Married 3 Yrs. Husband Lying.

Stop making him lie. I know that sounds crazy but we make other people lie. You know, or at least need to accept, he isn't smoking to piss you off. He can't control it. Addiction is something that is hard to break and making someone feel guilty about it tends to make it harder to quit.

So start with I know you are trying but you need to be honest with me. I need to know when you need to smoke so I can help you instead of hunting for evidence. If you can agree to be honest I can trust you again and together we can beat this.

Otherwise he will keep on smoking and keep on lying. The lies must be the worst thing he can do, not the smoking, that is the only way he will start being honest again.

If he told you he was smoking what would you do?? You would probably freak out on him. So he lies about it. When I was a smoker I totally would have done the same thing. I would have lied to anyone about it. If you have never smoked you won't understand For some people it gives such a relaxation and concentration and overall good feeling. It also helps with stress-which it sounds like he has a lot of right now. That is why it is as addictive as it is. Its extremely tough to stop-extremely. Chantix works the best in my experience.

Now the pot smoking WOULD make me mad. It is an illegal substance that impairs. I would not be able to trust that he would not use it and watch the kids. It is psychologically and not physically addictive so that will be an easier habit to break.

he could be like a child - if they know telling their mom the truth is going to get them in trouble - they will lie and create an elaborate story to get out and around it.

Stop treating him like a child - you aren't his mother. You are his wife and his partner.

If he has decided he can't quit smoking - he needs to be able to tell you that without you holding it over his head or making him feel shamed for it.

You say you both quit when you got pregnant - okay - things change. Job stress changes. TALK WITH HIM about it. Don't condemn him for it. Tell him he has to come clean - without trust there isn't much. HE HAS TO BE ABLE TO TRUST YOU and know that you will still be there. Lying is a symptom. The root of the problem is trust.

Got to figure out why he doesn't trust you to tell you the truth. Once you get that figured out - you can work on it. Remember you are his PARTNER and WIFE - NOT his mother.

ASK him why he "needs" to smoke again.
ASK him WHY he needs to lie to you about it.
AND LISTEN - HEAR HIM - don't BLAST him for his feelings.

I agree totally with Jo W.

You married a smoker. Stop shaming him for it.

Talk to him about it.

Ask him why he's doing it. I know that I lied to my ex about little things because I didn't want him to rage at me or belittle me. I was afraid. Unfortunately, the fleas from my old relationship make things hard today.

In my current relationship, I've successfully resisted the urge to lie to my fiancee because I'm afraid of disappointing him. It's always stupid stuff I consider lying about because I'm afraid of him raging or belittling me like my ex. But he's NOT my ex. I have to remind myself. And getting caught in a lie to the man I love simply isn't worth it!

Your hubby might have some "fleas" he's dealing with from his past relationship. Talk to him.

ETA: Or, you might have created some fleas in your relationship. The reason he feels like he can't talk to you might be related to how you have reacted in the past. Cheryl has it right. Talk to him...but control how you react. You may or may not be contributing to his need to lie...figure it out and deal with it together.

Yeah, I do think the other ladies make some good points. Let me share my experience with you...When we got married my husband chewed tobacco and I hated it, a lot! We had lots of discussions about his health, etc. etc. We didn't have kids at the time but I even pointed out that he'd want to be a good role model and he might as well quit now, etc. He really did agree with me, but it's hard to stop. I knew that, but it was still hard for me to accept that he wouldn't just "make it happen" for me, our relationship, etc. I knew I was being a little crazy, but I just couldn't help it. I loved him, I was concerned, it grossed me out, you get the idea! ;)

He lied to me a few times about it as well and I went a little nutty. But, in the end I finally sat down with him and told him, hey I don't want you chewing and I'm not going to like it, but I like the lying way less. So, if I ask you, be honest and I will try not to be crazy. It worked much better this way. We also agreed that he could not have it in the house under any circumstance and he followed that rule. I did not go looking for it in his car or anything b/c frankly I didn't want to know, because I knew I'd get mad! In the end, he did end up quitting because he really did want to, but he just couldn't deal with my volatility on the situation.

I think explaining to your husband your real fears and concerns and listening to his and then coming up with some sort of a compromise that you both feel is fair is step #1! Hang in there, marriage is hard and this is one of those things that you just have to figure out!

Well since the lies are ONLY about the smoking I would say the real problem is that he can't stop smoking, not that he's a liar.
He lied because he is ashamed, and he knows how disappointed you would be. Is it right? No, but he needs to know he can tell you the truth when and if he falls off the wagon. Smoking may have been easy for you to quit, but some people have a really, really hard time with it.
If he is a good husband and father in every other way, I would give him some space and time with this, and your full support. I'm not a big fan of smoking either, but I don't think I would leave my husband over it (as long as it stayed out of the house/car and away from the kids and I.)

If a person is afraid, of saying the truth (because of how the other will react to them), then they will lie.

IF you and your husband can TALK about things... and even about mistakes and even about him not really quitting... then you can BOTH really get things out in the open, and he will not have to lie or cover things up or pretend he is another person.

Sure, it is not ideal for him to be smoking. But he is. And so he is lying about it. Because you both, supposedly quit.
But he went back to smoking.
Hence he is lying.

If you can both, come to terms with it and be able to say.... the truth, without it causing world war 3, then you can get everything out in the open.

