Seeking Advice - Vista,CA

Have you thought about adoptiopn there are many good couples out there who can't have their own and would give the child a wonderful and loving home. I agree abortion is a personal choice and not and easy one but if you decide you want to go full term but can't care for another child allowing the child to be adopted maybe another option for you.

A little about me:
I am 39 years old married for 19 years and mother of an 8 year old boy.

Hi L.
If you feel you can not care for the new baby, you may want to consider adoption? There are many couples who would love to adopt a baby. Best of luck.

L.,
I am a single mom of a 13 year old boy and haven't regretted a day of it. I always say the universe takes care of single mom's as this has always been my experience. I have never met a woman who didn't regret abortion. Have faith that you will be okay and it will be true. Good luck and I know you can do it.
Love, J.

Hi L.,

I totally understand where you are at right now. I understand being pregnant and not really wanting the child and I was in your same place at 20 years old. I'll just be very transparent here and tell you that I had an abortion and it is no fun whatsoever. I was put to sleep when they did it but it was the emotional roller coaster that you go through before and after that makes that option very devastating and emotional in addition to realizing that you are killing a baby. Despite what anyone else says, once you are pregnant and have a baby, you realize that it's a live something and not just a object.

At any rate, abortion is not the way to go because that baby deserves to live regardless of any mistakes we as parents make. It's easy for me to say that in hindsight now but I wish I would have made a different choice because now that I have children I realize that they don't deserve to die because I decided to have wreckless sex.

I have an agency that I applied to a job recently who helps unwed pregnant women give their children up for adoption, they are located in Lake Forest and I believe that would be a great option for you. You can move on with your life and still provide a great life for your child and help a family who can't have children. The website is www.adoptionnetwork.com, check it out.

I hope you make the best decision for yourself and your child who is unborn as well as the one who is born, this is a tough decision but only one that you can decide. If you don't feel like this relationship will be beneficial for this child then do what is necessary to ensure this baby will have a healthy chance at succeeding in life. Being in an environment where he/she won't feel any love or see mom and dad constantly fighting or in a single parent home is almost as bad as aborting it because the child grows up with many psychological or emotional issues due to the environment they grew up in (case in point, ME). It will work out, I am sure of that. Just take your time and plan and then make a decision.

Before I give my advice I want to make sure that you know that putting such a personal crisis on a public site might generate some unwanted responses. I just wanted to make sure that you know that everyone has an opinion and you might not like what some people have to say.....DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY. :0) Remember they/we don’t know you and don’t know the whole story. Read all responses with an open mind. :0)Ok with that said on to my response:

Wow…..to bad for everyone involved. I have pity for you being in such a terrible situation. I hope that you have had an epiphany in regards to your sex life and life in general. All of this could have been avoided, which I am sure that you are aware of. I’m not trying to be mean, just honest. :0}
I believe the answers you are looking for are inside of you. Listen to your light and intuition. I think you should really ask yourself if you would be able to get over the mental trauma of an abortion, or adoption. Take a step out of the box, sit and meditate on which would be harder to get through…….taking your child’s life, giving him/her up for adoption or raising him/her? It’s really up to you. If you honestly think you are not fit to raise another child on your own then adoption or abortion are your choices….the question is which is the right choice for you.
Are you self-supportive? Does anyone help you pay YOUR bills or provide $ for your child in anyway? Are you self confidant? If your answers are NO then maybe you should put the child up for adoption. On the other hand if you are taking care of yourself and your son by your own means….then why would it be so hard to add one? If the Father is unfit, then in my opinion you should cut off that “Romantic” relationship! Why would you want to be with someone that you wouldn’t want your child to have to deal with? We as adults create the circumstances of our lives and we have the power to fix problems……… You have a lot of thinking to do I hope you make your decisions from the heart and not out of fear or embarrassment for the situation you have gotten yourself into. I was probably of no help, but I was truly hoping to open your mind to your self-worth and power that you possess. Go into your decision with a brave heart, I send blessings and positive energy in this, your time of need.

"Only a brave person is willing to honestly admit, and fearlessly to face, what a sincere and logical mind discovers."

Peace~Love~Light
V.

Hi L.,
Others have mentioned adoption and I thought I would share experiences that are close to my heart in hopes that it would help you make your decision with confidence. My husband's birth mother got pregnant with him when she was 19, after a one-night-stand. She never saw the man again, and this was 1968 - abortion was not an option (and I thank the Lord for that, because my husband would probably not be here if it were an option). She decided to have the baby and give him up for adoption. She was heartbroken to be separated from him, but she knew it was the best decision for him. He was adopted by a couple who could not have children of their own and was raised in this family with two older siblings, also adopted. He has a wonderful family, and I am blessed now to be a part of his family. He was reunited with his birth mother when he was 29 years old. She was as hopeful for a reunion as he was and they now have a very close and amazing relationship. He has a second mom now. As he learned her life story, he learned that several years after he was born, his birth mother got pregnant again, and it was another unwanted pregnancy. This was after 1973 when abortion became legal and she aborted that baby. She always had an ache in her heart for her first baby that she gave up for adoption, but the ache that she still feels, to this day, for the baby that she aborted is much more painful and can never be mended, even though she is now a Christian and knows about forgiveness and emotional healing. She experienced both adoption and abortion, and for her, the decision to adopt was a decision she could live with, much more so than the decision to abort, even if she had never been reunited with her adopted son. And I have heard of many women who have terrible heartbreak after having an abortion. Do not let anyone convince that it is a "quick fix."
I know this is getting very long, but I also wanted to share my little sister's story with you. She got pregnant when she was 17. She knew she could not take care of the baby, but she would not abort, so she decided on adoption. At the same time, my oldest sister and her husband were beginning to think about adopting a child because they could not have one of their own. All parties involved, including extended family, thought this would be a great decision for my sister and her husband to adopt my younger sister's baby. This is an unusual case, but it made the decision to adopt much "easier" for my younger sister because she knew the couple who would be the baby's parents. That baby is now 14 years old and is a joy to our entire family, including her "Aunt" who is actually her "birth mother"! And there were no secrets kept, as she grew older and could understand, she was given the information. I can remember her as a toddler, when her mommy would ask her where she came from, she would say "Aunt Bekah's tummy," and then she would ask her, "And whose baby are you?" she would smile and say, "Mommy's!" This may seem weird to some, but I think this is one of the most beautiful adoption stories I have ever heard and I love that I am a part of it as extended family.
This same little sister is now in a predicament a few years beyond what you are in right now. She got married and they had a son, then a few years later, she separated from him and was staying with another guy. She got pregnant, was still married to her husband, and didn't know what to do. I had hoped back then that she might go back to her husband (he's not perfect, but he is a good guy), but she didn't. She decided to stay with this other guy and divorce her husband. This "other guy" didn't work out either, they just split after nearly 4 years together. And she has two sons who have experienced the pain of separation from their fathers. She is now talking to her first husband and I wonder if they might work things out.
My husband is also a Marine, so I know a little bit about the caliber of men that go into the Marine Corps, and how they feel about life and the world when they get out. But if you think there is still hope for you and your husband, I highly encourage you to pursue that possibility. He is, after all, probably the only Father that your son knows, even if he is not his "natural" father. And if you decided to keep the baby you are now carrying, and raise the baby together, the baby could have a stable home life, even if the baby's birth father wanted to be involved. You have to make a decision you can be comfortable with, and I just hope this response, along with all the others, will help you to make the best decisions for you, your son and this new little one. My heart goes out to you and I am praying for you.

I am sorry to hear that you are so irresponsiable. Your poor husband is trying to do what is right and you disrespect him like this, and then ask for help. I think you need to slow down and think things through before you act. Remember, this unborn baby doesn't deserve to be aborted. He/She is just caught in the middle of your mistake. Don't make him/her pay for your mistake. You made the choice to mot move with your husband. Please start thinking of you children, instead of you "aging alone." These poor kids are caught up in a world of hurt, and you are thinking about yourself. Again, you should start thinking before you act.

