Return to the Nest

I agree with Angela. Maybe you can give him a bit more time. It does take a while to get the whole military thing going.

He's 19. If I would have changed my mind about school and my parents told me that I had one month to move out of their house, I would have been very hurt. You are still trying to find out who you are at that age. He will be a man the rest of his life. He'll be a man even sooner when he gets into the military. I would not worry so much unless he is not helping out around the house at all, then I would have some ground rules. It sounds like there are other reasons why you do not want him there.

**Typically** the longest one has to wait to be shipped out is 3 months. It depends on how full bootcamp or basic (depending on which branch) is at any given time / the recruiters quotas (recruiters need to have a minimum number of recruits signed sealed and delivered every month, they try and space them fairly evenly). It's also fairly common for it to be a 48 hour process. See the recruiter, take the ASVAB, stay the night in the hotel, ship out.

HOWEVER the 48 hour thing is a "take watcha get" kind of desperation move. Far better is to take your time a bit (take the asvab to determine which range of jobs you qualify for, and then to get a guarantee on that particular job before shipping out... you can still lose it if anything happens in training, or if the job quotas change, but it at least gives you a 2/3s -or thereabouts- probability of getting it.

STEP 1) Meet with a recruiter. It takes about an hour to go through the questionaire to find out if he automatically qualifies

STEP 1.5) Apply for any "waivers' (drug waivers are the most common, but there's a whole host of them running through the gamut of disqualifying factors... It's easier to get waivers from certain areas than from others... there's a running joke that in CA you can get a "missing limb waiver"

STEP 2) Take the ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery)

STEP 3) Make sure that you meet the min requirements for weight:height, running, situps, pushups, etc.

STEP 4) Sign up for as many "extras" as possible. Recruiters have a lot of incentives to offer. And they vary by branch. I've had friends who got a 10k signing bonus from certain branches, along with a guaranteed job (the usmc doesn't have that kind of $, but I did get an automatic promotion to E2 on graduation by "referring" 2 people... don't know if that program still exists. Rank increase = pay increase, so it's not something to sniff at. Same token, it's best, ime to get through the lower ranks as quickly as possible. My best mate came in E2 like I did, beat me out for top so got her E3 upon graduation of bootcamp (I caught up in combat training). But many of our platoonmates were still E1s after a year or more.

ANYHOW... point being is that 1) this process is something you REALLY want to research, because once you take an oath... you're no longer a citzen with rights. You're property under the jurisdiction of the UCMJ, and this is you *life* for the next 4+ years. Work out as many details as possible. Understand what the process is. (recruitment, bootcamp, combat training, c-schools, a-schools, etc).and 2) that this is a HUGE step. A little bit of grieving / spending time with family isn't inappropriate

Yes, to a certain extent.

He's a teenager and still trying to figure out life. Maybe he needs your husband for just a bit longer to teach him how to be a man (that is where most boys should learn).

I can't believe I'm saying this because I'm not big on enabling adult children! In light of his history, though, he may still need to finish growing up.

In any event I would "back off" with my husband and see what happens. He is your husband's child and you don't want to force your husband to choose between the two of you (at least I wouldn't). You really can't control how your husband handles it - all you can control is your reaction to it.

Good luck - tough situation.

If he is leaving for the military in the next couple of months, why on earth would you want him to "move out" for 2, even 3 months (it won't be longer than that)? That makes no sense. He is going to grow up quickly in the military and may not see his dad for very long periods of time. Let them have this short time together now. Have your husband talk to him about pitching in and helping by giving him specific responsibilities on a daily or weekly basis. I agree with Shelley...sounds like there's more to why you don't want him around. Ask yourself HONESTLY...if he were *your* son, would you feel differently? I think you'd want him around while you could have him.

No you are not being unreasonable. I still live with my parents and I'm 23. While I was pregnant I was cooking and cleaning and pulling my weight around the house. Not only was I pregnant but I was puking 2 times an hour the entire 9 months!!!! Because of this I was not able to work. My siatic nerve was causing me so much pain that it hurt to stand for 5 minutes, let alone cook a meal that took about 2 hours to cook and the cleaning afterwards.
You need to tell him (and your husband) that while he lives there he has to pull his weight by cleaning, yard work, or shock!!! cooking (even if it's only mac and cheese). You are not running a free hotel.
As soon as it was possible for me to get a job and go back to school, I did. I now pay rent, still cook, clean, and even the dreaded yard work. As much as i want to believe the army will kick him into shape, I doubt it. I know so many men while in the service and on the clock, they are excellent at doing what's needed. But the second they step inside the house, it's back to their old routine. Hope your step son wont be one though!!