Dear KR,
I could see how you would feel insecure. Lying regardless of what it is about is not healthy, especially in a marriage. From what you describe, he is a great person, father and husband. Talk, write a letter or email describing what you stated to us, about feeling insecure and doubting him. And about finding out from other people that he is still smoking when in fact he could have told you himself.
You are correct, it isn't about smoking any longer, it is about someone you love not being trustworthy. Possibly someone is correct about his past 'fleas' in his relationship, it could also about feeling he has to change for you and the family, maybe he really loves smoking so much that he doesn't agree with giving it up and wants to smoke? Nonetheless, he should not lie about it but be upfront and handle it as adults. This is not your fault, and you aren't shaming him. Stay strong.

Good luck!

Yikes, if smoking is a deal breaker then cut the poor guy loose already. Of course he lies to you, it was so EASY for you to quit. Least that's HIS point of view. Doesn't matter WHAT he does, he'll be failing you.

Then you can tell your kids, Sorry but it doesn't matter that Dad is a 'wonderful husband and father', He SMOKES then LIES about it and we can't have THAT now can we?!

Or just let it go. He'll quit when he's ready, or not.

:(

You are talking about a dependence upon a drug, either cigarettes or pot. Not sure which type of "smoking" you are referring to. Addictions and dependencies are very hard to quit, so I think lying about smoking falls into a different category of "lying."

I'm sorry, I don't think "lying" is your issue, I think "smoking" is your issue. You need to discuss the smoking issue with him, and come to an agreement.

Pick your battles.
Really...if his smoking is a "deal breaker" considering he is a "wonderful husband and father. attentive, affectionate, helpfull with baby and the house. "

His lying? What's the lie. He smokes and now you know he smokes.

You cannot change people. Theyhavetowant to change.
This does not mean he does not love you or respect you, smoking is extremely addictive and it takes a tremendous will power to stop. One of my best friends tried many times, even stopped once for years. Eventually she had acupuncture and smokers gum, all of this with her doctors permission, she finally kicked the habit.

Kep in mind, she did not have the stresses of supporting a family with children, or any money problems.

Find out your husbands triggers so he is aware of when and why he needs to smoke. But again, only he can really do this..

Be honest about how you feel about smoking. Let him know. You will do what you can to help him quit, but you absolutely cannot tolerate the lies.

The lying is not OK. It destroys trust in a relationship and that will destroy a relationship. Plus, trust can take a long time to earn back. So what may start out as one little lie does create a bigger issue with trust.

I'm surprised by some of the harsh responses you received here. Just because your husband feels ashamed doesn't mean that you have shamed him. He may have issues from his past that are causing him shame. Whatever the source, he is an adult and is responsible for his own actions. If he lies, he is choosing to avoid feelings of shame and failure, but risking his relationship with you. It may seem like the easier choice in the moment but is devastating long term. We all have knee-jerk reactions and are tempted to take the easy way out. But being an adult means being able to look ahead, see the consequences and do the hard thing.

It sounds like your husband is a good man, with his conscience still intact... a keeper. I hope you can communicate to him how insecure you feel when he lies, in a way he can hear and accept. And since you are also a former smoker, you probably know that relapse is part of the recovery process. I'd recommend finding a support group or another couple who can help walk you through the process of recovery from addiction and how to build and maintain trust through the process.

Confront it. Try to be understanding. If he feels that you are going to scrutinize him, he will continue to lie. Let him know that lying destroys your trust and if he wants to get help, it's best to do so rather than hide about other stuff.

I personally don't know why you KNEW he was lying while dating and still got married, but that's not my business. Just saying!

I understand though it causes you to be insecure. Tell him about how you feel and if he seems apologetic when you tell him, then maybe he will be willing to change. You alone know how trustworthy this man was before you got involved. That will determine how much you accept his apologies and work with him. You seem to like the other side of him, attentive father, etc

Saying that you "made him lie" is like saying that this spoon made me fat.

Sometimes people are afraid to tell us the truth, because they fear our reaction will be bad, whether they have a reason to think that or not. But the choice to tell the truth or to lie still remains solely with him. And most people know that a "little lie" can lead to bigger ones on down the road.

I think you are right to be concerned, especially if you've had adult discussions about it and he is still lying. He may just be embarrassed and feeling like he failed you, but he still needs to be truthful. Your marriage needs and deserves that foundation, so that when there are bigger issues than smoking, they won't come between you two.

Perhaps quitting smoking is too hard for him right now. Maybe you and he need to come to a different agreement about it, or a different plan for him quitting. Either way, if you do it as a team, he'll have greater chance for success, and you have a better chance to keep the trust intact.

Good luck!

I would go to therapy for the lying. Its not a big lie or a deal breaker of a lie but its still lying. Find out what is the real deal. Does he want you to think he is very strong/manly and has no weaknesses? Is this why he tries to hide it from you because he does not want you to think he is a failure? It could be a lot deeper than we women realize. It could be as simple as him trying to sneak something and get away with it. IDK you dk so go find out with the help of another. Churches often have free therapy.

If he is crusched about it, it sounds like he is addicted to the smoking, whatever it is that he is smoking.

Perhaps he needs help stopping.

Ask him to go for help - doctor, nicotene patch, whatever...

So sorry,
Dawn