We all have computers here (2 laptops for mom and dad, 3 desktops for each of the kids). A few of us are a little computer addicted, I'm afraid. Anyway, I like to surf the internet on my laptop at night after the family is asleep. First I wait until my husband has gone to sleep before I open it so it won't keep him from going to sleep. Then I keep the sound off and don't even type as to not wake him. Usually he goes on sleeping for the up to 2 hours I stay online so it's not an issue. Sometimes I guess it is an issue though. Like tonight he asked how long I was going to have it on (after I thought he was asleep). I said I will leave since it is bothering you, and came in the living room. The question is should I avoid bringing the laptop to bed altogether at night and just get up after I'm sure he asleep or should I continue to bring it with me and maybe wait a little longer after he goes to sleep before I use it again? It isn't getting in the way of our intimacy because he works such long hours (getting up a 5 and getting home at 7:30 or later) that he only wants to sleep when he gets in bed and is usually almost asleep when he hits the pillow.
Thank you for caring enough to share all of your beneficial comments. It was hard not to be able to respond to each message in a "thread" as I am usually able to do, so I decided to stop here and address some of the marital issues and then start another message, hopefully not too redundant, just concerning internet addiction. The site won't let me start another message for another six hours though, so that one can wait until this evening. I am putting the computer above my husband's desires even though I don't realize the degree to which I am doing this. I usually think he's too tired anyway so I might as well just get on the internet. I don't go to any immoral sites or participate in any chats or IMs with other men. I didn't know that the light had an effect on him, even when sleeping. I didn't realize I was hurting my marriage, so thanks for the insights. I think besides being exhausted all of the time, his age might have something to do with his lack of sex drive. He is 52. I am 44. Sorry this is so long. Hopefully the site will allow this much of a response. Bottom line, I think you're right, that the laptop has become a third partner in our marriage, and I am going to honor my marriage more than my computer addiction and change my priorities.
Go into another room. It would bother me if someone was using a laptop in the bedroom. I wouldn't be able to sleep.
We have a computer room where ALL of us use the computers. This is a habit that serves us in that the kids can't hide much of what they are doing on the computer from us.
I'm more concerned with the kids' usage than I am with yours. I think that it's a bad idea for them to be so dependent at those ages. Do they spend any time on physical activity or things that require them to work together (like even sharing a computer)? I'm always trying to find the lesson in something, for myself, for my kids. How much time do they spend on the computer? Are they doing all of their homework on the computer? In our house, the 14-year-old wants to use the computer for everything, and I think that it hurts him in the following ways: His handwriting is terrible (really all over the place), and he doesn't practice it enough because he wants to do his wiritng on the computer. He has no sense of what it takes to put time and real effort into his studies because everything is found online; so he gets started at the last minute and pieces something together from the Internet. He has no sense of putting time and work into something. Also, he gets through and always wonders what's next to entertain him, because he only wants what's quick and easy and fun. When he misses assignments, he goes back and makes them up by doing a quickie job online. I think that he should have to do it the long, hard way, so he will appreciate the privilege and so he can learn that life isn't gonna be like that. I've seen too many times the effects of children who feel entitled and think of privileges as rights. (PS. The 14-year-old is my husband's and lives with his mother, so we spend our weekends working on earning privileges because they are not rights, especially when you don't do your part.)
Maybe it's just me but what could you possibly be "surfing" for at all hours of the night? My advice is talk to your husband first and find out this is an issue with him. Anything that threatens your marriage should be dealt with. You might be able to work out a compromise. Try going to bed with him instead and get a little extra snuggle time. If you can't sleep, try reading or something. If your husband was on the internet late at night and you were in bed my guess is that you would probably be a little suspicious. Keep in mind that affairs mostly start with "innocent" chatting so make sure to guard yourself against that!
Darling, what is so important on the internet that you have to wait until your husband is asleep to look at? You might be addicted.
If your husband leaves to go to work at 5 and comes home at 7:30, you have all of that time to view the internet. That internet is gonna end up as your better half. Watch it! He's not saying anything, but you'd better believe he's taking notes.
I have to ask, does it bother your husband that you are on-line or that he can't fall asleep. Maybe it is not that you are on but that sometimes would rather you not use it. I have this problem with my husband on a daily basis. He has just joined the paintball sport and is usually online with team mates. It is not much of an issue with me that he is on but sometimes I would prefer that he spent that time talking with me about our days or the kids. Talk to your husband and see what the real issue with him might be, maybe you can work something out as to when it would be ok for you to be online.
Best of luck...
I would not use the computer in the bedroom. Even if you are considerate, it could still wake him up. Sounds like he needs a good nights sleep. Also, I would go to bed when he does if the kids are asleep every once in a while and see where it might lead. I read a book called For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and it says that men do not feel loved if a woman does not want them sexually. They tie the feeling of being loved to sex. Make sure he knows you love him. I don't care how tired a guy is, if you show him you are interested in that, he will find the energy. Hope my opinion helps.
Please do not take your laptop into the bedroom; it really does affect intimacy. My husband used to surf the web when he couldn't sleep, but it would wake me up when he got out of bed, even though he didn't know it woke me up. It made me feel 2nd to the internet and had me wondering what was so interesting online that I could not provide. Your husband may not be feeling the exact same way, but this is how I felt and I was pregnant at the time. I hated to bring it up b/c it felt so petty, but it started affecting our relationship, or at least my point of view of it. Try talking to him about it and see.
I think I would just ask him directly if you being on the internet in the room is a bother to him. He may be awake more than you realize and just hasn't said anything about it. Maybe you can just be in the living room or something. If he likes to go to sleep with you there, then maybe you guys can agree on a schedule for your computer time. My hubby loves to surf too, so we made a little schedule and it worked great. Take care!
