Second Marriage Bridal Shower

If this wasn't immediate family, I wouldn't be going.

Default gift: set of wineglasses or a crystal vase

Hey! How about a "Princess" martini glass!? Lol

IMO.. You need counseling. Stop going around in life judging people and their decisions. Life has enough struggle and sadness.

CELEBRATE JOYFUL MOMENTS.

(hint) This is a joyful moment.

I would never have allowed anyone to throw a shower for me under those circumstances, nor have I ever used a gift registry, but I guess that is beside the point.
Anything for the house that I don't have to buy, I consider a gift, whether it's a toaster or a can of Scrubbing Bubbles.
Go for it.

I actually have been married THREE times. I did not have a shower the 2nd time (although my work friends had a "surprise lunch" for me that I did not know about and some brought small gifts) and then we eloped.
For the third wedding I didn't have a shower and we expressed no gifts (and did not register anywhere) at the wedding which was just our immediate family.
I don't like being the center of attention and parties/celebrations/gifts make me nervous.

However.
My sister sent me a bottle of champagne for each engagement with a note that just said she was sending us congratulations on our news and welcoming my fiance to the family. It was classy. It was nice. It was supportive.

Do you wish them happiness? Are you glad they are getting married? Do you want to congratulate them? If so then go to the shower with something small that says "I am glad you are officially joining our family and setting up a life with my brother and my niece/nephew."

My brother's wife was married before, but I never really gave it a second thought. She was marrying my brother. If her maid of honor hadn't planned a shower for her, I wouldn't have that memory to share with her. Over the course of her planning their wedding, she and I had a chance to really get to know each other.

She was marrying my brother, and I'm so glad I had a chance to celebrate that with her.

I think it's important not to question people's motives and accuse them of being selfish or just throwing a party in order to get presents. It's a party! It's a celebration! It's a new chapter (hopefully a better chapter) in their lives.

If you can't be happy for them and share in their celebration don't ruin it by giving them cleaning supplies.

I agree with your husband. A bucket of cleaning supplies for a shower gift? What a tacky slap in the face :(

Pull up your big girl panties and show up with a smile on your face and a budget-friendly gift they registered for. It's called being a grown up.

Wow-- passive aggressive much?
I'm astounded that, instead of celebrating their commitment with them you are faulting them for a supposed gift-grab. Why so horribly bitter? You sound like it would just destroy you to do anything nice for them and that they are horrible people. Remember, someone else is throwing this shower for her. Maybe she's so happy with your brother and is really excited that they are going to be legally married.

Get her nothing and don't go if you are storing this much animosity toward her. Truly. You sound very judgmental and hurt and petty and jealous beyond belief. I really hope this is a troll question because this is sad.

So, don't think of this as the typical shower where a new bride needs everything, like towels and dishes and toasters and all the household items. Think of this as a celebration, a welcoming event for a woman who is the mother of your niece or nephew, who will soon be your sister-in-law, and whom your brother loves. And buy a simple but congratulatory gift for the bride, whom you'll be seeing at family gatherings, holidays, etc. It doesn't have to be from their registry, and it doesn't have to be expensive. It can be a special ornament for their first Christmas as husband and wife, or perhaps copies of some family recipes (you and your brother's grandmother's famous spaghetti sauce, your mom's banana bread, etc), handwritten on nice recipe cards and put into a simple photo book (available at craft stores), or a new version of your mom or grandma's most beloved cookbook, or a nice cake cutting knife for the wedding reception, or 2 wine glasses, or a lovely photo frame. And write something on the card that expresses that you are happy to now be sisters-in-law. Maybe what the bride needs is to feel welcomed and to know that her wedding is a happy family event. And you can certainly fulfill that!

Of course, if you don't get along with your brother, don't plan to see them at family events, don't want a good relationship with them, and don't like the bride, then send nothing and don't attend.

Listen to your husband.

Put a smile on your face and go enjoy the celebration. They may not "need" anything but they deserve some love and support.

