Relationship Advice - Denver,CO

Hi Queen-

I think you are VERY lucky that this has come up prior to marriage.

I think YOU are the one that has some thinking to do.

This would be a HUGE red flag for me...

Best Luck!
michele/cat

Wow.
You've been with your boyfriend for a year and he wants you to give up everything (friends) that you've had in your life before that.
I'm sorry, but that's scary to me.
I may be alone in this thinking, but I DO believe that males and females can be just friends. Some of my dearest friends are males that are more like brothers to me. They are friends of the family. They are married to other people. I don't understand the concept of not being able to continue to be friends with someone you've grown up with just because of their gender.
If he wants you to give up friends of both genders, you will be miserable if you comply.

I married someone who loved me for being outgoing and gregarious, for being social and bubbly.
He loved it UNTIL we got married and then it was all supposed to stop. He didn't even like how much I was in contact with my own family sometimes. We moved because he was transferred with his job several times and he didn't want me talking to the neighbors and making friends, he didn't want me making friends with moms at school, he blew a fricking gasket when I was a Brownie leader and had to call other parents to organize events, etc.

He was controlling and isolating and quite abusive, actually. He wouldn't allow call waiting on the phone. If he called and the phone was busy, he actually would call the operator to do an emergency interrupt and demand to know who I was talking to. It didn't matter if I was trying to make a pediatrician appointment or was talking to HIS mother, he didn't think I needed to be on the phone. I wasn't allowed to open the mail...I mean, it gets worse....
His control was DEFINITELY a result of deep seeded insecurity and obsessive issues. It destroyed our marriage. It nearly destroyed me.
There is a difference between focusing on your relationship and completely giving up who you are as a person in this world to do that. There is a difference between compromise and drawing a line in the sand.
I've been divorced and single for 15 years and at this point in my life, any man who gave me an ultimatum would be out on his butt. I've worked my tail off, I've raised two kids, I've been financially responsible for us. I want a man who can accept me for who I am and ENHANCE my life, not try to change me or change the life I've had all the years leading up to meeting him as if all of that is supposed to just stop. I've already been there and done that.
Never gonna happen again.

This is just my opinion based on my experience.
No one can decide for you what YOU are willing to change or give up for someone else. If you can't be yourself, then who are you supposed to be?
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life trying to find the answer to that question everyday in order to make someone else happy?

Queen,
I agree whole-heartedly with Catwalk W. This is a huge red flag. You named it in the first paragraph: "insecurities". That is the issue that needs working through. Not your friendships with others. He is being very controlling and it will get worse after marriage: mark my words.

There is nothing wrong with having other friendships, nor with having a male "best friend". I know several women who have male friendships and that's all they are. I am still friends with my ex-husband (divorced 20 years ago) and his wife is not at all threatened.

Your boyfriend needs to take a look at what he is afraid of. He may be sweet but things will sour quickly if continues to try and control your life and who YOU ARE.

Best of luck to you!

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. I have male and female friends, as does he. We would never tell the other to give up their friends. Ever.

Hell, last night at the football game, I hugged several men and my husband hugged a few women. If we were like your BF, we would be filing for divorce tomorrow when the courthouse opens.

Just because you have friends doesn't mean you're going to cheat. He sounds extremely insecure. I'd tell him to hit the road and find a guy who is just as secure with himself as you are.

You answered your own question when you wrote "it seems I cannot be me being with him".

Significant others are supposed to add to and enrich our lives, not keep us from being ourselves. He has been honest and told you where he stands. He is upfront that he is controlling, take him for his word and let him go.

No not normal at all! I think deep down you know you should let him move on and you should keep your friends. Good Luck

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He is showing you quite plainly that he is insecure and controlling. Accept the gift of this revelation and act accordingly.

I know that I would not have married a man who couldn't see the value in my friendships and would make me choose. Putting a spouse first doesn't mean cutting off all other relationships. Normal, healthy people have room in their hearts and in their lives for all kinds of relationships, be they with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, clients, acquaintances etc. Someone being unable to see this is a big red flag. It's fine that he's not social - many people aren't - but for him to not see that being social is part of what makes you "you" and that those relationship nurture, enrich and enliven you is not OK.