Since you are a SAHM with children all in school, do your surfing while you are at home alone. When he comes home after working those kind of hours, you should be more considerate of him. So he does go to sleep shortly after he goes to bed, he is there with you. You know some men have wondering eyes and if you keep up the surfing late at night instead of snuggling up close to him while he sleeps, he may decide that that is more important to you than he is and go looking for someone that will snuggle. So he is asleep, but he knows when you are snuggling.
It really bothers me that the kids Each have a computer to surf on. Why do you need so many computers in one household? The kids should be able to share a computer that is located in a central location of the household. This way, they can not hide what they are doing on the internet. And also, why can't you get online during the day while your husband is at work and the kids are at school? I am willing to bet this bothers your husband more than you think. Try keeping it off when he is home. Sorry, it sounds kind of harsh, but I don't think kids need to have so much access to the internet at this age.
First, you should not bring a laptop to bed anyway... the bedroom is your time with your husband..whether sleep or not... it is not a good feeling waking up and seeing one of you on the laptop.... your time on the laptop should be when he is not home.. when he is home... that is your time... with your family... anyway what is so important that the laptop surfing has you hooked? You need to find another hobby of some sort...
You are a sahm w/ children old enough that your internet usage should be done while the kids are at school. I think you are addicted and need to remove the laptop from your site when your husband gets home. Only my opinion.
Although it may not interfere with your intimacy he may resent having 'someone else' in bed with you. I know my husband does not like it when I'm in the living room on the laptop when he's in bed (he gets up early too.) I wouldn't even consider bringing it to bed with me.
I try to get in bed as quickly as possible after he goes to bed. Sometimes it might be half an hour later but I try to not let it get that late.
S., mom to four girls
We too are addicted to the internet. My DH is a system admin and I am taking online classes. It is very easy to use the computer to distract myself from my studies, too. We also have the rule that there are no computers in the bedroom. It could be distracting from your sleep without you even realizing it. DH and I go to bed together, so we both have to agree with a time to close them up and head to bed.
I think that it is great that each of your children have computers. I hated nothing more then to have to share my computer with my siblings, and today's studies are much more dependant on the computer then they were "in my day." I do hope that the computers are in a central location though. I do believe that you need to be able to see everyone when they are on their computers for safety reasons.
I'ld keep the computers out of all of the bedrooms all together. Also you might try deleteing any toxic (dramatic) boards from your favorites and just stop going to them. It is hard, but it gets easier. (This board is my last addiction.) I also make sure that my computer is closed no later then 3am when DH is here. (He works 3rds.) and that gives me time to get my homework done. (It is due at 2am, then I get a jump start on the next days.)
You may not like what I'm about to say...any adiction can be dangerous to a marriage and to kids! I am speaking from the fall out of a marriage that didn't survive computer addiction! The mom got "hooked" on a game and soon she and the whole family were spending large parts of each day...and well into the night, on the computer. They had computers for each child and she quit her job...soon she had internet friends and affairs...not too far down the road she stopped feeding the babies and changing diapers...NOTHING but the games and friends mattered. I'm NOT saying that you would ever do such a thing...but you have to realize that a good mother left her 4 children (one was a baby) for an internet adventure and unlimited access. The father tried to keep her off, he even took all the computers away at one time...she just made frequent trips to the library...leaving the children at home alone! She finally left and the damage is so serious...it has been 5 years and we still have to limit how much his kids watch t.v. and play video games...it started with an "inocent" surfing adiction. DON'T let yourself be mastered by this thing...LIVE your life...don't watch others living and think it is good enough.
Ask your husband how he feels about you being on the computer at night. If you are a SAHM then perhaps sometime during the day when he is at work and the kids are at school would be a better time for your computer time. He just might feel like you are taking time from him, that you don't consider because he is sleeping.
As long as he is asleep and you are not doing anything wrong on the internet, I don't see a problem with it. Just watch what you are looking at and doing, it will allow the devil into your home, marriage and life.
Have a wonderful day!!
D. Mattern-Muck
Be Blessed, Live Informed!!
www.formyrugrats.com
www.safer4myrugrats.com
I do the same thing basically. After our kids go to sleep I check my email and surf internet from my laptop in the bed. Sometimes this only lasts a few minutes but sometimes an hour or so. My husband is a heavy sleeper so I didn't think it bothered him. But then lately he will mention how I am always on the laptop in bed. So now I am rethinking it. I probably shouldn't ever bring it in the bed. We have a rule since we got married of no TV in the bedroom so I guess the same principle would apply. And I am trying not spend more than an hour on it as well. I think everything is about moderation and communication...Don't know if this helps at all but I could relate when I read your post! D.
I have to agree, the computer does not belong in the bedroom, unless let's just say he is watching Tv in there and your on your laptop to be near him! Lot's of articles have been written about any kind of light even a luminecent alarm clock gets in threw the eyelids and prevents the deep REM sleep that is the only sleep that is truly restful. If your hubby has such long hrs. you should be very supportive of his getting enough rest. It's ok to go in the living room on occaision, but bedtime should be pretty mutual for both of you if you want to keep your marriage. I would also be concerned if as you say he is far more interested in sleep than in sex with his wife! Most of the men I have known in my lifetime would take sex over sleep any day of the week! And they would have to be on a possible death bed to turn it down any time of the day or night! My husband works a full time day job 5-6 days a week getting up at 5 am, he comes home for an hour or two and goes to a part time night job working 6 nights a week. he gets to bed most nights by 11 or so, but I could wake him up in the middle of the night any night of the week and he would have a big smile on his face the whole next day! I think maybe you should find out where his sex drive went, there may be more than just a computer invading your intimacy!
