SAHM & Miserable

#1. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. And, kudos to you for vocalizing what a lot of other miserable SAHMs feel (but never share because of the guilt and stigma associated with saying you hate being a SAHM).

#2. You are not alone. See if you can find other SAHMs who are similar to you. They are out there, trust me! It might help you feel like there are others like you.

I'm a sahm, some days I love it, other days I wish I was still working at least a little. I miss interacting with coworkers. Constantly preparing meals and snacks, picking up, wiping faces, etc can get to me. Plus I have 2 boys, ages 3 and 4 and sometimes they fight a lot. Playing referee gets exhausting. I find getting out the house, changing up routine, finding time for myself or time with my husband, mom, friends, etc... helps. Too many days of just you and the kids will wear on anyone. You are human.......nothing wrong for admitting you don't love staying home. Hang in there and find what makes you feel better. May be getting out more, hobby, working out, etc...

I am with you ... I am no *June* Cleaver, and I am doing the SAHM bit too, I put it all off and find other things to do because I resent the "Homemaker" idea/title etc for myself. I love my son we do things together, I volunteer and work with his school, but when it comes to the house I do the bare min for the most part simply b/c I wish I were working, but at the moment can not until next year.

You have the hardest job of all. Take a breath and then take another. It will not always be this way. In a few years they will all be in school. As far as house keeping, make a list for what needs to be done everyday and do one thing. Besides the things that need to be done everyday. Messy is fine, you do want it to be clean thou. Stop being so hard on yourself. I have already been where you are and it only gets better from here. Stop and smell the flowers and try not to miss out on those special moments. Here is a huge hug for you!!

I hope not to feel that way LOL! I am going to take the plunge to be a SAHM mid summer. Why do you feel this way? It's ok as I have always worked too and a bit concerned. It does sound like you have a lot on your plate with their activity, school and church. Listen taking care of three kids is a lot. That's why I am going to try it at home. What is your routine during the day? Just like at work do you make a list of priorities for the day or week? That's my husband's concern is that I am organized so I don't become overwhelmed, bored or unfullfilled. Glad you are in school as you are challenging your mind. Have you thought of a part time job? Especially in the fall when your youngest can be in preschool? That might help you keep perspective. My next question do you get a break? Meaning....date night...girls night? Just like a job outside of home you need a break to recallibrate...I live in your area...We can do a playdate LOL!! I don't take it lightly but like you I am concerned about what my days will look like at home.

I look at it this way for me....My kids are little once and then they grow up and move out.....I want to enjoy the time now and take it day by day. I can always have a job/career but I won't always have access to them since they'll eventually have lives of their own.

I encourage you to pick a task to complete each day. Study your online classes. Put this on the calendar and follow it.

How did you feel when you were working fulltime? I am feeling with a 6, 4, 2 year old that I can't do it all...I've been burning the candle at both ends. (Sigh)...Something has to give and for now I welcome the break from corp america. Now I do have my younger 2 boys starting preschool in the fall 3 days a week so I do get that break ya know?
Hugs!!!!!

Your youngest is going to full time school this year, so maybe you will be able to work again.
I feel the same way sometimes but. The difference is that I have small babies at home and they totally depend on me.
What I do when I feel blue , I wake up and get dressed as if I'm going out and I go out to the mall for window shopping , or the library , or whetever makes me feel better, I forget about the house , the cleaning and the cooking ( for that day). That's work for me, next day I get up early and put my workout clothes, and start cleaning as fast that I can before babies wake up,( this doesn't take me more than 2 hrs) then again shower get fancy ready :) and going out again, ( I have no friends in town ) but I guessed if you have some you can manage to meet them for lunch or breakfast, good luck and I know how miserable Feels when I change from working field to house, 8 years ago .

It's not for everyone, that's for sure.
For me, working PT is the perfect solution.
Only YOU can figure out what would be best for you....more structure? A part time evening job to get out? Sit and THINK about it. You'll figre it out.

And not everyone who is a SAHM is a "June Cleaver type"" LOL

I would be 100% miserable if I stayed home. What are you certified in? Can you take some additional course work or exams so you can work in whatever you do where you live now? Or find another field that you would find gratifying and go back to school so you can get a better job in the future. For 3 kids, a nanny may be a better option economically.

I don't see why anyone would expect most women to feel fulfilled by solely being a homemaker. Most men would not be - they expect to be fathers AND to have fulfilling careers. The fact that MANY, MANY women who were full time homemakers still had a void in their lives is the basis of Betty Freidan's 'The Feminine Mystique'. Being dissatisfied with life DESPITE being happily married and loving one's children is NORMAL.

IMO, you overcome this by finding a satisfying career. This will probably require much more in home participation by your husband. Who may very well find being a more equal partner in homemaking and child rearing to be a good thing in his life.

