Dear wonderful moms,
My uncle asked me the other day- what advice or words of wisdom would I give his daughter (my cousin) who is 42, single and expecting her first (wanted) baby boy any day. I told him that from my experience of being a first time mom around the same age, what was the biggest hurdle was becoming more flexible and needing to surrender to motherhood and making a new start, rather than "fitting" this child into my old life. His question got me thinking that I would like to know what all you other experienced mothers would say, so I can share your responses with her. So what would you tell her? Thanks in advance!
S.
I'd tell someone to enjoy the time. They get big soo fast. Also, to try and let the baby be himself. Don't try and make him someone you want him to be. My oldest is now 6, is a terror, but he is alos a kind and loving kid.
Don't worry about what other kids his age are doing!
When your son is 21 it won't matter if he walked at 9 months or 19 months. It won't matter if he talked at 18 months or 28 months and it won't matter if he was potty trained at 2 or 4. Enjoy every day that he is working on the next milestone don't get hung up on him always jumping to the next one.
Best of luck to her,
K.
Just a thought, unconditional love isn't always easy, but it is key to being a good mother. If your child knows your arms are always open for them, they will be able to share fears and problems. Don't be your child's friend until they are an adult,they want/need you to be a parent, and once they're grown let them be your best friend! Its worked for me so far! Best of luck on the best and biggest adventure!
Trust yourself- everyone will give you SO MUCH advice. Most of it well-meaning, but some not! Being a mom is unlike anything else and it is really tempting to rely on other more experienced, 'wiser' moms. There are definitely going to be times when calling your mom or your friends or sister for advice are needed- but in the end, trust YOUR instincts for YOUR baby. You will be amazed at how much you know!
Also, from the Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy- the 2 best things I ever read as a mom:
1) Put out the big fires and step over the small ones.
2) Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down and never be awake when you can sleep! For a brand new mommy- first few months anyway- this is CRUCIAL!
You're a great niece! Best of luck to your cousin and congratulations!
Take all the advice and information that is available, consider it, and make the decisions that SHE can live with. Good or bad outcome.
I didn't become a mom until I was 33 and was used to doing what I wanted when I wanted to. Becoming a SAHM is everything that I wanted and was hard for me to adjust to at first. Now, I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING!
Two pieces of advice:
1. Hold that baby as much as you want to. They can't even start to manipulate you until 6 months or older. If they cry before that, they need something, even if it is a snuggle. :)
2. Get out of the house one night a week just for you! This gives Daddy a chance to do all of it on his own (which teaches him how hard it can be and that he CAN do it without your help, and gives him a chance to bond with baby). It gives you a chance to revamp, miss little one, and for you to realize that Daddy can do it without your help. And it teaches Baby that Daddy can do it and he is a confident caregiver.
Blessings to her and her little one!
Trust your instincts is the only advice I can give. I am a very young single mom (24), and I learned this all too well recently. My 8 month old was under the weather and then all of a sudden we were in ER. Of course it was on a Sunday and I had to speak to the doctor on call, not her pediatrician. I was explaining that my daughter was sleeping significantly more than usual so she asked me how much she had slept the day before. When I told her she added up all the hours and said well that is normal for an 8 month old. I said okay fine its normal for an 8 month old but it is absolutely not normal for my daughter. When I finally convinced her that this was something to pay attention to she asked me another series of questions and sent us to ER assuming that my daughter was dehydrated, and top of it she ended up having a viral lung infection.
You will know your baby better than everyone (including doctors that know everything). If you pay attention, you will know that action needs to be taken even if you don't know which action to take!
Good luck to your cousin!
I would say always trust your instincts. Do what you feel is best when making decisions about your child, you will usually be right, even if you don't know what you're doing. The second would be remember infancy/childhood is just a series of phases. When you are frustrated that they throw their food at you when eating, suddenly waking up a million times a night, spitting (you said she is having a boy:) etc etc- it will go away as magically as it appeared and something else will take its place. When I feel overwhelmed and frustrated with a behavior that is exhibiting its self in my son I remind myself this too shall pass. After all, he no longer throws his food on the floor and I thought that would never pass!
