Seeking Kind Words and Support While Parenting a 12 Year Old

It sounds like he is trying to show that he is grown up and does not need the attention that you are giving him. If this is the case it will get better. But he also needs to know that he needs to show some respect or there will be some problems that will be taken care of as to his behavior. You will need to deal with them as they come up.
Good luck been there with both of mine and I got some gray hair over it.

Hi, i'm 49,and a mother of two teenage girls 14 and 15 and i'm here to tell you middle school is a really hard time for kids. No longer little kids and not yet grown. Puberity is a nightmare. Try to understand you son is going through puberity. He is still a little boy but he wants to be a man. He doesn't understand what's going on. Harmones are raging and he doesn't know how to handle them. That doesn't excuse rude and disrespect. I'm here to tell you it does get better. He needs to know you love him and will stand by him no matter what. When the question was ask, what do you likes best about your mother? My 14 year said that i love her no matter what crazy things she does. Your son is trying to find himself and you get the previolege in helping him. You have to remind him that you won't accept him being rude or disrespectful. Talk to him the way you want him to talk to you. All in all this to will pass and everything will get better. Be blessed and be safe.

Bless your heart! It's understandable that your son wants to show his independence, but it is NEVER okay for him to take a nasty tone with his mother. Period. Rudeness and disrespect should not be tolerated, and it might take the firmness of a man to get that point across. Boys can reach a certain point where they attack what they perceive as weakness. If you're overly sensitive and crying a lot (understandable at this time in your life), that's a big turn-off for him. Children identify with their parents from a very early age. They know that they come from you and assume that they are like you. It's not a conscious thing, but they reject what they perceive as "bad" or "wrong" about you because they're afraid that they have those same traits somewhere in there. A part of him is acting like this with you in hopes that you'll stand up to him and prove him wrong, so he can see the strength. We never know what triggers it.

Dear D.,
I started laughing when I read your post, not because it is at all funny, but that then we were going through with 4 children you are going through with one. My husband and I just celebrated our 32nd anniversary so that's my first illustration to say "You can live thru this". We had four children in 9 yrs. with personalities like north, south, east and west; 3 girls, one boy. For several years we lived in the pre-teen and teen years in combination. (Again, nobody died, but I thought I might.) One mom commented that her son was in the terrible two's at 2,12, and 20. I'd say that was pretty much the case with us times 4. That said, Somebody was always doing Something. We lived on a shoestring budget and sometimes we had to tie a knot in the broken shoestring to keep going. I was a SAHM which is what we wanted for our kids. We lived as nearly as we could to the biblical, "Train up a child in the way he should go..." principles. So when I felt (for years)I was living inside a three ring circus, I knew we'd "trained the animals", but worried if somebody messed up the routine would the animals bolt and the tent fall down. With prayer, stamina, dedication and Love when strong winds of adversity blew, God kept the tent and the perfomers safe in his love. Find something to laugh about, no matter how small. =)

D....I have a 10 yo who is ODD...she started doing this at 4 yo... so I TOTALLY understand. I wish I could say I was premenopausal...but, sadly no...I am just supersensitive...

It is very hard when they are being disrespectful and rude. What I have adopted to deal with it, and it has worked for me, possibly it may work in your case as well.

When she is using "that tone" I simply tell her when she decides to talk to me in a respectful tone of voice I will respond to her. When she is giving me dirty looks or otherwise being rude, I tell her that she can change her attitude or she can go to her room until she wishes to be more respectful.

Does it work 100% of the time no..but it has a good rate of working as my daughter does not like being in exile from the family. And she really hates it when I refuse to speak to her.

I hope this phase passes with minimal heartache for you. Good Luck... ;-)

Good luck, D.; and, yes, it will get better.

My son has just finished junior high (14-yrs-old and going to be a freshman in H.S. this school year). Wow!

In many ways I agree with Katy's form of response. I found it hardest to keep myself calm, but I got better at that when I saw what a difference it made. My son earns the privilege to visit friends or play on his computer and I use that. When he starts to argue with me, I (or try to) calmly respond with something like "sounds like you are arguing with me... kids who argue with me [yell at me | harrumph at me] don't earn the privilege to play on the computer...keep this up and I'll turn off the computer."

You need to customize your response. Sometimes, I'm even "sorry, can't hear you, I don't understand whining voices."

There are a couple of other tips.