Apparently SAHMs are less happy (statistically, not every single one) than working moms.

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2012/05/wh...

So who did the cooking and cleaning when you worked outside of the home?

It sounds like you're still adjusting to this stay at home thing, for one thing. It can take some time, even a few years. It took my daughter over a year and she chose it and she's been at home for five years now and still has the work/job thing embedded in her. For another, sounds like you need an outlet that is satisfying to you. Maybe just give yourself a break and not think about any of this stuff for a while. Let it go for a while and see what comes back around. Sounds like your're expecting too much from yourself, as if you're suppose to be a whole different person. Be yourself.

By the way, no one is a June Cleaver kind of mom/woman, not even June Cleaver. Remember she is a ficticious character (that a man made up). Even the more domestic types don't go around in heels and pearls and has the house looking like no one lives there. That's just crazy, ya gotta live. It's the relationships in the house that make it a home.

Don't if this helps, but hope it does.

I don't know, I think this SAHM thing can be rather fun. Yesterday we spent two hours trying to catch tadpoles. The day before we took flowers and used them to paint.

Happiness is an attitude. Sure, I have days when I am so sick of picking up the same toy over and over again, but even if I worked I'd be picking up this toy. Even if I worked I'd be doing laundry. Even if I worked I'd have to make dinner.

Since I don't work, my hubby is able to focus at work, and make more money. Since I don't work, my kids get to have fun adventures during the day, on most days. Since I don't work.....

Do you get my point? If you feel miserable, figure out what about is makes you miserable. If you get a job will you be able to hire a housekeeper to take care of the house? or will you and hubby start fighting over taking care of the house?

My point, yes, I have lots of days and weeks when I wish it would all just go away, but when I really throw myself into my current job being a SAHM, I tend to really enjoy it, because I'm doing cool things with the kids and my friends.

As to the house, I have a system in place that lets the house run itself. I do a little bit of housework three times a day, and then I get to spend the rest of it doing other things. It doesnt' have to feel like an awful chore, it can just be something you do, and do quickly so you can get to the fun stuff.

I'm a stay at home mom of three. 6, 4 and 3. My husband travels non-stop, I am the ONLY caregiver, no domestic help of any kind. Plus I have to do all bills, taxes, paperwork of any kind-I handle EVERYTHING that comes up for household, shoveling, mowing the lawn, fixing toilets..... Like you, no job I could get in our area would even cover daycare, so that's not an option. before I had kids I worked for 15 years in the garment industry with painting as a hobby I never had time for, but I always wanted to paint full time-which I still can't do, since I'm busier than ever. BUT. I have actually managed to do some paintings, take some commissions, get into some shows....working in the wee hours, just so that I don't feel like I'm doing NOTHING but parenting and housekeeping. I actually love parenting full time. I'm definitely not a June Cleaver or hover mom. I don't love housework (who does?) but there are far worse things in life to have to do. I remind myself some people don't have homes to clean.

Sometimes I wish I could take off on a long walk around NYC ALONE with a pricy coffee on the prowl for an expensive new treat to reward myself for hard work like I used to do practically every day rather than living in an affordable kid-friendly location on a tight budget. But you know what? Waaaaaah. I hate myself when I mentally complain. I've had way tougher times than this in my life. WAY TOUGHER. Plus, my good friend was recently diagnosed with MS. My other good friend desperately wants kids and can't have any. Another friend wants to stay home with her baby and has to work. Some friends of friends just lost a child.

I refuse to do anything but embrace what I'm doing right now and look forward to the future when I'll have more time to work or paint or whatever. It's a choice to feel that way. I've met lots of friends through the kids and we have countless adventure through our homeschooling network that makes me much more social and aware of my surrounding community than I would be naturally.

Sounds like your situation is temporary. Try to embrace it. Pursue a hobby outside of school if you have any interests, even if it's just reading inspirational stuff. You will get back to work one day, and you'll miss these days when you got to be messy and goof off with the kids. Count your blessings. Pray for an attitude adjustment. I do every night! (GOD DO I HATE HOUSEWORK-I'm sitting at here staring at a mountain of dishes right now, the kids need baths, and they're wrestling around screaming at 9:30. sigh. Why do you think I'm mentally checking out with mamapedia?)

I hate housework and would work so I could pay someone to do it for me if I could. I end up doing little during the day too. I always got such positive reinforcement from my co-workers and employers. I can do my career very well and am happy helping people with developmental disabilities.

I miss having time out of the home and being able to feel fulfilled in a positive way, plus having my own money, I miss working. I have a lot of years in child care and do not feel that letting others in negates my role any less.

If you are so unhappy at home why can't you go to work? Even something part time would fill a void.