Sounds to me like there is some underlying animosity you have about their life choices. I get it..their life plan has not turned out the way you would choose and a little backwards in making a family before marriage.

Get them a little something that is nice. I personally would love cleaning supplies but I think it would not be received well.

Your husband gets it...and men do not usually care about this kind of wedding shower gift giving stuff. But I have a hunch he has listened to you and your opinions about this whole wedding/shower/reception/celebration stuff. He reads right through the gift at the baggage that comes with it. "They don't need anythin, They have a kid already, she has been married, I want people to by me stuff.".etc

Let it go and buy something for your future SIL. Go and enjoy their wedding when it comes and find some joy..in their joy.

i think most showers are gift-grabs and i don't like 'em. and in the case of a second wedding where the participants are already living and reproducing together my eyes are already rolling madly. so i'm with you there.
but that's as far as i go. deciding for someone else that they should receive what they NEED (as if you know) instead of what they actually ask for is so passive-aggressive it makes my teeth hurt.
listen to your husband.
seriously, how would you even think that your idea is okay?
:/ khairete
S.

Has your brother been married before? If not, treat it like a first wedding, because it is for him. Get something from the registry within your budget, just like you would anyone else.

If he has, buy a small gift card (at least you know it will be used).

PS It sounds like you don't like your future SIL much, is that affecting your gift choice?

As tacky as I think second showers are, giving cleaning supplies seems equally tacky.
I assume it's going to be a nice party, with food and treats, so bring a thoughtful gift, something that reflects her style and personality, something fun.
Something pretty for the kitchen or garden? A pretty new nightgown? I'm sure you can come up with SOMEthing.

Someone being married before doesn't mean there was a shower, wedding, reception etc. Just because they live together also doesn't mean they have every thing they need. How old are they? Is this your brothers first marriage? How do you know what they need?

If you feel bitter about them you should not go. It sounds like you don't want to go so don't. Don't bring down her day. Every bride deserves to feel special.

I think your husband is correct. I am certain your SIL would not know how to take your gift and in many cases, we gravitate to the negative aspect. She may think you are suggesting she clean a little more. Not a good idea. A cute small wind chime or something small would be nice if nothing else.

I'm not a fan of showers for couples who have already set up "house" even if they aren't married. The original purpose of a shower was to give a bride things that she would need for her new home. It's similar to the reason most people don't have showers for subsequent babies after the first. It's not that the other babies aren't equally precious - it's that the new mom already has some baby gear.

That being said, the politic thing to do would be to give a nice but modest gift. The southerner in me would not support cleaning supplies as a gift unless they specifically asked for them.

Think long term here. What is best overall for family peace? At least they *are* getting married.

Good luck.

That's passive aggressive.

Imagine the scene as she opens cleaning supplies in front of her friends and relatives -- the ones who actually wish her well and are happy to be there.

She might graciously say, "Oh, how useful! What a nice thought!" though she won't be thinking that at all.

Or she might turn to you in jaw-dropping shock that you just insulted her housecleaning abilities, as if she is incapable of buying Windex and scrub sponges for herself.

The idea of cleaning supplies, as someone put it below, is simply tacky. It sends a message loud and clear: "I don't like this shower or your wedding or you." Do you want everyone in your extended family to remember this about you? It's a gift that won't be forgotten - for all the wrong reasons. You will end up looking petty.

Useful household stuff? Of very high quality? Yes, that's fine, and it does not have to be on the registry and does not have to be extremely expensive. Think abut a full set of high-quality towels or a classy basket filled with good, unusual, not-essential-but-fun kitchen implements (if you know she and he cook and will use them - do not give kitchen stuff if you know they both hate to cook; do that and you're back to sending a message of disapproval through your gift).