Be SURE to thank him (or praise him) when he is nice or actually does a chore without being reminded or does what you asked him to do, say with minimal fuss. Work on trying to give a compliment each day.

Decide what battles you want to pursue. It may be more important to "rag" on him about being rude than, say, keeping his room clean! If my son is not hurting himself or someone else, or putting himself into some sort of danger, I would let that behavior slide rather than make a "battle" over it.

Hey, sometimes put yourself in a timeout! With that I mean you go into your room and close the door. Five minutes will do. Say that you need a minute to decide how to respond and say you will be back in five. It was very interesting when I have done that!

Keep yourself healthy! You just can't be nice or motherly when you have yourself tired and grumpy. The same goes for your son. Keep his sleep hours regular and keep him from getting really hungry (he'll find the cookies and eat them all!!!).

Again, good luck.

Hi D.,
I agree, "it is different working with other peoples kids than your own." The child he is hanging out with, how well do you know him and his family? You made a statement, "I understand he needs to be independent", " but for a 12 year old there has to be boundaries set as far as how much independency you give him. I would try really hard not to react to his behavior (at least don't let him see you reacting). I would ask him questions such as, "I have noticed you seem angry, tell me how you are feeling?" This serves as an open ending question for him. In other words, if gives him the chance to respond with a more detailed answer. Hopefully, he will respond and if he does, listen without interruption. Once you know he has completed what he is saying, than you give your response (without a big "R") Try not to say, "why are you acting this way?" There is something about the "why" word that causes people, children, etc... to react and of course, there is the lovely WHY question from the child. Any how, since you have noticed a personality change in him, you should explore as to why he has changed so suddenly. I have to be very honest with you in hopes you do not take it personally, but please confirm he is not experimenting with drugs and most definitely monitor his computer activity if he is on the computer alot (this is big!) and when he starts back to school monitor his grades and the level of respectfulness he has towards his authorities. It could simply be a preteen change. It's hard to really say until you explore. I only preach (if you want to call it this) what I practice and what I have experienced. Below is a little advice I got from a trustworthy website. Hope it helps! Be Encouraged and try and stay in good communication with your son and more importantly, stay in his business, sort of speak. Blessings!

Understanding Arguing

Arguing can be defined this way: Using logic and emotion to change someone’s mind without considering how the intensity of the discussion is hurting the relationship.

The child who is prone to argue will often start with “Why?” in order to find ammunition. You, of course, view it as a harmless question, and since you have the answer on the tip of your tongue you graciously pass it on. The child responds with “But…” and now you’re both off and running. These kinds of discussions aren’t bad (in fact they can occasionally be helpful), but some children use them as manipulative techniques to get their own way. Arguing can become an irritating habit but it’s also a symptom of a heart problem.

Children who argue have good character qualities like persistence, perseverance, determination, creativity, and the ability to communicate their ideas. The problem with arguing is that your child views you as an obstacle, a mountain to tunnel through. The child who argues often lacks sensitivity, humility, and a proper respect for authority. Your challenge as a parent is to encourage the positive qualities and discourage the negative ones.

When you sense that your child has crossed the line and is valuing the issue at the expense of the relationship, stop the dialogue. Refuse to argue. It takes two to argue but only one to stop. Remember that good logic isn't the only consideration. You are also teaching your child to value relationship and learn to communicate with honor.

This tip was taken from chapter five in the book, “Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids” by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Suck it up D., you're both going thru difficult stages in yor lives, it gets better for the most part, you'll always have a little something going on, they become adults but they are forever your kids(mine are24,28,31,34 and 35). If yor daughter turned out great, odds are your son will too, just hang in there.Being perimenopausal just makes it seem worse than it is, going thru it myself. Good luck and have faith-you did great by your daughter, your son will be cool too.

D.,

When I read your entry today I thought someone wrote bits about my life, I too have a daughter she is 24 and my son is 13. My daughter did very well in school and the only times I would have to go to school were on open house or pta nights. my son is the total opposite, he is rude, disrespectful not only to me but to all the relatives and teachers I have had to go to school and sit in the class with him all day several times during the school year. I have tried taking away his favorite things and only left a bed in his room and he had to earn all his things back, that only lasted a while. I had to quit my job so I can be at school more and keep the peace at home. He fights with his 24 year old sister daily, she still lives at home along with her two year old daughter. I know you are looking for answers and I am not sure there are any. I will try the Young Marines this August
I hope that will help him. My dad tells me its the age group that make young men act out in this manner that the kids think everyone is out to get them and that we don’t understand them. That may be true, but I think respect is still necessary!

