Restless Sleeper - Orangevale, CA

learn from my mistake - put Baby to bed while drowsy but not 100% asleep so he can learn to fall asleep on his own.
Also - are you still swaddling? It helps a lot.
Read "The Happiest Baby On the Block" right now! I cried when I read it - wished I'd read it while I was pregnant - not when my son was 4 months and i hadn't slept since the night before he was born.
;) You'll thank me later!!!

It makes me sad when people say a baby is spoiled or bad because it's been held and wants to be held. It's a baby, and that is what they want and need and they thrive with human touch. My 9 week old also doesn't care for his bassinet, but I respect that that's his personality and it's fine with me. Right now he falls asleep in my arms and I hold him and read until he's in a deep sleep, and then I put him down. I might hold him for more than 30 minutes. You might try waiting longer until he's in a deeper sleep.

I think it's easier for me to want to hold him this long because I also have a 2.5 year old and I remember when he was like this and how fast it went. This stage will pass! Good luck.

Dear Tiffany,
Congratulations on your little one!
First of all, I don't think your baby is spoiled.
Not yet, anyway. (lol)
I think what's happening is that he's sleeping and comfortable and then becomes startled when you try to lay him down. I would try laying him down before he falls asleep. Swaddle him, feed him, then lay him down before he completely dozes off. He may fuss for a minute, but chances are he'll learn to sleep that way.
My babies weren't great day sleepers, but I let them get used to laying in their cradles or cribs. Falling asleep is your arms is a beautiful thing, but once you lay them down, it just wakes them back up.
As far as sleeping in his swing, let him sleep there! I know people, myself included, that let their babies sleep in their car seats after getting them in the house if they were konked out. I even had a friend who was convinced their baby would only sleep in the car and I recommended just putting him in his car seat in the house to see what would happen, and sure enough....he went right to sleep. No car ride involved.
My mom always said, "Leave a sleeping baby alone."
And I think she was right.
If you want your baby to sleep in your arms and nap for an hour or two, you better be prepared to hold him without waking him up. But, if he sleeps happily elsewhere, let him do it.
You can't hold a two month old too much, really, but there's nothing wrong with NOT holding them 24/7 either.
I wish you the very best and I hope putting your baby down before going all the way to sleep will help.

Hi Tiffany,
I'm a mother of a 3yr old and a 17 mth old and still have sleeping issues with both. They say they can't be spoiled before 6 months but i have found that untrue with both kids. My son(3)has only been sleeping on his own for a yr and still gets up in the middle of the night (a couple of times a week) and gets in bed with us.He NEVER slept in his crib! My daughter started to do the same thing so we get her to sleep and she starts out in her crib and ends up at some pt of the night in our bed. Totally my fault & should have Broken this cycle early on.
My girlfriends a mother of 2 yr old twins and still has to have them fall asleep in a swing (only way they will fall asleep) and then transfers them to her bed.I let my son take his naps in the swing and he stopped around 6 mths. So if your ok with having to do this every night or sharing your bed then its all good. If you want to have him sleep on his own in his own bed then you have to start now or its just going to get harder. Beleive me i know its very hard to let them cry but its better then starting habits you just going to have to eventually break later. I've learned the hard way & still dealing with it.
A. C

HI Tiffany,

I had the same problem. My Pediatrician actually told me its quite common for infants to want to sleep in swings or car seats. They love the tight warm comforting feeling and they sleep sort of upright which they like also. My baby spit up too because Dr said the flap in their throat isn't fully developed which could be another reason they like to sleep sitting up. I used to let my baby sleep in the swing for hours so i could get some sleep but the Pediatrician recommended the car seat instead. The car seat has a little more back support when their backs are developing. He said regardless it's not going to hurt them but he thought the car seat was best. My daughter at 2 months slept through the night in her car seat. Don't worry this is very normal behavior for younger babies. I am sure what you are doing is fine.

I'd prefer the baby sleep in the car seat or swing over the bed with me so it didn't become a soothing habit for the baby.