Hi L.:

I know this is your decision alone but I just wanted give you some information. I am an adoptive mother who thanks God every day that some wonderful birth mother choose to give up her child to me instead of terminating his life. Please please consider adoption! It is a win win situation. Best wishes to you, M.

wow...you have a lot of responses to read through. there are so many angles to this problem. let me see if i can break it down for you. first off, are you planning to divorce your husband? if not, do you think what you have with him can be repaired? also, do you think he would be open to working it out with you & raising this baby as his own? one lesson about marriage that i have learned is COMMITMENT. you made the grown up decision to commit to this man & yet, didn't go with him... i don't understand that. anyway, what's done is done on that end. only YOU know if you would be willing to go to that other state where he is & try to work it out,taking your son & keeping this baby. to me, that would be the best option. now, onto the boyfriend. don't forget, this is HIS child, too! you said that he wanted you to keep it. true, it IS your body, but think how helpless HE feels knowing that he cannot stop you from aborting HIS child that HE WANTS. this would be the same if you decide to put the baby up for adoption. since the boyfriend knows you are pregnant, HE has to agree to the adoption as well (and i'm surprised no one has mentioned this here). also, you said you were having "problems" with the boyfriend. i wonder what they are...? some "problems" can be fixed, you know? but things like name calling or violence of any kind (towards you OR your son) cannot. i know at 24, "problems" can be something as little as arguing about going out too much with his friends, etc... also, don't forget that the boyfriend may have told HIS family members of this situation & you could potentially hurt THOSE people (grandparents of the baby) if you abort. maybe THEY would be open to adopting the child or helping the boyfriend care for him/her. on a personal note, let me tell you about my abortion 16 yrs ago when i was 22. i was engaged, got pregnant, told my fiance, & he wanted me to abort the baby since "we couldn't afford it" & we were "too young". we were to be married one month later. that should have been my first clue when it came to him...i had the abortion. i cried as they put me under, and i was crying when the nurses woke me up to keep me quiet because i was "disturbing the other girls" in the recovery room. i have NEVER gotten over it. i don't think about it everyday, but i do think about it from time to time & i always have sadness in my heart. i wish that i was as strong of a girl back then as i am now. i since have divorced that man & am now married w/2 kids (boy 11yrs & girl 4 months). i have asked for forgiveness from God & believe that i HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN. HE knows what's in my heart...now, i didn't have children before that, but YOU DO have a child now & i just can't imagine that you would even THINK of doing that - but i am not you & (luckily for me) not in your position - so i hold no judgement against you. if you do divorce, can you make it work with the boyfriend? TRY, TRY, TRY to keep the baby. if you are a single mom with 2 kids, it's NOT the end of the world, honey. you would find a way to do it, believe me. there are many resources and friends/family that would rally around you to help. also, on a final note......DO NOT tell your little boy about any of this now. if you DO abort, that would be too much for his little heart & mind to handle. If you go the adoption route, that would be hard for him, too (if he knew there was a baby inside your tummy, and then you gave it away,he may think you might give HIM away too, ya know?). if you decide to adopt, i would just tell your boy (ONLY if he asks about your belly) that "mommy's eating too much junk food", or something like that. you can always discuss it with him when he gets older & then let HIM decide if he would like to find his brother or sister. good luck to you, L.. you and your children will be in my prayers.

My hope is that you have now learned from your challenges and can put your best foot forward for your future. My suggestion is that since you have already found yourself pregnant, turn it into a positive for someone else who would lovingly accept your baby and offer it a bright and wonderful future. Take the challenge and turn it into a potential terrific life and learning opportunity for you and your future child. There are terrific families out there looking to adopt. My guess is that your medical expenses would be covered and then you could offer this baby to a loving home and offer the baby a wonderful future while you can still care for and love your child. My guess is that there are adoption places that can offer you advice and counseling to help you move forward and perhaps make better choices that can help your future instead of further challenging it.

Best wishes on your future choices.

Hi L.,

My heart goes out to you, and I can feel your pain and confusion from your letter. Please know that you are not alone! There are many pregnancy support centers in your area that are available to give you all kinds of services to help you through your pregnancy, and to provide help with your current relationship. I found a website on-line that gives a list of different support groups. Following is the link:

http://www.christianexaminer.com/CEYP%20Ministry/CEYP_pre...

God has a purpose for everything that happens in our lives. I know that is hard to believe when you feel like the world is falling apart around you. I know - I've been there, L..

I have a 13 1/2 month old son, and he has outgrown all of his newborn clothes, carseat, basinette....the list goes on and on of things I have accumulated over the last two years. I have been looking for someone to give all of these things to, but I haven't been successful. I think now that is because God has been waiting for you and I to connect. I would love to make a trip down to Vista to bring you these things to help out. I know it is only a start, but you will find that with God's help, all of your needs and the needs of your children will be met. Just put your trust in Him. He loves you, and He wants to help you if you'll give Him that chance.

If you are interested, respond back to me, and I'll send you a private message with my phone #, so we can set a date/time to connect.

My prayers will be with you, and I hope to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Jen

Asking God to hold on to the precious gift that you are sending back to his arms to protect, and asking him to send your gift back when your ready isnt such a bad thing. go with your heart and dont let others judgments make your decisions for you. Either way Gods got your back and the angels never leave you. :)

Hi L., You do have a big problem, but it can be worked out. Allow me to talk to you, like I would if you were my daughter, I have a son who is 24. Please do not get rid of your baby, babies are from God weather it was planned or not. I know at 24 you don't want to be alone, but there are many things to full fill hearts besides men. Only you know why you took on another man while you were still married, but let me tell you a little story, I an't mention any names cause that would be gossip, but I have a friends who is 39, just had a baby last November, proble is sjw was and is not married to the babies dad, nor do they get a long, here's the kicker this is her 7th baby no marriage, she had a baby when she was 16, didn't learn, sjhe slep with another man who she was not married to, and had another baby,3 years after the first, then she slept with another man that was not her husband got pregnant had another baby 2 years after the last, then she slept yet with another man she was not married to, got pregnat, had another baby, then she slept with another man, got pregnant, this one married her, and went on to live 7 years in misery, brought yet another baby into this already disfuntional family, seperated fromj her husband, hgad an afair with a married man, got pregnant, had an abortion, divorced her husband, went to a club met yet another man and now she has a 7 month baby, no husband, don't let this happen to you, learn from your first mistake, Honesly you should have moved with your husband. In 1991 my husband got orders to go to Sasebo Japan, at first I was not going to go, I had never flown, I had never been out of the State of California,
but as time went on I had to realize, that this was not just about me, I had a 20 month old little girl, a 3 and a half year old son, and a 6 and a half year old son, so we went, we didn't know where we were going to live, didn't know where our son was going to go to school, nothing, but my heart was, right, wrong or indifferent families stay together, and to this day I am so thankful that God put it on my heart to think that way. I know this probably will sound old fashion to you but, what you are going through right now is a big reason why you don't live or sleep with someone you are not married to. It will be hard but you can do it, you can be a mom to both your kids, that baby you are carring in your son's baby brother or sister, that baby did not ask to be concieved, but you now ow that baby life, you may get a lot of advice to have an abortion, I pray you don't listen to it,
a lot o women who go through it are emotionally scared for life, it's not moraly right, and this is what I would tell you if you were my daughter, Is your mom in your life, and if so would she be supportive to you? If it was my daughter, I would support her every step of the way, I would be angry and dissapointed with her bahavior, but I would be there for her. If you would like to talk to me further my e-mail is ____@____.com J.

Hi L.,
I am sorry to hear you are in this situation. I am also a single mother of a soon to be 3yr old. I am also 24!
I dont know where to start, I guess maybe telling you what I would do in this situation. Many times I have put this scenario in my head, I would totaly try to prevent this from happening again (having another unplanned pregnancy) but hey it happens even if you try to be as safe as possible. I now have a kid and know that is true what they tell you before you have the baby... your life will change completely... I guess I knew it would but never thought it would be to this extent. I have to admit my daughter has made me happy and I would not change having her for anything else in this worl, she is my life and the love of my life. I also know that is has been hard, its not easy not having the support of that other person, not only financialy but emotionally. I now know that if I ever brought another baby to this world it would be once I have a stable relationship and can offer the new baby everything it deserves. I mean Its weird because I know how gratifiying having a baby is but to be honest I would not have another one in this situation. In your situation, obviously you have a gut feeling that thisgs will not work out with this new guy and unfortunately even if it does take two to make a baby.... you and I know all the responsibility of that baby falls on only one... and most of the time its on the woman. I think only you know what you need to and want to do. I just wish you would learn from your mistakes and take some action. Remember you not only need to look out for your well being but most importantely for the well being of your kid. PLease think as a Mom before you think like a woman,your kids future is in your hands. I am not trying to judge you but please put all these things into prespective. Please email me if you want to talk more about this or anything else. We seem to have alot of things in common. Hope to hear back from you soon

Dear L.,
What a beautiful name you have! I know that it feels like the world is crashing down around you. I have been through seasons just like that. There were nights and nights when I couldn't sleep because my heart was pounding so hard and all the confusing thoughts were rushing through my head. Take a deep breath and imagine where you would like to be in 12-months. Focus on that. Realize that this day will pass. This season will change. There will be a life after this and you can be happy again. There are so many people that will be there to help you if you will reach out. Please, please do! Is there a local church you can contact? I adopted my daughter six years ago. She is precious to me and my husband and we couldn't love her more. She is talented and beautiful and we are devoted to her and to her future. I know that God has wonderful plan for her life just as he has a plan for the baby growing inside you but he also has a plan for you. Sometimes we try to solve our own problems, our own way. I pray that you will turn this one and your life over to God and let him lift you up and work this out for you. Please L., get help today. You can change your life.

Hi L.,
It sounds to me like you already know that keeping this child is not the best decision for you. Though I don't consider myself "pro-life" you said yourself that the thought of abortion breaks your heart, so why not consider adoption? There are a ton of people out there desperate for children. You also may want to take a good hard look at some of the choices you've made particularly with regards to the men in your life. Your chief focus should be your existing child with taking care of yourself a close second. You didn't say what you were going to school for, but keep working toward that goal for you and your son. Don't let this latest "set back" throw you off course from what's best for the both of you. Best of luck!

L.,

Hello,
I am sad to hear about the situation that you find yourself in. Please do not have an abortion!!!
I am a married mother of two, my second one is adopted because I could not have any more children, please find out other options, leave him at the hospital. Give someone a chance to adopt him or her.
And I am sorry to say this to you, but have made wrong choices, but it looks like you want to mend you ways. Please think not once or twice or three times about what you are getting involved with or whom.