If you don't go you still should send a gift. If you cannot stomach being at the shower, say you have another obligation (do not lie that you are sick because they will see through that). Even being home is an obligation if you must get out the shower or risk ruining it for her as you grind your teeth and roll your eyes at every gift. But you still should send some gift. It does not have to be large or expensive but it does have to be acceptable (even wineglasses or a vase as someone noted) and not insulting, unless you actually want to use this opportunity to push her and your brother away.

Yes, it is silly to have a registry when they are living together already. In their place, something like a "no presents but your presence" shower with food and games would have been maybe more appropriate=--just a celebration of their formalizing the relationship. But even if she's a greedy harpy and this is pure gift grab, why not just take the high road and give something? Oh, and what happens with the wedding gift-- will you want to make a point with that as well?

ETA: I've been married now for 17 years...and we did NOT register when we married. Our families and friends wanted to celebrate US and our union....

If you are looking for people to say your idea is a great idea? Sorry. You won't get that from me. It's HORRIBLE. It blatantly tells the couple you believe they could use some "cleaning up".

Man...you're gonna be a tough sister in law. Judging all the time. STOP IT!!!

Why can you NOT enjoy their happiness? So it's a gift grab?? They are celebrating a moment - and from what it sounds like in your judgement book - it's a little late...

My husband and I lived together before we got married. Both of us had been married before...our friends threw us a small bridal shower - why?? Because they wanted to CELEBRATE!!! And you know what? It wasn't about gifts - it was about TIME TOGETHER!!!

You want to get them something useful?? Kitchen towels, bath towels, sheets - things they will USE....that's a gift. cleaning supplies? um no. tacky. rude. judgmental. all of those NEGATIVE things...

Stop judging. Start ENJOYING...start CELEBRATING...life is way too freaking short to judge FAMILY on their choices....get a REAL gift or don't go.

I agree with your husband. Stick to the registry. Swallow hard if you have to, but don't let your distaste for the situation show through in your gift. It will just make you look like an A hole.

Ya know, my brother, in an insane act of rebellion, married a psycho right out of college. Lasted less than two years. My sister in law was also married young, learned from it. Because of this neither was going to rush into marriage again so yeah, they lived together. About the only difference was they got married before they considered having my nephew and my brother was also married before.

Considering this I cannot wrap my brain around this being anything more than petty jealousy or moral judgement. Both within your rights to have but unless you want to declare your judgement, your pettiness, in front of your whole family, I would not go with cleaning supplies.

I look at my brother and feel nothing but happiness that he found the one after a disaster. I also look at my two older kids, who I think I raised right. They did not continue to live here after college, they moved out, they work, they support themselves. I would hate to think anyone would consider it a gift grab that they register for some fancy toaster and plan to toss their 9.99 Wal Mart special when they get married. I mean you do get that when you move out without the aid of marriage or showers, you are pretty much going craigslist and goodwill to stock your home.

How dare you judge

I had a bridal shower when I got married for the second time. It was nothing that I wanted planned for me, rather it was a surprise. When we were there I expressed that I was surprised, and felt guilty that my mom and best friend had spent the time to do this for me, and my mom pulled me aside and said every marriage deserves to be celebrated. There was nothing that my current husband and I needed, and we did get many things that we wanted (that we had registered for the wedding for), as well as lots of gift cards, which was great so we were able to make our house a home, with things we both loved. All of this being said, any gift will be lovely. I would have loved cleaning supplies, as long as they were the type/brand I liked to use. :)

Ver rude gift. I vote no.

The days of young people leaving their parents' homes with literally nothing are long gone. So many couples get married after having lived together or having lived on their own already while working - so everyone is starting out with an existing supply of housewares. So showers have really evolved into a celebration of the marriage before the actual wedding. Some people think they are "gift grabs" and some people think that older or "more experienced" brides shouldn't be deprived of the fun and fuss by their friends.

I think you start with the assumption that anything you give them will be something they will use. So I really wouldn't give cleaning supplies - I think it will be perceived as a slap in the face (regardless of how you intend it). So I think you are wrong about that. If you go to the shower, you absolutely don't go empty-handed - you really have to take a gift. So I think your husband is wrong here.