Perhaps the bassinet just seems too confining to him. Have you tried him in a crib? If he's sleeping fine on your bed, I would think a larger space might be the answer. It may also help to simply put him down and perhaps pat his back rather than holding him until he goes to sleep. I've found you often just have to keep on trying different methods until you hit on what the child responds to well... and then just when you think you have it all figured out, they change patterns and you have to begin experimenting all over again!

Dear Tiffany:

"Spoiling" a child by shown love and responding to the child's needs and preferences used to be a concept when I was young 77 years ago, but is now not considered relevant. Believe your pediatrician about this. They used to also think that holding achild too much was not good for the child's development. Also not true. I doubt if a 6 month old child can even be spoiled unless it is meant that the child cries for candy or something else inappropriate or harmful to his health and the parent gives in because of the crying. Showing love and being close are not spoiling.

I have recently enjoyed observing the great grandchild, second daughter, who loves being held and has spent very little time outside of someone's arms. I love it when my (step great grandmother) arms get to hold her. She is the happiest most confident and outgoing child imaginable.

So all I can say is that if you are doing the same and hold your baby as much as you can, good for you and your child will benefit greatly. Do what you feel is best for your baby and the baby loves and do not be worried about what a lot of advisors (including me) have to say!!

Enjoy enjoy enjoy!! Blessings on your family!

My son was the same way! He practically lived in his swing. We let him sleep there as long as he would. Our swing had a timer so it would turn off but by that time he would be fast asleep. Do you have a positioner in the bassinet? My son liked the feeling of being close. So we figured out to get a sleeping positioner or we just rolled up two recieving blankets and stuffed them on either side of him in his bassinet and he slept okay. If it was after 4am then we would let him sleep the rest of the time with us just because we were so tired at that point. We switched him to his crib by three months. He did fine in there with the positioner. Hope this helps.

Hey Tiffany,
Both of my boys slept in the carseat at night for about the first 3 months. I have a friend whose son slept in the swing. My stance is, sleep is sleep and as long as your son is safe where he lies it is okay. Of course you should try other things to see if they work (baby bumpers, swaddling, etc.) you want him accustomed to falling asleep in different places/environments/noise levels even if it for a short nap but above all let him sleep where he wants...as long as he isn't going to slip out.
And as far as other people are concerned, dont let it bother you people say the craziest things when is comes to kids. I have learned not to offer up certain information to people.

Hope this Helps,
S.

Hi Tiffany,

I'm sorry you're getting a little "flack" for holding your baby so much....it's hard enough being a first-time mommy trying to figure everything out, let alone, being told you're doing something wrong. With that said, YOU are the mommy, and you know best! Unfortunately, you will encounter these situations throughout raising your son.

Your little son spent the last 9 MONTHS inside the most perfectly warm and cozy sleeping quarters....your belly. Out in this world, it is cold, and not so cozy at first. OF COURSE your newborn wants to sleep with you and Daddy, it's the SOUNDS, SMELLS, AND SECURITY that he's used to feeling, hearing, and simply sensing. It's your job to make him "feel" safe and secure :o)

If you're not already doing so) make sure you are wrapping him up snug and tight in a receiving blanket. This helps creates the same sleeping quarters as your belly. This makes for an easier sleep.

As far as putting him his bassinette, that's a toughy! My youngest was the same way. He always wanted to be held when he was sleeping. So, because he was a "cat napper" anyway, (lots of shorts naps) I took that as MY TIME to relax and watch TV. Keep trying to put him down, eventually it will be a success, but for now, he just wants to feel secure :O)

Anyway, WHO CARES if you hold him too much!!!??? That's the whole point of having a new baby :O) I think this time is important for holding because you "bond" with your baby quicker. Bonding makes it easier to "figure him out" later as he is transitioning into new phases of growth.

I am sorry, but I completely disagree with the ability to "spoil" an infant, and even a toddler. Sure there are routines to establish, but they can be established through the love of holding and loving, too.