Good luck and pray for some guidance from God.

C.

you are very young and confused and will now have to make some difficult dscisions. You should have never started another relationship before closure with your husband. And of course should have been more careful about protection so you would not have gotten pregnant again. You need to talk to someone you can trust and make the decision that is right for you, your son and especially the unborn baby. Please dont make a hasty decision with an emotionally anxiety filled heart.
I wish you the best of luck.

I would recommend that you pray to God and ask for strength to do the right thing. God is a forgiving God, but we are held accountable to our sins (mistakes). You know that you were married when you laid down with a man and had unprotected sex. You may have to take a chance of being alone, but God is a good Provider and Friend. And God will allow a "real, christian man" to come into your life and love and support you and your children. We have all made mistakes and I am a witness that they have made me a stronger woman of God, wiser and humble. Plus I want to encourage you that if you do the right thing it will all work out. God bless.

Hi L.,

I see you've already gotten this response...but please consider adoption before an abortion. There are SO many people out there desperate to be parents and can't have their own children...and it sounds like you are in a tough situation. There are so many resources nowadays...and you can be involved in the entire process and even hand pick out the parents. This is giving your baby the best you can now...and what a truly loving and selfless act, not only for you, but for your child and the opportunity to make another woman's dreams come true!! The sooner you start the process, the sooner you can possibly get medical and financial help from the prospective parents too.

Good luck and God Bless :)

Hi L.. This choice is so personal. But if you are going to have an abortion, sooner is better. I had an abortion at 7 weeks and it was actually disturbingly easy. I thought it would be a much bigger deal, but it was quick, didn't hurt, and the mild bleeding afterwards was far less than a period. The emotional side is harder. You carry thoughts of your unborn child forever. However, sometimes it is the right choice. You have to consider the child you already have -- are there enough resources for him? Will it be destabilizing for him to have to share you, the one solid person in his life? At least those are the types of questions I would be asking myself. If you do go forward with the abortion, you will have your son to hold afterward to get through the sadness. So hold him tight and then work hard to bring more structure and security to your life so you won't have to make this choice again. Whatever you do, try not to beat yourself up. You're a good person. This has happened to many, many women before you. Everyone has hard choices to make and life does come with some sadness and struggle. My heart goes out to you.

Well, I can say first of all ..you're begining to see that there are people who will listen to your problems and try to help you....And you did this by reaching out to others...All of us have at some time in their lives had to walk through a lot of s--t...before we get to the other side where life is so much better...
Ask your self a few questions...Can you give the new baby up for adoption...to a loving home with parents who can give the child a lot of love, attention and a good education...?
How important is this new man (expectant father) in your life...Is he willing to marry you if you divorce your husband and support you and both children?
Do you have a support network of level headed people..?If not.. think of ways you can make friendships with these types of people..there are neighbors; churches, schools, volunteer organizations...
You seem to lead with your heart alot...
Someone once told me...You have a choice of deciding something by two means....One is your head and the other one is your heart...They said it's best to choose the organ that has the brain.
Also remember you can't hold a man with sex...Hold up your head and remember you are worth so much more than that.
You may want to get down on your knees and thank God each day for what you have and ask Him to guide you as you keep your head held high.
Remember people can't walk all over you like a door mat... if you don't lay down..
And last, ...when you become a much older woman....what will your children say about you...that makes them proud?

Good Luck and God Bless you and your Family
A.J.

Hi, L.,

I don't know if you have any religious beliefs, but if you do, pray, pray, pray! God won't fix our messes, and He doesn't always give the answer we want, but he ALWAYS hears and will ALWAYS send some sort of help.

If your current boyfriend is VERY sure he wants the baby, will he consider taking full custody when the baby is born? Does he have a job and a place (of his own) to stay, so he can take care of the baby? If he isn't prepared to take on full time Dad responsibilities, and you don't feel able to take on full time Mom responsibilites, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE consider putting the baby up for adoption! That's NOT just an option for teenagers or losers, it's God's way of answering the prayers of someone who desperately, desperately wants a baby and is waiting and hoping, and praying, every day, for someone unselfish enough to give them that opportunity. It may be that God sent someone else's child to you, and is hoping that you will be His instrument in delivering this baby to the baby's parents.

For yourself, please consider some counseling to find out why you think all men will eventually disappoint or abandon you. I'm sure there's very real reasons for feeling that way, but counseling can help you in so many ways. You'll be happier and a better mom. A good counselor will help you identify good and bad patterns in your life, and give you a better chance of seeing early warning signs if a guy is wrong for you. They'll also help you see that you are worthwhile and you deserve the very best, so when a great guy who is worthy of the love of you and your son comes along, you'll know how to build a lasting relationship.

Remember that children have no say in who you bring in and out of their lives, and your child is depending on you to make good choices, every day. Think of your son before yourself.

Good luck! God bless!

Only you can make this choice. Whatever you decide, it was the right one for you and don't let anyone else make you feel bad about yourself.

My only advice would be please stay in school no matter what you decide. Taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for your son. Women always need to be reminded that doing what's right for them is not being selfish, it's being caring to everyone in your life. On airplanes they always need to remind mothers to put the air mask on themselves first before assisting their children. Think about that. If you put the mask on the child and then you lose conciousness - what good are you? Take care of yourself, treat yourself with love and respect. Maybe take some time alone so you can make better choices in men:-)

L.:
Have you heard of open adoption? You can have the baby and give it to a wonderful family that you help choose. They can keep in touch with pictures, phone calls, and even visits if you would like. You are only 24 years old and need a chance to grow up and pick the right man for your life. Look in the yellow pages I'm sure there is someone who can help you make the best choice for you and your baby and your son right now.

L.,

Abortion is not your only option if you feel you cannot give this baby a home it deserves. There are so many wonderful women out there that are dying to have a baby and cannot, and through adoption, you could make their lives so much happier. Personally, I would go through with the pregnancy and give the baby up for adoption. I believe that you'll find there's even some couples that will pay the medical bills for you so they can have that child. Good luck and I hope you make the decision that is right for you.

Kara

Hey Girl,
Wow! I am also a Marine Corps Wife. I understand that seperation from your husband is super hard but if you love him it is worth everything you have to go through in the Military life. With me personally, I have always believed that life is the best choice. A baby can be a true blessing. If at this moment in time the baby is not a blessing for you then it can be a blessing for other people. There are alot of couples out there that cannot have babies and are looking to adoption. Just search your heart. Ultimately it is up to you and your husband. If you just looked to this other guy for comfort since you are seperated remind yourself that that is all it is and distance yourself from him. I know how hard it is with the lonely factor trust me. My man is a grunt and almost always on deployment but he is worth the heartache. Only you can know how you feel. Hope that this has helped you Girl. Take care and Semper Gumby Always,
M.

Dear L.,

I have some questions for you. Did you plan to move with your husband when he became stable? Or did you consider yourself divorced when he left? Why would you allow another man (boy)to stay with you? Sounds like he can not provide for you and your son either. You need to ask yourself every time you need to make a decision, "Will this decsion help me or hurt me and my son?" You have a very difficult decision to make and there is no easy way out. If you decide to have the baby, you don't have to stay in a bad relationship with the father. You do need to tell you boyfriend to move out because he is not helping you if he is causing you grief. If he needs to live with you because he has no place to live, then what does that say to you? It says, he needs you for a place to live. Bottom Line. First, Tell him to move out. If he loves you he will try to make the relationship better. Second, Make your decision about the baby. Third, Bring closure to your marriage (file for divorce or work it out with you husband). Last, Put you and your son first. You need time to really get to know your mate before you get into this situation again. You definitely have a PATTERN. And remember, a GOOD relationship requires WORK.

Seek counseling.

Hi L.,

Hang in there sweetie. Life is not easy. You are blessed to have a beautiful family. Don't put ANY energy towards worrying about the future. Just trust God and everything will work out. I was married for 2 years and have been separated for 4 years (my son is 5) and my divorce should be final any day. Listen to your heart - you know what is best for you. Get your divorce if you feel that is whats best. Have that baby if your heart tells you to. I listened to my heart and did not have that abortion and my son is the best part of my life. Do not expect for bad things to happen to you because what I have learned over the past few years is that whatever you set your mind on you will get - good or bad. I have had more than my share of bad times but things get better! Keep going to school! I am in school also. I have a fiance and we have our problems but just because you and your boyfriend have problems does not mean it will not work out. In my opinion, the ability to get past/work out problems makes for a very satisfying relationship. Remember to communicate openly with your boyfriend and most importantly keep a positive mental attitude! God bless - I will keep you in my prayers.

AMP

My Dear L.,

I don't believe this 3rd guy is gonna stick around for this one. You might consider adoption. Raising two small children on your own is going to be really difficult. Do you have any family to rely on? If not try to do the best for this unborn baby and give him/her a chance to have a more stable family structure. Focus on your 3 yr old keep going to school (finish). You must make a decision about your current husband. PLEASE, PLEASE focusing on your child now is no longer about YOU. YOU brought this child into a world of uncertanty is your responsabilty to make his life as stable and loving as possible that measns stay away from people that are not going to hang around. You can not keep having men going in and out of his life. You are raising a man teach him how to treat women with respect and love. Keep your nose on the ball and please for God's sake stop getting pregnant.

