SD Is Overly Jeolous.

Three questions;

1. Why does your daughter have free access to a BB Gun?!?

2. What does SD mean?

3. Why isnt this child disiplined?

One possible solution might include a family meeting before an event laying out clear expectations of behavior. All family members included. If expectations are violated, consequences like exclusion from the party should be enforced strictly. The issue I see on the horizon is that she's teaching your other kids that to be selfish is ok. Another idea is to have her help pick out gifts for each of the other kids. We have a large family so each of our kids drew a name or got to buy for each of the others. Getting in the giving mode takes training.

Integrating families can be tricky. Especially when you have no idea what is being said about your parenting skills (lack thereof) by the non-residential parent. You would like to think that your step daughter's mother isn't undermining your family but one never knows, I deal with two ex wives. One doesn't do that, the other does. It's terrible for the child who is being used as the weapon of mass destruction because they genuinely are conflicted with feelings of jealousy( which could be instigated by well placed remarks over how they are treated in comparison to the other kids) and the sense of feeling like they "belong".
I dont' know what your situation is, but in our case it's really hard to combat. I would suggest family counceling especially for you, dad, and your step daughter.

honestly...there is no perfect solution. it's tricky because you don't know what mom might be saying behind your back, to sd. having said that, talk to your husband about it. my guess is if it was one of your children they wouldn't be allowed to act that way - if it was mine, i'd let them know pre-event, that if there is behavior like that, they'll be excluded from the festivities. no if's and's or but's. she's ten, she's WAY old enough to understand. she has her own birthday. she gets her own presents at christmas. she should be grateful and stop ruining everyone else's fun. end of discussion. if she can't at least be civil and share in others' special days, then she doesn't need to be included. it's called being part of a family. just my two cents.

it sounds like this girl has worse problems than anyone but
a professional can help with, so you are on the right track
in wanting her to see a child psychologist. does she live
with you full-time or do you split custody with the mother?
if so, is the mother aware of the issues this girl has?
it sounds like she knows if she pushes hard enough she will
get whatever she wants and she will push as hard as she can
to achieve that end. if your husband and the girls mother
are not on board with your counseling idea then it is upon
you to push back on this issue. hard. problems like this
can tear a family apart if they are not addressed and this
is not going to just go away. she is a discipline problem
and it sounds like she is extremely angry and insecure.
its time to bring an impartial third party into this, Mom.
good luck with this. I can only imagine how hard this is
for you, but if it helps, I have had personal experience
with this myself. e-mail me back privately if you want to
know more.
L. K.

I would say she goes to her room (even if you have to take her kicking and screaming). she is placed there until "she can behave nicely and treat everyone the way she wants to be treated". It sounds to me like mom and possible dad have never set clear boundaries for her and unfortunately you need to do it now before things get worse. I agree with the whole, you think birthdays are stupid, great than we don't have to throw you one idea. Kids need consequences to their actions. Check out www.loveandlogic.com they teach you how to discipline your kids while still maintaining their respect. It works pretty good, but you definitely have to stick to it. good luck to you, would love an update to find out how you are doing.

I agree with the others in thinking she needs some sort of counseling. And Renee's advice sounds really good. Although I think while having this discussion I would mention that if she thinks birthdays are so stupid then she doesn't need to have one. Best of luck!

Two words: family counseling. I have a drama queen too, and you are right, you absolutely cannot talk to a person when they are acting up. With my daughter, it took me years to figure this one out. But, in addition to counseling, when this child is in a good mood, this is the time to talk to her rationally, and appeal to her intellectual side. You may get only a few minutes before talking about it stirs up the emotions, but it still helps, and if she's anything like my daughter, she'll love the one-on-one parent time. Tell her you're concerned that she's so upset all the time and you want to know why so you can help her. Let her vent her frustration. You may find out things you didn't know. Tell her she seems to be jealous of her siblings and you don't understand why. Never tell her her feelings are wrong or out of line, but that there is really no reason to be jealous. Now, you may find that you or your husband has done something that she interprets as favoring another child, and if you have you can either explain it or apolgize for it. What I do with my daughter is listen to what she has to say, validate it by talking about it, then talk about how it's affecting her and the family. Then I let her know how to handle the situation better next time. This method has gone a long way to taming my daughter and turning her into a more in-control, thinking, young lady. It takes time. But with your daughter's level of anger, she could really benefit from counseling. Chances are, she doesn't really know why she behaves that way and probably doesn't enjoy it either.

