Seeking Advice on How to Not Sound like I'm Nagging

I think that this is a tough situation on everyone in the family, and everyone needs to take some time to calm down a little and adjust to the situation. I am sure no one is happy about the bed rest situation, but the babies are the most important thing and that needs to be remembered. You have a wonderfully supportive family, and I think that they need to hear that more. I know that I am a person that likes to have everything just right. It is hard for me to turn things over to other people, and I am sure it is harder when you are dealing with your son. I think that you should only offer suggestions when they ask you for help. And when they do ask for help, remember in your mind to pick your battles. Sometimes you should just say "Whatever you feel is best, I trust your judgment" if it is something that really is not that damaging. For instance, if you really care about what types of food they are eating, then answer that question if it is asked with your specific answer. But, if they ask a question about clothing options (pick your battles, not that important), they just say "Whatever you feel is best. I trust your judgment". This way you are not viewed as a "perfect person" and they are given some praise. In addition, make sure you tell them every day before they leave that you really appreciate everything they are doing for your family and that you love them. I am sure they are inconvenienced by this situation, and they just want to know that you understand this and appreciate all they are doing/sacrificing.

Another thing you can do if you think you can do it is to just tell them that you are sensing negative vibes and ask them if something is wrong. Or, you can have a "meeting" with everyone who is helping and your husband and go over some basic groundrules and answer anyone's questions or comments. Just get a good, honest brainstorming session going. You could just tell them that you have been on bedrest for xxx weeks, and you just want to touch bases with everyone to see hwo things are going. Then you can go over some of your important key areas that you would like followed- and try to keep the "rules" short. Plus, you can word some things like "Yeah, I am kind of a control freak on this, but everyone has their thing, and I would really appreciate it if...... And, when you do this, be sure to give tons of positive praise and feedback and express your gratitude. Good luck!

T.,
Congratulations on your little boy (my son was born Sept 06 - this is such a fun age!) and on your twins!

Let me first say that when you are on bedrest, nobody does anything right. I was on bed rest last year and it was awful to try and tell others what/how to do things. I like the other mom's suggestions of writing down some guidelines for your helpers to offer suggestions on what to eat.

I know that I was not as gracious as I should have (or could have) been when people were here. At first I was drowning in my own misery of being stuck at home and in bed. *I* wanted to be the one dealing with my child.

If it wasn't issues with my son, then it was the laundry or something else. Nobody does it like you. That's the bottom line. Nobody will ever do it like you. Try to remember how much you really do appreciate what they are doing.

Hang in there. February is almost here.
B.
B.

My suggestion is to make a schedule for your son and post it so everyone can see it. Also maybe put out his food the night before so they can choose from whats on the counter. Good Luck and try not to worry as long as he is eating I wouldnt stress too much!

My advice would be the write everything down. Make a schedule and include things like (make sure he eats one vegetable a day or one veggie at each meal). That way there are no misunderstandings it is all in black and white. After you have given the schedule to all your helpers sit back and do not say anything (as hard as that might be). Remember having healthy twins is your goal right now. The less stress you have the better.
I have 4 year old twin girls and was on bed rest for 6 weeks (not nearly as long as you and I did not have a little one to take care of). My husband and I had a difficult time and all he had to take care of was me!!! Good luck!! Please feel free to email me about any twins-related questions.

I've not had this situation, but here's an idea that popped into my head if you think it might work for you...
Could you just have a permanent list made up (maybe even laminated) and posted somewhere centrally located? You could have a list of things that need to get done around the house (chores, etc) either just that need to get done weekly or list them under specific days of the week (Mon, Tues, etc. "to-do" lists with laundry, dusting, etc.). You could do something similar with meal preparations. Again this could either be specific daily (like a school lunch menu) or more generalized (listing options to mix and match from). Then whoever is helping for the day can check off what they got done, and the next helper knows what is still left to be done. And then food-wise, the person would already be able to see that they checked off having fed "2 fruits", but "no veggies" for the day yet. And if the list generically said to use 3 fruits and 2 veggies per day (with a list of choices), they would know on their own that it was time for a veggie without having to be "told" by you.
I don't know if something like that may make it come across as less "demanding" from you directly???
Good Luck!!!

I was in a similar situation after foot surgery for 15 weeks of being off it. It's not that your nagging it's the change of routine for everyone. Helping out is cool for awhile then its a hassel for everyone. This sounds crude but I to lived it. Two things I can suggest is. Don't give the oppertunity to anyone to feed your son other things. Ask to have meals with your son where you can enjoy him, still supervise and SEE what he is eating. That will drop the hint with others. Second Your on bed rest but not paralized. Have family bring you things you can do to help out. This will also help you keep your sanity which is something you did not mention, lol... My man tells me now after the fact that one of the hardest things to do while I was laid up was deciding what to cook. I still will not eat hamburger helper. I'm burnt out on things like that but it was better than turning him loose in your kitchen. Try making a menu so everyone knows what to fix and even make a grocery list so shopping is easier. I even went as far as making a store map for my hubby. He loved that by the way. After all it is easier to follow a list than lisenting to someone tell you what and how to do things. Suggest it to the family and see what they say and sell the idea with the intent of you helping make things easier for all involved. This worked for me but my man and family are very passive and I'm well the bossy one so it worked great for us. Good Luck

Hi T.!
There is one peice of advice that is VERY important for you to use and it was mentioned by Richard. Witness and validate!!!!! Witness your helpers doing something (for example; playing with your son, laundry, cleaning, making lunch, etc.) then validate them. Tell them what a good job they are doing on the laundry or cleaning, how much fun your son is having with that person, how nice it is to have that person prepare the meal, etc. Witness and validation is a great tool for use with everyone in your life.

