Respect - Medfield,MA

I have the same problem.. my husband feels since I'm home, it's my Job to do it all because that's what his mother did.. well guess what - I'm no martha stewart and I'm admittedly NOT a good housewife! we've found over it time and time again.. nothing changes.. I look at is this way, you can have a clean home or you can have happy kids - I chose the happy kid thing.. you can't do it all alone. if he doesn't like it, then he can clean..

M.,
Even though it seems I'm a little late with advice, I will tell you what I did. I work three days a week (at a very, very busy real estate office) as a business manager. My husband has a very physically demanding job. Needless to say, he would be 'exhausted' at the end of his work day (as if I wasn't because all I did was sit in an office all day!) and lounge on the couch while I would make dinner, do the dishes, play with the kid, get said kid bathed and in bed, make coffee for the morning along with our lunches for the next day! He used to expect that I would be his mother. His mom is IMMACULATE (she sweeps the floor & cleans the bathroom before she leaves for work at 7:30am!!! EWWWW), I am 'lived in'. After a year of doing everything (cooking, cleaning, laundry, making baby happy, making myself 'presentable' every day, then acting romantic if my hubby wanted a little somethin, somethin) I said ENOUGH! I was wandering down a very dark path because I was so resentful! I decided what I hated the most and hired a housecleaner behind his back. He was bulls(*&*^ at me but I kept her because I budgeted for her. He finally 'put his foot down' and said no more housecleaner so I just didn't clean. I mean, I didn't clean for two months! Not even a bathroom! It was so incredibly disgusting in my house my husband finally asked me when "Maria" was coming back!

I also went online to find a grocery delivery that worked for me. Stop and shop has Peapod and Roche bro's has their delivery service too. At the beginning it was costing more to shop there than at the grocery store (delivery fee) but I started clipping coupons and doing the shopping after dinner and now I am saving about $80 a month doing it this way - Never mind the time and eneregy I am saving by not schlepping my son along with me.

Good luck!
M.

Hi M.. I had to laugh outloud when I read your issue. Not becasue it was funny , but becasue it sounded like I was writing it myself! I understand exactly what you are going through. The only thing tat seems to help (for a bit) is on Saturdays I find something to do and leave my 1 year old with my husband. Whenever I do this I do notice he has a lot more respect for what I do all week. Never mind that im also in school. As far as the cleaning thing goes, i try to make it like im soooooo grateful for all his help when he actually does something. In reality im thinking "about damn time you picked up after yourself". I dont know if any of this will help, but atleast you know you're not alone. I laugh when I read things like yours becasue if I ever get aagravated with him, I know not to bother leaving becasue they are all the same!!! haha

Being a stay at home mom is one of the toughest jobs out there and no one will understand unless they've had to try it. Your fiance will not understand what you do all day until he has the same experience. If I were you, I would plan a day for yourself and leave him home with your daughter for the entire day. On your way out, I might say "Hunny, if you get a chance would you mind wiping down the counters or picking up the living room...or whatever". When you come home, to a house that will probably be a disaster, talk about the kind of day he had and remind him that is what everyday is like for you. Its worth a shot!

Hi M.
i am sorry to say but welcome to motherhood and you should know by now men won;t help around the house. they think becuase they work all day they don't have to help out around the house and think we do nothing all day but sit around and eat bon bons like peggy bundy. sorry to say it's not like that. you are right about them not knowing what it is like to stay home all day and raise these kids. its not easy and we don't get a day off or paid for it either. my bf is the same way. he is a plumber and work 5-6 days a week and thinks just b/c he works all week doesn't mean he has to help aropund the house. i have to tell you that the house is never going to be spotless like it was before kids and if that means letting eberything go then so be it let it go. enjoy your child becuase the housework will always be there and the dirty disehs etc but you can neevr get this time back with your child growing up. i told my bf he has to help me i need a break and he promised to help out so i will stop bitching at him and he probably did the dishes once since i asked him and maybe took the clothes out of the dryer a few times but harping them to do something is only going to get them more aggravated with you. my bf said " honey all you have to do is ask" i do asjk and it does eventually get done that is the dishes or getting the laundry from the basement. he doesn't cook clean do windows but he is a good father. my advice to you is let the laundry go but not to long enjoy your child. if your bf doesn't like it too bad tell him if he doesn't like the looks of something or he has no clean underwear then simply tell him i was to busy to get tot hat todya becuase our child took up most of the day. or simply ask him to do something instead of nagging him. i am sorry i went on and on. i hope allw orks out for you and if you want to talk further. my e-mail is ____@____.com me know what happens.

kelly

I would ask that he stay home for a day and do the things you do in a course of a day...Tell him that if he thinks you do not do a lot to grab the broom,dusting rag,mop, Or you could right down everything you do for 1 day include all the diaper changes,feedings,cooking the works do not for get to add what you do all night as well including getting up as many times to change diapers and feedings..Then set it in front of him and as that he right down what does in a course of a day see who list is longer...His job ends at a certan time where as yours is 24/7 See how this works out..May be he then would have a pretty good idea of how hard you work with no day off..

