4Yr Old Granddaughter and Punishment from Mommy

You're criticizing how she parents - all of it.

Honestly, just stop.

I bet she's exhausted. She could really use some support.

Sounds like she's just stressed out. Perhaps you could help out by offering to get the 4yo ready for her games? That might make her excited to play, and she'll have everything she needs, and mommy won't feel so stressed out.

Instead of saying anything about it, do what you can to help ease the load.

Maybe offer to help out with the kiddos, or suggest you will take the baby if she wants some 1x1 time with the 4 year old.

What exactly do you want to say? "I think the 4 year old is acting out because you are tending to the baby?" There is a bonding happening between the baby and mother. It is normal for a 4 year old to be jealous. You do not need to make the mother feel like a failure because there is normal dynamics in her household.

Do you think the granddaughter feel that you think her mother has the '!!" to leave her with her dad and you? You might be letting that opinion out in front of the 4 year old and this adds to the issue. Most fathers and grandmothers should be able to watch a 4 year old while the mother goes to a wedding/baby shower. Most event allow 'babes in arms' but NOT small children.

The mother may have gotten zero sleep annoyed and feels MIL judging her at her daughter's tball game. I had judging relatives in my house for a few days and my kids cry more and act out more and my fuse is very short by day 2 and i am guilty of snapping at my kids instead of the visitor. Once the person leaves things are normal. When a caring person (someone who cares about ME too) comes to visit the kids get to play board games and get attention and I get a little break. Our house is happy when these people are around. Train yourself have empathy for the DIL and things will go a lot better. Give her a real caring apology.

Some advice, comb your granddaughter's hair if it bugs you so much while you are watching her. If the mother has the baby and you are at the game why didn't you to get the cap and tag? Please try being a team player and not a hater. If I feel it through the screen, I can tell you your daughter in law feels it 1000 times more.

I am keeping a journal of what it is like to be a DIL, and to have a MIL. Seriously.

The reason? Because I don't understand that if you were one how you can forget what it is like to be one, it is hard being an inlaw. A Mil should have the experience of being a DIL and have more empathy (be able to relate to her experience). I rarely see this in a MIL and then they blame the inexperienced DIL for problems in the relationship.

I don't get it. Maybe the view is different once you get there?

Anyway...have you been a DIL? Have you been a mother of two? Do you remember what it was like at that age? She is probably not sleeping, not eating right,too tired to spend time with husband, a feeding machine, etc. do you remember this? How stressed and vulnerable you feel?

So then how would it feel if your MIL came up to you and "confronted" you about neglecting one of the children, favoring the other one, not talking correctly to them , not being fair to them, not dressing them correctly, and that one of the children looks sloppy.....

I think I would cry, and then probably keep you at a great distance.

Please offer to help without being critical.
Please offer support without criticism.

This will go a long way in your relationship with her.

And it may be had to think about, but one day you may become vulnerable to age and need her help.

Best of luck to you

I think you are overstepping a bit here. Taking an 8 month old somewhere is often much, much easier than taking a 4 yo. And if the mama is breastfeeding, you can breastfeed in a room full of people much easier than you can pump. Pumping is very socially isolating.

As for appearances, sometimes it's almost impossible to get my 4yo (or 7yo) to comb their hair. An 8 month old simply wouldn't resist.

Don't read more into this than there is.

That said, the mom's response to the 4yo was inappropriate. Furthermore, she should probably try to carve out some special time with the 4yo. One way to do this would be to offer to watch the 8 mo some time so the mom can take the 4yo out for special one-on-one time. The mom might really appreciate it.

