Missing Sex Drive!!!

Sex? After children? There is such a thing?

Hi S.,

This is very similar to my situation. I have an 11month old baby girl, and the combination of baby weight and exhaustion has made our sex life not-so-hot. First, I just want you to take a moment and realize that there is nothing wrong with you, that this is ridiculously common and normal in the first year after a baby. Take some of that pressure off yourself!

In my struggles with this issue with my husband, I have come to realize something- if I am tired/stressed, sex is the last thing I want, even if it's just what I need. It sure sounds like you do a lot around that house. I am the breadwinner in my family and I do the housework as well, so I can certainly relate.

If your husband wants you to be more into him, let him know that you need more time to yourself to relax and de-stress, and perhaps could he make dinner/do dishes/laundry etc tonight? That way you can just breathe and read a book, watch a romantic movie, or simply think your own thoughts for an evening. I bet if you're not as exhausted from working so hard, you might find that spark inside of you. Plus, you might be inspired to "return the favor" to your husband in some way..

Hi S.!

I went through this after both my babies. It was amazing to me how I had absolutely "no drive" at all. I prayed for it to come back, at least one day every so often.

I'm sure that you've already explained your feelings to your husband. But if you haven't, he needs to know. I'm sure he'll be understanding, but him NOT knowing is worse.

You seem to be working an awful lot, is that the way it was before your son? Or, is that the way you've made your schedule post-baby?

Once I started loosing weight after my first baby, I started feeling better and regained most of my sex drive. We were just too busy to put it to use :o) After my second boy, I never lost all the weight....yet!~ Anyway, my drive comes in waves. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't feel like it.

I'll be honest, sometimes I tried to have a "special" night for my husband, whether I was "emotionally" invovled or not. I did't want him to feel the need to "stray", so I forced myself to have sex with him. If he ever knew he would be mad at me, so I wouldn't recommend telling your husband should you ever "force yourself". I remember that I had so much guilt for not wanting to be with him, and so many insecurities that he would leave if I didn't do something. I look back, and still know that neither did I need to carry guilt, nor insecurities. My husband is wonderful, I knew that then, and I know that now. But, thinkgs are all mixed up after a baby comes.

S., you have to plan to just initiate it one night and try your best to kiss him....he'll do the rest. Try to make the atmosphere feel pretty with a couple of candles.

This is what I did, and how I did tried to get myself going for my husband.... First, my husband already knew what a difficult time I was having. Second, I told him one morning, that I loved him and I wanted to plan to be together that night, so I asked him to please let me initiate things when I'm ready. He got SO excited :o) He knew I was trying my best (which is what they need to see). When the baby was down, I had 2 candles on and jumped in bed naked. No music...no fancy outfit...no nothing! The easier the better! I called in my husband, he layed on the bed, I forced a kiss on him and he took over. Soon, it was over and I felt so much better that I was able to bring my self to satisfy my husband.

It's just getting "it going' that's hard to do. Once it's started, the rest is easy.

Keep trying by yourself first. There are hormones out there to buy for these types of situations, but your hormones are just recovering from a baby, so I wouldn't take anything yet.

Good Luck, S.. You'll be ok.

:o) N.

yeah, join the crowd.

You are normal!! :-)

I mentioned this in a similar posting before, but basically we as mothers besides having to do everything, and keep going and somewhere in there get some sleep (it's 3:45 am for me now) and have a myriad of hormone imbalances... we also turn ourselves into A-sexual beings when we have children.

We are constantly being touched and touching our children, but we turn off that part of our brain that says, "this feels good sexually"... so what do you expect? We can't just turn it back on out like a switch. Men don't have to deal with hormonal changes... they just have testosterone... which as we all know is the sex driving hormone. So of course for them it's normal to want to have sex after a long day at work.

I found the only thing that helps me is when I feel like it, even for a short while, I make an effort to attack my husband. LOL!!! He doesn't mind either. I don't care how involved a man is at a task or work, when a woman says... I want sex now... EVERYTHING stops! The more you do it, the more you'll want it too cause you are reprogramming your brain to send the correct hormones to your body. It might not be romantic, but trust me, do that a couple times and then you'll find your old self and create romantic moments.

Jump their bones girls!!! (I might get flagged for inappropriate content....LOL)

~B

P.S. If someone finds offense to this, please forgive me, I truly mean it in a jovial and uplifting (oh Geez) manner. :-) It's late... I need to go to sleep. Ha ha! Rock On Sexy Ladies!!!

Hi S.,

i don't have any advice but more of an observation of all the postings below. Im going through this too and i guess i just feel kind of irritated that we work full time in some form or other, manage all the duties of a house and family, care for the baby and worry about how to overcome the fatigue and drive issues in order to attend to our husband's sexual needs just because they are men and they have them. I have never had a feminist whim in my life until i had the baby and realized just how much women take on. Im hoping this is hormonal for me and will pass but i feel a growing agitation at my husband's constant need for me to take care of him too. I feel like I dont own my body anymore, that its there for my baby - breastfeeding which i love and for my husband and his sexual needs which i am starting to resent. So sorry i dont have any advice, i guess i feel your pain too and wanted to share whats been on my mind. Good luck with finding the balance. All mom's are heros!!