Dear L.,

I happen to volunteer at a pregnancy counseling center in the SFV. Please DO NOT get an abortion. It will eventually only exacerbate your problems, especially emotionally. ABORTION is KILLING your baby. Any other way of wording the termination of a pregnancy is still the same. Death of a baby. Keep the baby. Please contact the pregnancy counseling center and they will help you in all your needs. THINGS WILL WORK OUT. Do the right thing and it will be okay. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO RESPOND TO ME ANY TIME AND I WILL HELP YOU THROUGH THIS.

P.

L.,

The fact of the matter is you have two children already...one just isn't born yet.

You can do this - you are obviously a smart girl - you knew to come to this site and ask for advice and help. Do you have any family? Can you move in with your parents, a sibling, an aunt...anyone? Ask for help and accept it. Have this baby, love both your kids and work HARD to get yourself into a better situation.

This baby isn't a burdon to you, it is a gift - you never know what he/she may become. We all struggle, in our own way - yes you are young, yes you've made some mistakes - who hasn't! You aren't alone, but make changes now and start preparing for this baby.

Maybe this baby is coming to you because you needed a wake up call - you never know, this baby might be what changes your life for the better, forever.

Hang in there - I'll say a prayer for you that you come to peace with having this baby and that all ends well.

First of all pray about it. Don't rule out adoption. There are many families who would love another little one who can offer the stability you may not feel you can provide. I have a good friend who was unable to have children. They have been married for 10 years with no luck. They have just adopted 2 children and are so happy.

Have you considered adoption? There are many couples who are not able to have their own child, who really would like to be loving parents. If you are unable to raise a second child on your own, this would make another family ecstatic. This is just a thought for your situation.

PS- If you want a child later in life, abortion can really mess things up for you. I have a friend in this situation, and now she really regrets her past decision because now she can't get pregnant. She is currently going for IVF, and thus far, has had no luck.

L.,
I am a teacher and a mom as well. I think you need some professional counceling. It sounds like you are doing some real soul searching and you need to speak to someone who can really help you. If you CANNOT raise this second child, there are many people who would love to give it a home. Many people cannot have babies themselves. You know how you feel about abortion, go with your heart.

Dear L.,
My heart goes out to you. You do not have an easy decision either way, but my thought is that piling things on top of one another is not good for you. I think you would feel better to clear up the past (your husband) and make sure your son is taken care of before launching into raising another child with another man. If you can manage to go someplace quiet out in nature for a day or more- I think it would help you get in touch with Spirit to make the best decision for yourself. I have several friends who are aching to have another child and the only way for them will be through adoption. So know that you could make another family very happy if that is the path you choose.
Blessings,
S.

I know this has got to be tough on you but I think you should keep your baby. I have a cousin who had an abortion more than 10 yrs ago and it still bothers her today. If you have an abortion it may do the same for you to and i don't want anyone to go throught that. Just because your raising your son by yourself doesn't mean it will happen with this child too. You never know but in the end you're never alone. God is always with you. He'll never put you through something you can't handle. If you ever need someone to talk to i'm here just send me a message. I hope this message helped :)

Hi! I think you should contact your HUSBAND and see how stable he is, and if he is stable, do you still want a divorce?? Would he take you back, pregnant with another man's baby?. You said you are having problems with your new man, is he hurting you?, mentally or physically? If he is, by all means, get away! Abortion should be your last choice. Contact your husband, and see how he is first, if he is any kind of MAN or FATHER, he would want to hear from your son that was in his life for a year and a half. Your son deserves the chance to have you two together, he is all your son most likely remembers. Talk with your husband first since you are still legally binded to this man. Go with your gut, on this other guy, it sounds a bit like a rebound guy. You can't/shouldn't let your son grow up without a man that has been in his life and now poof gone, because you two didn't have it right, it has only been a few months. You're far too young to possibly raise two kids on your own. Give all this serious thought, kids are a huge expense! Is the new guy willing to accept your son, and help you raise him as well as possibly a new child of his own blood?? These are serious questions and they require serious thought, it's NOT all about YOU!! Do you have family to talk with? I think you made a great choice posting your message, and I think you will get a lot of responses saying the same thing, think this all through VERY carefully!! Good luck Adoption is a great choice too! You will need to talk with all parties involved old guy/new guy....

First i suggest talking to some one who knows you and could let you know how they think it will effect you.. Second I'd say you need to have a serious talk with you husband let him know what is going on and being an ex- marine he's seen all the situations around him this i'm sure of and see if maybe he would want to tough it out with you and the new baby.. And I got to say people seem to be jumping all over over Abortion but truley it is your choice and if you choose it as your only way then so be it.. These people are not your maker and only you and your believes know your out come ( I beleive everything can be forgiven )... And last of all I have to say dump the guy especially if he is problems..And maybe try to be by your self if you get divorced for a year and get to know you before you jump into a relationship again because you've already stated that You have a boy and he needs you to take care of him

Life hasn't been bad to you , you have been bad to yourself not thinking of yourself and then your child when you had him. He is only three and has already had 3 men in his life. Even though his natural father is not around he will always think of who he is and be part of his being. Then your husband and know your boyfriend. I watch 2 children that have been adopted and they have the most blessed life the mother of the first was a teen the second was your story I look at that child and wonder how very different her life would be had her mother not loved her enough to give her a better life (and life it self) and love her first child enough to know she could not do that to him to make his life worse then it already was. I am so happy to hear that you are going to school. Your child should be your top priority for the next 15 years how can you find the time to date if you are going to school and have a small child. Your #1 job should be making a better life for yourself and your son. We only get one shot. If you focus on both of you having a better life which doesn't include different men coming in and out of both your lives you will see that life isn't so bad. You create your situations. May you and your son begin to have a blessed life and you make the best choice in your heart for your new baby.

HI Liz,

The reality of life is you are not equipped to take care of these 2 children....having 2 kids with different fathers without the stability of marriage (a good one) is not fair to these children... I can't tell you what to do.. If i were in your situation I would:

1. not let any guy move in or around my 3 yr old untill I was certain of a strong future with this person..and be completely divorced.
2. Close the chapter with your son's father or figure things out.
3. Get an education, be independent, so you can be a better role model for your son, so he doesn't end up making the same mistakes or worse. He is already going to have a challenge, being raised by a single, working mother.
4. If its not working out with this man you are dating, and pregnant with, end it. Move on! Check your self esteem, insecurities, get strong!! Then the right man, will enter your life, you will attract a better quality father figure and husband material.

Remember, you and your son are a package deal...DONT SETTLE!!

Get an EDUCATION (your spelling is terrible!!)

Life is not EASY, WORK HARDER, do better, Say "I can" "I will do better" you OWE this to your son..

Been there,

Good Luck!!

Wow. You are in a difficult place. You sound like a smart woman and that you know how hard it is to raise a child on your own. Whether or not to terminate a pregancy, IF the father will sign away his rights, is a tough decision. I have adopted 2 children and know what an amazing gift you can give another woman, but you know your situation the best. You know your hopes and dreams for you and your son. You are correct not to trust that your boyfriend will help you raise this baby. In this country will still have the right to Choose. Look at adoption options (adoptive parents will cover all of your costs), if that won't work then make your choice. I made the same choice a long time ago and it was difficult, but I made the right choice for me.

I can empathize with your situation. Although, I'm happily
married, I have a sister who is a single mother of three boys, all with different fathers. It hasn't been easy for her but she says those boys are what she lives for. She works hard to give them what she can. I don't want to judge you in any way, I just wanted to share my sister's story. If it helps, when my sister was stressed or down and out, I'd always tell her God only gives you what you can handle even if it seems that you won't be able to. In the end, it has made her a more responsible person because she has her kids to think about. NOUR/LV

Honestly no one can tell you what to do. That is a very personal decison that you have to make yourself. You need to do whats best for you and your son. I can say that I am a very firm beliver in the saying that "everything happens for a reason". You just need to figure out what that reason is. I wish you the best of luck in your decision, just remember the decison is yours!

Dear L.,
You do have a BIG problem!!!
Did not your current Boyfriend have a place of his own when
both of you decided to live together?
Isn't he employed??
MY GUESS TO BOTH QUESTIONS IS (sadly) NO.

My dear, you are so young, why not terminate this pregnancy?
Abortion may "look" graphically horrifying BUT,
A Child born into this starving-over-populated world is EVEN MORE horriffic!

Try a look at a web site of: "The World Clock" but especially-
"The Food Clock" calculated by a Man named:

Peter Russell his address is:
____@____.com

Have a look at The Food Crisis, You (I'm certain), will be
blown away! As well as be able to
See my justifications for advising termination of pregnancy.
I Truly Wish You All The Best,

C. S.

L.,

You are the only one who can decide what is right for your situation. No matter what I say, or anyone else says, the decision must be yours. I urge you to seek counsel though - is there a couseling office at your school, for example? Do you have an OB-Gyn you trust? Can we (me and other Mamasource Moms) give you some phone numbers to call? You need to get lots of information quickly, and then to think through all the options that are available to you. You'll need to make a careful and considered decision.

Abortion is a difficult decision to make but a real option for many women. Educate yourself about this option without hysterics or militancy on either side of the issue. Also, how pregnant you are will affect this option in a big way.