I hope that someone has some good information to share on this topic.

Good luck!!

C.

I can relate with the perimenopausal part - I'm going through that, too (will be 50 Aug. 21). You just try to be as civil as possible and take it easy when your energy is low. As far as the son being rude and disrespectful, some of that you can overlook but you have a right to be treated with respect. Set some boundaries for him. If his tone of voice is offensive, ask him, "Is that how you would like for somebody to talk to you?" Charity begins at home.

Mine is 11 and when he decides to 'get smart' I drive back home. He needs to respect you. And before that, you need to respect yourself.

I remember when I was young and lost my mother. I would never talk back to her, but my dad raised me single handed, I would talk back, call him all sorts of names and I look back and wished he would have been more stern with me.

Put your foot down, plus it's a phase. Teens and especially teen boys can be ludacris.

Yeah, rudeness is normal, but NOT acceptable!!! I hate to be telling you what to do, but I am the step-mom to 4 boys...I love them all very deeply...and I am extremely strict about this kind of thing. I recommend that you spend a lot of time talking about respect with him...make him understand that you are not requesting that he do this...it is required that he show respect. AND be serious about it. Everyone slips up, but intentional smart mouthing needs to be met with strong and unpleasant results. I.E. NO friends...drive home with him still in your car next time...no allowance...no tv or videos...etc. Use a very strong tone of voice and make it clear that his little attitude isn't going to get him where he wants to go...and lastly, BOYS HATE push-ups...:) Just a few push-ups often completely fixes bad attitudes.

Make it clear that the standard is already set and he may not cross the line - and make it clear that the line is there to teach him to be the best possible grown man that he can be.

My friends always told me that it happened to them too and that they do grow out of it...I am here to tell you that you are not alone.
I am VERY thankful that the rudeness and ugly tone was only directed to us at home and that when she was with other people and other adults, my daughter was a wonderful teenager.
She is now 18 and the outbreaks come fewer and further apart.
One friend told me "Their senior year in high school is the cure to empty nest syndrome." I think she was right.
Hang in there-it does get better.

D.
Kids are more disrespectful and at an earlier age these days. I believe it is because they are exposed to seeing other children cheek their parents in reality, on television, in movies, etc.
There is a God-given hierarchy in the family and we must not forget this in dealing with our children. Your son must be taught to respect you so do not just put up with disrespect and get hurt about it. Show him you refuse to become his "victim" and show him who is boss.
Once a child turns 11, they start adolescence and this willful stage moves on to the terrible teens! When you find your son at his most approachable and loving, sit him down and tell him that he is going to go through a time of turmoil from this time on into his teens and he will sometimes wonder why he feels so moody, etc. I did this with my son and so he was prepared for it. Pity I only learnt to do this with my fifth child!
All the best - it will pass but you are going to be riding out a storm with your child and it's certainly not easy when you are about to go through the menopause too.
Thinking of you
Jewel

D.,
Be patient!I have been there and this is the roughest patch. I wanted to send my son off to ANYWHERE! We sought out counseling - which was difficult for me both financially and emotionally! The main thing the Dr. said was to show my son more respect and give more responsibility. This is the time that the boundaries are pushed to the limits. Communication is KEY! Don't give up! But definitely bend a little and compromise ALOT! My son wanted to be treated like an adult, so instead of "telling" him to take out the trash, we would "ask" politely. In return, he would show us the same respect. I prayed ALOT and looked to God for the answers. Literaly, go to biblical truth!

Now my son will be a Senior this year. Man time flies! I hardly ever see him, but I know that he is a good Christian boy and I've done the best that I can to raise him right. We have an equal and open relationship of trust and respect.

My middle son is 11 going into Intermediate school! He is autistic and very loving. I truly hope he will be easier than the first - I will be wiser!

Good luck D. and God Bless!
C. Mentzel
Independent Stampin' Up! Demonstrator

(Just got back from a FREE cruise to Bermuda with my husband and now working on my next FREE cruise to the Southern Caribbean!) Ask me how and join me!