If your hubby doesn't make a lot of money you may qualify for child care assistance. I had parents that were both working and each one made over $15 per hour. They had a co-pay of several hundred dollars per month but compared to what it could be it was minuscule. They had 4 kids, 2 all day center and 2 in school.

If you want to work I think you should try, if not work how about taking some classes on campus so you can at least get out of the house for a few hours per day.

Well, the thing is, being a SAHM is a job in of itself. You need to view it that way. You aren't doing nothing. You are raising your children all day, every day. Only with a SAHM job, there are no clock-out breaks, no scheduled activities, and no pats on the back. Your work is thankless, your suboordinates are "selfish" and little "time suckers" (LOL), and it can be hard not to feel and hear that positive affirmation all the time.
You need to change your mindset. You need to put it in your head that you really are the best thing for YOUR children, and having access to you when they need it will be infinitely valueable to them over the years. It will help them become independent, well-adjusted children who will (eventually) be thankful that you were there.
Think of it as charity work. It isn't always fulfilling in the moment, the pay sucks. But think of the little lives you are touching. It takes a very selfless, patient person to be a SAHM. And it isn't always rosy. Nothing glamourous about wiping noses, butts, and faces. Nothing glamorous about spit-up, fighting siblings, and not finding time to shower. I'm sure you are a great mom, and you are doing a great thing by reaching out to see what else you can do. It can be lonely at home. Don't let yourself slip into a rut, and don't fill your own plate so high (aka schooling, volunteering, etc) that your kids suddenly become a burden just for "being around". You on'y get them for 5 years. Then school gets them. Then college. Then life. Cherish this hidden gift of the time you have with them. I promise you, you will NEVER get to the end of your life and wish you would have WORKED more.

Hey Beck,
It's ok! Will your 4 year old be going to kindergarten next year? Can you start working part or full-time at that point? Let's face it, not every human is cut out for the glamorous life of a hausfrau :)

Is it possible to work part time evenings and/or weekends, just to give you a chance to get out of the house, and without daycare costs?
I have two friends who did this, one out of necessity, and one like you (she was just going nuts!) One worked at Target, the other at Starbucks, and they both enjoyed their respite from the house/kids not to mention the extra $ :)

You are definitely not alone!!! I am just waiting until my 3.5 year old starts K. I am an unimpressive housekeeper and hate cleaning (I can cook but get bored of it). Getting out and doing stuff with the kids helps (sitting home makes me and the kids cranky with each other). Finding some other moms who get it helps too. I also have a Master's degree I am not using since social work is so high burn out (I'd have little emotional energy left for my kids with some past jobs I had).

I was that way for a while, then I started writing. Once I had a goal that was just for me, it helped a lot. I just finished my second book (like today) and it is showing a lot of promise. So I just may end up turning my, keep me from going insane, hobby into an income. :)

I think you need to let go of what the expectations are for being a SAHM and give yourself permission to develop your own style.
It takes awhile to make any job 'your own'.
The kids are growing and you won't be a SAHM forever.

relax we are not all the super mom you see with the perfect hair and perfectly fitting jeans with 2.5 perfect kids. You are what you are, it takes some time to get used to being at home it takes time to wrap your head around it. It sounds like you have been on a pretty wild ride the past little while. Learn to make a few simple meals, no house is spotless, laundry when you need to. You will come into it and like the other moms said maybe a part time job out of the house for a few hours a week would do you good. Take care of yourself everything else will fall into place.

It's not for everyone, I love it. Don't worry if you aren't great at it jut do your best and know you try.

I could relate to feeling like this, but it was over 4 years ago when I first made the decision to stay home. It is VERY difficult to give up your career & make the decision to be a SAHM. I can tell you I have felt that I'd lost who I was in staying home. From your post, I really think you need to get a part-time job that gives you back 'you'. Something where your hubby can take care of the kids or relatives can, so your not paying out for daycare. If this isn't possible, I'd find something that just you can do away from the kids. Like I said, I felt the way you describe back some years. Now, I feel VERY happy that I made this decision. My daughter has gotten the BEST possible care during the day, I've been able to teach her things & watch her grow. I didn't miss out on anything! I also found running to be a great stress reliever & I work out religiously everyday at 5 am. It improves my attitude & even tough days are easier. I highly suggest looking at ALL of the positives of being at home with your kids! :-)

Can you get your certifications online? If you can, work on that. It would help motivate you, at least.

Being a SAHM is hard when domesticity is not your calling. I'm sorry.

Dawn

I don't really have much choice about working- I am the breadwinner in my household and I have to work to support our family. But if I had a choice, I would never choose to be a SAHM. I LOVE my job and it's a big part of who I am. Maternity leave almost drove me to the point of insanity, both times.
I don't really have advice other than to say you are not alone and don't feel bad about it. I will never be one of those moms. And the fact that I admit it makes me feel better about it. lol

Staying at home is not for everyone.

