Great Grandma Just Passed, How Do I Tell 5 and 3 Year Old?

There is a book you can order called Waterbugs and Dragonflies that is available from The Centering Corporation. It is written in simple terms so young children can understand death. I believe it is only about $3.00-$4.00. It gives the same aspect of butterflies - from the caterpillar to the cookoon to the butterfly. So sorry for your loss.

My husband just died 7 weeks ago and I had to tell my 8, 7, and 5 yr. old. You didn't say whether you were religious or not. So don't know if this will help. I told them that Jesus allowed him to go to heaven because he was in so much pain. Jesus didn't want him to suffer anymore so took him from this earth and now is living in eternity. Also we filled helium balloons and hand made cards to daddy. We watched them go to heaven so he could read the cards to know how much we missed him.

First, my condolences on your loss. It is really hard to tell children about death. Your three year old won't understand and that's okay. Your five year old will understand to an extent, but I believe it is actually scientifically proven that people do not fully understand death and what it really means until they are much older (perhaps in their 20's.) that portion of the brain is not fully developed until later. That having been said, what they will understand is that they don't see her anymore. What we've done is to tell the children that whomever has gone to heaven and that they are very happy there and that they are now with us all the time in our hearts. Explain to your children that they can feel and talk to grandma in their heart all the time now and that everywhere they to grandma is with them. Like I said, they won't truly understand what her dying means, only that they won't see her anymore. I would also get a good picture of them with their grandma and frame it for their room. That way they can see grandma any time they want. Good luck, and again, my prayers are with you and your family during this sad time.

Maria Shriver wrote a childrens book titled "What's Heaven?" it's a great way to explain death to children. Here is a little excerpt from the book.

*Kate asked, "Mommy, why are you so sad?" Her mom looked at her and said, "My grandma, your great-grandma, has died and gone to Heaven." Kate thought about this for a moment. "Then she asked, "Heaven? What's Heaven?"*

It is so nice to see you are so thoughtful about sharing this information with your children. My mom died when I was 18. I was the oldest of 7 kids and the youngest was 6. Children are strong, resilient, sensitive, and smart. Be honest about your beliefs and keep it simple. They will digest it in a way they need to. I wouldn't wait too long. If they are intuitive like you say they are, they probably sense something is wrong. Best of Luck and peace in your grieving.

Dear Heidi,

This is your great grandmother, who told you about her passing? How did they deliver the message? How have you and your husband dealt with the death of a family member or friend one in the passed?

Are you religious or do you believe death is it?

Death is just as natural as birth. Because they are so young, it will be easier to minimize the pain by just keeping your explanation simple.

Great Grandma was very old and her body was getting weak and sick. Yesterday (this is the part that helps if you are a believer), God asked her to come to heaven and be with him. When you are in heaven there is no more sickness or pain.

If you are a non-believer:

Great Grandma was very old and her body was sick and weak, Yesterday she died. We won’t see Great Grandma any more, but:

We will always love and remember her. What will you remember most about Great Grandma?

Let them draw a picture or talk about it as much as they need to. Keep it simple.

I would avoid telling a child that someone died in their sleep, because they might fear going to sleep.

My condolences to you and your family.

Hi, I recently lost my Papa (in June). My kids are 5 and 2. Although they weren't fortunate to see him once a month they do know him. I don't consider myself religious, however, I find comfort in telling my babies that their great Papa now lives in heaven with God. My 5 year old was very sad when he found out he would no longer see his great Papa whom he was named after. My sister in law is atheist. She believes that when a person dies there is nothing. She explains it to her little ones as having a memory of that person always in their heart.
I guess what I am trying to say is that whatever your beliefs are you will find the right words to explain it to your kids. They are young and don't fully understand. I think the most important thing is keeping their Great Grandma's memory alive.
I am sad that my children will not know their Great Papa. Unfortunately this is one of the hardest aspects of life. But, as parents we can be there to console our children and answer any questions they have to the best of their ability.
Your children will be okay.
My thoughts go out to you and your family!

Heidi & Anthony ~
This is what I told my nephews about 23 years ago.(My Niece died @ 18 days). I told my nephews that God needed some "help" to write his Bibles and he had asked if she could help Him . So 'she' had a little 'desk' right next to "His" and she was helping "Him".

My Grandma died when my boys were 3.5 and we had lived with her their whole lives. We explained that GG's body was VERY old (96), it wasn't working anymore and the drs couldn't fix it, and her body died and she is now an angel in Heaven. We also told them that once you become an angel, you don't come back.

