Rebelling

I don't have much more to add then hang in there i thing changing the situation again would be worse than working through what you have now. Time and maybe family councling. you sound like a smart person and will know whats right.

Believe it or not, what you are describing is "normal" behavior under such circumstances. It sounds like this little girl is experiencing a lot of stress and has little control over her environment. Not knowing her prior history regarding caregivers while daddy is working/sleeping, it is difficult to speculate about what she has had to cope with thus far, but her accidents are most likely just a physical sign that she is struggling to cope with many changes. The tantrums are a cry for attention, but also an opportunity to introduce discipline and structure...once the tantrum is over (use a punching bag or armor if you must!), use time-out to let her know it is not acceptable, the recommended time is one minute per year, then maybe spend some positive/quality time together like reading a story or doing play-dough, dolls, something that helps with bonding, which can also include your kids (3 year old and six year old. Explain quietly that you understand that these accidents may or may not be accidents, but that eventually you would like to help her get back to using the potty. I had to use M&M's with my daughter and she was difficult to train compared to my son who was first. Anyway, this is probably more complex than this simple advice, but this little girl most likely feels a loss of control and needs a lot of TLC. Also, maybe Daddy needs to spend alone time with his daughter away from you and your kids until she gets used to the new family. They say that families do not "blend", they "collide"! Brace yourself!!!!!

Hi, I am an intensive therapeutic foster parent and have seen these behaviors many times. The child does mean to do it, it is a way of getting back at the parent. The best ways we have found to deal with this is to make the child responsible for her actions. She is old enough to clean herself so ask her to do so, if she does not comply...begin to remove non-essential things like toys, choice in snacks, playtime, tv, anything she does not need to survive---and THEN reward her for her progress the day AFTER she does well. Just a note, if you and her father are not on the same page none of this will work..it is an all or nothing situation. If you have more specific questions or want to talk more- my email is ____@____.com :) Good Luck. Bonnie

I think some counseling may be in order. I lived in Prescott for 9 years. There may be programs for her. I would definitely check into it. And it may not be too much of a financial burden either. There may be free programs. It sounds like emotional stuff that has nothing to do with you if her mother has left her. Children don't know how to express themselves verbally so the acting out is all they have. Don't ignore it, because as she gets older it could get worse without letting her "talk" to someone outside who is a professional.

Hi J.,

In my opinion, childrem should always come first, even before yourselves. So, in this case I think would be a good idea for you and your boyfriend to live in separate houses. Wait for few more years and then rethink about living together again. She's not mature to go through all this. Good lucky.

Check out http://www.awareparenting.com There may be something there that will be helpful!
Good Luck!!!

A.

Hi J. - i went through something very similar with my daughter. she was an only child of a single mom for four years. when my son came along, things were fine at first because he pretty much just ate and slept. as he grew and required more than just cuddles, she got very jealous. one afternoon there was a 4 hour screaming jaunt from her. it has taken a lot of time (a couple years actually) but what worked for me was putting her in time out in her room and refusing to get upset in front of her. if she came out of her room, i would calmly march her back in and tell her that when she was ready to talk nicely she could come out. being consistent and giving out lots of hugs and kisses for positive behavior seems to have worked well. we still occasionally have the jealousy bouts, but now i believe that it's pretty much normal siblining rivalry. it's not going to be easy, but be persistent! it's worth the rewards later :-) Let me know if you'd like to talk more about it, and i can give you my phone number.

Hello,
The merging of families can be so difficult, and I wish you stength and patience. My name is T. and I was a child of of one of those families. I was 21 when my parents were divorced and 22 when the new marriages started. The fact that I was on my own already gave me a unique perspective, as my brother and step-siblings were all younger. There were complications at every level and so far everyone is still together, but it has not been easy.I love my extended family on both sides dearly, however my Father and Stepmother underminded the undjustment factor for the children and paid later with intense rebellion, confusion, and anger. On the other side of the fence, my Aunt had a wonderful blending of families. They certainly had their own problems, but they sought professional help because although the lashing out was not physical (the children were older) they also realized that they could not get control of the situation and it was because they did not fully understand it from all perspectives. They were too close and emotionally involved to understand how to work through the conflict in a productive way. I can't imagine that all of your stepdaughter's anger actually has to do with you. I think that even at her tender age of four, she comes with a certain amount of emotional bagage. Unfortunately she is too youg to understand herself, so even more frustrating for parents in the midst of huge change themselves. I think that every family has to find their own path, but just don't be afraid to get a qualified third party involved because I imagine the behavior will become tougher to correct if the root causes are not dealt with. My Father and Stepmother did seek professional help also, however they still struggle with trying the habit of trying to contain the problems that occur, rather than figuring the causes, working through them, and trying not to repeat the same behvaiors.
I think that you are wise for being proactive in solving this problem and I think that your efforts will pay off. Take care and best wishes!
T.