I'm sorry, but you sound like a real buttinsky. You are only seeing what you are seeing from the outside. Of course she would take a baby but not a four year old to a wedding! I wouldn't want a four year old who will be bored silly there either. She's nursing (pumping sucks - I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to), so she needs to have the baby nearby and the baby will sleep and be done. But the four year old will be bored and demand attention. (Plus, a lot of people don't WANT children at weddings). And I wouldn't get her gussied up for T-ball either. When my daughter was 4, she dragged her feet and made us late for everything - I reached a point where she needed to take care of things or show up disheveled. So she did. It's called natural consequences. And frankly, you have no idea what conversations preceded what you witnessed today. My daughter really wanted to sign up for T-ball and then would pick flowers when we got there. It was embarrassing and frustrating. We had many conversations and deals and bribes to get her to focus, always with a promise, only for her to turn around and do it again. I hated every minute of it, and yet she'd cry if I'd tell her we were done playing T-ball. She wanted to be there, but she didn't want to do anything asked of her. The other parents would look at me as a bad mother for not getting her to participate when theirs all were. It was beyond frustrating and overwhelming. You are making the situation worse. You should NOT be calling your son. You should NOT confront her. You should offer to help her. You should offer "grandma camp" and invite the older child to come visit more often. Take her every Friday. Offer stories of how hard it was when you had children that age. Please don't antagonize her or make her feel worse that she's having trouble handling two kids these ages. Your criticisms are making things worse. If you aren't going to help, stay out of it.

It sounds like your DIL was angry with her child. I have also been angry with my children. If I have paid for my kids to participate in an activity then it is their job to participate. If they choose not to do what they are supposed to then they certainly don't get to have fun instead. I also do not tolerate a child crying because they don't get their way.

As for the four year old not having her hair combed or her hat and nametag, well she is four. At four my kids combed their own hair and were responsible for getting themselves dressed. They didn't always do it right, but I didn't do it for them.

As for taking the baby everywhere with her, well to me that is pretty normal. I nursed both of my babies and for the first year I was never away from them for more than an hour or two. If I had to be away from the baby to go to work then I certainly wouldn't have been away from baby any other time.

If my MIL criticised me for any of these things I think I would have lost it!

I tell my daughter she can't cry if she's being ridiculous.
I also brought her with me to most events and had my boys stay with my husband, their aunts and uncles, or a few times with my parents. I had plenty of milk in the freezer for her, but I wanted to nurse her. So she came with me.My older kids didn't let me pick out their clothes or pick their haircuts when they reached about 4 or 5. So maybe your granddaughter just doesn't want mom to do her hair up cutesey. My daughter, 3 1/2 now, has had an opinion on her clothing and hair for at least the past year.
You shouldn't have called your son, (I actually can't BELIEVE you did that! TOTALLY overstepped your bounds. If my MIL did something like that you better believe that she and I would be on the outs for a long time. A L.O.N.G. time.) you let her parent as she sees fit. Especially if it's not harming the children, which it doesn't sound like it is AT ALL.
L.

You mentioned that you love your daughter-in-law. I would start there. I would move out of the critical mindset and move into a mindset that is about giving her grace and the benefit of the doubt. You mentioned "a lot of people have said" which indicates she is being gossiped about and I wouldn't stand for it. She is your family and if someone is talking negatively about her to you, even if you agree with what they say, I hope you would defend her in some way shape or form. If you are worried about her parenting choices then try and help her out any way you can. You are a mom so you know how hard it can be. Also, just remember that she is the gatekeeper of those girls and so I would be so careful about how you manage this. My parents have friends that haven't seen their grand kids in years due to this kind of stuff. Tred lightly and be loving to her and the kids.

I agree you are overstepping her. If my MIL called my husband to complain about my parenting, you'd bet there would be an issue.

Help her...encourage her. Try to spend time with the baby, or come help with the 4 year old. I bet it's not that she is favoring the baby, just that the baby is easier. 4 is a hard age.

Honestly, you sound like my mom. My mom is AMAZING, but she favors my daughter over any of her other grandchildren by far. It's getting better, but it's been a long 11 years to get to this point. She sees no fault in anything my daughter does, but any of the other kids get harped on. It doesn't help. And it doesn't make me want to change my parenting ways. I am with my kids all the time, I know them inside out, she sees what she wants as a grandma - as it should be. So you have no idea how the whole day had been for them....it may have been rough. And if my kid was being difficult and didn't want her hair put up for a tball game, so be it. That's not the hill I would die on.

