Seeking Advice on the Affect of Divorce on a Family

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WOW L....I feel for you. It must be tough for you to deal with this "new" mom.

I agree that coming home to left-up toilet seats and burned down candles is no way to find out your mom is seeing someone else. All I might suggest (and this is hard, I know) is that you consider she might have been very unhappy during the last few years of her marriage, and she is probably embarrassed for you to see her dating someone else so quickly. She was probably afraid of you taking sides after the divorce and, as a result of her actions, that looks to be happening.

She has every right to be seeing someone else, but you do not have to address him directly, nor should you have to share time with your mom. Truthfully, things will look a whole lot different five years from now, and this guy may not even be in the picture. And you're right: she seems to be bent on creating a new life because everything she's known for the last 26 years has ended. That's got to be hard.

I would let my mom know that I love and support her...she is, besides being your mom, another woman after all, and we have to support each other. Family even more so. She is probably very afraid; let her know everything is ok and you are there for her. But be firm about getting to know each other without the new guy being present; you have to both learn to operate in these new circumstances before welcoming more people into your family.

Sounds like a mid-life crisis, and yes women have them too. Distance between the two of you would be best for now, she will come around, when she's ready. The newness (if that's a word) hasn't worn off yet, but I assure it will. Good luck.

Wow, my heart goes out to you L..

I agree with the other mothers and let the two of you have your space. Let her come to you, and it may be longer than you think. I too agree she's feeling guilty for what she has done. I do believe she loves you and always will, but right now she's at a new place in her life, where her focus is on herself. I would feel just like you do, if not worse. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Remember, you set the boundaries for your life!

Hugs going out to you!!!

I've gone through divorces with my parents each getting divorced 3 times...it's been painfully hard and so I feel for you. Something that really and I mean REALLY helped me was this book called, "Generation Ex, Adult Children of Divorce". Great book! I would suggest reading it and maybe even seeing if your mom would read it too. If you are not one to read a book there is an audio series from a talk radio show with the author, those are really good as well. I believe you can find it on www.focusonthefamily.com

I am afraid it is probably very normal in a divorce situation but it really hurts and I am sure on both sides. I would guess your mother was not happy for a very long time and you were (at least with your father) so you might not have seen it. She is truly like a teenager, renewed love, etc. and doesn't want to lose that, but I am sure she doesn't want to lose you either.But you aren't eight, you are older and you do not want to be treated that way. I am not hearing where your actual father is in all of this. Dad sounds like a previous third party which may have been his own doing. At any rate since you are clearly entwined with mom more than Dad (am I correct?) if you were ever really able to talk to he before it can happen again. You can let her know how you feel in a letter. Or twelve. Throw them out until you get it right. I am a stepdaughter (mom remarried later in life) and personally I cannot stand her husband try as I might and I am fifty three! The man is a pompous jerk and my mother is still mad at my father who died in 2001 (hmm???) yup. Anyway, back to your mom. She got selfish because she wants to feel good. If she gets dumped that isn't going to be pretty. In the meantime I would fumble to keep lines of communication going and I am sorry you had to go through this. She may wake up or not. Or she may marry him and you do not have to like him, just accept who he is. But really I am wondering about your dad, is he depressed about this? You are living your life, but somehow stay connected with everyone. The only thing in life that is consistent is how inconsistent it really is.This could all end soon or could fill up a lot of years. If you need help get help, and live your laugh happily as you can. Good luck. I know how hard it is. Part of me wants to say shame on your mom. But who knows what factors motivated this.Only time will tell.

My parents are divorcing after 34 years. My mom use to be my best friend! we were so close. Now that she has served my dad papers and they are in the middle of it, she has changed so much!! Everything has become about her and money and she doesn't care who she steps on in the process to get it. She has pushed my brother and I away by her selfish actions. She refuses to come to birthday parties because "he" will be there. We have even tried to do two different parties just to make her happy... well that wasn't even good enough because he would still be involved. She wont even come and see the kids anymore because my dad comes and gets the kids every Sunday for 2 hours. Im not sure the logic behind that one!!

No you are not alone here! ( even if your not a mom ;) ) Im not sure why they change or how to fix it. I wish I did because right now Im SO close to cutting my mom out of our lives, I can't take her actions anymore. If it wasn't for taking my husband to work everyday ( and every other week asking for more money..grrr...) I would have by now. But unfortunately we have to bite our tongues and put on our happy face and be the adult in the situation! Good luck.

I think you should stay out of her business for a while. You need not be upset she is dating, and you were wrong to continually quiz her. She obviously went through turmoil in the divorce and probably the last many years of her marriage, there are issues there you are not privy to. She is trying to cope and navigate her situation, with the rift and dating just like everyone else is and is perhaps not handling it as gracefully as another. In any case, work on being loving, supportive and respectful of her distance and boundaries.

I am a child of divorce and after decades of hurt feelings, bad communication and guilt this is what I ave learned..

We all loved each other, we all wanted to be the best we could be and that meant they needed to get a divorce.

The divorce is between them and did not have anything to do with me.

There is my memory of our family, My moms memory and my dads, memory and my sisters memory, swirl them all together and inside is the truth.

The new freedom of not being so unhappy can turn a grown person into a teenager.

Of course she is also probably feeling guilty because she has moved on and the rest of you have not..

I suggest you go to therapy and work through this and at some point include your mother so the 2 of you can learn how to speak with each other, not at each other. I am sorry you are hurting so bad right now.

I know it feels lonely and hurts, but you need to go and get this help now so you can decide what it is you really need.

Divorce sucks for everyone involved. Time generally fixes it somewhat, but things are never the same. I've been through divorced parents and struggled in a 20 yr marriage because I didnt want my kids to have to deal with divorced parents but ultimately ended up divorcing their dad anyway. It was hard on all of us but you have to adjust and move on.
Your mom is experiencing a second childhood, a new beginning.
You will better understand it one day when you are faced with the possibility as well.
It's really too hard to explain. The emotions are different for everyone.
Sorry you are having to deal with it, but pull yourself up by the boot straps and let your mom have her life.

Divorce makes people act silly and stupid. I know that for a while my personality was totally different. My daughter will be 21 next month and she is truly my best friend!! Neither one of us cast any judgements on the other. We have been through two divorces together. I know when I divorced her father it was probably hard for her. We struggled together and raised her younger brother together. She probably wasn't a hundred percent pleased with every decision I have made and she is growing up a lot differently then I ever thought she would. The love is strong and we are able to look at our strong points and realize that we have so much more to benefit from then ever letting our small differences come between us. I would suggest that you sit back and think things through and maybe just let mom live her own life for a while. I understand that adult kids really have a hard time with divorce but just realize that your mom is doing what makes her happy and you are supporting your mom even though you may not agree with her. Best of luck to you!!