Not being a child psychologist, these are merely ideas for you to try out. How long ago did her parent's divorce? Was it a "messy" one, or did they put the needs of their child(ren) first? Is she used now as a way to get back at the other parent? Have her grades and relationships in school remained stable? These are all examples of questions to ask her (without seeming to) and yourself to get at the root of her anger.
Whenever she is throwing a fit, do not give in to her. And by "do not give in", I mean not emotionally, verbally, or physically. You must remain unmoved. Calmly ask her why she is behaving this way. How does it make her feel? Does her head hurt? Her throat from yelling? How does it make her heart feel (physically & figuratively)? This is not the "real" her. This is something else inside her that wants attention and believes the best way to get that is through negative actions. DO NOT FEED IT! The instant you have responded to her using the same tactics she is, you have fed the for attention negatively, and she will seek attention again using the same methods. I was at my wits end with my 5 year-old daughter because she would throw horrible tantrums. When I started taking the focus off of me and how I feel because I can't control her, and putting it instead on helping her to control herself things got so much better. And I make sure to spend focused time with her everyday when I am not working on something else.

Do you and her parents spend time with her and give her praise for all the good and thoughtful things she does- or does she primarily get attention when she has done something "wrong"? Are you interested in her life and what is happening with her right now? Has she begun puberty? We know how our hormones can throw us at of whack. Today with all of the toxins in our environment, our hormones are even more messed up than even a few decades ago. Consider buying whole (unprocessed) and organic foods as much as possible.

I wish you peace and blessings in working through this difficult time.

Good Morning H., Jealousy can happen in any family not just with step children. I was a step child and I never felt jealousy of any of my siblings step or half Sib's.

Your daughter definitely needs Anger control. You don't manage anger you learn to control it. At her age it may take a while to get through to her. If you have any type of relationship with her mom you may need to have a conversation with her and see if she can shed any light on the behavior she displays.

Some may not agree with me on this one. But if she acted up like that in our home at any time not only a special occasion she would be placed in her room for the remainder of the occasion. If she tears it up she either makes it right or lives with it. NO Exceptions!

The BB Gun is to be placed in a area where she may not come in contact with it. I hope it was taken from her when she walked out with it.

I am a pretty easy going Mom & Grandmother (Nana), but this type of behavior would not be allowed to control the out come of the family get together. I have a Daughter in law just turned 29 who acted like My Home was her's and she could act and do what ever she wanted. She had a volatile temper, anger issues. I had to tell her that type of Behavior was NOT allowed in our home and if she couldn't control it She would not be welcome for parties or other events. It worked we get along fine now. She is very helpful and a self starter with meals and party plans now.

One other mom suggested talking to your daughter when she was calm, I would take at advice. But let her know before an event the previous behavior will not be tolerated. You love her as much as the other children. You married her daddy knowing she was part of him and you love her just as much.

God Bless H., hang in there and pray a lot
K. Nana of 5

Dr Thomas Phelan's book 1-2-3 Magic. It's wonderful and saved our house. There's even a kids version that our boys read and enjoyed.

This is just my opinion but it seems like you are assuming that there is nothing else going on other than your SD being overly jealous. I do know that it is very possible to unintentionally show favoritism to your own child(ren) when living in a blended family. I grew up in a blended family and it was very difficult growing up but we are all close now. From my experience I would suggest not just assuming she is the only one that needs counseling because she had to learn her behavior from somewhere. Also even if she is the one that needs counseling it is more supportive if you go as a family. This will make her feel like you are a family and not like you are just sending her away to let someone else fix her. Again ths is just my opinion but I hope it helps.