Instead of "confronting" her (really poor choice of word), encourage her. Let her parent her children, but acknowledge when you see that she might need support and offer it. Don't tell her what to say and what not to say to her children. We're all entitled to bad-mommy moments, right? Stand down and let her work this out.

Have you considered that maybe the 4yo is at a stage of dressing herself--sometimes in her own creations--and not keeping her hair combed? Mommy might be giving her some freedom and avoiding a fight. She has more control over the baby. When you see her like this, smile and ask her, "Did you dress yourself?" Maybe just compliment her on being a big girl. Mommy will see that you notice the difference. 4yo will want to play an active role in how she looks (if she doesn't already).

There could be a number reasons for all that you've noted. Whatever they are, your role isn't as varied. Just support. When your granddaughter complains, sympathize with her. Explain that you can understand how it must be difficult to have to share her mommy, and then guide her through it. You know that her mommy doesn't love her less, so help to explain that to her. When you chat with Mommy, give her a rundown of how your time went and all the things that the kids did and said. Include the 4yo's complaints, but don't present them as complaints; it's just one more thing that she said. Then, you might follow up with something like this: "You know, 4yo said something today that got me to thinking. She said that she misses you and wishes that she could spend more time alone with you. Now, I know that that is practically impossible with a baby, but I'm glad to hang out with the baby while you two go and have a mother-daughter lunch. You probably miss her a little, too. And if you need time to yourself, I can help with that, too. Use me." Call her one day and tell her, "I've cleared my calendar for tomorrow afternoon. Why don't you make some plans for yourself while I keep the kids, even if it's just a bath and a nap?" The following week, make the same kind off offer for her to hang out with her older child. Don't be pushy, but let her know that you are committed to assisting where you can. In fact, you could get on a regular schedule. I don't know if you're retired or not. If your schedule permits, maybe you could plan to keep one of the kids once each week--alternating weeks--while she spends time with the other. Or add an extra day/few hours to the week to keep both kids. Sometimes my mother will call on a Friday and ask if they can pick up my son and take him to dinner and maybe ice cream. That gives my husband and me two to three hours to decompress at the end of the week, before the weekend un-rest begins. It's also bonding time for kids and grandparents.

These are really the only actionable ways that you can be helpful here. It's easy to sit from your position and judge how she should be handling things, but it's unwise to express that to her or to your son. In fact, it might not be a terrible idea to pull your son aside and apologize to him for complaining impulsively and then tell him that you won't be doing that again. If you don't say anything to this effect, he will believe that you are always looking over their shoulders and criticizing his wife's parenting. And, worse, he could share this with his wife and then she would feel your judgment. You have to let him know that you're over it.

Your approach should be to see a need and meet it. Period. Plug yourself in as extra hands and legs and hugs. NOT as an advisor to your son or DIL, unless it is requested. Feel free to advise your grandchildren, as long as you are stepping on no parental toes.

Well, I hear a lot of things in this post.

1. A mother who is probably not sleeping well since the birth of a new baby, who may now be teething.

2. A mother who is struggling with two children, an adjustment for anyone.

3. A young kid who is struggling with a new sibling, an adjustment for anyone.

4. A mother who is trying very hard to get her older daughter to do an activity and is frustrated with the child's lack of interest and/or behavior. I will say that I have had these conversations with my 5 yr old when she didn't want to do dance class - after all the fees, and traffic and everything else. I was ticked off. Then my kid started to whine and wail and I will admit I told her to stop.

