Relationship Advice - Kingwood,TX

Okay, here's my two cents. This is not at all to beat up on your fiancee, so I'll try to be gentle. We all have to make sacrifices in relationships. We all have to determine what we like and don't like, what we will accept and what we won't. Your fiancee has a point that she has to put up with things that she doesn't like in you. You probably didn't surprise her with your sports enjoyment, though. When she lied to you, she took away any right you had to decide if you wanted to be in love and in this type of relationship with a smoker. That's wrong--no way around it. She misrepresented herself to you and has no right to expect you to be in a marriage with her. Period.

Now, you have to decide what it's worth to you. She has shown you that your feelings regarding her smoking don't really matter to her. Either it's too hard for her, or she doesn't care. Bottom line--your options are to either leave her (painful, I know) or be prepared to continue with things just as they are. That sounds harsh, but I am convinced that the ladies here would be saying the same thing to a woman writing in about her fiance. What else is she lying about if she can't come clean about smoking? She's not willing to commit to the good health of any children that you might have together. Her attitude when you mention it is to cast the guilt onto you ("You're not perfect, either.") You have the right to decide if you want to be with a smoker...or with someone who doesn't value your convictions (not just about smoking, but also about lying and about disregarding your feelings). She doesn't have the right to make that decision for you.

I think the smoking may be just the tip of the iceberg! How much do you know about her financials?? This may be wayyy off but I would try to have a sit down and see if you both are on the same page about finances. She could be holding back more then you know....Instead of letting go and being 100% in the rerlationship, she may be subconsciously trying to stay independant and the smoking could be masking it.....

I could go on trying to explain why...but experience has always led me back to finances when anything is not right in a relationship. If your not talking about money and whats going on with it, your probably not talking about everything else.

I am sorry that you are going through this struggle. Smoking is an addicition and very difficult to quit. I do not smoke but my dad smoked all his life. It was his comfort even though he had emphesema and COPD. I am not trying to make excuses for your ex and do believe lieing is wrong but there may be more to it. She may really want to quit but can't. My husband wants to give it up to be healthy but has not yet been successful. Try to get to the bottom of it. Is she stressed out, nervous about your upcoming marriage, etc. Ifthis is something that you can't live with then you may need to break it off and move on. You have to decide what matters the most to you.

P.,

First let me say that you have broken no rules that I am aware of ~ it is flattering that you would reach out to all of us on this site.
You have valid reasons for the issue you spoke of. I hope that you don't take it personally that your fiance smokes on and off...remember it really is HER issue, not yours. The best way to change a situation that bothers you is to change yourself on it. Hopefully she will respond by seeing how serious you were, and make changes that are pleasing to you. However, if she does not, then intent to please you and understand and sacrifice is not really there. It is scary, but if you really cannot live with this, and you have tried, the only thing you can do is walk away. It does not mean for good, but you need to put up that boundary to protect yourself on this, and do not expect anything back. Don't retaliate, nag, manipulate, etc...because then you don't really get a person who truly wants to change for you...they just want you to stop treated them that way.
If you walk away, because it honely bothers you, then chances are she will see this struggle for what it really is to you - serious, and she will likely change for good. If she does not change, then she simply doesn't want to and then you have to decide what you can live with - or without.
It's important to remember that we can ONLY control ourselves. Her smoking is HER issue - you wanting her to quit is YOURS, and you need to be happy and true to yourself.
Tough advice, I know. Even tougher to follow, I know that too. Think about it logically though and you will realize that I'm right. If she really loves you and wants to be with you, she needs to get some help with this for y'all's sakes. (I'm not a true Southerner so I hope I spelled that right!)
God bless you and your fiance and children if they come. Best of luck and please keep us posted. We are nosey!
D.

I agree with the other moms that the trust is a huge issue, and if a woman was writing in, we'd tell her the same thing. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Good for you for reaching out for help!

So... besides the obvious trust/respect issues in her lying you also have to consider whether this is an addiction you can deal with. My hubby has a video game addiction, and I knew it when I agreed to marry him. No, it's not life-threatening in the same way that smoking is, but it does certainly cause issues like obesity b/c he sits on his butt all day, and relationship issues b/c he spends time on his game with people he doesn't physically know (face-to-face) rather than his family right in front of him. He's gotten better, then fallen back into his old routines so many times in the 10 years we've been together, it's ridiculous. The question is- can you live with this? Our situation really almost became a breaking point for me a couple of times, and once there are children involved it all gets more complicated. My parents were never involved in our lives- I actually raised my siblings & myself, so that's my old issue that comes up with this situation. Our spouses are supposed to be our support and help us through these things, not make them worse.

Bottom line- can you live with the smoking, lying, and lack of respect? I wish you the best as you try to sort through your own feelings and issues.

Wow! I've never seen a man write so much! You are obviously concerned/upset. And I don't blame you. What all this boils down to is TRUST. If she lies to you about smoking, what else will she lie about?

