Seeking Moms of Toddlers

Yes i think it is definately time to put her in her own bed wow mom and dad should be sleeping in there bed not the kids. My daughter will be 2 the end of march and i just put he rin her toddler bed she does very well with that and she has slept in her crib since she was born.

I believe that you are completly correct on that situation. She really does need to put her child in a crib now before that new baby comes and she is overwhelmed plus she wouldn't want the 18 month old blaming the baby for the change.. but keep in mind that it is her decision to make and the only thing you can try to do is explain these things to her and hope she makes the right one. Good luck hope it works out

If your daughter in law is fine with it, then you should be too. I have co-slept with both of my children, they don't stay in the parents' bed forever, she isn't going to have her in bed with her when she is 16.

Co-sleeping can be very beneficial for babies and if they are happy with the arrangement, then that is all that matters.

My husband and I are cosleepers with our kids. My 3 year old just got her own bed a few months ago since we were running out of room with us and our one year old in a king size bed! Kids are bed hogs. Both of our families have been very concerned about this issue and felt that our daughter would "never" want to sleep in her own bed. Well, she loves her own bed and has never once come back to our bed. She has always gone to bed with no problems at all, and is a great sleeper. She can sleep anywhere, at anyone's house, at any time and has been having overnights with my aunt and sister in law since she was 2. I would say to lay your worries aside and let your daughter in law and son do what they think is right and deal with the consequences when they are ready. Both my husband and myself absolutely love sleeping in the same bed as our kids. They grow up so fast, as we've already seen with my 3 year old. Your grandaughter might not want to sleep in her own bed or a crib, but she might love it and I'm sure they will figure it out. One thing that helped us was having my husband put my daughter down to sleep. Then she didn't need me to lay by her for a long time, he would read her some stories and put her down and lay there for a few minutes and she'd be out. Please don't waste your time worrying about what the "right" thing is to do, the parents will figure it out for themselves. Neither of my kids have ever slept in a crib and they are doing great.

Don't worry too much about it. I co-slept with my parents, and I didn't have much trouble moving to my own bed. Our daughters co-sleep with us now, and our oldest (she's 2) has decided on her own that sometimes she wants to sleep alone. We DID decide to get a king-size mattress, and that made life much easier. I was just reading some information yesterday on co-sleeping on www.mothering.com...I don't know if it would help in your current situation, but it never hurts to try :)

Hi Grandma L.,
I know you don't want to hear this but my kids never slept in a crib. They slept with us in our bed but did learn to go to sleep by themselves although at ages 6 and 9 would still love to sleep with us every day. I had a crib up and tried to use it several times and decided I liked our way better. I can't remember at what age we starting putting them in their own beds. I would certainly start weening her from having someone with her all night. Lay down with her to put her to sleep and get up after she is sleeping. Or have her go to sleep with the parents but then transport her to her own BED after she is asleep. From my experience with the crib, my kids didn't like the lack of freedom that they were used to from sleeping in a regular bed, which I totally understand. Thank goodness we bought a king size bed when I was pregnant with my first.

Also in order to avoid falling off the bed, we would tuck a rolled up towel under the fitted sheet along the edge of the bed and it was enough to keep them from rolling yet still allowed them to get out of bed on their own.

T. D

I personally didn't co-sleep and feel that it is more difficult later on. I put mine in a crib from the first night home from the hospital and never had any trouble, it was easier later on. However, co-sleeping is a popular thing to do right now. There is a lot of information about how it helps the children and the parents. There is also a lot of information about transitioning back to sleeping apart. If your daughter-in-law wants your advice then it would be okay to give it. But, giving advice without being asked will feel like criticism! Please avoid that if you want to maintain a good relationship. Be careful not to say anything to your grandchild or in front of her because you love her and the last thing that you want to do is make her feel like she is doing something wrong and start to doubt her Mommy. You might want to check out some books or other information so that when/if the DIL does ask for advice, you will have some options to tell her, because she will likely resist the idea of just putting her to bed and letting her cry it out. She will need step by step ideas, like start her out on the crib mattress on the floor beside mommy and daddy's bed and week by week, move it closer to the door and down the hall. Just a thought.

Probably when she gets uncomfortable enough, she will start to move the big girl to her own bed. If it is your son who is really having the problem with the situation, then you can do their marriage a whole lot of good by helping him find a way to tell his wife that he misses her. He will need to focus on his feelings for his wife and not on what he thinks she is doing wrong with their daughter. Good luck to you.