Adoption (giving the child up at birth) is an alternate decision that solves your long term worries about future parenting, but you must commit the time between now and the delivery date to keep healthy and strong. Contact an adoption agency, and you can arrange for the baby to bring joy and happiness to a couple who have not been able to conceive (I am an adoptive mother - I know this great joy first-hand). There is usually both medical and some financial help available. I personally would be willing to take on another child - and I know of many, many couples who would also.

Be kind to yourself - we don't always find ourselves in happy circumstances, but we can work on making steps in a positive direction for the future - in your case, for you and your son.

I wish for you the very best

Hi L.,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. And I hope that this isn't offensive to you. But I have been saving a note from another friend who is trying to help HER friends. I thought I would pass it along to you as a possible option. See below...

Please don't be offended. I come from a place of kindness and compassion. I wish you luck in your journey.

Dear Friends & Family,

My close friends, John and Loren Halleran, are hoping to adopt a child through open adoption. They are very special people and I am very excited for them to embark upon this journey. If you know of anyone who might be interested, I would appreciate it if you would pass on the information below. A major component of open adoption is networking and "getting the word out," so please pass this along to any groups that might be appropriate (e.g. youth groups, church, temples, teen clinics, etc).

John and Loren are eager to discuss what open adoption is and how it works, as is their agency, The Independent Adoption Center.

Their contact info. is:

website address: http://web.mac.com/thehallerans
toll-free number: 1.800.570.8759
email: ____@____.com
independent adoption center's website: http://www.adoptionhelp.org
independent adoption center's number: 1.800.877.OPEN (6736)

Thank you in advance for helping John and Loren complete their family!

have you thought about adoption? Many couples out there would love to raise a baby from birth.
Also, just a little background... I have 2 little boys who both have dfferent dads. My oldest son's father hasn't been around for just about his entire 9 years and my youngest sons dad comes around once a year for a visit. Its hard sometimes, and it sucks being the perpetual single mom, but it gets better as long as you have the vision to make it better.
If you need anything else let me know

L.,

You have been swamped with advice! I want to just encourage you. You have a precious boy that needs you, it's time to focus. There is no shame in adopting out this new baby. His father and you can choose the parents and have the option of an open adoption where you will get pictures and even see the child from time to time. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! If you are in the South Bay area and need resources I would be glad to help. Just send me a message!

Marcy

First off I would settle things with your husband. It isn't fair what he is going to have to go through knowing not only that you are having an affair but is also pregnant because of it. Legally you have an obligation to get a divorce(especially if the love isn't there anymore), and determined the visitation right with him. Hopefully his anger and/or resentment towards you will not affect his affection and quality time with his son. In the process you should have an indepth conversation with the new man and father of your current situation. If he loves you and wants you to have the child it is worth makeing it work. I know you can't just forget what happened the first time around, but on the other hand don't cut your losses so soon. For the sake of you unborn child you owe them that chance. Truthfully if you can't handle the fact of an abortion but only feel that is the way out and go through with it you will be haunted by it for the rest of your life. When push comes to shove I'm sure you will survive if you had to be a single parent with two children. There are many government programs to help you along until you find a stable, well making job (going to school is a great start!) I know writing this is so much more simplier that doing it. My mom was a single parent with two girls, eventually a son later and got screwed over by both my father and my brother's father, but she survived and I love her so much for all her sacrifices. Unfortunately our fathers had nothing to do with us physically, emotionally, and financially. We turned out perfectly normal, and adore our mother. Remember this stage of your life will pass as well, pray if your religious and go with your gut. Try to see the positive side of the situation to keep you going. You do have a wonderful son, you have a man willing to work with you (go to counseling if possible). You have another miracle growing inside you, which your son would probably adore. You are bettering yourself by going to school, so your thinking of you and your son future. I'm sure there's more so don't let the hard situation make you overlook the great ones you will have ahead. Wishing you the best.

I saw that someone else suggested this as well so just wanted to add the same: Get yourself some support and contact Planned Parenthood. They are excellent at providing free advice on all of your available options, and working with you to enable you to make the right decision for YOU. Please don't feel pressure to do one or the other from any of us on this site- your request is a serious one and requires the input and help from an educated professional- not from those of us out here with strong opinions on abortion, adoption and everything else.

Your decision will impact you, not us. So please go find some dedicated people experienced in this exact situation and see if they can't help you find answers. Good luck.

Adoption, of course! Give your baby the best possible life. And at the same time, give a family the best possible gift. Only the smartest and strongest women can make such an unselfish and loving decision - be one of them.

Dear L.:

Have you thought of giving your baby up for adoption. I am currently fostering a 8 month old baby that I am hoping to adopt. There are so many alternatives to abortion and knowing you are giving your child the life and chance you may not be able to may help. Of course the dad may have to sign a release. Most women repeat their mistakes by dating the same type of guy. Become your own women and the best mom you can be and the right guy will come your way. Focus on being the best you can be as a mom and take care of who you are as a women. Respect yourself and love yourself and others will too. Dont' look at what you have done as a mistake just as a stepping stone to a learning experience. We all make them its what we do with our mistakes that help us grow and mature. Good luck. I will keep you in my prayers. My sister was a single mom, I know its not easy, but she made it through raising an honor student and is now married with a second baby and has a great home.

When I was your age I found out that I was going to have baby. I was not married, I didn't have a place of my own, I didn't have a job to support me let alone a baby. The day I found out I known that it was not right for me to bring a baby in to this world that I was not ready for. Every day you read about women that had babies when they were not ready to be a mother. You know what it's like you already had a baby too young. You need to think about the baby you have and the one that is on they way. I believe that our babies should not pay for our mistakes. So if you feel that you would be making the same mistakes twice than don't. Than don't have this baby. IF you believe that this baby will make you change your life than have the baby. What ever you do make sure that you are the one making the choice you are the one that is going to be there in the end to live with it. Even if you don't have this baby change your life. I hope this helps.

Hi L.,

You need to go to a therapist (there are those who charge a sliding scale if necessary). No one but you can make such a decision because, whatever you decide you have to be comfortable with the decision. A therapist can help you come to the decision that is right for you. The therapist can also help you get your life in better shape because this pregnancy is only one of your problems.

V.

First of all, congrats! You're doing so well already that, that right there is awesome start. If you can take care of your son w/o any help from the father then right now girl! Not many women can stand up for themselves. Glad to see you don't need a man!
Now, my first thing I would suggest is, to sit down w/ new guy and talk about it. Seriously talk about it! Not who wants to have the baby or should we keep it? But let him know how things ended up the first time. Let him know that this is hard for you. Don't just take it upon yourself. It takes two!
As for your old guy, honey I think it's time for you to call it quits. Do you guys speak to each other (at all)? Do you have any other emotions for him? Whats the deals?
In this kind of love situation it's hard. but you can't live two lives. Does new guy know about old guy? Sorry if it sounds all Dear Abby. But seriously, you know what they say... the longer you wait, the more it'll hurt!

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time.
I don't mean to come on strong, and please forgive me if I do. But have you thought about adoption? I'm an adoptive mom of 2 precious angels and I thank their birthmothers every day for giving them life and choosing to give them a family since they were not able to raise them by themselves.
It sounds like abortion is not an option for you (I'm thankful for that!)and yet raising him yourself is giving you questions too. I think it would help to talk to someone and it's good you're reaching out.

I might see if in your area you have a crisis pregnancy center or talk to someone at a church perhaps and they can point you in the right direction. They can talk to you about all your options, whether it be to raise him on your own (and they help with suppport), adoption, etc. Have you also thought about talking to your husband and see how he feels and if a reconciliation is possible?

If you're around Ventura County, I can point out some resources for you.

God bless you in your decision.

I have a feeling you're going to get major scolding here in the responses. I will just tell you my past experience. When I was 22 1/2 years old, I got pregnant accidentally while using protection. I had an abortion. When I was 27 years old, I got married and had a son at almost 31 years old. I got divorced and remarried at 40 years old and had a daughter at 45 years old, a miracle! I went through 3 miscarriages, probably because of age. My sister had 3 abortions when she was young and single and drinking and doing drugs. She is now almost 44 years old, has 2 children from her first marriage and 1 child with her second husband. I am not a religious person but a spiritual person and I believe that God is forgiving. Do you have family to consult with and help you?

Hi L.,

Listen to your own truth. It sounds to me that you're fairly clear about not being ready to have another child. It may be helpful to explore this idea more in the presence of a non-biased, secular and licensed counselor. You mentioned you are a student. Most counseling centers offer free counseling for students. If not, low cost counseling is likely available in your community. You could "google" this option. I am not a medical professional but I don't believe having one abortion will hinder your chances of becoming pregnant later. I aborted my first pregnancy at the age of 39 for multiple, complicated reasons. I too was told that I would never again get pregnant, especially since I was older. I used birth control after the abortion because I felt guilt (I am a product of our culture and a recovering Catholic.)and because I felt a tremendous emotional loss. I stopped birth control when most factors were right. I quickly became pregnant and gave vaginal birth to my beautiful girl, with no complications, at the age of 41.
You are young! You already know the tremendous responsibility that comes with having one child. It may be best for you to create your own stability via your education and a stable career so that you never feel the need to depend on another person to give you that stability. No one can take away what is truly yours. I wish you much luck on your quest.
As a side note, and at the risk of sounding judgemental, it may be important to consider prophylactic birth control (condoms)to protect against the numerous sexually transmitted diseases you place yourself at risk for when having unprotected sex with multiple partners.