I think there is a sense of being unreasonable with expecting him to know how to be a man at 19. He's a kid. He needs direction and guidance and it needs to come from someone he will respect it coming from. Your husband should def sit with him and make a plan. There shouldnt be any pressure to move out, but there should be rules, boundaries and responsibilites! Waiting for the military? Never heard of ANYONE having to wait for anything but their start date! Has he met with a recruiter? Has he explored his options and opportunites with each branch? I understand your frustrations and expectations, but give him some love, support & guidance. I would def talk to you husband and then have a family meeting. Let him know you both are there to support and encourage him, but you need to know from him, what he wants first so you guys can do that.

How long has he been at your house? One month seems a little unreasonable...in today's job market to expect him to be able to find a job and move out on his own. I would encourage him to find work...even if it is a part time job...and talk with him..and with your husband...about some ground rules...if he is living there for free then it seems reasonable to me that he be expected to contribute in some way to the household. Let him take charge of the upkeep of the yard...does he know how to do the laundry or would he be ruining more things than it was worth??
You need to find a way to help him learn how to be a responsible adult but you aren't going to do that by just tossing him out on his ear. My suggestion to any of my friends who have an adult child move back home with them is to charge them "rent"...but secretly put that money aside...or at least part of the money...and give it to them when they do move out...as a sort of "start up fund". That way you are teaching them responsibility but you are still being helpful to them when they need it the most.
I know how difficult it can be to be a step mother...I have been a step mother for 42 years now and believe me it has been a challenge on more than one occasion!! But you have to keep in mind that you are dealing with a child ( and at 19 he is still a child in so many ways!!) who has not had the benefit of a solid upraising, with a good foundation....so many issues arise from being raised in a split household. Stop and think that you are helping him to lay the foundation for the rest of his life. So , don't let him just sit there at your house and play computer games and enjoy the "good life"...but you can't do it by just fussing at him. You need to "teach" him what the world expects of him. Do it in a loving, concerned way...let him know that you care about him and his future. Think of the gift you can be giving this young man, by helping to equip him to live the rest of his life in a successful way! And think of how your husband is going to feel when he sees tha you love his son enough to want the very best for him.

Hello, This 19 year old is a man now. He needs to start acting like one. His father needs to tell him to get a job and start paying rent. When our kids left school it was made very clear to them that they HAD to have a job and they HAD to pay $50 a week. This was a pretty small amount considering they couldn't get room and board anywhere else for that price. They all knew that we meant it and didn't argue. I would talk to his dad and tell him that this is important to his son to help him to become a responsible adult. Pampering him will only lead to him being a bum his whole life.
Good luck.
K. K.

the military does take time, but as long as he is ACTIVELY trying to get into the military, it shouldn't be an issue to let him focus on that and give him the extra time. he'll need to hit up a recruitor, make sure he meets all the physical aspects, get the ASVAB study guide, study, take multiple practice tests and get him in to take the ASVAB...HOWEVER, getting into the military WILL take longer than a month if he wants to test high enough to keep him off the front lines of war. Even if he was a good student in HS he STILL needs to study that asvab so he doesn't test so low he's having to walk around the war zone picking up his dead buddies (harshly put but you know what i mean)

that's how my brother did it, and it think it took him 3 months or so (and i mean hard core, with a tutor, full time 8-12 hour days studying that ASVAB)

I really encourage you to suck it up if he wants to enlist..that could be the best thing he could do for himself, my brother has had a blast in the military and a VERY fit, well built man...war took a tole on him mentally, but it does most.

if he joins the military, and stays active, he's set for life and he'll never need financial help again......i route for you to give him the extra time there.

if he's not joining the military, the by ole means---he needs to get a burger flipping job, and get in an apartment-30 day PERIOD or work out a "live here as tenant and pay bills" kinda deal so if he wants to go to school, he can afford that and not be tempted as easily with the females and get someone pg...........that'll really set him back-could still happen but with support at home, chances are less likely

however, i agree with other posts, he's only 19 (old enough to be on his own, but still young enough HE doesn't even know WHO he is or what he wants to become) how would you feel if this was your kid? give him a chance to figure out WHO HE IS and WHERE HE wants to be.....besides a couch potatoe on couch :)