Your concerns are legitimate, and it is great that you are thinking of your family's welfare. Every family and every child is different, therefore no one sleeping situation is best. Many societies have families co-sleeping as the norm. I kept my son in my bed with me for months, and now (2.5y) he will only sleep in his crib. So you never know what will happen! If you can't stand to keep quiet, maybe just ask your daughter-in-law casual open-ended questions about her plans for sleeping arrangements when the new baby arrives. Maybe she will ask you for advice?

My sister is in the same situation as your daughter-in-law. Her daughter is 14 months and they co-sleep in a twin bed at times. The crib doesn't get used. Her boyfriend of 12 years is there at night about half the time and sleeps on the couch. My sister lost her first baby at 22 weeks. I think this is a HUGE reason for a lot of things she does now. I would think your daughter-in-law is very scared and over protective also, of losing another child. No advice to offer however, we try to talk to y sister on occasion, but she is going to be and do what she thinks best. She loves sleeping with her daughter. I imagine eventually, as all things, it will work out.

When we moved from St. Louis we helped transition my daughter to a big girl bed at 14 months by decorating her room and gettig her bed all set up so it looked really pretty. Then she helped arrange her toys...the whole time we (myself and my parents) kept talking about Lucy's big girl bed and how fun it would be to sleep in the bed. I think if the child feels ownership in her room, they are more likely to want to stay there and transition to it. That being said, my daughter does still usually join us in bed between 4 and 6 in the morning. It's not every night...just when she wakes up on her own and needs some hugs or some milk from a sippy cup.

I agree with what people are saying about the co sleeping not being a problem, except that as she gets bigger, the couch will get smaller. So, they should either transition to the bed together or try to put the child in a big girl bed...that way there is more room for Mom to go lay next to her if needed. I too am pregnant with my 2nd and we are trying to make a lot of the transitions that will come with having a new baby now so that she doesn't connect them with the new baby (i.e. I'm carrying her less so she walks more, switching to a booster seat, taking her nuk away). All of these are transitions that would happen around the time the baby came (just b/c she'd be turning 2 and getting bigger) but I'm starting them early so she doesn't blame the baby.

Just keep supporting your daughter-in-law as best you can...even if it's not your way...it's the way that's right for her and her family.

I think she should probably put her in her crib but these situations are always so delicate. She is 18 months so she is past the crib death stage and there is probably a bigger risk of the mother suffocating her than anything happening to her in her crib. Having two kids on the couch isnt going to be good either and her husband probably would like his wife back.
I have a 6 year old and a 5 year old. I slept with my older child until the younger was born and then I said this is too much and I put both my kids in their cribs and I am glad I did. It was hard and my son cried for about a week but I just made sure he liked his room and got him excited about being a big boy. I also put the baby in the same room and I told him he was the big brother and I needed him to help me by being in the same room with the baby so he could tell me if somthing was wrong. In reality I think it just helped with his lonliness and made him feel responsible. I think it helped even though the baby woke him up at night.

M.

No, you are not wrong, however I understand why she would want to keep an eye on her while she sleeps. I would recommend they all sleep in the same room, and have the crib next to where your daughter in law sleeps. That way everyone is happy. :) Also, this way the toddler can get used to sleeping in her own crib and still be next to mom...later down the line maybe mom won't be so attached with 2 children. I hope this helps!

I really do not think it is a big deal that they sleep together, but the fact that it is on the couch and not in the bed is what I would be concerned about, that cannot be good every night. You are right about your granddaughter probably not wanting to be put into a crib, I would suggest a big girl bed -- let her help big out her new bed so she is excited about it and then your daughter in-law could still sleep with her but gradually ween herself from her room so that when the new baby comes it will be much easier for everyone. Since you mentioned the still born, I think it was comforting for her and probably helped her thru that tragedy and to each his own, but now is the time to start moving on. She could make sleeping in her bed a special thing -- once a week or month and it could be like camping out. I co-slept with my oldest and it was wonderful, but I do believe it was more for my benefit then his. The big bed and making sleeping in my bed a special thing helped with the transition, but it does take time so she should definitely think ahead.

As a mother my advice to you is to mind your own business. You can only offer advice. You have already raised your children and you have to let your son and daughter in law raise their children the way they feel fit. My daughter is 3 and my son is 3 months. My daughter sleeps with my husband and I and my son sleeps in a pack n play bassinet next to our bed. Children grow up fast enough so we have decided to enjoy as much of themas we can.