Sincerly,
E.

Listen to your heart, not the nuts who try to freak you out about abortion being evil. Yes, a child is a gift from God, but God also gifted us with free choice and rational thinking. If the dogmatic religous folks want to judge you, so be it, but don't let their thoughts keep you from exercing your right to choose. I'm old enough to be your mom, and am for years have been amazed at how everyone feels that they have the right to impose their beiefs on others. If they don't agree with abortion they don't have to have one, but others are not in a position to judge the legal choices of their peers.

This is 100 percent your choice, and it sounds to me like your reasons for not wanting to have another child are completely legitimate, and in fact, given how unstable your life is, it would not be a kindness to either you, your existing son, or the one you're pregnant with to bring another child into it. Adoption is an option, but only if you have the strength to go through with it. Also, if the dad does not agree then you will be making life hell for the adopting parents.

It sounds as thought life has been a bit of a rocky road, and if I were you I'd look for some sort of support group and therapy situation to help you get some clarity. Having men drop in and out of your life, and home, is not good for you, and is especially not good for your 3 year old. I'm certain you don't want him growing up thinking that relationships are temporary, and that women are objects to be used.

Having said all this, I'd also make sure you get yourself a good birth control program so you don't have to put yourself through this again. Best of luck!

First of all forgive yourself, you sound like you are not happy with the decisions you've made up till now. So I suggest forgive yourself first and conquer your problems one at a time. In regards to your man issue, choose the person who makes you a better person. Don't be afraid to be alone, if this isn't the person who makes you happy then find one who does. You have strength, if you have been able to raise your son alone all this time and go to school, you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit. Only you can make the decision whether or not to go through with the pregnancy. Either decision will be tough. You just have to be able to be okay with whatever you decide. But again forgiveness is key. Maybe adoption is a better option, there are plenty of agencies who have open adoptions that will allow you to know what's happening in the babies life. Continue going to school and trust your first instinct. If something doesn't feel right than avoid it. I'll pray for you to be at peace with whatever you decide and that you receive many blessings.

Hi Lisset ,
there are places you can call pregnacy center.
your situatio might not be easy right now ,but yo are not alone in it.
You are right about abortion it is bad thing to do to anybody
it is not solution for your problem .
that is a bad choice to live with it - it is harder than your
situation now .
we have to take reponsibility for our action if you can not keep the baby there are other solutions ( adaptio gives chance to child to be born not killed )
if you need some guidnece who to call i may be able to help you to get you some phone numbers .
let me know
i wish you all the best
lidia

Keep the baby. You can work and D.H.S. will help with day care and food stamps if you can't make enough. Get child support from first husband only right. And if things don't work out with second dude get it from him to. They are there kids it's only right they help support them. You can take care of both babies there is people to help you. Ask your family if they can help you with also. Family will help also just ask. But don't have an abortion please, please. there are people who love kids that can't have them. But you can keep it. If not in church go. God Loves You and he is there for you. Pray to him also, he will help you get through this. But you have to have this baby and keep it there is help for you. Don't worry about having two different dads for them. That is life now, it seems like. The baby will realize that you loved him or her by keeping him or her. And they will be proud of you. You are a special person. But church will help, that's what keeps me going. Church family can help you in many ways. So hang in there sugar it's going to be fine.

I haven't read all the other responses, but I would encourage you to take some time to talk to people in your community (planned parenthood, the healthy department, an adoption agency, etc) Get all the info before you make this very important decision. You are not commiting to anything by going to talk and get more information! Good luck.

A sweet adoption story:

My girlfriend got pregnant as a Sophmore in High School. She had the baby and returned to HS as a senior. She chose a christian "open" adoption agency. It was a tough decision, but a reasonable one for her. She married a wonderful man a year out of high school.

She had a son then 5 years later, a daughter. She received a phone call from the adoptive
mother when her first child was 13. So, she met with her child for the first time, a daughter.
They met and fell in love instantly. Her adoptive parents divorced. She stayed with her adoptive dad and kept in touch. She remained in her life though college and is now married to a man who has been studying to be a Pastor. Yes, there were hard questions to answer, but wasn't that God's plan? The gift was just extended, that's all...

I am 41 and have met many Moms who have adopted their children. Our dearest friends were on the adoption list for 3 years. To be on the list, they have to have the nursery all set up and waiting, they have inspectors come to make sure their home is safe. Then, be interviewed and chosen. They now have a newborn baby girl and we are thrilled for them!
I cannot imagine waiting for that long and having an empty crib in their house!

All the adopted parents I have met love their children like I love mine. It's a wonderful choice and a god-like gift.

Blessings to you,
M

Others will judge me for this, I know, but I believe I would also consider an abortion. It is great that you are able to care for your son and also further your education. Since you didn't mention adoption as an option and the father wants you to have the baby, it really sounds like you have a decision to make and that is going to be a very personal decision. I am anticipating all of the people who are going to say things that are going to confuse you even more. Keep yourself clear with what you CAN do, talk with your current partner and really talk about how this situation is going to be in 6 months, 1 year , 5 years, 18 years. Fear is the only limit we have in life. There are always an abundance of things to fear if you look for them. Try looking at what good can come of your decisions.

I wouldn't even think about an abortion when there are so many couples that would love to adopt your baby. If you don't feel you could care for the child, I would put the baby up for adoption. I knew someone who did have an abortion, and it has affected her emotionally. That is a huge decision and should be thought through carefully. I feel, adoption is a better route if you choose not to keep the baby.
You need to remember that the decisions you are making now effect more than just you. If it was me I would really try to figure out what I want. It's not fair to either your husband or your boyfriend to be in limbo, and now there is an innocent child who may suffer. You need to pick one or the other and stand by your decision.

I don't think anyone who has apprehensions about abortion should go through with it. If you were set on doing it that would be different but with apprehensions you will regret it and it will take a toll on your emotional well being. Sometimes you have to accept that you made a mistake and make the best of it. Adoption is an option but a hard one. Truly ask yourself if you could handle having another child to care for...could you provide a good life for the child or would the child have a better chance if it went to another loving family? You certainly could raise 2 children by yourself; many women do and the government helps.

You definitely need to get yourself some counseling because you are jumping from one bad relationship into another and that's not healthy for you or your child. You need to love yourself enough to know that you are worth more than that and deserving of a relationship with a good man. Your fear of being alone and raising your children says a lot about how you feel about yourself. You need to work on that because you will continue to have bad relationships if you don't. You aren't broken; you just need to learn how to love yourself enough to know you can handle anything that comes your way. I wish you the best.

well. to start I think you need to sit down and let the man you have been seeing what you needf and want from him. Even if the two of you don't make it he needs to be a part of this baby's life. You have to tell him the truth and what you want from him.

You also have to follow thru with this if he leaves you, you have to file papers for child support etc..

I hope it works out for you and stay strong.

Hello L.! I am happy to be able to share with you. I am a volunteer for a crisis pregnancy center. I meet women in your situation all the time. Right now you have three choices. You can parent your baby, place the baby for adoption, or as you said abort the baby.
The important thing to remember is that there is a baby, a sweet little life. If you choose to parent your baby there are pleanty of people and programs willing to help you. It won't always be easy, but i have never met a woman yet who regreted having any of thier children. Adoption is a wonderful choice. There are plenty of loving couples that are ready for a baby. They have open adoption now where you can pick the parents and meet them. It is the selfless decision. It is you saying to your baby i love you much that i will place you with a loving family who will be able to take care of you at a time when i cannot.
Should you choose abortion? Abortion is viewed as a quick fix and something you can keep as your own little secret. People say its your free choice to make, and yes they are right. But i will tell you what.....it is not a quick fix, it is a choice that carries consequences for the rest of your life. I have spoken to numerous women who have suffered from post abortion syndrom. You are right when you say you have "seen the pictures", you choose to take your babies life for whatever selfish resaons you have. I only say such words becuase i have had an abortion in my past. And i look at my reasons then, and i think now, how selfish i was. I was a single mom and did not want to have 2 kids from 2 different men, i did not want people to lable me. I took my babies life, that baby paid the consequences to my bad decisions. I felt horrible for years, not right away of coures. At first i was relived, but that relief was short lived. I assume we live near eatchother? I would love to meet meet with you. I would love to educate you on all three of your choices so that when you do decide you will know. It is good to be educated, that ay you can never say "well i never knew......."
I volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center in San Marcos. There are free PT and ultrasounds available. Free love (:
Please respond if you would ever like to meet. Should you decide to abort, if anytime down the line you are hurting, we also have post abortion classes. Make sure to make the decision you can live with for the rest of your life.

Wow, a lot of prochoice people here. I have a different perspective. I am not going to tell you whether you should give up for adoption or abort. It's a personal decision, one you have to make alone and its the one you have to be able to handle. Whatever decision you make will be the right one. As for photo's of abortions online, most you will see are late term abortions and quite frankly are horrible, and the procedure is unpleasant.

HOWEVER, please, do not keep a baby that becomes an additional burden on society. I am a firm believer that if you choose to keep this baby and raise it, that you and the babies father need to provide COMPLETELY for it. Meaning, medical care, food, shelter, etc. If you can not provide that without welfare/medical help, and you choose to keep the baby, give it up to for adoption.