Honestly, many of us will divorce or outlive our spouses, and who will be there at the end of the day? Our friends. Please choose carefully.

Wow, whatever you do do NOT listen to Candice M, she has clearly already "drunk the kool aid" so to speak.
I have been with my husband for over 20 years and not ONCE have we ever asked each other not to talk to or have friendships of the opposite sex.
This is not about respect it is ABSOLUTELY about control.
Don't end up being one of those women on the Maury show.
Turn and RUN, now :(
ETA: "drinking the kool aid" is a sad and sorry reference to anyone who has been brainwashed into not listening to their own heart and instead obeying and following a man they consider to be their "leader"
google Jim Jones or Jonestown if you are too young to remember this awful life lesson :(

My thoughts as a married woman:

1) Examine if the friendships are emotionally intimate in any way that interferes with your relationship. Examine if any of the male friends are unwilling to be friends with you and your boyfriend as a couple. And ask yourself if there is *anything* you'd feel uncomfortable with in the friendships if it was your boyfriend who had similar opposite-sex friends.

2) If the answer to *all* the above is "no", then cut the boyfriend loose.

3) If it's "yes", you have some weighing to do about what matters to you most.

Best to you,
e

Let him go.... he's way too imature, insecure and horribly controlling.

I mean seriously, what grown person (man or woman) tells another adult it's them or me (when NOTHING has happened... I totally understand if there has been adultry, etc.). Run like the wind.

And yes, my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex.

There are some women who feel perfectly comfortable to give up all of their male friends when they get married. Many moms on here believe that it is improper for a married woman to have male friends. There are some women you are perfectly comfortable giving up all friends when they get married, including their female friends. There are women who feel perfectly happy and comfortable and it is part of their faith to put on a veil and keep their head and body covered at all times so no man other than their husband is ever to see their face... it all depends on what YOU are comfortable with and what YOU expect from YOUR life.
Now that said you do not sound like a woman who would be very happy if you were to sever all social relationships that do not sit well with your boyfriend/husband. I am not that kind of woman either. For me a relationship in which my partner doesn't trust me not to jump into bed with every male I talk to isn't worth it (and vice versa, I also trust my DH in this respect).

If you think that marriage is going to make him feel more "secure" - that will most likely not be the case. Will there be compromise? Most likely not. He will always feel threatened by other guys in your life. If you have contact with your child's father, and male bosses, male relatives - there will be issues and jealousy... this is not about YOU and how you behave with these men, but about him and his insecurities.
If he is willing to get help like counseling or therapy there may be hope.
If not the I would recommend that you run - not walk from this man. Marriages that start out with an ultimatum rarely end in happily ever after. Spare yourself and your child the heartbreak.
Good luck.

My sister is engaged to a guy who seems sweet, joyful, wonderful..... like your guy. But he is also very jealous and controlling. The longer they are together, the less of anybody she sees. Only those on his approved list. He started having problems with all her friends in the beginning, and has moved on to all of her family.

You can't change people who are controlling. And there is no way you should let another person give you an ultimatum like that. You can't compromise with an ultimatum on the table. If I were you I'd just call his bluff and choose my friends.

Honestly...he might be testing the waters to see what he can make you give up for him. Yes, it's controlling. Someone who LOVES you, does not control you. He's not interested in compromise. He's interested in control. Control does not compromise. When you are given ultimatums like this, it's usually just the beginning.

I think it's normal for opposite sex, and even same sex friendships to sometimes fall off when you are in a committed relationship. It's not normal or healthy, for one partner to demand the other dropping friendships. And then, you said even family. That's called isolating you. That's a HUGE red flag. One that I would not ignore, or accept. You can't not be YOU in any relationship. You can't be happy like that. You can't be isolated. It won't work. You will be bitter and your relationship will fail. This won't get better. Get counseling and get to the bottom of it, or get out. Absolutely do NOT get married, until he has a change of heart. If he doesn't change his heart, you will always be repressed and unhappy.

