Hello,
I'm in desperate need of advice how to get my 18 month old daughter to be happy and hang out with my mom. Here is the thing, I was a SAHM and when my daughter turned 1 I decided to go back to work as a Spanish teacher (be able to help w/ income and spend lots of time with my daughter.) I teach sometimes at my house and my mom has been so wonderful that volunteered to come and stay with us for long periods of time to watch my daughter while I work. The problem is that any time I'm home my daughter doesn't want to play with my mom, she cries and clings to my leg and if I lock myself in the classroom she goes and bangs on my door. I have tried giving her new toys, telling her that I go to work, or telling her 'the kids are coming to class' but nothing works. I have to prepare lessons and I am preparing some proposals that need my full attention and havent been able to because she cries so much I usually just give in and hold her around the house. I have to cook with her on my arms. I love her and spend lots of quality time with her but I'm going nuts. I feel bad for my mom because she thinks my daughter doesn't want to be with her and is a bit dissapointed...Please share some advice with me!!!!!
THANKS everyone for all the great responses. I forgot to mention that my mom can't take my daughter to her house because my mom lives in El Salvador and has come to help for a few moms at a time. She also does not drive :(
It is hard for me to explain to my mom that I'm trying to raise my child a bit different than she raised me (almost 30 years ago.) So she is not really dissapointed but sometimes upset and says "what else does she want? she has my arms they are the same..." then I have to gently remind her that I was the caregiver before and my baby doesn't understand...
Thanks again for all the input!!! I am already thinking of using a few of them! Specially the one of having them do something special together...
Can Grandma get her out of the house? You being out of sight will make a big difference in your daughter's attitude (but don't take that personally!). If Grandma can take her to Grandma's house, or if that's too far, even on a walk or to the park or running errands, it will help a great deal. You can start your class, and when she returns to the house she'll be focused on Grandma, not you (as long as you remain out of sight).
Maybe you should try taking her over to your Moms, and leaving her there to be watched. I am sure the dynamics will change! It will be difficult at first, but I think that it is important for her to learn that you will always be back to get her! I must say, that I never gave in to my kids when they insisted that I hold them while cooking or something like that. I just always felt like it was too dangerous! In fact, they really weren't allowed in the kitchen! When my husband was young he was in the kitchen and his Mom accidentally dumped boiling water on him because she didn't know that he was there...etc....it just has always freaked me out! It is really not a safe place to have kids. Just a little food for thought! I never would've thought about that if that hadn't happened to my husband when he was a child. But I do think that it would help if you take her to your Moms, or have your Mom come over and pretend like you are leaving and sneak back in or something so that she doesn't even know that you are there. Hope that helps!
K.,
Can't help but put on my therapist hat here and give you some behavioral therapy advice on this one.
First your daughter's behavior is age appropriate. However, kids are smart and she is gonna to take all you will give. Why wouldn't she knock and cry if she knows, "if i keep crying mommy will pick me up." How about trying coming at this from a different angle? How about coming up with a reward system for you not having to pick her up? Maybe start on a day when you don't have students over, and just you and mom can work on it. Start with a set small amount of time to go into the room (five minutes or less). Have your mom work to keep her engaged and away from the door. After the time goes by, come out and you and grandma celebrate (really throw on the excitement!)that she didn't knock on the door. If you give her a reward (a fruit snack or an M&M, or any small treat) let Grandma give it to her, and you hold her for a minute. Go back into the room again, but this time stay in the room longer. Do this process several times. The first day of doing this will be repetitive and tiring for you and grandma. But the point is she will see she gets rewarded for not knocking, she will be comforted in knowing she will get your attention again, and she will get used to getting positive attention from grandma. In the times she really throws a fit and doesn't succeed during the time, no big deal, don't hold and cuddle her, just talk to her & just try again.
Help her see that she doesn't get what she wants from crying and throwing a fit, but she will still get lots of attention, comfort and affection.
I wouldn't have thought of Allison's response. Good thinking! The only problem might be if she can hear you once you are back in your classroom she would still want you.
What I was going to ask is whether your mother could take your daughter to her house. That also might work, as it seems likely that your daughter would settle with grandma if you weren't nearby. If your classes aren't long, grandma might even want to plan some special treat once in a while... just a trip to a park, a walk, going shopping, anything that is a little on the different side to keep your daughter's interest.
Hi K.,
Most all kids go through a phase when they only want their mommies. It sounds like your daughter is in it :o) It's normal for you to be the center of her life, and yes, it is emotionally exhausting as you are experiencing.
When I moved my business into our home to prepare for the birth of our second son, I had the same trouble that you are having now. The kids think because you are at home, that you are there for them and nobody else. I remember thinking that moving the business in my home wasn't the right choice because I couldn't get anything done.
First, I adjusted my 'attitude' and reminded myself that my kids come first :o) It's amazing how frustrated I got, and angry toward them before I did this :o)
After I adjusted my own attitude, I began to "practice" with my kids.........I would say "Mommy has to work for a little bit, which movie do you want to watch?" Then I would go in my office and work. Of course they would interrupt, so after they interrupted, I reminded them, "Mommy is working and needs to concentrate, I will let you know when you can talk to me, please go watch your movie"........It took many times to get this down, which is why I "practiced" before anyone clients' came over. The interruptions get less and less, I promise.