Unfortunately, Tiffany, "suggestions and comments" don't stop. You will need to learn how to politely say something to stop the comments. Always remember, Mommy knows what's best. Be confident in that, and know that. You are the Mommy, and what you say......goes :o)

Congratulations on your new son. Hold him all you want!

~N. :o)

You cannot spoil a baby by holding it. Your baby will grow and be wiggling away from your arms to crawl and then walk, until then hold your baby as much as you can. He will be calmer, cry less, and be more secure. Your parents are giving you bad advice.

When deciding about where to have your baby sleep, remember that the goal is that all of you get enough sleep. Try reading Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr M Weissbluth. It will help to have something to hold up when arguing with your parents. It also has a lot of really helpful info and sleep stategies.

Many newborns have trouble sleeping on a flat surface because their spines are still curved. They do straighten out, but that is why they often sleep better in infant carriers or swings. You wouldn't be the first to give in.

The reason your baby likes your bed is that it smells like you.

To make the bassinet work better, take a tshirt that you have worn and put it on the mattress (like dressing it). Make sure to pin the extra fabric underneath and the put the sheet on it.

My son wouldn't sleep in his bassinet for longer than 20 minutes initially. But then 2 things that worked really well for us - swaddling (check out Happiest Baby on the Block dvd or book) and also using a heating pad on low to warm up the bassinet, then take out the heating pad before you put him in.

After a couple of months, we stopped using the heating pad and then a couple months after that, we stopped swaddling. Good luck!

Consider an arm's reach cocoon swing. It is not motorized...just a basinette on a swing top, so when the baby stirs, they rock it themselves. Our newborn loves it!

If he is happy in his swing, leave him in his swing. He obviously needs some movement to feel secure. There are bassinets that provide some movement that you can get. I have seen them at greatly reduced prices at Once-Upon-A-Child. If you are worried about his sleeping in the swing, try one of those. We used to have to "drive" my daughter to sleep because I delivered flowers while I was pregnant with her and she would only go to sleep with the motion of the car.

T.

Hi Tiffany, The Ped is nuts. A baby can be spoiled or get into a routine very early. My granddaughter wass the same way because its hard to not want to hold them all the time espoecially with your first child. Whast works for mine is swaddling her tightly so it makes her feel that security plus she always has her hands by her head and moves them alot waking herself up.

My son was very similar. He did not sleep well in the co-sleeper bassinet right next to the bed, he didn't sleep well in the bassinet/pack-n-play, and he didn't sleep well even with us in bed. At two months, my mom suggested I put him to bed in his crib after briefly rocking him before he fell completely asleep and then putting him in his bed. I hadn't considered it before because we were having a tough time with colic and were so used to holding him constantly and sleeping near him. I put him in his crib one morning for a nap and low and behold, he slept better and longer. We also had another bed in his room which I used to nap and sleep on because I didn't want my husband to constantly wake up too. A friend also suggested the books, "The Happiest Baby on the Block" and "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" and they were WONDERFUL. They helped save my sanity and I wished I had gotten these BEFORE my son was born. After using the suggestions in these books, I became a happier mom getting a full night's sleep. It took me a while and I transitioned out of his room to the room next door and then back to my bed with the monitor. He has been sleeping through the night since he was 7 1/2 months. Since you are getting a hold of such great advice and references to books now, you will be ahead of the game in the long run. Hang in there. Some babies are tough to work our all the sleep kinks, but you will get there and when everything falls into place you will feel like a different person. All the best to you and your little one.

Tiffany,

A couple things to try- line the bassinet with one of your t-shirts or a blanket that you have slept with so that when you but baby in he can still smell you- also might want to warm the bassinet before you but him in- with either a hot water bottle or heating pad- just be sure to take it out before you but him in- It is shocking for you little one to go from your warm arms to a cold bed. Hope this helps-

M.