Your DIL may also feel like she needs to keep the baby with her and that the 4 yr old would better be served being somewhere else. Is the baby in a phase where strangers (even family) are upsetting? My DD wouldn't stay with my own mother during church (in the nursery) so I had to listen to Easter service over the intercom. I will also say that as a working, nursing mother, pumping is a pain in the butt, and anytime I could avoid using my precious stash I did. Even if it meant keeping the baby with me when it didn't make sense to other people. Did you ever work and pump? If not, you do not truly know what is "enough" for her and her child and her work situation. Just because there is some in the freezer doesn't mean it's not needed. I struggled to keep up with my DD and date nights needed a lot of planning. It was NOT easy for me.

I see this as a mom just a little stressed out and I can't blame her. Rather than call up her husband, maybe look for ways to help her. Just because the older kid has disheveled hair doesn't mean she hates her kid. Please do not look at my DD's hair today - I guarantee you I brushed it. I also guarantee you it's a mess by now. Or heaven forbid she forget something! Your son could make sure the kid was dressed or the uniform was together. Is he stepping in everywhere he can, too?

The parents need to work with their elder daughter on things like "the baby goes with Mommy because she is nursing and needs Mommy's milk" or "The baby is too little to do x so Daddy is going to take you to your big girl thing." I was about your elder granddaughter's age when my sister came along and the fun wore off fast. I had to learn that sometimes I didn't get everything I wanted right then. Your elder granddaughter is four and will push buttons. Her parents need to deal with those problems.

My sister is a working mom with kids similar ages to your DIL and she tells me regularly how the baby isn't sleeping, how she struggles to spend time with just her son, etc. She doesn't favor either kid. But her DD does need more attention at 8 mo. old.

IMO, please give your DIL a break instead of judging her and tattling to her husband. Maybe, "DIL, is there anything I can help with?" or "Let me get that cooler for you."

Here is a blog I read today. Perhaps it will offer perspective: http://www.singlemomtism.com/2014/07/my-sons-words-of-wis...

While we should try to be calm with our children, I challenge the parent who has never ever said something in frustration or anger or irritation to throw the first rock. Just because she said something in front of grandma doesn't mean she's a terrible mother who verbally abuses her child.

Stop trying to find problems where it doesn't sound like there are any. I have a baby and an older child, too. My oldest tends to stay with Grandma or Daddy if I have to be somewhere, because it is much more comfortable for me to bring the baby and nurse him rather than skip feedings while leaving him at home. My 3 year old is always THRILLED to be able to spend time with people he loves, he's with me all day, so I'm old news. Instead of looking at it as the 4 year old is left behind, it's the older daughter gets to skip the boring shower and play with you. My son knows that the baby needs Mommy for milk right now, so sometimes he has to stay with me. As for the hair not looking brushed, have you spent much time with a 4 year old? They can be brushed, clean, and neat and two seconds later be filthy. Cut her some slack, she's got her hands full. If you want to maintain a good relationship with your son and granddaughters, then don't even think of "confronting" her for any of this.

Yeah, I find myself thinking more like a Gma than a mom these days too. But can't say I wouldn't be pissed at my kid too in the situation you described.

My advice is, do not go there. She will raise them as she feels fit. As you did yours.

Just love on them.

:)

O. idea: offer to watch the baby so mom can spend some O. on O. time with the older girl.

As a grandma myself, we have to tread carefully here. Sounds like your DIL was (is) tired and frustrated. That is normal and happens to all of us. Instead of criticizing, ask how you can help.

I comb and fix my grandkids hair all of the time because I don't like how their parents care for it but I approach it as a special treat from grandma to pamper them and use "special" hair items.

Of course a nursing baby goes places with the mom and the 4 year old would be bored at those places. That will change when baby moves and creates problems when she takes them. Then you or dad will be asked to take both. What you can do now is suggest special mother/daughter time and help it happen by watching the baby.

Basically, be supportive and helpful and keep your negative comments to yourself. Give the parents a break and be helpful not critical. It will go far for your relationship with both parents and children. See this as your goal and let the little things go.