If your mom is over to help you, then you can be reassured that your daughter will be safe and taken care of. What does she like to do? Maybe she can associate your mom with something she likes to do......like going to the park. Maybe when your mom comes over to help, she can take her to the park (or her fun thing)....It cannot be done each and every time, but it can be done often enough to help the transition.
Your daughter is still young, but she will learn and understand that you are "working"......it will just take time.
If she cannot adjust, then your daughter may have to go to your mom's house instead, so you can work. It might be the only way for awhile.
Good luck, K..
~N.
Your daughter is used to having "you", her mom taking care of her everyday. When all of a sudden you are not there and someone new is, it is a huge change for her. She is clinging because she doesn't want you to not pay attention to her and leave her. You should have your mom come over when you are not working so your daughter and you can spend some time playing together. This way your daughter can get used to her grandma taking care of her while you are there. Less traumatic for her. All she knows is you were with her all the time and now you are not. Include her in your lesson planning and proposals. Let her be in the same room. Set up her own little area so she is near you and let her play. You will never be able to give your work your full attention while you are a mom, that is just the way it is. Maybe cut back on some classes until she has adjusted. It is nice to help out with the income and teach, but it may have to wait until your daughter is a little older and can better understand what you are doing. Again, new job, even in the home, new caregiver and not seeing you as much is a lot for a 1 year old to take in. Give her time and be patient. Being a mother your mom should understand this and not take it personally. For her to be diappointed is a little over done. Good luck.
My daughter-in-law and granddaughter used to live with me and my granddaughter was the same way. My DIL tried to do a home-based business, but could not do anything because my granddaughter would cling to her and any time my DIL got on the phone, my granddaughter would scream and cry to the point that my DIL could not get anything done. That was cured by my DIL taking a job outside the home and leaving my granddaughter with a babysitter. It didn't take long and now my DIL has quit her job, is back to being a SAHM but can do a home-based business because her daughter will play and entertain herself and is happy being with other people. I think you just have to break the habit of her being with you and getting all of your attention. If there is any way, maybe your mom can take your daughter to her house to watch her. Physical separation is the only way I know to resolve this clinging problem.
Hi K.-!
I remember 18 months old - it seems as if all of a sudden at that age only mom will do! My kids would be fine with others watching them at 15 months old and earlier, but all of a sudden at 18 months old, NO one could watch them! Rest assured that this is a normal stage that many children go through - and has nothing to do with your mom.
My advice is to actually leave the house for work in the morning, then after your mom has taken your daughter to another part of the house, to come back in to your classroom ( I assume it is in your home). When you are in your classroom, you are working, and resist the temptation to give in to your daughter - this will only give her confusing messages and make the separation anxiety last longer and be more difficult to overcome. She will not understand explanations at this age - she will only understand repeated actions. If she knows (and she will most definitely put up a fuss at first) that you will not be available to her when you are working in the classroom, she will adjust - you have to be the persistent one. She will be completely fine - it would be good for your mom to have the opportunity to work this out with your daughter as her caregiver - if you 'rescue' your daughter all the time, she will count on it and give such a fuss until you give in. There is no giving in with 18 month olds-!
I think it is 10 times harder to work at home than at a regular workplace - good luck!!!
Can your mom take her some place like the park, Gymboree play group or something to spend some one on one time with her? If you are not there she will not have a choice, but to bond with your mom a little bit.
Can your mom take your daughter out on a walk before you disappear into your classroom? That way she's leaving you instead of the other way around.
It sounds like this situation is making you anxious, and of course it would make anyone anxious. But the truth is you have to overcome those feelings and project calm and confidence instead. Your daughter will probably respond when you do.
Dear K.,
It seems that your child wants your undivided attention at all times and let's face it....what child doesn't want that? Can they always have it? No. That is something they have to learn. They will not die if mommy is out of their sight for a while.
I see that your mom can't drive, etc, but she can take your daughter on walks in a stroller. Maybe you can even make arrangements for them to ride the bus to a mall or library and they can have some adventures together. I don't see how working at home will work for you unless you can get your child used to the idea that mommy is working. I taught my children from the time they were very little not to interrupt, especially if I was on the phone. You will just have to set boundaries and stick with them. But I think getting the child out of the house for a while when you work will really help.
I'm sure your mom is disappointed, but you have to get your child used to the company of others sometime...and you are lucky to have your mom help you with it.
You are at home, your daughter is at home...she doesn't get that she can't just bomb around the house as usual.
It will just take some training. Hang in there.
Dear K.,
I really like the advice of Nicole and Iva. They are right on in practicing to get the behavior you want and need from your daughter. I'm the mother of 7 and I home school 6 kids. I have 2 little ones that want my attention during school. I have practiced from the beginning having play time alone in a gated area or their room. They learn to play independantly, they learn to be secure. They learn that mom may go out for a little while, but she comes back and we have time together. I am teaching 6 hours a day. I do take small breaks to play, cuddle and feed the little ones. My older children also help with their needs if I need them too. It just takes practice.
Don't feel guilty. All of this is training, especially in self control. It needs to start early and it will be easier on you and the baby later. Blessings to you. Keep up the good work.
Stac