D., #1 Look at what he watches on tv. I had my 11 year old nephew for the summer last year. Your son sounds an exact match to my nephew. I was listening to the tv show he was watching while I was cooking dinner, it was a Disney channel show. I was shocked at the way the characters act towards and spoke to their parents.
I believe that the children follow the example of these tv characters. The tv writers are presenting 'cool' kids. Obviously real kids want to act like the popular characters. I think parents should write to tv producers of these programs and should not let their kids watch the shows where the tv characters disrespect their parents.
The #2 think is talk to your son and let him know that is not acceptable to you. I see so many parents ignore and allow the behavior, it is more common than you would think. Kids need limits, tell your son this crosses the limit and is not acceptable.
L.

Communication is always the number 1 thing to try. I wouldn't recommend at that particular moment to get in an in-depth conversation, but I would say we will address your tone of voice later. Please be ready to communicate with me about what is going on. Pick a time when you all aren't stressed...take some St. John's Wort to calm you down....it's homeopathic and great! Share your feelings and your expectations, but do give him a chance to talk. It will be the link for future discussions! :-)

Yes, you will survive it and so will your son. But I just read an amazing book and the techniques have worked with both my 4 yr old and my 13 yr old neice (whom we live with). It is called Have a new kid by Friday by Ken Lemey. Easy to read, funny, and simple to do! I have already reached menopause and the emotions do make it worse for you to take, but they don't change reality...if he is treating you that way, he is....periopause jusst makes you cry easier when he does it! Keep it up! You are not alone and you will survive!

Hi,

My daughter, now 13, was doing that last year quite a bit. I would ask her if she talked that way to her Dad (we're divorced) or to her teachers. She would look shocked and say "No". I then asked, "Well, why are you talking to me that way?" It ALWAYS made her stop and think and it eventually helped her to monitor her choice of words. I'm not saying that it's completely over with her, we still have alot of teen years left, but it sure helped. Maybe you can try that. Just use a calm, non-accusatory tone of voice with him. Good luck!

He does well in school and he's liked by his teacher are good signs that he does care about what you think. They go through this mouthy stage about 12, these days they first try it 10. I think fro what you said about how he does in school and with others I think he is just trying his wings. Good time to let him see new found wing spread, and to let him see he can do that without being mouthy to you. It sounds like you know what to put up with so don't worry. We probally all get a little to emotional with going thru premenstrual, but I think thats how I let my oldest kids know that I have feelings too lol.

My "terrible-two-year-old" who was also my "terrible 12-year-old" who was also my "terrible 20-year-old" just had those 3 insolent times. Between those years and now, at 27, he's a sweet, caring, and thoughtful guy. It's hormones, it's (as you said) testing his independence, it's trying to find his place in the world; plus if he's a typical pre-teen, he's mainly trying to figure out if he even likes himself right now. I highly recommend that you read James Dobson's book "Love Must Be Tough," because you will have a very difficult time geting through menopause and his teenaged years without being the one in control. Perhaps you and your husband can set some new ground rules (and both enforce them--my husband had a much greater influence in those years on our son than I did), which may include your son's being grounded from his cell phone or the TV--or whatever is meaningful to him--every time he's disrespectful. They learn quickly about consequences. And if you talk in terms of how he feels when his friends disrespect him, perhaps he'll begin to see his behavior and responses to others as a choice he can make--or not. You might want to read one of the many books on boundaries, too; it's important that he set his own boundaries and you establish yours as a parent before he gets any older. If you are not able to do that now, it just gets almost impossible later. (I was a h.s. teacher for 28 years, and I knew plenty of kids who controlled their parents.) Also, prayer does wonders. God bless you in this effort! BonnieB.

Dear D.,

There is never an excuse for a child of any age to be dis-
respectful to their parents. I never allowed my kids to ever
treat me or anyone else with rudness. It sounds like he is
hanging around with kids whose parents believe that it's okay
for them to "express themselves". Parents these days better
wake up & smell the coffee! When we had our kids, I knew it
was our responsibility to make sure they understood how im-
portant it was to always be kind to everyone - especially the
underdog. Always treat people the way you want to be treated.
I would question him about the people he has been hanging
around with & let him know how unhappy you are with his atti-
tude. If it means no longer seeing these friends outside of
school, then so be it. Nip it in the bud now or you'll regret
it later. Take care.

C.

There is no different for your child and the children you work with, as for understanding. Your child is becoming independent but should also be respectful to others as well as you. What has happened is, he has more that likely heard one of his peers talk to their parent in disrespectful tones and is trying to see if it will work with/for him. Explain to him for others to respect him he has to respect others. Now is the time to demand that he respect you, for if not later will be too late.