Hi Tiffany.
My daughter, now 2, was the same way. I bought the book The Baby Whisperer, by Tracy Hogg. It worked wonders for me. It takes you step by step through issues such as yours. It also helped us to get in a basic Eat, Sleep, & play time routine. Check it out if you get the chance. Hope it works for you. Believe it or not, there is light at the end of the tunnel

My son when through similar "stuff". My daughter too, but to a lesser extent. They're only little for such a short time...hold them, hug them, love them. You're the mom. It's a weird transition to make...from being "not a mom" to being a mom. One day something will happen and your ire will get up and you'll own it...you'll say, if only to yourself, "I'm the momma" with RESOLVE! And what you say goes! (it's a beautiful thing too!)

What does being spoiled at this age mean? Does it mean they want you to hold them even more? It's possibe that's what you want too! It's hard when your parents are suggesting you're not doing things "right". That's where the real problem lies, isn't it? On the other hand, your mom and/or dad probably feel like they have YEARS of experience and they want to help you and have you benefit from all they learned.

Maybe you can leave the baby with the baby's dad and have some one-on-two time with your folks and tell them what great parents they were and how much you value having them in your baby's life. Maybe you can just ask them about their experiences in raising you and (if you have them) your siblings. And just listen. Listen for the joy of the shared history. You don't have to look at it like advice...just family history. Keep prompting them with questions...and let them tell you in their own time. At the end of the evening, tell them Thank you for all they did because now you know how hard it is to be sleep deprived and still have to get up and feed a baby, etc.

Ask them about the involvement of their parents in raising you. Just try to get to understand them better and appreciate them.

Then in the future when comments are made like "you'll spoil that child" you can say (without scarcasm) "wow, do you think so?" and let them explain why. If you can have a conversation with your mom without the emotional energy of being put in the position of being the child who has to obey, just say something like "that's really interesting, I will think about that too. I have been doing reading/research/having conversations with other moms/the ped and it seems to me that..." I found my mom interested in the new thinking on child raising when we could discuss it and I listened to her too.

Hopefully your folks will listen to you since you took the time to listen to them and hear their experiences. We all just want to be heard and to be important...and we all want our loved ones to be good and honest and capable, etc. They want that for you and they want that for their grandchild. I hope their intentions are in your best interest...some of their ideas may just out dated...and let's face it, you're 30, it was about 30 years ago...how vividly do they remember? Of course, when your baby gets to be in your position, you'll have to remember it is likely some of your baby raising skills are outdated too, and you'll need to let him do it the way he and his wife dictate...imagine that! :-)

If you create a problem, you have to live with it and fix it, right? So go create your own problems...solutions, situations and life. It's all good!

Good luck
P.

My daughter (who is now 15 months) was also the same way. She napped very well on the sofa during the day but at night, either my husband or I would have to hold her or sleep with her. The grandparents also said that we were spoiling her but our pediatrician told us to do whatever was necessary for everyone to sleep. Our ped said that you can not spoil a baby at this age. Our ped also said if the baby likes the swing and can nap in there that it's ok. It won't hurt their backs. Do whatever feels right to you. Don't let other people's opinions affect you. You are the mama and you know what is best for you and your baby. Don't worry too much about transitioning him to his crib. When he is ready, he will let you know. Congrats and take care!

Hi Tiffany,
Sounds pretty normal. I agree, an infant can't be spoiled. They can, however, begin to learn patterns and what actions make them happy or unhappy. After 4 kids, the only way I've found for sure to get my kids to sleep in their own spots is to put them down and let them cry for a while. I know everybody cringes over that suggestion, but it has worked for me every time. My youngest is now 14 months old. She still doesn't like to go to bed, but I put her down when it's naptime or bedtime, she fusses for about 2 minutes and goes to sleep. Problem solved. It's painful for a short time, and well worth it...for them AND for you. Good luck and God bless.

Hi and congrats on your bundle of joy! I too am mommmy to a 2 month old baby boy...they are a blessing! Have you tried laying him in his bassinet before he falls asleep? We do that and it seems to work. My baby also takes a pacifier which makes it a little easier. Also, try bathing him right before bed time. That helps my little guy relax and he goes down much easier on the nights that we bathe him. Good luck...I know how precious sleep is these days!

