Relatives

My mom used to be like this. So I put my foot down and said these are my children and you are welcome to buy clothes for holidays & birthdays and one outfit here & there. If you don't agree with this you can't see them. My mom soon stopped. I would just tell them that these are our kids and that we will supply them with the items they need. they can buy stuff to keep at there house for them.and if hey dont like this they dont have to see them. I know it is harsh, but sometimes it is the only way to get to them. you & your hubby need to be inagreement and stand your ground. Good Luck!

Unfortunately, you are going to have to lay down the law. They are your children and your inlaws have to respect that. It is just clothes, there are bigger things in life than that and they need to get over it.

If that is the only thing they are trying to control you're set. Let them play dress up. Soon enough the kids won't want to listen to any of you when it comes to what they wear.
Consider it a gift. Everytime you want to buy them clothes put it in a small account... for when they are in Highschool and want that pair of jeans they Must have or theyll die"", or put it aside for a special trip or a car when they graduate or even a down payment on their first houses. Just the knowledge that the account exists inspite of all of this silliness would put a smile on my face. Why not turn it into a positive.
There are so many things that we as couples will find to get in a silly fight over. Why not turn this whole thing around and let it become the family inside joke. The great luck you have with having generous all be it off beat inlaws you should cherish. Be thrilled you don't have Awful people to deal with or even worse none at all.
We lost my husbands mother at the end of September this year.. What I wouldn't give to hear one of her backhanded comments. Or One of her stories that have no end.

By the way how do you get the fruit chewies out of the carpet?

We are experiencing some similar issues with our in-laws, although not quite to the shopping extreme that you are. I'm sorry, I know it sucks to feel like they are subverting your authority as a parent, and how it makes you feel like they must think you are inadequate. I think that generally speaking, it is just misplaced joy and grandparenthood that needs to be 'calmed down,' more than an attack. But it sure can feel like an attack.

But what I was thinking was, do a compliment sandwich- tell them how much you appreciate them and their generosity, but that you do not need as much assistance with the clothing items. But that you understand how fun it is to go shopping and find cute outfits and whatnot. (But maybe that you all could go together- and that way you have some say in what gets bought, and also putting your own money into it) However, perhaps, that money could go into their college education funds- and they could buy bonds, or stocks, or something to give the kids, and know that they are really helping them and you all. My own in laws are sneaky and make sure to remove the tags right away so we can't return it- but if worse comes to worse, you could sell the clothing on ebay, and then put that money toward what you would like.

M.,
First of all, make sure they know you appreciate their generosity. Then you can explain to them how you WILL pick their clothing for special events. I would let them pick clothes occasionally and maybe even invite them shopping from time to time. Bottom line, their your kids. It sounds like you're inlaws are great people just caught up in the novelty of having multiples.

Hi M., I am L. and let me tell you that I know exactly how you feel. It is not my hubands parents its his SISTER LINDA! She has made me crazy for 10 long years! She even bought all the clothes for my girls when I brought them home from the hospital, every Christmas dress in every photo she boughtm choose and made them wear. walt and I can afford to buy for them in fact we do buy them there Christmas outfits. It wasn't until 2 years ago I learned through therapy how to set boundries and make sure those boundries are not crossed.It has been very hard because I have permitted this for years and change is awfully hard for anyone.In fact when I started to assert myself and my ideas it got ugly for a while, she wouln't come to any family functions and my poor husband was in the middle because as a man he could care less about who bought or picked out what his girls wore, in fact he looked at it like we would save money if she bought it all.I on the other hand saw it as Linda's serious isue with control.Finally I just calmly sat her down and set clear boundreis. I told her that if she so choose to buy my girls outfits for any funtions I would not promise they would wear them unless we shopped together and choose outfits we all agreed upon.If she wanted to have seperate photos taken in her Christmas dresses then so be it but my children were going to wear the clothes we choose. I told her she could keep clothes at her home so when they go over there I won't have to pack a bag and she could dress them while they visited her. I believe her issues are with the fact she is 41 not married and has no children.I know her intentions are good but my resentments built up over the years and this is what I fear may happen to you if you do not step up and set boundries for the in laws.Also I suggest that if they over do it buying the kids so many things that you feel they may be spoiled I would accept the gifts then put them up. If it comes that the children don't get around to wearing them then there are so many homeless and abused childrens shelters that need some donations exspecially around this time of year. You don't have to tell the in laws that part but you would be helping a good cause while not having children with so much excess that they don't appreciate what they have.I know that I am making this sound easier than it is and belive me it was so hard to have that talk with linda.I wrote out everything I was going to say about 100 times.And when the time came I threw all the written words away.look, they are adults and they will have to accept and respect your wishes, after all they are your children and they will eventually be okay with what ever you decide because the truth is they love the children to. Linda was angry and nastey for a while but finally came to understand and accept because the truth is it is not about us grown ups with all our squabbles but about the children who will grow to be better people by having a family who loves them and parents who are capable of setting boundries throughout there lives.This is a lesson that will matter in 10 years which is the question I ask myself before any conflict. If it ill teach a lesson that will help them grow as human beings then the issue is important and should be well thought out and handeled well. I hope this helps as I only wrote because I related so much to what you wrote. I knew God placed everything in our paths for a reason and I think my conflict with my sis-in-law happened because he knew I would be able to look back and help you one day! I hope it did.

sounds like a terrible situation, most people would say how lucky you are to have grandparents that are sooo involved, I actually have a very similar situation with my own parents, I think grandparents are there to totally spoil their grandkids, seems to be their purpose. If you've already tried speaking to them about it and nothing came out of that conversation, then my advise would be to talk to kids about it. Let them know that's it's wonderful grandma and grandpa shower them with clothes, shoes and gifts, but teach them the importance of appreciation. Maybe if they get 3 pairs of shoes have them wear only one pair at a time, and rotate them around. Basicly you wont' change your inlaws no matter how hard you try and you'll just make yourself crazy trying, so focus on yourself and your family and hopefully that will make things a little easier. best of luck
F.

