Rules for Neighbor Kids.

you can't. You may want to think about talking to the young man and set the rules. I think he is ready to listen.

Hello,
We have the same problem w/ 3 kids that live next to us. However it is usually my children getting HIT with the rocks thrown. It has gotten so bad that I had to finally involve the police. This was after close to a full YEAR of speaking with the parents. They seem to feel that what their children do is fine. We are now in the process of getting a no-trespass order against them.

Hi,

While I agree with most of the ladies here that the boy's behavior is unacceptable and if he is playing at your house, it needs to be by your rules, it may be more than a disciplinary/parenting style problem.

I have a 3 year old who deliberately breaks his toys, pushes and hits other kids (especially his twin brother), does not listen or obey and gets very frustrated and angry quite easily. I have tried time outs, yelling, praise and rewards for good behavior, taking away favorite toys, even spankings - which I never thought I'd do - all to no avail.

I have been mortified by his behavior but put it down to a very headstrong personality (like his father), the terrible twos (he is now three and a half), a new baby in the house (the baby is now 16 months) etc etc. Having been in contact over the school year with his wonderful, kind, very experienced and extraordinarily patient preschool teacher at her suggestion I finally took him to the pediatrician and then to a child psychologist, where he was diagnosed with moderate to severe ADHD of the hyperactive type.

We are beginning behavioral therapy and are considering medication (which is a very difficult and painful decision to have to make, so please no responses from folks who would "never" medicate their child).

All of this is to say that there may be something else going on with the boy that the parents don't know how to deal with. Believe me when I say that having a child with behavioral issues (not matter what the cause) is exhausting, embarrassing and beyond frustrating.

The mother may simply have no idea how to deal with child, but if things continue as they are that little boy will be in big trouble. When you talk to her about your rules and why he is no longer allowed to play at your house (and explain them to him as well, he needs to make the association between behavior and consequences), you may also make a suggestion that she might want to talk to her pediatrician, you're worried about him because he seems angry and upset alot and his destructive behavior is not the sign of a happy child.

Good luck, from a mom on the other side of the fence....
Liz

P.S. One of the benefits of behavioral therapy is that they also work with the parents as to disciplinary approaches and offer parenting advice/guidance, so the mom may get something out of it too.

I agree with the ladies that said to put a time limit on the ban on playing together. Explain to the child that your son can not play with him because they didn't tell the truth about throwing the rocks at the car, and when the time limit is up, remind both boys that throwing rocks and being destructive is not allowed. Unfortunately, some children are not taught any limits about what is allowed and what is not, and most kids pick up what they see around them. Someone has to be modeling to the kid that lying to get out of trouble is OK, so you need to try to set an example for him that it is not OK. Maybe with your guidance, the boy will learn what is acceptable and what is not. Just keep a close eye on them when they are allowed to play together so you can correct any destructive behavior before it gets out of hand.

you can always be honest with the kid and explain to him that you dont like his behavior. Tell him that until he is considerate of other people abd their property his is not allowed to play at your house. Further more, tell him lying is unacceptable to your family. You might be suprised to find he is receptive to this! Best wishes

I recently had the same situation. I knew his homelife was very different from ours and wanted to allow him to play here and fell welcomed and loved, but he just wouldn't follow our rules, simple ones like yours- no fighting, throwing rocks/sticks, etc. I told the little boy that we had rules at our house and because he couldn't respect our home that he wasn't allowed to play here anymore. I was nice about it, but very clear. He came back once, and I restated the same thing. He hasn't been back. It bothered me for a little while because I felt like I was being mean, but children, espically visitors, have to understand it is a privilege to be invited to someone elses house and they have to respect the rules.

I would have my husband go over and explain to the boys parents that you and your husband do not want him at your home. Or even the both of you could pay a visit and explain why. Then nicely ask them to keep their son away from your home.
If that doesn't work, I would send them a bill for the car window that was broken and ask for half. They are responsible for their sons actions in a court of law.

I agree with the suggestions to speak directly to the boy. I have three boys and our home/yard is often a center for the neighborhood boys. There is much to recommend the position of "Kool-aid Mom". Being able to know what the kids are up to is a big advantage and being able to intercede when necessary is as well.

You did the right thing by speaking with the boys parents. Its a shame that they chose not to help thier son correct his behavior. I've been in similar situations and it can be sticky, but you have to address behavior issues that are harmful and disruptive. In our neighborhood....the bullies don't bully if they want to be at our house or play with my boys. I would never attempt to overstep and discipline someone elses child I will absolutely step in and stop unacceptable behavior and admonish wrong choices.

Children tend to respond to clear, firm, caringly stated boundaries. Even when....and perhaps especially when, those boundaries and expectations are not being set at home. Consider giving the boy chance to learn how to play by the rules. Its not really your job, but it could be a good thing.

Hi B., We have a 2 brothers like that where I live, too. The parents do nothing at all to discipline them. They are very destructive. I do not allow my child to play with them and most of the other parents are the same way. I even have one neighbor who is willing to call the police the next time there is an incident because now they are hitting the rest of the kids. These kids are also troublemakers in school. I think the best way to deal with it is to do exactly what we are doing: if you can't play nice then you don't have any friends. Also tell the parents that any damage caused by their kids will have to be paid for and back it up with the law if you have to. You're not being mean, you're being responsible. If children are not taught when they are small how to behave, what will happen when they grow up?
Good luck, C.

I say talk to the mother again and tell her than her son is still coming over and that he is not welcome there.If he continue to come then either ignore the knocks or keep turning him away and eventually he will stop coming over.

Hi,

Recently I've had this same problem with my two children age 9 and 11. I had a talk with one of the children and learned that my daughter actually had some involvement with the unacceptable behavior. So, I clearly stated my position to both my daughter and the friend and we've been okay since then.