Well, your baby probably IS too young to be spoiled - but if you are not careful, and don't teach him to sleep on his own, it will turn into a problem later. I LOVE holding my newborns, and snuggling them until they fall asleep. The trick is knowing when they need to do it on their own.

A lot depends on you and your personality. Do you mind having him sleep with you? Do you mind holding him until he falls asleep? If you don't mind, there isn't a problem! If you wish he could do it on his own, than you probably should start figuring out what will help him do that! I have a niece who is 5, and mom or dad still has to lay down with her so she will go to sleep, and she still gets up in the middle of the night a few times...

I have 4 kids, and my sleep is way too precious to me for that --- and I love to be able to just put the kids to bed and be done with it. But that's just me. You have to decide what's right for you.

Good luck!

Your comment about the grandparents saying he is spoiled cracked me up! Imagine a two year old having the capacity to intentionally manipulate you. My mother in law made the same comment when they came out right after the birth of my third baby. She said, "you can't hold that baby so much" and my reply? I'll hold this baby as much as I want, thanks! Okay so maybe I just muttered it under my breath! My point is, that baby is now nearly 12 and she walks, eats and sleeps like any other 12 yr old! My second son was a very light sleeper and cat napped the first two years of his life. It was rough. All four of my kids slept with me in the beginning since it was just plain easier since I nursed them. They all had different sleeping habits. I say whatever gets you the most sleep is good for you! The baby swing is okay for now but once he gets more mobile you'll need to come up with an alternative. My best advice is hang in there, love that baby with all you've got and trust yourself.

I'm not going to offer you advise, but my experience. My daughter was exactly like your son. She would sleep for days in our arms. We too put her in our bed. No, I put her in our bed. She turned eight 3 weeks ago. We required her to move into her own bed. She's there, except on weekends, if her expectations are met (chores, practice, etc.).

She's eight and still in my bed.

Let him cry and learn to sooth himself to sleep. Talk to the ped., get books and read them, hire a sleep expert, what ever it takes to help him sleep on his own.

Stephanie

You cannot spoil a child by holding them, responding to them, interacting with them, loving them, before or after six months. You do, however, need to establish good habits as soon as possible, and if you let him into your bed whenever he cries, you are creating a really bad habit. If he likes to sleep in his swing, let him nap in his swing, but you will have to decide what to do about night time. Co-sleeping is great, I'm not knocking it, but if you don't like it, or your husband doesn't, and you want him in his own bed, you will have to do "cry-it-out." Set aside a couple nights when you both are ready to put him down and let him cry until he goes to sleep, and then do it. Don't go in to pat him on the back, or speak to him through the door, or give in after you've let him cry for several hours. Just let him cry until he goes to sleep. It is the quickest, least painful way to do it, believe me! Once you have let him cry it out, you won't have any more trouble.

There is a lot of material out there about attachment parenting. The swing is comfortable and soothing for babies because it sort of mimmicks the movement when baby is inside of you and you are moving. The cosleeping and wanting skin to skin contact are natural and normal desires for a baby. Your responding to that promotes closeness/attachment. I agree with Shane B.'s response below about trying to lay baby down before he is fully asleep rather than after. My daughter's always seemed to know when I was about to put them down & would wake up during that transition. If they fall asleep in your arms & you cosleep, it is easier to transition them into the bed next to you then to a bed alone. Babies like to feel a warm body next to them. Also, if they wake up in the same place where they have fallen asleep then it is easier for them to go back to sleep. I think adults are similar, most of us like a warm body next to us and it is easier to go back to sleep when we wake up in the same place we went to sleep. It's a bit disconcerting if we wake up in a different place/room. There will be people out there who say you are doing it wrong or "spoiling" your child, but rest assured there is much to say that you are doing it right. If you do some reading in thes area you may feel more comfortable to give yourself permission to follow your instincts and your child's signals.

check out:
attachment.org
attachmentparenting.org
askdrsears.com

R. Faridnia, MSW, LCSW (& mom of 4 daughters age 3 to 21)