You need to sit down with her--even if she doesn't respond well--and tell her that you feel this is a serious symptom of mistrust on BOTH YOUR PARTS! You certainly don't need to enter a marriage with an issue like this. Either you need to accept the fact that the woman you love is going to smoke, or she needs to realize that her smoking may end your relationship. Face facts--you're not ready for marriage until one of you can do what needs to be done.

This advice is not coming from someone with no experience in this area. I've been married to the same husband for 37 years. We have no secrets from each other. That's the only way to build a strong bond. (Incidentally, my Dad smoked the whole time I was growing up, and I hated it. I am allergic to cigarette smoke, and it makes me physically ill. So I know how you feel and agree with you about it.)

I hope you can work this out. You didn't mention much about your relationship outside of the smoking issue. Be sure to examine it and see if it's worth letting her smoke (perhaps OUTSIDE?).

P., I'm not sure if these other ladies have mentioned it but to me it sounds like her lying to you and smoking when she knows it bothers you so much might be a case of cold feet. If she is feeling scared about marriage or actually wants a way out but doesn't have the "balls" to do it herself she might be using the cigarettes to try and push you away. I know cigarettes can be addicting, but please it's not crack. It's possible to quit and if I loved someone and it bothered them so much I wouldn't have much reason to start back up after being smoke free for so long with you in the first place. Sorry for the not so good out take on your story.

I have read many of these responses but not all. I am not sure if any of you have ever smoked. I did. It is something that is really hard to quit and no one can tell you to do it. You have to decide to do it on your own. I smoked for more than 18 years and I tried to quit several times. This last time I have quit I was truely ready to quit. AS far as the lying about smoking I think she knows how much you hate it but can't quite quit the addiction so she is trying to get her fix but not around you as to not make you upset. (I am sure that doesn't make sense). I don't think she is intentionally trying to hurt you. I just think it is hard for her to quit and stay quit. She could have more things going on like someone else said, nerves, stress etc. I had to find my triggers to why I wanted to smoke and try and break them. Smoking is just like any addiction and you need to make sure you can deal with this one too. Is is hard to be around an addicted person absolutely but you need to ask yourself before you marry her if you truely want to be around her because she smokes or not. Can she overcome it yes but she may take several tries before she is actually successful. Just remember she has to want to quit before she can quit. Quitting to appease you or her daughter is not going to be a successful quit trust me.

Hi P.,
I put my husband and our children through the same ordeal. It wasn't until I was pregnant with our twin girls, that I wised up and realize life and family were too important. Smoking was the worst thing I ever had to deal with in my and my husbands life. I have been through the medicines ad the lies, back and forward, and back and forward, it is a terrible battle. But, there is a chance if she has the will to come out ahead. I hate to say it, but if you smell smoke on her breath, it is a good sign she is cheating. I know the hard way. You just have to keep an open communication of your thoughts and concerns with her. Starting a family is so important to start it off right. I wish I never smoked or cheated during my first born son and second son.
My husband also met me as a non-smoker but I am proud to say he has one now, but he went through a lot of heart ache and fights before it got this way. Give her support and let her know you bring it up because you care, not just to fight or judge her.Take care and wish you well. And my prayers go out to her to find the will to really quit. Life is too important and so is family. She can do it, just have faith and compassion!

JUST A ADDITIONAL NOTE: I did lie to my husband about smoking...but I can HONESTLY say that was it...I am not a habitual liar. It was just a terrible addiction doing more pain to myself than anyone else. I am not making excuses for her, but I did want you to know she may be as honest as they come!! Just addicted to cigarettes and can not bare to tell you in fear of losing you!

You haven't broken any rules - we talk to men, women, basically anybody who will listen to our advice! I agree with Heather P. If you were a woman talking about your fiancee, we would be telling you to cut bait. But at the same time, you do need to weigh your options. I hate liars. what she is doing is lying. If she can lie about that, what else would she lie about? maybe nothing, but its a matter of trust, and if someone lies to you about ANYTHING, they lose that trust. I think you need to decide what you're willing to live with. If this is the extent of the lies, can you live with a smoker? Do you think the lies extend beyond this? Then can you live with smoker that you never trust? good luck and please let us know how things work out for you!

I'm not an expert by any means, but it's obvious your financee has an addition. People who are addicted will lie, cheat and steal to feed their habit. She needs you now more then ever to overcome this battle. Although you were mislead in the beginning, she must have felt quite ashamed for not being up front from the start. I think the question is, do you love her enough?

This might be painful for you now, but God is giving you an opportunity to see this problem before you make the mistake of marrying your fiancee. If she lies to you now about smoking, she will lie to you about other things in the future unless she makes a real effort to change. It doesn't sound like that's happening. Please don't ignore the red flag you are seeing. Your gut instinct is rarely wrong.

Good for you for having the courage to seek advice on this difficult subject.