I think the best thing is to split your intended "contribution" into half wedding gift and half shower gift. You don't have to buy off the registry if you don't want to, but you do have to give an "acceptable" gift in whatever your price range is. You give can be useful vs. frivolous if you feel really strongly about it - kitchen things, bathroom towels, something for the types of things they usually host (holiday gatherings, annual family BBQs, etc.) - a nice neutral serving platter or wine rack will get a lot of use, and so will grilling utensils or salt & pepper shakers.

Someday it will be your tun and people will have a reason to buy off a registry. But even if that doesn't happen, this really isn't about the STUFF but about the gathering of family/friends and the well-wishing. If you are less than enthusiastic about this relationship and the existence of a child, then beg off and stay home with a headache or the flu. But don't go and then be sullen or ticked off or resentful. All eyes will be on you as the sister, and you're expected to be gracious and hide your negative feelings.

Judge much? Sure a second shower is kind of lame, but this is your brother's wife, the mother of your niece/nephew, your sister in law.
The American family is hopeless. People are only interested in looking out for themselves, how sad. You can't even show up at a party without feeling "obligated" to be there, and having no interest whatsoever in being loving or giving.
These responses depress me and further make me realize what an awful state this country/society is in.

Sure, go ahead. Make your future SIL think you're a jerk. Why don't you just tell her that you don't want to go because she doesn't deserve gifts and you aren't interested in giving her any? It would amount to the same thing you're doing here...

ick. Glad you are not MY sister in law.
Seems like you are pretty judgy on the fact that she has been married before and that she is doing things "backwards" by already having a child and living with your brother.
Stop it.
OF COURSE their registry is things that they want. ALL registries are things that people want. Really? My sister in law didn't NEED the China she asked for, she wanted it. My other sister in law didn't NEED the lingerie she asked for for her bridal shower, she wanted it.
Your gift sucks.
I like your husband.

I think you would have to really, really know that the bride would appreciate the cleaning supplies. I know that I would personally be really insulted. I would take it as a direct jab at my ability to keep a clean house. In fact, my sister in law gave me a little plaque saying something like "I cleaned the house yesterday, wish you could have seen it." And I was really, really mad about it. She thought it was a funny little joke, I thought it was a huge insult. I think you could definitely go with some household items, but I would use something a little more gift-like, as suggested below. A small gift card to Target would be fine.
Think of it this way- you are going to a party, bring a "hostess" gift, just for your sister in law to be. No need to go overboard. I would not go empty handed, but a card with a small gift card, even just a pair of movie tickets inside would be better than the cleaning supplies unless you are POSITIVE she would appreciate them.

I don't get it. I am with your husband. You said it yourself, to get her something she WANTS. Does she want a spa day or leave the child with you so they can have a romantic weekend?

I understand people buying diapers for a baby shower even though that too is not a great idea because often babies develop a rash from switching brands (same goes for lotions and soaps for a baby). But cleaning supplies for a bridal shower gift (5th wedding or 1st) would be offensive to most.

Sounds like a gift grab to me! I completely see your point.

I'd be very tempted to go with your idea but if you want to maintain a civil relationship with her and your brother, it's probably not the best idea.

I would simply give them a lovely card of congratulations. I'd also skip the shower if at all possible

I think cleaning supplies are tacky!! Listen to your husband. If you don't want to buy off the registry, fine; give them a bottle of wine/champagne or even maybe a gift card to their local supermarket (they can use food too) or local dining establishment.

What Nervy Girl said.
-p

Your husband has a point.
Decline invitations to the shower(s) and send a congratulatory note for the wedding - no gift.
I can't stand gift grabs and I can't afford to be catering to other peoples greed.

Wow! All I can say is that is in the true spirit of the real V. S.! Brava! Mean to the core!

I get the desire to give consumables, since they may have long lasting things already! But then how about wine and restaurant gift cards? Not Ajax and Brillo! Tack-Kay!