Hi S.,

You are totally normal!! I went through the same thing after my son was born. I do everything in my house, I work full time and am very busy with all the usual stuff being a Mom. My husband has a very physically demanding job and he is very tired everyday, but not for sex! He does help me with my son though, he picks him up everyday from Daycare and has him for about 3 1/2 hours a day by himself. Good quality time!

I had no SEX DRIVE WHAT-SO-EVER!!! I even spoke with my OB/GYN about it and she said that it is completed normal. We just needed time and a little initation. My advise is to go away for a couple days together, I know it will be hard to leave your baby. I fortunately have a wonderful Mother-in-law that helps me with my son tremedously! He stayed with Grandma and believe me I cried the first night, but having the alone and private time with my husband out of the norm, was great! We reconnected and things are so much better than before.

It is so difficult to get back to "normal" after your first baby, but it can be done. Just be patient, talk with your husband, sometimes easier said than done, but give it a try.
Best of Luck!
M.D.R.

S. & The rest of the girls who responded. Not only have I been there, but rest assured it won't stay that way. I have three children, and yes its normal after kids for the first few months, because you get exhausted and your mind is focused on so many more things, so when you go to bed all you want to do is sleep. However there is hope. .I've been teaching sex education for many years and I'm also a passion parties consultant.. my advice... spice it up. even if you aren't interested or in the mood try something new, or start with something small like a romantic dinner.. or get a sitter for the night and go to a hotel (splurge) and see if it gets things rolling again. remember foreplay is a huge part of sex and romance, and while the quickie can be nice, you need romance and enjoyment of your relationship and to be desired to get back into the swing of things. there's so much more i could write and tips i could help you with.. My sex life went from 1 a week (if that at times) to now 3-4 times a week .. so i'm happy to help if anybody has questions.
www.partywithsandra.com (to reach me directly and ask me any questions you'd like a private answer too.)
S.

Hi S.,

It sounds like you are overwhelmed with work and home duties. I suggest you get your husband to take on some housework and help you out more. Maybe he could do dinner 2x per week or laundry, bathrooms etc. I know that when I feel overworked, I am much more prone to just want to go to bed- and am not in the mood. Maybe if you have less stress, the desire will come back faster. Also, scheduling time just for the two of you helps. Don't think of it as having to have sex,- just reconnect and spend some quality intimate time together. You never know where it will lead... :) My last suggestion is get some "me" time--- go to the gym, get a pedicure, massage etc. and reconnect with yourself again. Its easy to lose yourself after having kids. Good luck to you and remember-- you will get the desire back it just may take some time- so take the pressure off yourself!

Molly

I wish you the best of luck... Im in the same boat... sometimes I have to "pretend" to get in the mood. I know once it starts it's always wonderful, but it's the getting in the mood that I struggle with.

I will be looking at your suggestions for advice for myself as well.

Good luck with the nooky!

I think you stated it right in your second paragraph. You are overwhelmed with other duties so after the baby is asleep you just want you time. You are trying to make everything perfect all day for everyone else and when said and done you don't feel like that playboy bunny.
Try to remember most men see us as their babe the ones they fell in love with even after kids. They are more phsical and we are more emotional. Tell him what you need, guys like to fix things. See you are beautiful and sexy just look in the mirror. Start so like it is the first time. Otherwise, it's like try try again like learning to ride a bike. Scary bugs you that you fail but once you learn it is like flying. Good lusk!

Right there with ya! My kids are now almost 3, and 5.5, and although it's better now than it has been in a long time, I have kind of decided that working 50+ hours a week, traveling all the time, dealing with my 2-year old's tantrums and my 5 year old's incessant whining about everything, as well as hearing my husband say how difficult his life is because his wife is no longer the sex kitten he married... doesn't put me in the most romantic frame of mind!!

But - men need sex. They just do. So even if you don't feel like it, pretend you do. I find that if I fake some enthusiasm for sex, sometimes I can even trick myself into feeling the real thing. Good luck!

OMG... we are on the same page, my husband brings this up always, and I have no sex drive at all!!! Love, G.. :0)
P.S. I was treated on 2006 for CANCER and have 2 ASD boys (2.5 and 4.5 years old)... so I am tired and overwhelmed!!!And my friend suggested Sutherlandia african red tea in for of pills at the Vitamin Shoppe: http://www.vitaminshoppe.com/search/en/query.jsp?q=suther...
So I ordered them, I hope this helps!!! I am still waiting for the order though... no comment on that for now!!! She claims it gave her her SEX DRIVE back!!!Although it is not claimed to do so.... it is for immune system... so it wouldn't hurt, I think!!!

Sex with men is a big deal. That is how they express their love to you, and if they can't then they get irritated. You sould have sex with your husband even if you don't feel like it. Just pretend you do, eventually it will feel good. It will make a huge difference in your husband. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is a great book and explains this well. Sex with your husband is your marital obligation. He needs the closeness with his wife. Men need that more than we do. I don't often feel like it either, but If my husband wants to, he is not denied. After a few minutes you get into it. Don't deny yourself the right to have wonderful orgasims, you're missing out.