You have been blessed with two beautiful granddaughters and you have had more time to bond with the older one, so I am guessing that you take your DIL's behavior towards her very personally and feel she is being slighted. Since you met them at the T-ball game, you don't have any idea of what happened earlier in the morning at home or in the car on the way. How was your older GD treated by her mom before the baby was born? If it was a good relationship, then perhaps your DIL is just stressed out and tired with two little girls. Perhaps the baby is easier to deal with at this time. Your older GD may be acting out more. Perhaps you can encourage your son to pay more attention to her while Mom tends to baby. It is not unusual to take an infant that can be held in a lap or in a baby seat to a shower or a shopping trip. It can be more trouble to try to occupy a four year old who doesn't have the patience to sit still. Maybe there is a book someone can recommend about dealing with a little sister that you could get for her and read with her. Enjoy the time you get to spend with them!

if you really don't want to jeopardize the relationship, back off.
it's got to be hard to watch. i don't know exactly what to suggest.\
but i tell you true, your DIL will cut you out if you continue to judge her parenting, and especially to go to her husband behind her back.
bite your tongue, smile, be calm, supportive and loving.
ETA as it relates the other question, i don't think i'd tell this 4 year old that she 'is not allowed to cry' but i certainly wouldn't give it any attention. home, and into her room with 'you didn't want to play ball, so you got what you want. if you want to cry about it, off you go. if you care to, we can discuss it when you're finished crying.'
khairete
S.

You have received a lot of good advice and perspective.

You should tell your DIL that her older daughter is asking why Fiona always gets to go with mommy. And then offer to babysit Fiona for a couple hours once a week so Mommy can have time with older daughter.

My mom did this when I had my second. My daughter and I would have a girls day out. We still call our outings that nine years later.

Best wishes!

I don't have any grandchildren yet, and I clearly understand your situation, but all you can do is love,love the grandchildren, perhaps give a little extra lovin to the currently neglected one and not say anything. Too many years are coming up and daughter in law is holding the cards. You won't be the bad mother in law, you will be the much loved grandma!

To me, she sounds like she might need a few nice breaks from her pre-schooler to get a rest. That age can be challenging, as you know. They are great at pushing buttons and aren't easy to control like the baby. Mom probably needs a break from both kids for a night or two, so she can recharge. I would ask if she would like to have you take the kids for a couple of nights. Don't bring it up as a response to her behavior. Just offer without any comments...as the gift that it will be for your son and DIL. Hopefully with some time away, she will get her wits about her and see that she is blowing a T-ball game way out of proportion. If that doesn't help, she needs parenting classes, or your son needs to step up and do more of the parenting, so mom can figure out how to be patient.

As for the appearance of your granddaughter, it's probably as simple as trying to get a 4 year old to comply is very different compared to a baby. Some kids don't like to be fussed over with hair, clothes, etc. Sometimes moms take the easy way out and run out the door without taking the time to brush hair and all. She's probably too busy to iron on the name on the baseball shirt. If you notice those things, either keep it to yourself or ask if you can do it for her.

I don't think it's wrong to tell your son what you are witnessing. One thing that stands out to me is that if she is able to talk to her daughter like that around you, then what is she saying when nobody is around? That makes me worry. By telling your son, he can now address it with your DIL. I wouldn't talk to her about it yourself. Depending on your relationship, that would probably just make her defensive and might jeopardize your relationship with the kids.

I feel for you. You are a wonderful grandmother! Those babies are lucky to have you in their lives.

It's wonderful to be a grandparent but it is hard to keep your mouth shut when you see things that the parents don't see. I would just try to help out more - take the four year old and give the mom a break. You could say that you see that she seems frazzled today and could you take the little girl for ice cream or overnight? You cannot call your son to tattle on your daughter-in-law - it will not work out well in your favor. I always try to remember that when I was the parent with little children I did not want/need to have my parents or my in-laws telling me how to raise my children. I'm sure they saw things that we did that they didn't like one bit but unless it is truly dangerous you need to keep out of it.