You need to set boundries, tell them how it isgoing to be and if they don't wnat to do it then they don't have to spend time with the kids. Don't let them us your kids as a pawn to control you.

Hi M., here's my advice. Allow them a couple of "special" occassions in which this behavior can continue. Then, tell them that (say for example) they can take your children to see Santa and pick out their outfits, but then on Easter, you and your hubby will be deciding what they wear. Tell them you and your hubby want the children to only receive clothes and shoes twice a year, christmas and birthdays! This will open up other occassions for you and your hubby to "spoil" them, and help your children to realize that they are getting gifts because it is a special occassion! Also, the in-laws should be happy with this as a solution. If they are not, just tell them that this is the way you want it to be, and the alternative is that you will return all of the stuff they give the kids back to them if they don't follow the rules. After all, you and your hubby are the parents so you need to establish firm (but reasonable) rules. I wish you lots of luck, and don't fight w/ your hubby or they win:)

M. I love how you describe yourself! Well, I think you already said your answer - Boundaries! You give them to your kids and you have to give them to inlaws, even good ones! You can't risk strife in your marriage in order to please them all the time. It is better for your kids to wear the same clothes everyday than have that.

Sit them down and lovingly explain that you are so appreciative but you feel that it is too much for (insert reasons) - such as spoiling, making a materialistic kid, wanting to focus on their inward qualities yada yada. But ultimately, this is your husbands ball game. He has to be completely on board and initiate this. If he does, I bet they will listen and he will feel good about himself for taking a stand for his own family.

I'm with Amy a bit on this one. I think they are pretty cool for doing that for your kids. I am lucky if my mother-in-law does anything but tell me how to raise my daughter, they never come around to see her. As far as spoiling goes, you need to just make it clear to the grandparents not to do it too much and make sure your kids understand that they can't always have what they want. I think it will iron out in the end! Hope that helps

T. :)

Try talking to them. Instead of limiting them so much, though, try a new approach. Tell them you know they love your kids and want to buy for them and that you would like to coordinate your shopping lists with theirs. Or perhaps you and your mother-in-law can shop together. Maybe this way you can get in on the choosing part of the shopping.

Yours is NOT a unique problem. I love and adore my inlaws but am very happy they live over 1000 miles away. =) Grandparents are buy what they want to buy for their grandchildren no matter what Mom and Dad have to say. Not only that but they are going to buy them something new to wear when they spend the weekend if it isn't what they want to wear on them OR if they see something cute at the store. Take a deep breath, smile and say thank you. Then wear what you want on your kids when they are with you. If your inlaws ask why you didn't wear something specific and hideous on your kids that they bought, tell them you got it out to wear but one of the kids spilled something on it or it is stained. If it is particularly hideous, feel free to stain it yourself and call it play clothes. =)

Most important of all, when they go out and spend money and buy something your kids needed that you have saved for, like shoes, use the money you saved for something else. Buy something special for you or your husband, or go out to dinner just the two of you. Use the money to make your marriage stronger or your day easier or save it for a rainy day.

I hope this helps. Good luck with your inlaws.

M.,
how old are the children? because these things have away of working themselves out. How do the children feel about it? If they don't mind, maybe it would be a good thing to let the grandparents contribute to the lives of your children.

Hi M.,
considering we have the opposite problem here I am kind of leaning towards you sitting ndown with the inlaws (your hubby too) and ask them if they want to buy te kids something, then take that money and open a college fund for them rather than buy stuff. you may something like i don't want kids to get spoiled at this age plus they will need and appreciate the help a whole lot more when they grow up.
i said in the beginning i have the opposite problem here. my parents do not live in this country therefore the only grandparents my kids have are my husband;s family. well, my MIL is a meddling one but the opposite, she fears i spend too much for my kdis, and i am talking the fact that she heard me say i need to potty things since they're twins and they wanna go at the same time she made a huge deal about it as in if they don't want to go potty in the same one then they shouldn't go at all. or my favorite. . .when talking about christmas for kids she makes sure she tells me not to buy anything for my kids but just wrap the toys they already have. i know they're two years old but they're my only kids and i want to get them toys and nice clothing etc. or if she's visiting and i return from shopping i literary have to hide the clothes i got for my kids because she will look at the tags and comment about the price. so what i am trying to say is your inlaws could be the oppsosite and trust me that is just as aggrevating, to the point that i have no respect for them at all.
good luck
vlora

Hi M.

Gosh...I wouldn't know what that felt like...because I have NO inlaws...they are both deceased...and my situation is that I WISH I had inlaws to help me out. My mother does all the babysitting and it gets to be much for her. But it sounds like your inlaws don't respect your wishes and that isn't RIGHT. That is a touchy situation...and needs counseling...a professional may be able to get the point across if it bothers you that much. good luck!