First of all, you need to chat with your DH about these measures and he needs to be on the same page with you. A UNITED FRONT!!! Obviously, your SD has some MAJOR anger, abandonment, and attention issues. I agree that mom and dad need to get her some help. BUT if she is a guest/visitor in YOUR home, there need to be some rules and guidelines and you and DH MUST agree on them before you let her back in the door. I agree with the recommendation of sitting down before an event and discussing with EVERYONE (so no ONE person gets singled out) what kind of behavior is expected AND if that behavior is not maintained, what the consequence is. The consequence MUST be followed through and reinforced or this will do you NO GOOD!

I would HIGHLY recommend getting signed up for some sort of parenting class 1-2-3 Magic (free classes are going on now at USD 409 in Atchison), Love and Logic, or Common Sense Parenting...all of these classes provide you with parenting tools that help you to reinforce positive behavior and modify the bad behavior. They help you to be a better parent. And best of all, ALL of the participants have war stories and will gladly tell you their stories and how they resolved them...it's a great support network!

Before she comes back to the house, I would remove or lock up anything like the BB gun that would cause harm to herself or others. You AND your husband need to make a united front to let her know that this behavior is not acceptable and WILL NOT be tolerated and if she keeps upsetting the applecart in this fashion in your house, she will no longer be welcome (or if that is not an option she will be spending her entire stay in her room except for meals). I agree that a counselor/therapist would be helpful in this situation but to me this is screaming for attention (good, bad or indifferent). The girl is not getting something she needs but she doesn't know how to get it either. You need to rule with a firm hand her and regain the control in your house (because right now, you have NONE...she is ruling the roost). If you and hubby don't get this under control now you will have a VERY difficult road ahead of you in the teenage years. AND most of all, if you continue to let her get away with this behavior your other children will start doing it too. Regain the control and start the discipline process...it's hard, but it's tough love.

BTW- I would tell her about wanting to have the birthday parties but right now, you just can't have one for her. If her behavior gets better and she EARNS it, perhaps you can re-evaluate it in say February (plenty of time to plan a party). Remember, parties are a privelege, not a right. NO ONE died from lack of a birthday party and if she can't conduct herself like a lady and a gracious sibbling then she's not welcome at her other sibbilings parties and she jeopardizes you having one for her (that alone should shake up her snowglobe world).

As for the greedy gimmies...no one gets everything...if there is something she wants, she needs to make a list for Santa, birthday, etc...PRIORITIZE what she wants, even have Dad take her to ToyRUs so there is NOTHING that couldn't make the list (LOL)...remind her that if she is gracious and shares with her sisters, they will too...that way EVERYONE has more toys to play with. If she wants to horde hers and not share, that is certainly her prerogative but she needs to know that it's hands off the sisters stuff.

Finally, one thing you mentioned really grated on me..."this girl is hard to please." As a parent, we naturally want to please our kids and be friend with them...THAT IS NOT OUR JOB! Our job first and foremost is to be the disciplinarine and teacher of what is right. If all you are doing is serving your children their whims you will never have control over your house and your situation with your SD is only the beginning of your problems. Please, please, take the bull by the horns on this one!

I say, what she don't know won't hurt her. Don't invite her to the parties. Make sure that is a time with her mother. If need be - tell her she is not invited until she can show a better attitude the whole day of the party. If she can't, then the next party is when she spends time with her mother. Let her mother deal with the Drama. Tell her that no one wants to be with someone who acts like that. She needs to know that good manners are rewarded and poor manners are avoided.

I don't like to see bad attitudes so even when my youngest daughter displays a bad attitude at the age of 3, I send her off to her room. I show her that bad attitudes keep her from us and good attitudes give her Love and affection and able to BE With Us. Even if they cry (unnecessarily), I send them away - I don't want to hear it. It's amazing how quickly things get turned around.

So basically, If her drama gets her attention (good or bad) then she gets to have attention - sounds like a reward to me. I don't know if that helps but sending the 'attitude' away and ignoring it works in our house.
C.