For a long time, they just didn't understand and kept asking when GG was coming back or when we could go see her. It just takes a lot of patience and repitition. They are 5.5 now and still cry when they talk about her and they always say "I wish GG didn't die." So it's kind of tough, but we look at pictures and talk about how much fun they had with her and try to keep the fun memories out there as much as possible.

Good luck with your kiddos. . .it's not easy to help them through a loss like that.

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, it is never easy. When I was 7 I lost my grandmother on my fathers side. I was at my other grandmothers house when my parents made the mistake of calling and telling us over the phone. This was very unexpected and was hard to deal with as she should not have died. Long story short it was a simple surgery gone horribly wrong and the doctor literally walked away from the operation after accidentally cutting her main artery. My Grandmother got all of my siblings and me and told us that some times bad things happen to good people and that we can't explain it. She went on to tell us that it was not God's fault and that we should ask him to help us feel better. My grandmother was a wonderful lady and I don't know if it was the words she spoke or the love she showed, but I did feel better after talking to her. About sixteen years ago, my children were just your kids ages 5 and 3 When my wonderful grandmother passed away. She had been sick for a long time. People say, well at least you have had time to come to terms with this. Let me tell you, no amount of time allows you to come to terms with it. We saw my grandma on a very regular basis and my children were very close to her. They were very aware that grandma was sick a lot and we had even been to the hospital to visit her on multiple occasions. When she passed away, it was very difficult, and trying to form the words to tell my children was the hardest thing I think I have ever done so far in my life. It felt like I was choking and I could not get the words to form in my mouth. I finally knelt down and prayed, asking my heavenly father to help me tell my children so that they could understand. What I ended up telling my children was that Grandma had gone to live with our Heavenly Father. I explained that she would no longer be sick or feel any more pain and that some day when we go to live with him we will get to see her again. They cried of course and they asked questions about heaven, but they seemed to take it in stride. I will tell you that in time it gets easier, but it has been sixteen years and I still miss her so much and I cry some times still, in fact I am crying now as I type this to you. My children however have very fond memories and they still like to talk about her and the little things they remember, for them the pain seems to have minimized, I don't see them cry about it at all. Children are stronger than we give them credit for, and they will probably handle it just fine. My mother is now suffering the same things my grandmother did, and I am trying to come to terms with it before it comes her time. I discuss with my children who are much older now, what is to come in time, and they are aware of the situation. No matter what you do to prepare though it always hurts and you have to go through it eventually. Just give them lots of love and comfort and they will get through this. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family in your time of need. May God bless your family with comfort and healing.

D.

When I was 4, my bestfriend (a very elderly man who lived next door to grandma and grandpa) passed away. My mom sat me on the couch and told me and we cried together. Then I got up and played. I knew what happened and believed he was in heaven and I would see him again when I was old and went to heaven. Then I went and played. It was okay. I think your kids will be fine. Don't be afraid to let them see you sad. It's just part of life and you go on with happy memories. Your kids will likely take it like I did at that age. (I hope that doesn't sound unsympathetic. It's just my memory of it as a 4 year old.)

You just need to be honest with them. If she was sick or not just tell them she went to live in heaven with Jesus and wont be sick anymore but that they won't get to see her anymore but she can see them from heaven. My daughter at 3 would let balloons go up to heaven to grandpa. Explain that heaven is a magical happy place even better than Disneyland. I am sorry for your loss. I too hasve lost all grandparents as well as my parents. Memories are great to have so focus on them.

Be honest with them, honest about your beliefs. If you believe Grandma has gone to heaven, then tell them that. Explain to them that he body was very old and could not do the work it needed to do. Remind them of the happy experiences they had with her. Invite them to talk about it. Yes, they will miss her. You will too. Acknowledge that and how it is okay to miss her and feel sad. Let them feel the sadness and know that it is okay to feel sad sometimes, especially at times like this. But also let them know Grandma would want them to not be sad for a long time and not let this stop them from living wonderful lives, playing outside, smiling, laughing, etc. She would want them to be happy. Don't you think? Tell them this.

They will be fine as long as you are honest, accepting, and supportive.

Stephanie

Hello Heidi,

Unfortunately there is no way to protect your children from this pain. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. The only thing you can be pretty sure of is that you must be honest with them, and then keep your gradmother in their memories with photos, stories, etc. This is only the first time they will lose someone . . . your charge is to help them understand the permanency of it in a way that doesn 't frighten them. They may not be sad, don't worry if that happens. Children reach in various ways to this sort of news. If they see you are sad they'll understand that sometimes Mommy cries.

Good luck!