This is hard, but instead of telling her how you feel, maybe step in and ask if you can help when your hear....bad parenting.

Was she like this before the baby came? Is it new? If it's new, something's up and maybe she needs help of....some kind. If it's not new, then I can see why you'd want to call your son.

Looking out for the kiddo does not make you a bad MIL. If she said something ELSE and you heard the words above, then *that* would make you a bad MIL. I have one of those...I can say the nicest thing and she hears something else. It's sad and weird and terrible, but I can't control it. And I can't tell from the internet, but what you wrote seems sincere and not looking for words to pump you up. So...I think you were right to call your son.

*hugs*

Mom should have sent kiddo over to the dug out and let the coach deal with it. It's the coaches job to manage this. Leaving was embarrassing and upsetting to mom. She failed as a mother with you standing right there.

Perhaps you could have lessened the stress by asking what you could do to help and let her set the pace. She was probably very sensitive because you were seeing little one act out.

Nothing makes a kid feel like chopped liver than an attention stealing baby sibling.
The oldest child still needs her Mom and it seems her Mom is fixated on the baby.
If your observations are accurate (it sounds like blatant favoritism)- it sounds like the 4 yr old and her Mom could use some quality time alone together.
Maybe you could baby sit the baby while they have a day (or weekend) out together.
If that doesn't work then offer to baby sit the 4 yr old to have some quality time with her and give her Mom a break.
Sibling rivalry is bad enough but Mom is setting things up so it will be a miracle if her kids get along even when they are older.

I agree that her behavior towards the child was horrible, she was acting like a bully and a brute. BUT, if you try to step in you very well could lose access to your granddaughter, and that could make things even harder on her. You told your son what you saw, let that be the end of it and stay out of it from there, just focus on showering the 4 year old with as much love and understanding as you can to try to ease the pain, and hope that once mom finds some balance in how to be the mother of two that things will get better.

I don't think you're overstepping at all. The word confrontation is not a bad one, it only means that you want to discuss the situation. I know everyone here is up in arms about what you're saying but I think you are right about everything (probably should have waited to talk to your son in person). At 8 months your DIL should be in the groove by now. She should be able to take a 4 year old with her to these events as long as the 4 year old behaves. She is missing out on having a great little helper. It should be her top priority to make the 4 year old a huge part of the babies like and and even bigger part of her life now that the baby is here so that the 4yo doesn't resent the baby or feel abandoned by the mother. You are feeling what every parenting book out there says to do when baby #2 comes along, follow your instincts. Read Dr. Sears on Attachment Parenting, sounds like your parenting style which is lovely (mine too).

It is NEVER ok to tell a child that they cannot cry. Crying is essential to getting your hurt or anxiety out and also the way in which we let others know that we need to be held or comforted. She's only 4!!! So whats the message, when you are sad, mommy doesn't care, your crying is only a annoyance and you should always bury your feelings- no one wants to be bothered with them. Good job mom, this kid is going to have major self esteem issues. Has anyone explained about the milk to the 4yo? Sounds like she's upset that she's been displaced and she has been.

Unfortunately theres not a lot you can do. Maybe ask the mom if you can help teach the 4yo how to take care of the baby? How to dress her, do her hair, put on her socks (good for sibling bonding and the 4yo self esteem). Tell her a fake story about a friend who taught her 4yo how to do all these things and how when they go on outings the 4yo helps and how great it is for everyone. You can explain about the milk. You can tell her that mommy loves her. Ask the DIL if she's tired and how can you and the 4yo help? Gently tell her that the 4yo would love more responsibility (not to much) so that she can be closer to her and that maybe her outbursts would be better. (She's just trying to get moms attention any way she can).

Good luck, its tricky but mom is going way off the deep end here and if she isn't careful when she's ready to be the 4 year olds mommy again the 4yo might not care.