With all that said. Happily ever after, never starts with an ultimatum. I should be "Let's do this together," not "Do this or else." If it were me? I'd already be walking away.

It does sound controlling and an unusual request in a trusting, healthy relationship, Maybe you should access the situation by thinking about other things he says or does that might indicate he is too controlling. And usually when you're married some of these types of friendships taper off naturally.

If someone gave me an ultimatum then I would just walk away. This sounds like the beginning of his controlling side and from my experiences when I was single it will just get worse from here. This is a big red flag and you should run.

Since I have been married (well dating my hubby) our friends have stayed the same. There is no reason you should have to choose him or your friends. What about his own friends? Will he be ending all contact with them?

You are hoping for someone to give you magical advice that will make the uncomfortable realization that you cannot have a long-term relationship with this man go away. No such magic is possible. It is regretable that this nice, wonderful guy is not compatible with you. But he is not. Your marriage will not work well, you, he, both of you will suffer because you are incompatible in this very basic regard. It does not matter what arrangements other couples have. YOU sound like you would not be living YOUR life if you had to give up your friends, male and female. I am sorry, but I would advise against marriage. It is very unfortunate because I know good men are hard to find, and this is not really his fault. But you guys are not compatible, so please don't make one another's life miserable.

Huge red flag. You will naturally distance yourself from single male friends. Any man that starts telling you who your friends should be is not someone you want to spend your life with. He can't deal with you having a male friend you hear from -not even spend time with? Something's just odd.

If you can not be yourself then get out! A good partner will accept you for who you are and trust that you will be faithful.

Honestly, this is a huge red flag. Do not ignore it.

Cutting off from friends is traditionally the first step of any abuser. Emotional or physical. Tends to go friends, family, then getting you fired from your job so you're completely dependent on them for support and feel you have zero options or way out.

If you want to make it work, seek counseling NOW. Put off the wedding until you figure out whether it's worth it or not to have who you are stripped from you in a ME OR THEM situation.

No, this is a bad sign. It's never good when they want to cut you off from your friends. My husband trusts me and has no problem with my male friends. Sometimes it bothers him that I make and keep friends more easily than he does, but not in a bad way, just that he wishes he could, too.

My ex husband didn't give me the choice before we were married. After we got married one by one he wouldn't let me talk to any male friends. We were from the same circle group of friends. After he cut out all of my male friends then he wouldn't let me talk to my male family members. He said I got a "tone" in my voice when I talked to my dad or brothers that he didn't like and made me pull away from my family also. Then he started in with my female friends. By the time it was all said and done after 5 years I had NO friends or family.

We divorced and now I have a wonderful husband who excepts me, my family, my female friends AND my male friends. I have more male friends than females. I except my husbands male and female friends... we just had his female friend, her son and her boyfriend here all weekend.

To me this isn't having your cake and eating it to... this is about excepting a person and their friends... male or female it doesn't make a difference! Even though you love him, I would let him go. If he is acting this way before getting married what is he going to expect/ make you to give up after you get married?

If BF is referring to your unmarried male friends, than NO BF is not being controlling. He is being realistic. He has come to the realization that he is not comfortable with you having male friends.

If he wants you to cut off relationships with your girlfriends, especially the married ones, or your family, the yes he is being controlling. This is a sign of someone who has the potential of being an abuser.

You really need to talk to him and find out what exactly the issue is and then make a big decission.

If you want to stay free to pick and choose who your friends are for the rest of your life, I think your BF if giving you the red flag that he is not cool with it.
This is what dating is all about.
There are plenty of guys out there that are secure enough to handle a strong woman. Don't settle for less or it will cause resentments down the line.
If you feel he is legitimate about his fears and you feel that you should be committed to his feelings and want to change yourself and not be a socialite anymore because he is WORTH that to you, then there's your answer.