I can only imagine how hard it is to be on bedrest, I never was and I am also pretty particular about how I like things done. However, you are in no situation to be picky!! Try not to set any expectations for all of your helpers before they come over. Try to appreciate their effort and time. Maybe tell them (and your husband!) how difficult this situation is for you. Explain to them why this is hard for you but that you really appreciate everything that they are doing for you.

I liked the other ideas of guidelines for meals for your son. That may help give choices for your helpers when it comes to feeding your son. Also, I would not offer advice to your helpers unless they specifically ask for it, or are putting your son in danger. When you offer unsolicited advice it makes the person feel inadequate. Nobody wants to feel that way! Accentuate the positive, minimize the negative! I hope this helps you. Good luck!

I have a similar issue... and what I'm trying to do is simply STOP. Of course, if you're asked go ahead and bestow advice. But I find it easier to just remove myself and let my husband do what he does... whether it's chicken nuggets more than once a week and putting our son in the same pj's three nights in a row! or allowing him paci's... etc. I mean, as long as no one's being hurt... what the hell? right? I know for me at least, I want to manage the situation and have things a certain way. But I haven't always gotten things right and had to figure them out for myself. So if no one's asking and no one's being really damaged... maybe just allow the little mistakes or mishaps.

Honestly, I know when I'm nagging... and there's no "right" way to nag. Telling someone what to do is telling someone what to do. So I'd just relax, sure you'll nag sometimes, but try to let go.

The key to answering folks is always to FIRST validate their FEELINGS.

For example, when your FIL (which I think means Father In Law) says something like, "T., what do you think I should feed your son?"
Stop and ask yourself what he is feeling. What kind of feeling would motivate the average person to say what he did. Put yourself in his shoes.

You response would then probably be something like

"Gee. It sounds like you aren't sure what to feed him."

Then listen to his response.

What if he then says something like, "Oh no, I know exactly what to feed him."

Your response would be "Oh. Sounds like you're feeling pretty confident."

But my hunch is that FIL isn't all that confident.
Maybe it's hard for him to admit to you that he is unsure.

The bottom line is VALIDATE HIS FEELINGS before you move on to discussing content.

Good luck, and fee free to ask more questions.

R.

Hi,

I know this is probably a stressful time for you. Its not easy being a mom to a toddler and being pregnant at the same time... add to that the bed rest is not the easiest thing to deal with because you have to watch everyone else do stuff for your kid. Anyways, maybe you could try making a weekly schedule for things like feeding - Monday breakfast he gets such and such, then lunch he gets such and such milk at this time and snack options and then dinner menu. Do the same for all the days of the week and stick it on your fridge every Sunday night or whenever. That way on one has to ask you what to give your son - they should all follow that schedule and everyone knows what to do without discussing it - atleast for meals. An occasional change because something is not at home is acceptable and you can let that slide. And you'll know what to put on your grocery shopping list for your son for that week. Discuss this with all the caretakers for your son and maybe say I know we seem to have had our differences with this and I want to make things easier for all of us. How about we do this schedule thing that way we are all on the same page.

See if it works. The last thing you need is more stress.

Good luck.
Aarti.

If you have the money available, I would put him back in daycare. It would help him stay on routine and would cut out all of this problem. (Even though I choose to stay at home with my kids because it's an option, I would still choose daycare in your situation - since that is where you were before.)

If that isn't an option, then relax. According to the food pyramid guidelines, fruits and vegetables are all in the same group. Is it really going to matter which he has? Really, you should be lucky he'll eat both. There will be a time soon when he won't. Also, I have read some health books that indicate that our body can't digest both fruits and vegetables at the same time. So I would think that having all fruit one day and maybe all vegetables the next cannot be harmful but maybe even helpful.

Finally, I would try to remember that your husband would never do anything to intentionally harm your child you've had together so whenever possible in this stressful time - give him the benefit of the doubt - it's amazing what husbands can do when we let them!

Best of luck to you. K.

You are kind of between a rock and a hard place. You need to rely on these people's help. Don't take things like that to heart. As hard as it may be, smile and thank them for the help and info.You are definitely going to need help soon, so thank God for the children and let it go. Sometimes, especially when you're 8 months pregnant you feel like the world is out to get you. Keep the faith and prove that you are strong enough to not let it get you down. Stay UP even when it feels like you could explode. You'll be glad later.

Your family sounds wonderfully supportive, and it's great that you're trying to think of ways to be considerate and appreciative! It has to be tough for you to be right there but unable to take action and help.

It sounds to me like when your FIL says, "what do you think I should feed him?" he doesn't want to hear an idea for what to feed him. He wants to hear something like, "I'm sure you are taking great care of him." Can't completely blame him for that, since he's both the grandpa and the person doing the work.

On the other hand, 14 months is pretty young to have an anything-goes diet. Can you write out some guidelines or even a daily meal plan and put it in the kitchen? Tell your helpers that you're just trying to help out with suggestions, but don't be demanding about it. As long as they are caring for him within reason, it doesn't have to be perfect (fruit instead of vegetables definitely doesn't seem unreasonable to me - candy, now that would be a problem.) When they come to you to ask for advice, I would bend over backwards to give the message that you appreciate them and trust their instincts to make good choices. After all, if you weren't right there (like if your son went to grandpa's house) you'd have to trust them anyway.