Seeking Help with Lose of Sex Drive

hi M..
as those who wrote before me, im the same boat. i always thought that i had a healthy appetite for sx, but since the birth of my daughter, its the very last thing on my mind. i work full time away from home, i come home, do housework, make dinner, etc...while he is sitting downstairs in front of the tv playing his video games.
and it always seems that when i have the early shift, that is when he wants to get frisky. right now, sleep is more important than sx.
i made the comment to the effect of like maybe if i had a game controller growing out of my butt, he would pay more attention to me. (and us)
it makes me feel a bit better to know that im not the only woman going thru this.
thanks for letting me share

Hey M. I was gonna read all the other entries but I really don't have the time but I do have some food for thought! I went through this as well and for me it started because of the meds I was on it absolutly took my desire away and untill I got off of it it stayed gone. I thought I would throw that out in case you may be taking any anti-anxiety drugs or drugs related to mental illness! Aside from that my advice to you is first you need some vital "YOU" time and I know how difficult that can be but it is important that the mother of your kids takes care of herself next if ya don't use it you will loose it so the longer you go without it the more you ain't gonna want it! I don't know your husband but I know men and not to frighten you by any means but only to widen your perception on mans needs, Men need it"." If a man goes to Home Depot and they don't have what he needs where does he go?.........he goes to Lowes! So my point is don't make him go to Lowes! More times then not women need their engines to get heated up and by the end of an exausting day riddled with the same mundane experiences your engine is so damn cold getting it started let alone heated is more then hard it is unwanted and sleep is the hunger you have! If you want change in your sex life it is the same as with anything else you have to put effort into it! I don't mean to be vulgar at all but what turns you on? YOu should think about trying new stuff to find out what it is that makes you hot and in the process "He'll" be happy to experiment with you and that way your exercising your sexual appitate and building your labido! If your husbands drinking is a hinderance TELL him, tell him your willing to work on your sex life but that means he has to put the work into, I just read something just a few days ago it said "lubercation is to a woman as an errection is to a man" So if he's wanting it SOOOO bad then he needs to know foreplay starts with him and his attutde towards you and how hard your working and that it is his job to make appearences from the garage to intice you to become more willing and receptive. A kiss on the neck while your cooking dinner or his participation on getting the kids in the bed on time so your not so tired and so that you feel the connection with him due to his particapation! Just remember it is just like working out if you don't go to the gym for a few weeks it is hard to get in that frame of mind cause you've thrown yourself out of the loop! It takes a joint effort and don't be intimidated about trying new things, thats your mate for life and the fun of being with that special someone for the rest of your life is in the experimentation process ( NOw I am NOT telling you to do something morally wrong or something that will add drama into your life) there are adult stores and if your shy theres always on-line! Good luck Truly-H.

M.,

I am in the same boat. Well Sort of - My kids are much older. I think it's becasue I don't get to spend any quality time with my husband, and when we are together, he wants to automatically have sex.

Yeah - like that's what we're here for right? My hubby drinks too - excesively. I don't know if yours does, but I think that's aturn off for me too. It's not the "real" him.

Sorry I couldn't help, but I hope it's a small comfort to know there are others of us...

-D.

What helps me is, shall I say, "Being transformed by the renewing of your mind". The greatest sex organ there is is the mind, I've heard sex therapists say. We women tend to bring any relational issues (housework, me time) into the bedroom in the form of resentments. I make myself think of my husband's hands. He lovingly takes care of the children, is a fix-it man, and works hard to provide for us, doesn't seek outside affection, do drugs, etc. We have a business and I do the office stuff. If I go places in my mind that I shouldn't, I absolutely could go without sx with anyone for the rest of my life. I don't, however, want to lose the bonding that takes place when I am with my husband. My husband absolutely will not "get it" on things like how he should show me love--and for us women it is rarely in the physical department, but many men do feel loved by the physical. I just have to make sure I express my needs to him in a non-accusatory way and when I am getting what I need from him I am in a better place to give what he needs, too, because I FEEL loved. When I do feel like being with him, I make sure to stay in that mode in my mind, even if I am getting the kids ready for bed, etc. Trying not to focus on, "Gosh, I just want to sleep or I have so much to do, or "well he won't or he does, etc.". Use creativity, too. It is such a safe place in marriage to go wild at times! Hope that helps some.