Whatever you choose, you need to continue your education. Can you do that if you have a second child? Just to balance your adoption stories, I chose to have an abortion when I was 24 and in nursing school. Was it a hard decision, absolutely. Did my boyfriend support me in it? Yes, even though he wanted a child. Could I provide for it? No. Why do I say I? Because as women we will always carry the burden of caring for our offspring. But I knew that I could not carry my child 9 mo's and give it to someone else. Do I regret my decision. Not one bit. Make your choice, don't live life feeling regret or being worried about what others think. We all only do the best we can. But you have to make good choices to begin with, and then you wont find yourself faced with this decision. Its a hard lesson, but you must learn it.

maybe you could consider adoption. The child you made didn't ask for this situation and deserves the best. That would be the most special gift you could give.

I feel for you. Having kids out of wedlock and with the wrong man can be a very painful experience, I know from personal experience. But, a baby is a gift and your son will have a brother. The thing that makes it hard is the men because as women we can accomplish anything, especially for our children. If you decide to have it, do it for you whether the man is in the picture or not. It will be hard, you may have to work fulltime and give up school for awhile until things get easier. And Girl, for future reference, get on the IUD!!!!

Lizzette
I am not going to say that I know what you are going through but I do wish to offer some thoughts that might help you feel a little better. Sorry that you are having to deal with so much. It must be frightening knowing that you are pregnant and feeling alone. Having a baby is a big responsibility (as I'm sure you understand) and a lot of work. But I don't think abortion is the answer and here is why. There are a lot of mothers out there who would love to raise your baby for you. I have friends and sisters who have a hard time getting pregnant or can't get pregnant at all and would give up all they have to be able to raise a baby. If you think you can get help from those around you to raise the baby then I'm sure you have enough love to help your infant grow up strong. I only say that because you must already love the baby to be so worried about it's future. If you really are afraid though that you might not be able to do it then I would definitely say to offer the baby to someone who has the time and resources to give the baby a good home. I hope I don't sound mean or pushy. I just feel like you are doing the right thing in asking for advice and that ultimately you will make the decision that is best for your unborn child. Good Luck!

Abortion is not your only option, you could adopt out this second baby. There are thousands of families waiting for just this opportunity to give your child a wonderful life, and what could be a more loving act by you than giving that life to your child? I can't even begin to imgaine how hard it will be to hand your baby to someone else, but you will have the knowledge in your heart that you are giving your baby a gift that no one else can, you are giving your baby the life that you cannot provide. You will be able to live forever knowing that your child is cared for, and the adoptive parents will probably treat that child like gold because they wanted it so badly. Don't abort, you will know forever that you ended a life that has so much potential, maybe your baby will grow up to be a doctor and save lives, or maybe it will just grow up to be a great mom or dad who gives their own children a great start in life. Either way, your baby could make a positive impact on the world, but you'll take away that chance if you abort it. And then use this experience as a lesson for yourself.... stop sleeping around, respect yourself more, you are worth more than to be used by men and then thrown away when they are done with you. Your children are also worth more than to be in a home where they see no moral standards, teach your son to respect women and treat them like queens, don't let him grow up to be like his bio father or this new boyfriend. Learn to take care of yourself and your son without a man in your life - call your mom and tell her you need her help gowing up into a responsible woman, I'm sure she loves you enough to want only good things for you.... or if that's not an option, find a good church and ask them for help - Jesus will be there for you always!

Truth is not an opinion. Truth is truth. Whether or not you want to face the truth, you will have to someday. You can decide to face it now, or you will be forced to face it in the future. People can choose to believe that abortion is not wrong, but that has no affect on the truth. If you are a person that believes in God, you need to realize that you have to believe completely. You can't just believe in the parts that bless you, but not take responsibility in the areas that God is asking you to.

Please take care with your big decisions. I suggest contacting a maternity home like this one:

http://www.hisnestingplace.org/

If you're considering adoption, my friend has had great experiences with this agency:

http://www.nightlight.org/

May God grant you wisdom and strength as you choose your life's path!

M.

Hi L.,

You certainly are in a tough situation. Try talking to your husband and see if there is any possibility to work it out. Maybe he is a forgiving man and will accept your second child. If not, then end things formally with your husband. As for your pregnancy...if you make the decision to have sex, you should accept all that goes with it. Look at your son and try to imagine if you had made the decision to abort him. That little life would not even be here today. Even if you do not feel that you could be a parent to another child at this time, there are so many people out there who would love to adopt! Please consider this before going through with an abortion. Also, if things don't work out with this baby's father, you might want to take a break from men and focus on yourself and your kid(s) for awhile. Then, when you feel more together and confident in yourself, you will be in a better place to have a healthy adult relationship. Good luck with everything, I will keep you in my prayers.

There are a lot of people out there that want to be parents. Maybe you could look into giving the baby up for adoption - I believe that the future parents help with medical expenses, etc. It is a great alternative to abortion for you and the baby would have the chance at a more stable life.

Good luck to you!

You need to leave your boyfriend if things are not going well. You could try adoption for your baby. There are many families who will even pay for your medical care during your pregnancy so that they can be assured that your baby is healthy. Talk to your husband. If you want to be back with him, see if he would consider it, and maybe you couls keep the baby. If he's a good guy, and if he still loves you, then maybe he will raise it as his own too, like the first one. Good luck!

L.,

You situation sounds difficult. My advice would be to think about how you would feel if you had not kept you son. If you had decided to have an abortion then. How would you feel now? Your situation now is a short term problem you are having. The long term emotional consequences of an abortion are devestating. I do not believe in abortions and when I became pregnant at 19 and not married, only knowing my husband for two months at the time I thought about abortion. I even went to the family planning clinic and I turned around. I couldn't even talk to the receptionist. I am sooooo glad I didn't do that. I have the most beautiful 7 year old son, and no matter what happens with your husband, boyfriend etc. you will always have your children. So my advice is be the best mom you can be to your children and the rest will fall into place. I am a nurse and I used to volunteer at a pregnancy help clinic in Glendale, CA. I don't know where you live but you can call them and they can refer you to a similar type place in your area. They can offer support, clothes, food, and emotional help thru this. The name is Avenues Pregnancy Help Clinic in Glendale, CA (818) 843- 0424

Good luck to you, and follow your heart, everything else is just details.

I mean no one can tell you what to do. But we all can offer you options.

Good luck what ever you choose.

If I were you, I would have an abortion... unless adoption seems like a reasonable choice. If you DO choose to have an abortion, don't beat yourself up about it and turn it into a bigger deal than it is. Some of my friends who have had abortions simply feel sad about it for a few days then move on. Others hold yearly "memorial services" because they feel like they're supposed to feel guilty. Do what feels right for you and your son--not your husband or boyfriend. I know a lot of women (usually Christians) strongly believe that abortion is wrong, but I don't think it is at all. Don't be guilted into or frightened into a choice. Guilt and fear won't help you make a good decision.

Hello L.,
It sounds like you are hurting and scared. Your situation sounds difficult but not impossible. You may want to use this moment to start a new chapter in your life by 1. be honest to those in your life. Tell your husband the truth even though you know how that may end up. It will be difficult but you owe it to yourself and those in your life to be honest--
2. deal with your choices in life honorably. You made choices that have negatively affected yourself and your children (even your unborn baby). But this is the time to tell yourself, I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR MY BEHAVIOR. I HAD SEX AND NOW I HAVE CHILDREN AND I'LL DO THE RIGHT THING NOW FOR THEM AND MYSELF. There are mothers, families that started out like you but started making right choices and ended up doing well.
I know of children that started their life with a single mom and because their mom decided to do the right thing for herself and children they are proud of her and doing well. BUT you have to do it for yourself and them. You and your children are all you have. YOU CAN DO IT ! One last thought that has helped me through many difficult situations EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH GOD! HAVE FAITH- IN GOD AND YOURSELF. I hope you take care of yourself- do something that will make you feel proud of yourself for once you won't regret it.

Hi L.,

Please don't abort your baby. Give him/her the gift of life. There is a loving couple out there who would give anything to raise your child as their own, with love. If you abort your baby you will be choosing to end a precious life. I understand that you can't raise another baby alone, so choose adoption.

I've never known or heard of a woman who's chosen abortion and felt good about it. It will be somthing you'll live with for the rest of your life.

Prayers are being sent your way that you make the right decision. Life instead of death.

Hi there.
Sounds like you're in a tough spot. My prayers are with you and your son.
Abortion isn't the only answer to your problem. It is a quick fix. but that isn't always the answer. Adoption is available too. There are so many people out there that can not have babies, that have so much love to give a child.
Think your options out and make the right decision for you. Being a single mom is hard i know i was one with two little girls. But all in all in the end , it will be hard and you will struggle , but the rewards that you get are awsome.
Take care,
B.

Abortion is not the only option. Look in the phone book for an adoption agency. There are families out there who are financially stable.

From your request, I noticed that you have made several poor decisions. Your son and unborn child have no say in what you decide, but they must live with your decisions. Your children should be your priority, but they are not. Please contact an agency like Planned Parenhood.

Going to school is commendable. Congratulations to you for continuing your education.