They have the right to have a shower and you have the right to gift what you want or nothing at all.

Go ahead with your idea if you want to look like a bitter, judgmental person. Good luck on your future relationship with your in laws, sounds like you're off to a great start!

Yup - agree a bridal shower seems silly in this case. So if possible, don't go. If you already said yes, which you likely have given it's Friday, get something small and then don't give as big a wedding gift. Are cleaning supplies on their registry? If not, then kind of too weird. And you have to bring something. In general I don't like showers unless it's a very young couple or parents to be who really do need things. But if I go, I take into account the nice lunch or dinner I hopefully got and then also count it when I buy the wedding gift. Sure each wedding should be celebrated but each wedding also shouldn't expect several big gifts.

A bridal shower for a second wedding with people who already live together? Seems odd. But if I was going and brining a gift I would go with something they want, not necessarily something they need. They already have an established household so they should already have those types of basic items. If I did not want to get something off the registry I would go with maybe a gift card to their favorite restaurant or something like that.

Personally, I wouldn't mind getting something very practical like household supplies, however, cleaning supplies may not be the best choice. Since hubby's against it, I would get something else.

Maybe you could think along the lines of a "family" type gift, like a photo and a nice photo of their child or a coupon for baby sitting along with a bottle of wine.

Maybe they have something on the registry that would be a " household item" but not cleaning supplies. People do need things like new blenders, mixing bowls, toasters, bath towels, etc. because they wear out or break. I would get something like that if it was on the registry.

You could also offer a night of babysitting with a gift certificate for a dinner out. Even a nice bottle of champagne would be better than cleaning supplies.

I think it's lame to have a bridal shower for them in the first place. But I'd give a decent respectable gift so you don't seem tacky.

No matter the situation, the point of a bridal shower is the "shower" the new couple with well wishes. Cleaning supplies don't say that to me. If you don't feel comfortable buying off of the registry, why not give the gift of babysitting your niece/nephew? A gift card to go out to dinner and the offer of free babysitting is a gift any parents of a young child your enjoy. Just a thought...

I think it's a great idea. Cleaning supplies - particularly the organic kind everyone claims they il use - are expensive & everyone needs to clean their house. It'll be even nicer if you include a gift certificate from "the good housekeeping fairy" to help clean.

Showers for second marriages are tacky in themselves. I wouldn't even go, personally.

That sounds mean. They are happy and deserve to have a wedding shower. You sound jealous

Tough crowd.... I think another gift idea would better suit the couple. Or no gift at all.
I do agree with your sentiment on second wedding showers and third wedding showers...

I think you should go with something on the registry. They have cleaning supplies already. I think it's the tackiest thing in the world for them to be having a bridal shower. She's not a new bride. She's a used bride...lol...

Showers are for new situations. To help them become established in their new marriage, new home, first baby, etc....

If you simply can't get them something off the registry for a cheap cheap amount then don't get them anything. I'd forgive you if you didn't. I wouldn't even think of getting them something unless it was some cash in a card at their reception.

I love your idea! If she doesn't want those, send them to me!
After reading some of the other answers, I decided to change this up a bit.
You see I was also remarried, and have attended many a shower so I thought about this a bit. We celebrate when babies are being born, buy diapers, play candy bar melted poopoo games and give baby wipes and shampoo and no one gets upset. We who have already been married oftentimes do have a lot of things already, such a dishes and towels. But well, sometimes these cleaning supplies can be dressed up with one of those beautiful expensive aluminum garbage cans and perhaps fluffy sponges and shiny cleaning pads. If you think that your future sister in law would be dreadfully upset then throw in the bottle of wine, or a wonderful blanket or champagne, but a shower has always been to help someone out even if it hasn't turned out to be that these days and if you are able to talk to her after or before, ask her if it is upsetting. I just really think it is fun to get all sorts of new stuff no matter what the circumstances!

Buy a gift cert to bed, bath and beyond. This is my go to gift for questionable shower gifts.