I think in most situations we naturally let go of some our our friendships to make room for our primary relationship- our marriage partner. My husband hung onto one a few female friendships that I was not threatened by, but he did not spend time with them apart from me or take time away from me to be with them. That would have been unacceptable to me. I let go of most all my male friendships on my own accord, but I think its because they were laden with sexual tension, and my husband was enough for me. He put no pressure on me to do this and is the most non jealous man I have ever been with. We are all different, so how can we say from our vantage point that your opposite sex friendships need to go? Why don't you ask a variety of trusted friends what they think since they know you and your male friends.
I will say this, I hear no tone from you that your boyfriend lights your fire, or that YOU are terribly into him. Is this why you want to maintain your outside friendships to the extent that you do? Just saying.
Either he's overly jealous, or you are not making him feel like he's the only one for you. We really cannot know from this end.

Run, run as fast as you can...

When you're dating, this is a battle - your independence versus his control.

When you're married, this isn't even a topic of conversation. You pick your spouse over your mama, much less your best friend fabio.

In my opinion he is being jealous and controlling. My husband and I both have good friends who are of the opposite sex and we both think nothing of it. My male friends know my husband and his female friends know me and we will all hang out together...we have all become friends. It's just not an issue. I don't know how to advise you though because my husband has always been happy to include my friends in our life and it just has never been an issue. He is actually better friends now with some of my good male friends than I am.

I don't know about red flags or non red flags that is your decision. But here is what my husband and I do (we've been married 9 yrs btw). We are both social and outgoing. He had female friends at work and I have male friends at work. The way he approaches everything is when getting to know someone the first thing he does is start telling them about his "wonderful wife and kids". He has our picture plastered everywhere at his desk at work. He can be social and friendly with males and females and it doesn't make me jealous at all because if it's a female he usually wants them to my friend and can't stop talking about me. It's the same way when I find a male friend the first thing they know is how happily married I am or how they should meet my husband because I know they'd get along so well. If you guys don't do this then there is cause for jealousy and then it can get controlling. But maybe if you introduce him to your male friends or let him know that all your male friends know your in a relationship with this great guy he may not be so jealous or controlling. That is my two sence anyway. If you do that and he is still jealous and controlling then I would see it as a serious issue in your relationship.

Wow. Thats a tough one! Well, I have been married 4 years. Before my husband, I had a male friend that was like my brother. My husband never has told me not to talk to him, but we have agreed it should be cut to a minimum and not to share intimiate talks anymore. It should be your husband that you share deepest talks with.. It can look bad and cause confusion if you have opposite sex friends when married unless its a group activity.

You said it yourself - "if I cannot be me then how will we work as a couple in a marriage." Sure, marriage requires people to give up some things and meet in the middle. Requiring you to choose between him and your friends is not meeting in the middle. If he doesn't trust you to know the difference between your male friends and your husband, and you're not even married yet, what makes you think that this is a healthy, viable relationship?

I don't know that there is a compromise for you two. My husband and I agree that, barring something unusual like step-brother/sisters who grew up together or some other odd non-blood male/female relationship, that it is not truly honest to think that men and women can be JUST friends and maintain that when either of you are in a relationship with someone else. Whether dating or being married.

I honestly don't know anyone personally, who can say that they have male friends (or female friends for the guys I know) who are "best friends" or whatever. Most folks I know are MARRIED to their "best friend". And even in the case like myself, where my spouse was friends with my best female friend (that is how we met), OVER TIME, their relationship changed so that they would probably rarely speak, except for the fact that she and I are still friends. They were friends beginning in 2nd grade, all the way through high school. But now, at 44, they would only interact at a high school reunion, except that I met her in college and she and I are STILL in contact.

It is a natural thing. It is rather unnatural (I think) for men to have female best friends or vice versa, if that person isn't the spouse. Not saying impossible, but very unlikely and unusual. And in many cases, I would not be surprised if one party or the other harbors some sort of "maybe in the future..." type thought somewhere in their subconscious.