Hi Heidi,

I am so sorry about your grandmother. That must be really hard for you.

When my husband's grandmother passed 3 years ago, my children were 5, 2, and 1. They, too, saw her about once a month and frequently talked about her.

We opted to just tell them the truth. Also, we took the time to tell them what we believed about what happens after death and we even took them to the viewing so they could say goodbye. This did not wierd them out! I told them ahead of time that we were going to see her body but that Great-Grandma was not their. Her spirit, what made her who she was to us, was gone to heaven. The children each got to go up and ask questions and we answered them truthfully to what we believed and they did very well. We also talked about what we could do so that we could remember her. They can remember her really blue eyes and the way she made the ducky noises and ow she always wore blue and how happy she was whenever we were together.

Now, we still talk about her and remember all the happy things. They are still sad that she is not with us but they do not dwell on it.

That is what we chose to do. You need to do what you think is best for your children, but remember that they can handle a lot more than we often think. And if you do not make it something scary, they will be able to handle it better later as well.

Again, I am so sorry about your grandmother.

D.

I am sorry for your loss. I don't know your religious preference but there is a great little book that I used with my kids when my grandmother passed away. It is called Dragonflies and Waterbugs(or the opposite-I don't remember) But, it talks about how the waterbugs grow into dragonflies. Even though the dragonflies can see thier waterbug friends, they can no longer visit with them. It puts the perspective of heaven in terms that they can understand at a young age.
My children were about the same ages when their beloved Great grandmother went to heaven. It gave them comfort to talk about the great times we had with her. We cried, laughed but, most of all remembered. My kids are now 8 & 11 and they still recall ,lovingly, the stories of Grandma because we kept them alive.
God Bless,
M.

First of all I am so sorry about your loss. The same happened to me last year and it was really hard. I received some advice from a friend of mine, she is a marriage and family therapist. She told me the most important thing is to be honest with them. She said to not tell them that she went to sleep, because they may then be scared to sleep. Depending on what you believe in, I told my daughter that my grandpa died and went to heaven. I told her that she won't see him anymore and he can't breathe or eat or do anything anymore. It might be best to try to teach them the words "passed away" rather than died. My daughter since then has used the word "died" a lot, especially around my grandmother who is still grieving over my grandpa. I did pick up some books also, which did help. But I think the most important thing is to be honest with them, even though it is hard for you. My daughter is still struggling with the whole concept of death. It may be hard for them to understand and they may say things that may seem harsh or unkind, but they are trying to understand. It may also help to plant a flower or make a card and talk about all the good things they remember about her. Also, don't hide your feelings from them, if you need to cry do so. Tell them how you are feeling.
Hope that helps.

I was just in this situation this past February. In fact, both of my grandmothers passed away within 10 days of each other so I had to do this twice. When the first one passed it was unexpected and it was the great grandmother my kids were closest to. My kids were a little older - 7 and 4 at the time. We told both kids the same thing, but both processed it differently, probably due to age. My daughter was old enough to know about heaven and dying so when we told them that great grandma went to heaven she wanted to know why and what happened. We told them that it was her time to go be with God. The literal part was tough because my daughter really wanted to know "was she sick" "did she get in a car accident", etc. We tried to explain that when you get older your heart is tired and gets worn out and hers decided to stop. The hardest part was trying not to scare her and telling her the truth. She kept saying, great grandma wasn't old. In truth she was 90 :).

My kids knew my other grandmother was sick, but we had not told them she was terminal (pancreatic cancer). When my first grandmother died, my daughter picked up right away and started asking if my other grandma was going to die too because she was sick. We told her yes, but we didn't know when because the doctor at the time had given her 6 months. No one knew that she would for the worst so quickly and be gone 10 days later.

The one thing I can say is to tell your kids the truth. Nothing comes from hiding that great grandma is gone. Especially if your kids are anything like my daughter. She is very observant and has always picked up on things quickly, so hiding anything from her was just going to make us look like we were lying. And then I'd have a kid pointing out that lying is wrong.

We took our kids to the "funerals" which were masses in a Catholic Church, closed casket. We didn't take them to anything else because both caskets were open and we felt they were too young to handle seeing that. They are however used to masses and church so that wasn't unusual for them. They did acocmpany us to the cemetary and we explained to them what a cemetary was and why we were going there. We also told them that the masses and the cemetary were a way to say goodbye to great grandma. We were very sure to tell them that they would always have their happy memories of great grandma, and that just because we were saying goodbye to her body, we weren't saying goodbye to the good times we remember. I encouraged my daughter to write down some of her memories in her diary and she did. I think that helped.