Sounds like he's picking up some bad habits from someone. Might be from that friend whose house you dropped him off over. :(

Well, if in the past he was kind, loving and helpful, and now he's rude and disrespectful, guess what...? I'd be the same to him. I'd tell him exactly that. I'd say, "Lil 12 year old son of mine, in the past you've been kind, loving and helpful and I've shown you that same respect. Now you're rude and disrespectful. How would you feel if I was rude and disrespectful to you." Depending on his answer...give it to him. If he says he doesn't care, oh well...give it back to him. Tell him to earn respect you have to give respect. Although the bible says to treat people the way you wanna be treated, with kids..teenagers, it's a bit different. You have to show them. Tell him you can show him better than you can tell him and just treat him like he treats you. He'll feel it and that's when you ask him, "you don't like it much, huh? You don't like being mistreated or disrespected by your mother." Tell him, "how you're feeling when I disrespect you is the way I feel when you disrespect me." You'll bring him back down to earth. Sounds like he's just trying to imitate someone to see how far he can go.

Ask him why he's doing it? Who (friends) has he seen disrespect their parents and if he's trying to imitate them, it ain't gonna do him a bit of good. Tell him he's going against the grain and you ain't none of (whoever) parent(s).

Stop taking him to his friends house. Tell him that if he wants you to do things for him, he's gonna have to do some things for you and it starts with respect.

I am a single mother of three (ages 5, 13 and 14). They don't disrespect me because they know I'll put it on 'em and I'll get down and dirty. Oh baby, I'll embarass them, and they know it. It only took about one or two times and they got the message. My kids know I don't play. I've told them that I'm their mother AND father and they're gonna respect me, and do what I say. I tell them that I'll give them anything in the world that's within my means, but if they can't show me respect they can take their a _ _ es somewhere else. They always say I'm mean, but I'm not gonna let them run over me. I'm not gonna let them use me as their da _ _ door mat. I tell them that the things I've given them and have done for them...I didn't have growing up. I want them to have more that what I had, but I also want them to be appreciative and respectful. I've been told so often that I have very well behaved kids, and I know it but I've also noticed that my 15 and sometimes my 13 year olds get a little beside themself. But I bring their a _ _ es on back down to reality.

You're just gonna have to sit down with him and talk to him.

It is not acceptable for your son to be rude and disrespectful to you! You are his mother. First, does your son go to church? If not, he needs to go. He will make friends who tend to be more respectful, kind and loving. Don't accept your son's disrespect for you as a phase or attribute it to his age. Read the book Boundaries for Children. It you allow him to run over you now, it will only get worse as he gets older. Good Luck and God Bless!

I'm with you, sister. My 11 year old has spun out of control over the last few month. He, too, will be entering middle school next year and maybe they can do something with him! JK I am just not looking forward to the next few years, I remember raising my girls through the teen years and it was alot of work. My son has responded well to my remaining calm and trying to remember to live in love and not in fear. Sometimes when I look at him with that confused look on my face and ask "I need to know what I did to deserve that?" (referring to ugly words).

D.,
You've come to the right place - I have written here with a couple of things and have also looked at the advice given to others and it is sooo soothing.
First of all ~ I hear your pain! I am a 44, (soon to be 45) year old mother of three. 23, 20 (both boys) and a 10 year old girl. My boys love me, but I have been the brunt of their disrespect on occassion. I just had to remind myself not to take it personally and also to let them hear back what they said to me. That actually worked. I don't believe in raising my kids with guilt in order to make them behave, but rather to repeat back to them what they said and how they said it. This also works with disrespectful action ~ like if they rudely bardge passed you and don't say excuse me, or interrupt, or drop something and not pick it up. Go to his room and do the same!
My daughter is just getting to this age and I am crindging at having to go through this again ~ especially since her dad decided to up and leave a loving marriage for another woman and now I am on my own with this. I think the anger I feel about that situation has given me the strength to really stand up tall infront of my daughter and just NOT allow it. My boys ran all over me! My oldest is very respectful of me now and my 20 years old has momentary lapses and then apologizes quickly if he does. It does get better - keep heart, your son loves you, he just needs to express himself.
Children are all born wild ~ we just have to tame them!
Best of luck, my prayers are with you.
D.