I just hate what your going through. You feel trapped and alone. You want love and stability. i've been there twice.
I do not agree with abortion and from the sound of it you don't either. You sound like a smart and great mom. Life is not easy and only you can make your future. Write down want you want and look at it. Write down what or whom is getting in the way. Now see if you can find a creative way to get what you want!. Go back to school! Stand up for what you deserve. Stop dating boys. I suggest you stop seeing any one and rely on girlfriends and your church. Only make decissions you can live with. If you feel you need to be taken care of you will attract weak minded people. Surround your self with positive people ONLY! You can do this and you will. Do not bring anymore men into your life. It really isn't fair to your son. He needs a man! You need God! In time you will have both. Be good to yourself. You don't have to file for divorce right now. Take sometime for your self and just be alone. Accept your responsibilties and be strong. Focus on your children and yourself. Keep telling your self you can do it. I will pray for you.

L.,

Ultimately this is your choice to make and I just hope that all our feedback can help you come to a decision that you can live with for the rest of your life.

Let me tell you that many years ago I also was a single parent with a young son who's father didn't want to be involved. I struggled for years to give my son a good life and I found a wonderful young man that eventually moved in with me. I didn't make him financially responsible for my son and I though. After half a year of dating and living together, I became pregnant and at that time choose to have an abortion. It was a difficult decision, but I was barely making it financially and I didn't yet know where this relationship was going. I decided to end the pregnancy so that I could at least guarantee my first child a decent life. My boyfriend at the time and I ended up marrying a couple years later and we have now been married 11 years and had two more children. We are doing really well now financially and have a great family. In the first few years I thought about that abortion and was very sad about it, but I know I made the right decision at the time. All our lives would have been very different if I hadn't and we really would have struggled to even feed both kids. I knew it wasn't the right time, but I also vowed that I would not keep repeating the same mistakes and I would make all the best choices from then on for me and my son.

So what I'm trying to get across is first you really need to take a look at the choices you are making, because it seems you have a pattern right now of making bad choices. No matter what you decide to do, take a good look at your life and make sure that you are making the best choices possible for your son, because your son is what matters most.

Good luck.

Hi L., I read your post and wanted to say this. A baby is a gift from God, no matter how you look at it, and God never gives you more than you can handle. I am a single mother of two children, doing it by myself. My life is not how I envisioned it, but it is what I was dealt, and I deal with it. It's not ideal, raising kids alone, but it can be done. I have never believed in abortion, but that also is my opinion, as is everything I will say on this post. You cheated on your husband, and for whatever reason, whether you used protection or not, you are now pregnant, and have to face the consequences. That is just life as an adult. I'm not sure what happened with your son's father, but it's not fair to expect history to repeat itself. This might be a different situation. You mentioned that you and your new guy are already having problems, and I just wanted to remind you that no couple will get along 100% of the time. Every relationship has it's ups and downs, and it's up to the individuals in the relationship to decide what they feel is petty enough to overlook (put up with) and what is not worth dealing with. Some things need to be compromised on, and others can't be. I wish you the best of luck in your difficult situation, and pray that you will make the right decision. :)
p.s. - I read some of the other responses after I posted this and wanted to say that adoption is a great alternative!! One I had never thought of when writing the response. I also wanted to mention that you go back to school, as one of the other mother's suggested, but wasn't sure how you'd take to that advice, but from your post, it is clearly evident that some schooling is needed :) How does your husband feel about all of this? You didn't mention that aspect.

Sounds like things are tough for you...have you thought about adoption if you feel you can't keep the second baby? I am a former social worker, with adoption experiece, giving away a baby can be a really good thing for all parties involved. Some food for thought....good luck, C.

Dear L.,
I feel for you right now. As a 24 young woman, you are in a scary place. If I were in a similar situation, the first thing I would do would pray for strength and insight. Please stop considering abortion. Even though I am personally opposed to abortion, I do know of a few people who have had them, because they were so scared and couldn't think of anyway out. That decision has haunted them their entire life.

If you continue to be really scared about what to do, please go to a local pregnancy support group- and talk to the adoption agencies. There are so many couples who want to adopt.

Your main responsabilities are for yourself and your 3 year old. I think that you need to continue to grow in confidence in yourself, so that you won't get involved with a guy unless you know that he is good for you and your son. I hope that makes sense.

Keep your boy in preschool, keep working part- time and going to school. You have to focus on providing a good life for the two of you.

God bless you L..

Speaking from experience and being in a similar position, only I was 16 years old with no parental guidance and "thought" I was in love....DON'T have an abortion!! You have to know that in the future it is all you will think of. I was not a believer in Jesus Christ when this happened in my life and thought it would be a way to deal with a problem that I would not have to think about again!! I was wrong. You will deal with it emotionally everyday when you look at your son and wonder what the baby was or what the baby looked like, I promise, it is a bad place to be. I was saved by the grace of God and restored and given another chance and I have 4 beautiful children today and an amazing husband. Turn to God and find a church that can help you keep your baby or find a family that desperately wants a baby that can not have one. Calvary Chapel, any Calvary Chapel, will help you. Do you know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior? I encourage you to stand up and face what is happening in your life, show your sweet little boy how strong you are and that you don't run from "problems" get that man out of your house that got you pregnant and figure things out with your husband. Don't just have an abortion and think that it fixes anything, because it really does not!! You are a married woman living with a man that is not your husband, those are the choices you have made, not anyone else. You must deal with the outcome now and I pray that you will change your lifes path and seek to resolve whatever you and your husband have gone through or move on in a healthy way, not just to the next man. Abstinence is a wonderful way to show your son how to protect himself, you don't want him to grow up and think this behavior is OK!

The mistake is made, don't beat yourself up over it now, just move forward and make the right choices!!!

I fully agree with what Chrissy C. had to say. She worded her thoughts, which were my thoughts, so eloquently that I can't say much except reinforce her words.

I would like to add that as a mom we have to make tough choices. Sometimes that means making sacrifices. It is necessary to make your 3yo son your #1 priority. All your decisions - to stay with your husband or leave him, your choices and management of other relationships, even an abortion, etc. - affect your child. I am sure you want your son to become a good man who will someday become a faithful, loving, and responsible husband and father. This is done through the exposures you give him. If you can't find the right man to set this example, then you should not be with him. Instead, you should find other people to support you and your decisions. You can find this like so many others suggested through a relationship with God and a church based organization. While I think that is one of the best choices because it also provides a wonderful environment for your son as well, but it might not be something you're comfortable with. There are other options...counceling, support groups, etc. I do know people in many supportive areas and may be able to make some recommendations for the Long Beach area. Email me if you need some support in this area and I'll start making some phone calls. In the meantime, I wish you all the best. Hang in there. You're taking one great step by seeking support already. God bless!

L.,

Life is tough sometimes, but I want to be honest. I think if you really don't think you can take care of the child, and there's a good chance that you'll end up single, I would give the baby up for adoption. I am totally against abortion except for extremely bad cases (rape, incest). The best thing you can do for you unborn child is give it the life you would of wanted to give it if you could. This does not mean you are a bad mom, but being single with one child is hard enough, being single with two would be even harder. In fact giving up a baby for a better life is a huge sacrafice on your part. There are many great agencies out there, and counseling for adoption. The aganecy through our church has a really good program, The mom is a big part of the decision making process in fact I believe she is the one who has the final say. My brother and sister-in-law adobted a two year old boy through this program. I know there are many others. Please dont' do an abortion. If it breaks your heart now, just think how you'll feel after? Good Luck.

Hi, I realize tha you are going through a tought stretch right now, and I hoep that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. It sounds like you are on the rigth path (especially w/the going to school in the afternoons), wether it is vocational school college or whatever you cant go wrong w/more education, that really is th key to being self reliant and taking care of you and your children. I beg you please not get an abortion, You child does not deserve to die, We have free agency to do as we please but when we mak wrong choice we muct face teh inevitabl consequences, in that case a child. I can imagine how hard it would be to give a baby up for adoption but i do belive in hindsite you would never regret it and alwsy be proud of your desision to do the right thing (you shoul see the movie BEllA it won severl indy film awards an is amazing! it came out recently on DVD and I think may really strike a cord w/you and give you the perspective your searching for it is a story about a woman facing a similar situation and desision, please watch it. I know it would be hard to raise two children alone. I can only imagine I really only get a tase of that with two young ones myself and a deployed husband, I teach part time and run a small business as well. So i realize how it would be to be a real single mother w/workgn and providing for your childrens every need. Yes it is hard at times, but i wouldnt trade it for anything. I belive you know in you heart if you really search that the rigth decision is to keep your baby. Do you have family around you could live near, good friends that can help? You are in my thoughts and i hope all will turn out well. Take care,
C.

Hi L.,

I'm impressed with your ability to reach out and ask for help. As a student, single mom, and working woman, you sound like someone who is really doing what she can to make her life the best it can be. Congratulations on that! Not everybody can take all that on. If I were you, I'd go for some counseling right away. You have some big and important decisions to make. I know a place called Westside Women's Center ###-###-#### that offers low-cost (and maybe even free) counseling. It sounds like now would be a great time in your life to have someone help you (or you and your boyfriend) to get clear on what feels most right to you. If you have a hard time getting the counseling help you need right now, feel free to contact me. I have a psychotherapy practice and may be able to help you find what you need if other options don't work for you.
Warmly, K.