I think the bigger issue here might be when the last time you had a date night? When your home with the kids all of the time it's super important to have time, alone, outside of the house, with your husband. If you can go out, once a week, I think you will notice a big difference. If once a week isnt in the budget shoot for every other week. It doesn't have to be anything expensive or big and romantic. Go out for pizza. Go bowling. If your into sports, go out and watch a game and grab some bar food. Do anything just get out of the house and anyway from the kids for a while.

Then get some "me" time. When your husband is home or the kids are in bed, take a hot bubble bath. Grab a glass of wine and a tall glass of water and either read or do nothing. Just relax. If your hubby's home, leave him there and go for a walk.

Date nights are super important! They make you someone other than mom. You are more than mom, and that's ok. Whatever you do get out of the house, without the kids, when you can.

Good luck.

No, you are not alone. I would never want to be a SAHM, because I need to have a career and help my husband bring in income. I always felt marriage is 50:50. I am a college graduate and have been a chemist for 17 years. Staying home I feel would be a waste of my education, and I feel that I am too intelligent to stay home. I need that stimulation, or I would be just bored at home. I got extended vacation when my children were little, plus I think my children are more independent, because I worked and I really never missed anything. I been to every baseball, football, and basketball game, concerts...etc...You just have to do what makes YOU happy. Life is too short.

Just go ahead and veg out until one hour before you hubby gets in and then start cooking, cleaning, etc.

Pu on a dvd and tell the kids to not bother you in that hour.

When I'm at home I procrastinate on the house work because I have no deadlines.(and I hate cleaning cuz things just get dirty again so fast. When I'm working I try to get everything done on the weekends, I try to do some cleaning on Thurs, Friday evenings to make my weekends better. If you can get on a schedule of some sort it may help. Flylady.com is great, very inspirational, she reminds us that we are blessed to have nice homes to live in and blessed to be able to keep them nice. When the kids go back to school next fall, maybe you could find volunteer work, part time, that would count as work experience or somehow help you to get back in the job force someday. Talk to a mom whose kids have grown and moved out, she'll help you realize how swiftly this time is gone, and how you'll miss it more than you think, not neccesarily the staying home all day but the little kids stages they grow out of so quickly. After 24 yrs of being a mom I recently started going to yoga classes frequently, I NEVER did anything for me and it is such a blissful feeling to know I am taking time for me, not for my family, not for my job, just cuz I like it. Try to find time for you EVERY DAY, to do something you enjoy, read a fun book, do a crossword puzzle,garden work out, listen to music, leave the house alone and take a walk when hubby is home ANYTHING!

I know this sounds dumb, but my dd and I turn on dance music and dance around while I do my housecleaning. It really does make it more fun. She asks me 'we clean house now mommy?'. If you are not that into cooking, I would get a slow cooker, just throw the stuff in it in the morning and at dinner time woila a hot meal. Craft projects are fun and usually burn up a big chunk of the day. GL

I think you need to find your niche, honestly. Being a SAHM can be really rough. I understand how you feel, I really do. I worked full time up until I had my daughter (who is now 4) because when we were pregnant, we discovered that there was no way my husband and I could afford daycare. I took a different job for a while working nights when my daughter was about 5 months old. That didn't last long because of the strain on our marriage and me having to work all night and take care of my baby all day. Anyway, the switch from full time worker to full time Mommy was a tough one for me. I LOVED being home with my daughter, but I had to get over feeling like I wasn't a contributing member of the family/society. Now I have two kids, and have made my piece with being a SAHM, and I actually love it.
Don't expect yourself to be a June Cleaver... Unless you have a full TV studio crew to help you, then feel free to try to be her. ;) In reality you are kind of setting yourself up to fail here. If you feel that you aren't being productive enough in the house, why not set up much smaller goals, instead of saying things like "I need to clean the carpets, wash the walls, do all the laundry, chauffeur your kids to where they need to be, and cook a gourmet meal (and wash all the dishes) for my husband before he gets home from work." OK, I know no one actually tries to do all that in one day
(at least I hope not, sheesh), but my point is you don't have to feel like you failed if you have an impossible image in your head that can't be met. If you want you could set up smaller goals, like keeping up with the vacuuming or maybe keeping the laundry in check. (I am not saying you don't do those things I just picked out two random things that I really HATE doing. Seriously I just looked at my floor and I really need to vacuum today.) If you feel better about having a few things accomplished, you can expand to a couple more. You just need to find your position as a SAHM and become comfortable with it. Also, don't compare yourself to any of the "WonderMom's" out there, the one's who seem to have it all together, looks can be deceiving. You don't sound terrible, and you are not a bad person, you just have had a change in job description.