Heck Ya, That little one needs to be in crib ASAP. Not to much mom could smother her in her sleep not knowing, especially if their on the couch. Whats up with that don't mom and dad have their own bed.

Hello there,

If your daughter-in-law asks you for your opinion on this matter, then I would gently give it. Otherwise, unsolicited advice from anyone's Mom or Mother-in-law is never appreciated or taken the right way. I don't think I would worry so much about someone else's daughter co-sleeping with them and just wait and see if she asks for your advice. I'm not one to meddle in other's business so that is just my personal opinion. I hope that gives you a different perspective.
J.

I don't think it's really a bad thing that she's co-slept this long. How ever now that she's pregnant she'll need to think how she's going to handle a new born and co-sleeping with a toddler. She's not gonna want her toddler to blame any new sleeping arrangments on the new baby. And to be honest I wouldn't want a toddler and an infant co-sleeping together. Maybe just ask her what her plans are for when the baby comes and hint around that she probably won't want the toddler to deal with any additional changes with a new baby as a new babe is a huge change in it's self. That maybe she should think about making and changes sooner instead of later. I would in NO way insinuate that her co-sleeping this long is wrong though - that will most likely cause resentment and may make her try to prove you wrong that she can co-sleep with both.... and that would be a lot of stress for everyone!

And your granddaughter doesn't have to go in a crib. At 18 mo it may be easier to transition her directly into a toddler or twin bed.

I just went through this situation. I was 8 mos pregnant when my 10 mo old started sleeping in her own bed. We know of the concerns of SIDS, but we do co-sleep. Anyway we got our daughter in her own bed just at a point when she was falling asleep on her own. So the transition went somewhat smooth. There were a few nights that I would rock my daughter to sleep and then put her in her own bed. The main thing is for your daughter-in-law to be consistant in not letting her daughter sleep with her for any reason, we made that mistake a few times. But once the new baby comes you daughter-in-law will have only two options: get her daughter in her crib...or buy a bigger mattress! Trust me we know from experince twice, once with our 3 yr old son and just with our daughter.

Hi L.,
I think your absolutly right, but even though your a grandmother, your daughter in law is the mother. I would suggest very nicely and as just an idea that with her being pregnant she should start the transition now. From my experience if you wait to long, the child will blame the baby for taking away the mom. Good Luck,
J.

Grandma- I can see you concern and yes she does need to do things soon seeing how she is going to have another one. But I would say for you to watch what you say or do cuz she could still be having a hard time with the fact of lossing a child. At the childs age I would on suggest a crib seeing how she has slept in a big girl bed already. I would talk to your son about your concerns and have him talk to his wife and maybe he can give help out with the adjustment. I would get her a toddler bed to start with or a twin bed with rails so she doesn't fall off and see how that works out. Man sleeping with your child is the "HARDEST" habit to break. Good luck! D.

It's way past time, however, it's not really your place to say, she'll figure it out and do her own parenting her own way. If she asks for advice, that's when to give her your opinion, otherwise, you really shouldn't say anything at all.

If your daughter-in-law and husband feel that co-sleeping with their daughter is the route they want to go, that is their decision. However, when you co-sleep there have to be some ground rules. The most important one is that there is ample room in the bed for all that sleep there. If your daughter-in-law and granddaughter are co-sleeping on a couch, that isn't safe. The bed is a better place.

My son co-slept with my husband and I for 6 mos (until he started sleeping through the night or only waking for one feeding). I put him to sleep in my bed, and once he was asleep I moved him to his crib. That could be a suggestion for your family - if they want to stop co-sleeping. Basically, this is their decision and you should let them make it.

Hi L.,
Congrats on being a grandma!! This is a really touchy subject that usually gets pretty controversial. I am a 36 year old mother to a 2 1/2 yr old son. I am also a healh professional and I have Very strong opinions about "co-sleeping". Babies die every year because the were suffocated or crushed by unaware parents while sleeping. Especially on couches!! Many who probaly thought it could "never happen to them"!! It is going to be very hard for your daughter-in-law to get her daughter in a crib now. She may want to transition her to a toddler bed in a few months. Your local library my have some books on toddler sleep habits.

In any event, I must agree with the other responders that it is her decision and you need to be very careful about how you broach this topic with with her. She is the mom and ultimately (right or wrong)it is her call. Maybe you can just ask what she was planning to do once the new baby gets here. Good luck to you.