Hi M.,

I was watching one of the talk shows last week and they had a "relationship/sex" doctor on there. Her advice to men and women who have lost their sex drive is simply "do it". Even when you aren't really in the mood, start slow and usually the hormones will kick in and drive you the rest of the way. It's like with anything else in our lives, the more you do it, the more you want to do it. She also encouraged using toys, movies and different techniques to make it more exciting. Communication is key! Explain to your husband what YOU constitute as fore-play and then let him go from there.

Most of the time the loss of sex drive has very little to do with NOT wanting the partner/spouse, but more about feeling tired and unattractive for one reason or another. Big thing to try is having a date night with your husband. Remember something you use to do that was exciting and do it. Act like two teenagers and see how quickly those hormones rage. And if it lies with the feeling unattractive, go out and get your hair styled and dress nice, including make-up and the works, for no reason at all. When you like the way you look you'll radiate a sensuality that may spark the fires too.

Good luck,
T.

M.
Hi! I have felt on and off the same way also. I am 37 and have 3 children..4 y/o,2y/o and 3 mo. Ultimately I have to agree with Tina. The more you do it the more you want to, the less, the less you want to. You can totally not be in the mood and totallly be in the mood before it's done so try it. Talk to him and tell him to give you a little more petting and kindness. Also, get out of the house...go on a date night sometimes that helps, when you don't have to be the responsible one! Lastly you can try the herb Damiana. It is fantastic for low sex drive in women. I have taken it and had to cut it back!!! If you are still having dif talk to your GYN make sure are your labs are good. Good Luck!
M.

Nothing perks up my sex drive like when my husband helps out around the house - vacuums, puts the baby to bed, or cleans the kitchen. If your husband spends his time in the garage when he is home, then you two are obviously not connecting or getting any quality time together. You may want to consider getting couples therapy.

Hi M.,
My husband is 14 yrs older than i and we have been together for 4 yrs. I am 5 months preg. so naturally my sex drive is low, but i have found that if YOU instigate it it will be sexier for YOU. Your husband craves as much attention as your son gets and is rightfully so, but please dont blame him for wanting you. Go with the flow and be open-minded. You might just surprise yourself in how sexual you can get without craving it to begin with. Hope it goes well.And I might mention that I too have a 2 yr old & a 1 yr old.
T.

M., Please don't feel like you are the only who feels like this. I am a 35yr old wahm and I homeschool 2 kids and SX is the last thing on my mind. My husband also drinks (not as much as he used to) I had to stress how much it turns me off for him to cut down. If you do find a solution please let me know.

Hi M.! Ok sounds like you and I are totally on the same boat. Im also 28 w/a 2.5 yr old daughter. I have no interest in Sx right now and haven't for a while. I work full time and take care of my daughter fully. My husband will help out if I ask him too but I usually just do it for the sake of arguing about it. With working, keeping up w/her and doing housework im exhausted when it comes time for bed and sx is the last thing I want to think about. He wants it all the time and it seems like were arguing about it everynight. That is the only problem we seem to have but it's a big one. I have no idea how to fix it. I wish I had some advise for you but I need some myself.

Just wanted to let you know that your not alone at all.

Hi M., I understand your problem and unfortunately don't have a solution but I thought maybe it would help to know that your not alone. I am also a SAHM and have a 2 1/2 yr old son whom I adore. Anyway, I also have little desire for sex these days. Part of my problem is being overweight but I think the biggest part is just being tired and wanting a different kind of intimacy from my husband. It helps to have a husband who understands and is supportive and gives me what I need on an emotional level then I can give him what he needs on a physical level. Anyway, I hope that helps at all! If you ever need anyone to talk with or someone who understands, my son and I are also looking for friends!

M.

don't feel alone in this. my friend is only 24, and feels the same way. she's tired, sick, or just doesn't feel like it. she's been like this since she had her 2nd baby, 18 months ago. maybe you're not really happy in the relationship, or you need more alone time with each other. try to go out like once a month, dinner, movies, whatever. explain to him that him spending so much time in the garage, drinking doesn't help. they do say woman don't reach their sex drive until their thirties. i am 38, almost 39. when i was in my 20"s i kinda fealt the same way. i was tired, and didn't want to be bothered. now i want it more than my husband, can you believe that. i can't. anyways, i hope things turn around for you. let me know how it goes. ____@____.com