Has he enlisted? You should know when he will leave, it usually doesnt take very long. I'm with you on the fact that he's 19 and needs to be doing something. Mine both went into the army at 18 and 19. This is probably hard on his Dad.... my sons dad cried the day the enlistment officer came and picked them up at our house. I would make sure your stepson is helping out with chores and such. Dont be afraid to ask him to help out around YOUR house. If you let him get too comfortable he wont want to go anywhere.
I'd find out what you are waiting on with his military enlistment paper work.. and get that ball rolling.
Talk "nicely" to your hubby about it and dont try to sound like a "drill Sargent" yourself :) Patience with this is probably your best bet.... along with slight nudges to make sure hubby knows where you stand and that you want his son to be a man and not a loafer. Time goes by SO fast and I'm hearing your concern that he might be vegging there for another year... yikes.

No, you are not being unreasonable. He should be looking for a job or doing something productive; definitely not sitting around the house playing video games all day. I wouldn't give him a deadline on moving out until he finds out whether or not he's accepted into the military. If he is, then let him stay until he's actual enlists although he should have some responsiblities around the house. If not, then he should have a deadline by which he needs to get a job and then move out. 1 month is not enough time for him to move out though because he'll need to get a job and actually save money for the security deposit and other costs.

I agree with some of the other moms that he is still finding out who he is at 19, but he can't do that without guidance and discipline from the adults in his life. He is old enough to have responsibilities and if he is allowed to continue to lay around and play all day, he'll never grow up.

You're not being unreasonable at all. As a matter of fact, if you don't set some ground rules now, you'll be facing worse problems down the road.

Even if he is planning the on military, it wouldn't hurt to look for a job until he leaves. If he doesn't have any income, how is he surviving. You need to set limits on the items that you and hubby will pay for. You only pay for his basic needs. He's responsible for his transportation, cell phone, entertainment, etc.

I'd also set up strict rules about curfews and chores that need to be done, daily and weekly.

As far as a time limit, that's very difficult since you don't know the military time line.

Huh? Joining the military takes time? My son joined the Army National Guard 3 years ago. He went in to the recruiter mid-January and by the beginning of February he was gone to boot camp.

Is he trying for a hard to get into MO? Or trying to become an officer or something unusual? My understanding is that they take you pretty fast if you have a clean criminal record, etc.

Please accompany your son to the recruiting office or go on your own (they welcome enquiring parents BTW) to find out the details and timeline yourself before you make any decisions.

AMEN to you!!!!!!!!!!! you are not being unreasonable at all!! i love your reasoning:" if he's not going to be a student, then he needs to be a man! " love it!

19 year olds today are not like the 19 year olds of times past. They are very immature and not focused. They have been pampered and given too much. I know I did it to mine! My suggestion is that you or your husband take the time to "help" him figure out where he is going. If this means going with him to the recruitment office, or helping him fill out job apps on the internet, it will be well worth the time. It takes a long time for our teens to grow up.

Best of luck, M.

Ok...so first, 19 may legally be an adult but he's not really...he's "in transition".

My second thought is...job hunting is mostly an online experience now. There's not much "hitting the pavement" that's going to be a good use of his time. And...job market still isn't great out there.

Third, it does sound like he's a little bit lost (which I think is kind of normal at this age)...it might be best for him to park it at home with people who love him while he figures this out. You railing on him daily to get a move on is going to have an opposite effect of what you want.

Lastly, he may be your husband's biological child, but you're married, you've helped raise him, he's your child too...Love him, support him and help him find his way, but give him a little time too. If after six months there isn't any real progress, then maybe you set up some rules, rent payments, a finite date of how long living with you is ok, but for now, just give him some space...

My two cents...

-M

My son is 14 and we often talk about what he will be doing when he graduates high school. He has several options:

1 - go to college full time, if local he can live with me
2 - go to college part time and work part time, if local he can live with and help with the household bills
3 - work full time - he can have 6 months to save up and move out while contributing to household bills
4 - join AmeriCorps NCC or the military.

In no scenario will he be sitting in my house playing video games and laying about all day. I love him beyond belief, but my job is to raise him to be a successful, productive member of society.

First thing though, you and your hubby need to be on the same page about the situation with your stepson. If that doesn't happen nothing will change.
There is no reason the boy cannot be working somewhere while waiting on the military. You need to sit down sit with Hubby and really talk about this - how he feels, how you feel and what is best for the boy.

Good Luck!!!!