the teacher is any good at her (or his) job, she will listen and tell Mary's mom to let the girls handle it. Also, the teacher should know better than to simple take what Mary and her mom say at face value without even talking to Anna.

Listen to Anna, and be there for her. The best thing you can do for her is to not get involved.

sounds like you and mary's mother have the same problem, you think your kid can do no wrong and all the fault lays with the other child, and you are both wrong. It takes two to do this kind of dance, your daughter and mary both have played their part, and both you and the other mother just refuse to see it. Let it go and let the girls work out their own problems.

Getting mothers involved usually adds fuel to the fire. If your daughter isn't being treated right have her stay far away from the offender. If that means joining different school activities for a while to avoid alienation, that may be the best right now.

I really don't even get the problem. I would not have contacted Mary's mother - seems a bit over the top to me. Mary is not obligated to want to be Anna's friend and it seems to me that Mary is trying out other waters. She seems to have a toe in both the deep and the shallow ends of the pool and is not quite sure where she fits in. I think your daughter is handling it perfectly by not responding to the texts. I suggest you stay out of it - your daughter is doing just fine. You are going to make things worse.

I haven't read the other responses, but my first reaction is that you need to bud out.

I feel like you believe the sun rises and sets with your daughter. You seriously have her up on this "perfect" pedestal. You claim that Mary's mom doesn't see the manipulative side of her daughter. Are you able to see the pitfalls of your own daughter? After reading this post, I don't think that you are.

I highly suggest letting her deal with her own drama, while being a supportive, understanding parent that listens. If she needs help, she will ask for it. Good luck

I feel your pain... I am SO glad my daughter is out of high school now.

It does not help to talk to the parents of any girls because they are blind to anything possibly negative that their angel might be capable of doing. NONE of the girls involved are angels. They all play a part in this dynamic. I don't see it as bullying as much as I see it as girls learning to get along.

My strategy was to listen to my daughter and let her let it all out to me. I had a hard time not telling my daughter how angry some of the girls were making me, etc because I knew within a week or 2 they would probably be friends again.. sometimes that happened, sometimes not.

As for the texts, we do not have the "read receipt" option on our texts. That way, no one truly knows if you have read the text or not. If you have that option activated, then it shows "read" as soon as you open it. It can be a good thing and a bad thing to have read receipts on texts.

I does sound like Mary is playing with emotions. Good for Anna for just going to another table with friends. Hopefully she will be strong enough to continue this. Also, teachers can easily pick out who the instigator is with girl drama. If Mary is planning a pre-emptive strike, the teacher may very well figure that out if the teacher is observant.

Bottom line it is best for the girls to work it out among themselves. They are trying to establish pecking order and after a while, things do settle down but as a mom watching and going through it with your daughter is it hell.

One thing I learned during this process is that most of the girls who get together in groups are like rough stones and after a while, they smooth each other out. The process is not a fun one but they learn to navigate through it themselves.

I would keep an eye on her texts. If Mary responds inappropriately to something I would pop on and text: "Mary, this is Anna's mom. You said you wanted to make new friends and you have. Please stop contacting Anna and her group of friends. Thanks" Something like that. If it continues, I would contact the teacher to step in and encourage her strongly to leave her alone. Good luck.

It is oh so easy for us to say back off. It is not so easy when it is our child being harmed.

Is Anna willing to quit SIM Club. Find a new outlet--gymnastics, cheer, tennis, etc.

BTW, grown a-- women can be just as manipulative with trying to drive a wedge between mutual friends.

Your daughter is 12 and this is where she needs to begin to learn how to deal with difficult people. Based on what you said about her, she is handling it well and adjusting normally by making decisions and new friends. There is nothing left for you to do but to keep open communication with her, NOT her former friends or their parents espceically when the former friend made it clear she didn't want to be friends with your daughter. It was at that point that you should be encouraging your daughter the same way my mom encouraged me and this advice works well with the boys too:

"Like those people that like you."

There is nothing left for you to do either with the teachers or other parent involved but if Mary's mom reaches out it is just a simple matter of stating Anna has moved on and so should Mary. Enough said problems resolved.

it's called rising above the fray.

Mama, I am sending (((hugs)) your way. It is so hard to watch our kids get hurt by others. I went through this with my youngest a while back. To help her deal with the pain and confusion we did a lot of talking about what she is looking for in a friend. We also talked about ways to manage the hurt feelings. We talked about different ways she might address the unkind behavior. We role played and came up with reassuring thoughts to tell herself when the hurt comes. We talked about possible reasons this person was being unkind. Lastly, we are spiritual so we prayed for peace in the middle of the tough situation and prayed for both girls to feel better soon. That was our process and it seemed to help my daughter feel heard, understood, and empowered. I would try to give your daughter the skills to manage it before going to the teacher. If things keep going south than maybe I would involve the school but first I would give your daughter a chance to deal with it. Not easy but it is good learning opportunity.

Check out the book, "Queen Bees and Wannabes." It's all about how to teach your daughter to interact and create healthy boundaries with her peers, and how to deal with "mean girl" situations.

I don't think you should be so involved, talking with Mary's mom and so fort, and I don't think you should contact the teacher. Please, extract yourself from the girl-drama. Anna needs to learn to deal with Mary. Check out the book and start mentoring Anna on how to do so.

What you've described is beyond drama. It is bullying and is not tolerated in most schools. It looks like it's time to get administrators involved.