I don't know how your parents feel, but my mom found my kids to be a comfort when her mom died (the first one), so if you can find a happy medium, then I'd bring them with you to at least one of the events, even if it's just the wake afterwards.

There is no way around them being hurt and crying. Your oldest will likely understand better than your younger. My son (the younger of the two) to this day will ask occasionally if great grandma "still died" because he doesn't full understand the permanence of the situation. My daughter went through a period where she was afraid that me, her dad and other grandparents would leave her (it was about a 6 weeek period). The school counselor actually helped her with this. Keep an eye out for this behavior - suddenly clingy, crying more often, wanted to know where you are at all times, getting jumpy if daddy isn't home at the regular time because he's working late, etc. You also might find that your kids want reassurance that their other great grandparents are still alive (if they are). My daughter kept asking us to take her to see her last remaining great grandmother after both funerals and seeing her alive and doing OK, seemed to help as well.

Another thing that helped is that my mom went out of her way to find something for both kids to keep of my grandmother. She gave them both stuffed animals because grandma had a bunch at her house that she considered special. She also gave my daughter a picture that grandma had out of the two of them and one of my grandma's knick knacks in the form of an angel. We told my daughter that she could look at the knick knack and know great grandma was watching over her as a guardian angel. That seemed to comfort both kids. Unfortunately I'm still waiting to see if my aunts will give my kids anything from my other grandmother since all the contents of her home were left to them. I've asked them and they've said yes, but here we are 5 months later. My daughter does occasionally ask if there will be something she can have to remember great grandma Gerry by, but so far nothing. Hopefully your situation will be like my first grandmother, not the second.

It's not going to be easy telling your kids, but the truth is your best option. I think we handled everything pretty well and our kids got an unwelcome dose of reality, but they certainly understand now that death is a part of life. If you have any other questions, feel free to message me. I've been there.

i am sorry for your loss. a few years ago my father passed suddenly. my oldest girl was very much involved with him and was used to seeing him at least twice a month and talking on the phone more than that. because i was with her when i got the news she came with me to the hospital. i was just very honest with her in person and we cried and i made sure to keep the lines of communication open. good luck.

Heidi,

As a widow with a 3 year old daughter, I would reccomend being honest, but keeping it simple. You may want to contact the grief counselors at your local hospice. They would be able to give you advice and be able to reccomend articles and books that are geared to your children's ages.

When my husband passed away last year I explained to my daughter that her daddy was very ill and his body could no longer work. I told her tha he died and was in heaven. As much as he wanted to stay with us he could not. He still loved us and we could talk about and remember him as much as she wanted.

It has been over seven months and my daughter talks about her father all the time. When we are out for walks she looks up at the sky and says "Hi Daddy I love you. Can you see me?"

I know it this is a very hard time for you. It is okay for your children to know you are sad. It lets them know they can be sad as well.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

C. V.

My kids were 7 and 5 when my father passed away. I didn't need to explain too much -- just traveling to Maryland for the funeral etc. and being a part of that helped them understand this was important.

Mu daughter (the 5 year old) was a little confused because I told her that Grandpa went to heaven. She said, "but I saw his body."

About a month afterwards when a package arrived my daughter aseked what it was. I told her it was probably a birthday gift for her brother from his grandparents. She said, "I bet its from Dad's mom and dad and not yours, because your mom and dad are dead and its really hard to buy presents and wrap them when you are dead."

I think kids at that age look at the facts -- she gets the religious part of it now, but it takes time. (we're Catholic)

tell the truth: grandma has left her body. her spirit is still with us but she is no longer in her body...." you can still share with grandma, in your dreams and just when you want to talk to her. But grandma has left her body because her old body was tired and she yearned for the freedom of spirit because she was a very old lady"...then go onto say that yearning to leave the body is okay when you are very old. ( i only say this because of high numbers of youth committing suicide).....tell them that grandma will hear them but may not always be able to talk back because she is soooo busy in the realm of the spirit....do what you will darlin, but i do suggest this course of action....

Hi Heidi -

Children are incredibly resilent and understand more than you think. I am not sure about your religious background, but I would just set them down and give them the information as you believe. Then make sure you answer any questions that come up. The younger the child the easier it is for them to handle a loss like this. Good Luck!

Hi there,

I don't think that the goal is to minimize the pain, it's to deal with real things that happen and honor your grandmother. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old and my father (their grandfather) died 2 months ago. My older one participated in the funeral, and I wouldn't change that. Your kids are part of the family and there is value in them participating in some way - being at the gatherings, etc.

Just say the facts and they'll be fine.