However, with my son it's different. I would suggest maybe speaking with the parent again to ler her know that you've decided it's best the boys don't play together anymore, so that way you're not being "mean" to the child. His parents should have better control, but maybe she doesn't know. You mentioned the little boy blatantly lies, maybe he has his mother believing his stories. As mothers our vision is sometimes skewed when it comes to our little people.

I think you handled it just fine. You talked to his mom and you talked to both the boys. If the other mother's parenting style is effecting your son, then you have a right to sever that relationship, because you have an obligation to your son to lead him in the right direction.

If it were me, I'd take him back to his house each and every time he came over and make his mother understand that he cannot play with my son. Period.

After about 10 times of this, mom might get the hint.

Arguing about it won't help, either. Just be firm in your commitment to raise a better son. If that means raising your voice a little, then so be it.

Sounds like this kid has only one friend in the world and that would be your son. But his behavior is bad and it will carry over to your son if you're not careful.

You may want to consider implementing directed play with much closer supervision. Kids often will do things they wouldn't typically do if each child was on his or her own - they egg each other on... we found that directed play with adult participation (or random checking in or showing up with popsicles, etc once in a while) kept our kids on the straight and narrow and taught the neighborhood kids how to play appropriately at our home.

I'm not trying to be rude but you need to put your foot down with the neighbor's child. Tell him that he can't play with your son for X amount of days or weeks because he and your son lied to you about the incident with the car window. Then after the set time is over let him come back and let him know you'll be keeping an eye on them. Also let your son know that if the child does anything that you wouldn't agree with him he is to come let you knwo immediately. Then you can send the child home and tell him you gave him a chance and for him not to come back......he needs to learn respect for other people's homes, yards, things, etc.....that's how I would handle but then again my fam pics at me sometimes and calls me "drill sergent"

I wouldn't be mean about it, but it will seem like it when you stand firm in your beliefs. If you've already told the mother that you don't ever want them to play together anymore...assuming that she understood forever and not just that day....and the boy keeps coming over, I would take him back home each time and tell his mother as nice as you can (even though it will seem mean and she may get defensive) that you don't want your son to play with him anymore. Remember, you have been entrusted with your child and are building a lasting relationship with him, not your neighbors, not strangers, your children.

By taking him back each and every time or at least going over to his house (if he won't follow you) and telling his mother each and every time, she'll get tired of it. If you know her phone number, you can also call and talk to her or leave a message each time, if she begins to not answer the door. (Just another thought, in case that starts to happen as well.)

The last thing that you can do if none of the above works, is to take the child under your wings and invite him over and begin teaching him the correct way to behave. If his mother doesn't like it, I'd expect she'll keep him home after that. :0)

An 8 year old's personality is not set in stone. There is no bigger motivator for him to change than peer pressure, the desire to play with friends. You have an opportunity here. The play will have to be supervised and the consequences immediate. I thought Miss Cynthia's post was excellent.

I strongly disagree with the people that say to be rude to the mom. That won't do anything but get you an enemy. Be respectful and keep the focus on the behavior that needs to change. You don't know what is going on in that house. Do unto others as you would have done unto you.

Do you have his phone number? If so call his mother and explain to her that you do not want her son at your house-period and if there is anything she doesn't understand about that. Also, you could tell her if he continues to come onto your property, you will have him removed for tresspassing. That might make her ears perk up and pay attention! I'm with you and a lot of the other ladies on her, I'm sick and tired of kids getting away with what ever. Our camper got broke into last week becasue a couple of high school kids thought it would be a fun thing to do!! All because they were bored because they have everything they've ever wanted from toys to playstations!!

Be mean!!

~S.

how do you know that she didn't discipline him? my concern and prayers are for this little boy sitting by the side of the road and his mom who is having a tough time raising him...and don't worry about being mean...you are already being mean...

Part of being a mom is parenting by example other kids as well. Good job on that! Now you just have to know you did the right thing and not respond to the little manipulation the neighbor kid is pulling on you. Next time can you call the mom and say" Robby is at my house and repeatably knocks on our door to play even though I am sure you told him they won't be able to play again" He is trying to wear you down and is doing so because its always worked for him. Now be strong!

If you want to give playtime a shot again with this kid, supervise the visits.

Hi B.:

You could take the approach that you are going to teach the child some lessons in life if the mother is not. What I would do is make him confess the true story of what happended with the rock throwing and then make it clear that if he is going to be at your house he will go by your rules and one of those rules will be not to lie. You could also talk to your son about what it means to be a leader and not a follower. Who knows, in the big picture of life this could be your opportunity to change someone's life direction.

How much is it costing you to replace your window? BE MEAN! Who cares! His mother obviously isn't doing HER job so you have no choice but to be assertive to keep your son from his influences.

Hello. I agree with many of the other moms who have suggested putting a time limit on not allowing the boys to play together. Based on your account of his actions following the window incident, it sound like he is accustomed to manipulating the truth and/or wearing his parents down to get what he wants. As parents of our own children or even as a parent with in our community we often struggle with discipline when it borders being mean or maybe just making us feel as if we are being mean. Your reaction, how you handled it and feelings afterwards, in my opinion are both necessary and appropriate. If you decide to give the young man another chance, stay true to the rules that apply to playing at your home and with your son. Stand firm and explain to him why they are not allowed to play together. They both made a bad choice by throwing rock and in turn lying about it. Hopefully, this will help both boys see that they must be accountable for the choices that they made on that day and moving forward. In time, he will quickly learn that different moms / families have different rules and even if he only follows them while at you house, he will be mindful of his choices while playing with your son and curb his behavior if he wants to continue their friendship.