Don't expect that once a child has exited your body, you will magically have the "Mom Wisdom of The Ages" transferred to your brain. Motherhood is learned. The love grows every day, as will your confidence! Listen to your gut. As a mom, you know your child better than ANYONE else!
I would like to address those frustrating moments in the middle of the night. I used to say, "I can't do this" but I would always remember my mom saying, "this is just a period of time. The baby will grow up quicker than you want and you will be wishing for those alone times rocking in a chair." This is so true!!! To this day...the few nights my 14 month old needs me to just rock with her are the moments I cherish the most. I don't worry about what has to get done or how tired I will be the next day. I just sit and enjoy the time I have with her, rocking and listening to music in the dark. So my advice, cherish every single moment.
i agree with you in a way - especially at 42. i was 29 when my first was born, and i found i had to relearn a LOT. especially, accepting that there were SO many things i just didn't have a clue about, was frustrating. also having to reinvent myself after 29 years. but i think the biggest thing was, no one ever tells you how little you'll actually know about being a mother. the books can't even begin to cover it. just be flexible and always always always try to work on the baby's needs and schedule. there is no magic handbook, each child is different. what "they say" is only to be taken with a grain of salt.
Here is a quote that I read and re-read over and over because it just resonates truth.
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. Is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~Elizabeth Stone
I became a single mom at 32, also wanted my baby boy. People always say how you can't fully understand the depth of love you have for your child until it happens to you. And as a person without a child, this is a little insulting, implying that there's an elite club you just don't and can't belong to. But now, after having become a mother, I can only say that you can't know or prepare yourself for the deep and wonderful love you share with your child ~ you only understand it when you actually have a child of your own. It truly is an elite club.
On a more practical note, another thing that everyone tells you about is how little sleep you'll get as a new parent. Well, there was no amount of preparation I could have undertaken to prepare myself for the sleep deprivation that ensued following the birth of my son, who by the way, seemed to need no sleep whatsoever, for the first 18 months of his life! If you are blessed with a non-sleeping baby like mine, be aware that sleep deprivation and exhaustion can be debilitating, to say the least. Ask for help when, better yet, 'before' you need it. And most importantly, sleep when the baby sleeps. Let me say that again. SLEEP WHEN THE BABY SLEEPS - it may be the ONLY sleep you get. EVERYTHING ELSE CAN WAIT!!!
Best wishes.
Just take it one day at a time and look into the eyes of your new baby and wait for an amazing adventure to start... What joy! Best of luck and here’s to a fast birth ;)
I totally agree with your words, preparing to surrender to motherhood. I was a teen mom first, and although very hard I was sooooo naive. Then nearly 13 yrs later at 31 I became a mom again. WOW, big difference. Older and wiser (i hope lol) you realize how much you owe to that child. To protect, love and nuture. Its not about you anymore, and sometimes you may resent it. But when you allow yourself to fully give your heart to that baby the rewards are endless. Your life as you knew it, is over. You have may have "plans" or schedules in your head, but chances are that baby will call the shots. And just go with it. To keep your sanity :) Having a baby can be everything you thought it wouldn't be. Its wonderful and amazing, but very humbling and also shocking! I wish your cousin the best of luck on her new journey!
Make sure that she listens to herself! I am not saying don't ask for help/advice. It is always good to take in and get advice about things, but she is going to have that "gut" feeling about things and she needs to listen to it! It is hard a a new mom because you get so much advice, comments, directions etc (wanted and sometimes unwanted!). And if she want to do things another way and it works for her she should do it! We raised our son using attachment parenting/co-sleeping and I remember that we were such a minority in the small town we lived in at the time. His dr really made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Just because some people disagree with something she is doing doesn't mean that it is wrong! She has a huge advantage by having more "life experience" than a lot of moms so she needs to listen to herself and use that when she is raising her baby boy. Good luck and God bless!