So, while it may take time to evolve into what he thinks, I don't think it is unreasonable for a future spouse to expect his wife to place him above her male (and female) friends, if you disagree, I think this is a principal that you must examine. One of those big ones. Like, do you think we should attend church, big questions. If you disagree about it, you may not be happy. If in principal you agree, but just assume that these friendships will wane over time, then perhaps you can compromise. But if his issue isn't the nature of male/female relationship/friendships in general, then perhaps this IS more of a control issue.

It is rather difficult to know, not knowing either of you personally. Any male friendships I had, prior to dating my husband, naturally waned over time, before we were married. I didn't have to "cut" any ties. I do still have male friends, but they are based more on my husband and self as a couple having other friends and their spouses as friends.

It sounds like his idea of a committed relationship is different from yours.
Are you ok with him having female friends?
Some couples have no difficulties with both of them having their own friends male and female.
Other couples can't work like this.
My suitors were hurt when I didn't pick them (and I chose my husband) and there was no way the friendships could really continue once I married.
My husbands female friends were similarly put out.
Consider couples counseling and do it before the marriage.
You both need to be on the same page before you take vows.

1. I find it normal that he is insecure about your male friends.
2. I would be concerned if he wanted you to lose all of your friends "red flag"
3. I find it strange that you have to ask the question about the male friends, when clearly you have found a man who accepts and provides for you and your children.
4. A true male friend will become a friend of his too. If he does not or if you are unwilling to make the introduction, then that is not a friend, that is a shelved possibility.
5. Learn how to respect your man, it is one thing to have our own lives and an entirely different thing to continue to communicate with male friends and colleagues in a fashion that disrupts your relationship with your partner.
6. If you are unwilling to make the changes in your fashion or frequency of communication, then you are not with the right person for you and you should find someone who is a little more loose.
7. Don't complain when your new loose relationship isn't all that interested in step-parenting your children and has female friends texting, calling and meeting up with him for 'happy hour". You asked for it!

I know that this was posted a little while ago, but I thought I would respond since I am currently dealing with a similar situation. If he can't trust that you're going to be faithful to him, than he shouldn't be marrying you. He has absolutely no right to ask you to give up your friends. This sounds to me like he is insecure and needs to control you in some way. Please don't do what he wants. You need to be you, and if he can't deal with it, than he should find another girl that will do what he wants. I have been dealing with this for over a year now, and trust me, it's not worth it to try and keep the relationship while making yourself miserable. Good luck!

I think every relationship is different. Some people may be able to have opposite sex friends and still remain married and faithful, but others will have issues with separating friendship from romance. It doesn't take long for romantic feelings to blossom from a friendship. I know that I cant trust myself around attractive male friends, so I dont allow harmless friendships to get created. Talk to him about how you feel, and maybe a comfortable medium can be reached.

Sarah H.
Are you working through your relationship issues, or did you end it with your SO?

I 100% agree with your boyfriend. It's not a controlling thing. It's a respect thing. Guys need to feel respected and if it's THAT important to him that you not have any guy friends, then you need to respect that IF you are going to marry him. I am currently going through this with my husband and it is not easy. I feel it is not appropriate for a married person to be making friends with the opposite sex. There is no need for it. He is right. If you can't stop, then you need to let him go so he can move on to someone who will love and respect him. Sorry.

Wow, Mamzita, "drunk the kool aide", what is that supposed to mean?
I am not controlling. We have been married for 10 years now. He does have female friends, BUT they have made an effort to be friends with me as well. Plus they are all married with kids and I have no problem with them at all. The problem I DO have is when he makes NEW friends with girls who are not married and have made no interest in even meeting me. As for me, I do not have male friends. I have no need for that. If I need a mans opinion on something, I can ask my husband, my dad or my brother. I would never just go out and make a new friend with some guy. There is no need for it. I also do not care if he wants to go out with his guy friends or family. He just had dinner with his sister last week and family get togethers are a blast! I am no where near controlling. I just don't think it's ok to for him to be making friends with single girls that I don't know.