Just to let most or all of you other moms here I must be a very,very lucky women I have a husband who helps me on anything I ask..He even goes out of his way to help clean the house,dishes,laundry,feed the children,baths,cooks,gets up in the night to help out..I find that us working as a team is so much better then having onw person do it all alone...

M., I understand completly. I have a 16 month old son who is wonderful. My husband works from about 7 in the morning to at least 5:30 every night. Sometimes he comes home and sees dishes need to be done or the living room needs to be vacuumed or something like that and he huffs a little, but doesn't say anything directly about it. I have always been the one who cleans and tkes care of our son. I went back to work when our son was a bout 2 months old, and I've still got to do all of the house stuff. I work as a waitress 3 or 4 times a week at night and often have to close the restaurant. I'll come home at 11:30 at night and the dishes are piled high, there's dog hair all over our living room carpet (we have an Akita) and clothes all over our bedroom floor and my husband is sitting there watching tv. It's frustrating!! i ask what he did all day and he says that (tv watching) and played with our son. I ask why he didn't do anything and he shrugs. Well, here's my point to this whole shpeal. About a month ago, my husband had a week vacation and we spent it painting the interior of our house. We painted in shifts, one of us would watch our son and the other would paint a section of a room, then we'd switch. By the end of the week, my husband said that he didn't know how I did it. Cleaning the house, making dinner, walking the dog AND keeping our energetic little guy occupied while completing my schoolwork and working. Since then he has been helping much more around the house. I guess my advice would be this: Stop doing little things that he can do himself. If he runs out of work clothes, he can wash them. He's hungry for dinner, talk him through how to make it while you play with the baby. Maybe you guys could try a house project together and he'll see what it's like to balance everything like you do. And always remember, it's not that he doesn't appreciate you, it's just that men are stupid and don't see things that aren't written out for them. :) I hope this really long thing helps.

Hi M.--

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I'd have to disagree with a lot of the responses here and say that this is NOT true of all stay-at-home mother situations. I think you've received some good advice here. I'd try some of them, making a list of everything you do all day, getting daycare prices. Personally, I'd hire a cleaning lady. Even a good scrubbing every two weeks can make a huge difference and not cost too much.

I wouldn't argue about it though. Just state it as fact. Tell him you can't manage to do it all and you expect his help. Then follow through. If your husband is a bit sexist (and it sounds like he is) don't play into it by being the shrill harpy woman who complains all the time. One thing I did with my husband (who is willing to help, but has ADD and doesn't see the things that need doing) is assign him a couple big jobs, like my husband does all the dishes. You'll probably have some days where the sink is full, but at least you won't have to do it all. I would definitely recommend you don't do it all.

One of the keys for us was defining everything really well. We made a schedule of who had to get up with the kids early on which day and we assigned the dishes and the laundry duties. It sounded sort of crazy and anal retentive to me at the beginning, but it takes all the resentment out of things when you know what you're expected to do. There's no more pretending to be asleep when the baby cries or being angry because the dishes are dirty. You actually work as a team.

If none of that works within a reasonable period of time, tell him you want to go to counseling. Hash out an agreement there and get it in writing. (just the threat of counseling usually scares most husbands straight!)

Hang in there and don't let him see you sweat. : )

Hi M.
Yes I will let you know that we all go through it as moms!! I am a stay at home mom and my hubby asks me at times what I have done all day and I tell him that I have taken care of our son that is a hand full!!! If that isn't enough for you, then why don't we trade places and then he shuts his mouth!! Because deep down in side they know what it takes to take care of a screaming child all day and then not get anytime away!!! I hope things get better for you!!
Becca

Hi M.,
Most men just don't get how hard it is to be with little ones all day. My suggestion is leave him with the baby for a day or two. He will realize that you don't sit around all day!! You need to be able to communicate to your husband how you feel and maybe set up an arrangement of some of the things you need him to do for you. Maybe just ask him how he feels about your being home all day with the baby. Tell him you need to feel that your job is just as important as his. They don't realize this and need to be told. More importantly even though you may not be getting the validation from him remember that being with your daughter is such a huge benefit to her and you are getting the benefits of seeing her grow up and not missing things in her life!!! Hope things get better for you.

I want to give you advice but I have none, I can only commiserate. My hubby is the same way, though maybe he helps a little more around the house. He is pissy because he says I am wasting my graduate degree by staying home with kids and even though he knows i do work in the home and do a lot for us, he doesn't respect any of it as much as a paycheck. Yeah, and despite having a graduate degree, I certainly can't make enough $$$ to really make working full time anywhere near worth it until all of our kids are school age. But get him to see that...