Seeking Help with "Disneyland Dad" Situation

Updated on July 17, 2009
S.B. asks from Dana Point, CA
4 answers

I'm going to try to find a good counselor that specializes in kids. Any suggestions?? Here's the situation:

I am divorced (waiting for him to sign!) I moved around the corner so Dad could still be a good parent. However, Dad chooses to be absent. Only sees his daughter when he feels like it. The agreement is for every Friday night, overnight and Saturday till bed time. What happens is he shows when he feels like it and gives little or no notice when he is not coming.

When he DOES show, he, as agreed, plays with her (instead of the yelling and neglect he did when we were married). He is funny and a "friend." No discipline or rules; a typical "guy when it comes to healthy food or bike gear, but otherwise, does a great job playing and making up all kinds of fun games. He can keep this up for only a few hours and often returns her home early.

She yearns and longs for this attention from him. She is completely satisfied with what we do together; I have her all the time and we do all kinds of things and I have her in fun, educational activities also.

The problem is that when we invite him to an event (recital, open house, etc.) she will completely ditch me and run to her dad who she hasn't seen in 2 weeks or more since he did not show up to get her! When he ditches her, I tell her she needs to forgive him, and she completely does and is so happy to see him and starved for his attention, she runs right past me and is all over him.

I am usually left feeling humiliated and hurt. I don't react well because I think this is so absurd and rude. But I do understand what's happening.

Anybody have any suggestions? How do I teach her to respect what I have done for her without taking away from her freedom to express her relief and joy to finally see her dad at something?

Any suggestions will be helpful.

S.

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So What Happened?

Thank you for all your loving and thoughtful answers. I needed a different perspective and you gave it. My biggest reward and indication that I'm doing ok is that when anyone asks my daughter what she wants to be she always says, "A mom like MY mom." I have to keep reminding myself of that and you all helped me see the bigger picture.

More Answers

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M.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

My opinion...don't tell her it's rude or even think she's being rude. The fault here is your ex, not your daughter's. She's a little girl who rightfully so loves her Daddy and is excited to see him although she currently sees none of his faults. That's what five year olds should see...

She'll grow up and realize over time that you are the parent that she can depend on. She'll run to you when it really matters...for now, let it go as much as it hurts.

Good luck.
-M

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A.Y.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi S.
I have to say, IMHO, I don't think a young child would (or even has the ability to) understand what you are asking for her to do. Love her father but take your feelings into account to appreciate all you as her full time mother do for her.
What you really need to do is either 1: suck it up and put on a happy face for your daughters sake WHEN she is present and/or 2: Take it up with your ex, who, although clearly isn't acting like it is an adult and has the capibility of understanding how his behaivor makes you feel.

Often being a great mom goes unnoticed by our kids (or so it would seem), we may not always get all the thank yous or acclaids we may deserve from them BUT someday when your little one is old enough to be able to notice, she will see (and fully appreciate) that YOU were there for her 100% for her entire life and when you look at her, a fairly well adjusted child, you know it's all because of you. Let her have her happy moments with her father, take a back seat for those rare occasions, if only for your daughters sake in continuing the illusion she has a wonderful father at this time in her life.

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M.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

You are the one getting the ulimate compliment - it just doesn't feel like it. She is so secure with you that she "can" run to him during the short amounts of time she sees him. Yes, it's infuriating (get used to it - moms are always there giving every shred of themselves, but we get treated like this anyway) but it's just that she knows your love is constant, secure and stabilizing in the midst of the ups and downs of her dad. Don't even react - she loves her mommy because you are her every breath.
M.

S.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

I honestly dont see a huge problem here. she is five years old, you and her dad are divorced. this is hard for her to understand as it is.

i think it is WONDERFUL that you are trying to keep him in the picture, every girl needs a male role model in their life to give them attention or else they will go searching for it elsewhere.

but, as for trying to get your daughter to understand and appreciate what you go through as a mother, even in a normal family situation, that RARELY happens before they get to college!!

It sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job of parenting. keep your chin up and your smile on and just remember how much you love your sweet little girl and by the time shes grown up she will thank you greatly for every sacrifice you made for her.

good luck and if all else fails, say a prayer!

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