Dear Jen,
I think you and your family should seek counseling toghether that way she could let it all out in front of a professional.
I would watch out for the 3yr old because she will do the same thing if its not taken care of right away this is not something you should ignore, it doesnt sound like you want to ignore it. Talk to your pediatrician they should recommend you to somebody. Good Luck!!!!

I went through the same thing years ago with my stepson, He would yell at me, try to hit me and he would urinate in his pants and we tried everything even coulsling and it wasnt working, so we decided that we were going to do things a little different and play his game..(Attention)We started to notice with all the bad things he was doing he was getting all the attention and we still got nowhere,The other kids that were doing good were not getting any attention that they should be getting. So When he would start crying(screaming) we would ignore him and if he got louder we would tell him that we couldnt hear him to scream louder and he would do the opposite. It eventually stopped because he knew that we werent going to listen to him if he was going to be screaming.

Two incidents where he wet his pants( and these were the last times) The first incident he wet his pants my husband had to go to the convienence store down the street and he took his son (still wet) he said he had to change, my husband said "no, if you feel that you just want to wet your pants then you stay that way all day and when we go somewhere you are going the way you are!" So my husband put a towel down on the from seat and took him to the store and made him get off. My son was so embarrassed, people were looking at him and a man in the store made a comment of "Looks like someone had an accident" Our son came in the house straight to his room, he took a shower and went to bed. The second time he wet his pants( a couple of days after the first incident) we planned earlier that day that we were going grocery shopping and he decided that he was going to wet his pants and my husband made him go that way through out the grocery store. He wimpered the whole time and i felt so bad. I whispered to my husband do you think I should take him home so he can change?Now He loves me.. my husband said no, But I dont think he will be wetting his pants anymore and he didnt. You could try this see if it works. let me know if you try it..My husband told our son you dont have to like her (me) but you will respect her!!

A woman made a comment that you should live separatly..That your children come first. that its to soon for the child. So basically only do what your child wants. This is what is wrong with american woman and messed up children that have no dicipline, and run thier mothers. children do come first but that doesnt mean for you or your boyfriend not to have a life together, That is bull!!It just takes time for her to undersand and for her to feel comfortable with you. you cant just run away or do everything your child wants(unless he or she is in danger) if thats the case you will be alone forever. Its hard, but life in general is hard, but it takes time and lots of hard work in a relationship and with children and stepchildren. Trust me Ive been with my husband 13 years and i have 4 kids from a previous marriage and he has 2 previous marriage. Let me tell you its been hard but we have worked though all the ups and downs. We have never givin up on our children or our relationship. I cant stand mothers that just give up so easily on everything. A mother deserves her happieness just like her child and does take alot of hard work. To all mothers dont give up! just work hard at what you want and if its right it will work out eventually!!

Is her mom still around? Have you talked to her about it? My son is 3 and still not potty trained. Stubborn as a mule. Our next option is to get a baby boy doll that drinks and wets. So we'll see.

Counseling may be a good idea. But while working on that, take this into consideration. Children need boundaries - it makes them feel secure and loved. My oldest daughter (she's 6) was one to push the boundaries. I mean REALLY push. I'm the oldest kid of 3 and was a baby sitter a lot as a jr. high student. I have NEVER seen a kid with the need to so obviously push the boundaries as my daughter. She would be a complete hellion - yelling and physical. When I would give her a swat, we were best friends again. Now, I'm not advocating hitting kids. But I do believe there are times there is no other alternative. My point is that she would push and push until she got into trouble and then she was fine - she just needed that reassurance.

So, treat your beau's daughter like one of your kids. No special treatment. Same rules, same expectations - same punishments. If her mother left her, she may need that extra reassurance of her boundaries.

The potty thing is about control. Just be a mom to her and keep those boundaries in place. And, again, maybe counseling.