Question for Parents of "Explosive Children/ADHD/other"

Sooo been there!

When that happens, it is time for both of us to have a time out. I go in my room to cool down (and often end up in tears, too!) and he goes to his room. Once I've calmed down, I can talk to him about what happened, apologize, and basically model the correct behavior for after a melt down. (Ever though that maybe kids don't know what to do once they've had a blow-up or melt-down, now that they're calm?) Then we just keep moving forward. I think it helps my son to see that perfect behavior is not the expectations (since it's totally out of reach for anyone) and what to do next.

It will get better! Not all the way, like nothing is wrong, better. But it gets easier as you both learn and progress through this. Hang in there and keep telling her (& showing her) you love her for who she is, challenges and all!

Getting emotionally involved in an argument with a child is like getting emotionally involved in an argument with a piece of furniture... something to be avoided... but we all do it from time to time.

SO been there and done that.

My son knows, that on the rare occasion when he can't come out of his room until MOMMY is done with HER timeout, that I'm human, too.

And... quite frankly... while I almost never yell (have, however), if it's my SON in a meltdown... that's where he goes. To his room, on timeout. Not any minute per age thing (sooooo wouldn't work with my kiddo), but until he can

a) calm down (can easily take 15-45 minutes)
b) talk about
- What happened (calmly)
- What would be *better* to do next time (at least 2 options of different things)

R.,
adhd-c mum to an adhd-c kiddo

PS... a thing to consider: My adhd kiddo is *also* hypoglycemic. Which we didn't figure out for a couple years. The only thing that has worked on a practical basis is for him to near constantly to be drinking chocolate milk. The caffeine in the chocolate helps with the adhd... but the quick sugars, sturdy proteins, and long lasting fats make our lives soooooo much easier. Adhd kids who are also hypoglycemic seriously LOSE it when their blood sugar gets wonky. As he's gotten older his hypoglycemia has gotten somewhat milder (fewer growth spurts) AND of course he has more practice with what to do when he feels stuff coming on... but it certainly hasn't erased. He's mostly just become more cognizant of the warning signs and better at self monitoring. I only know *sometimes*, and it's if I happen to see the glassy eyes that happen a few minutes before a meltdown.

No, you can't be calm and rational in response all the time unless you are some sort of super human or super hero! I hope you aren't beating yourself up over it but that you are looking for ways that help you as parenting is hard with any child and it sounds like you have a little bit extra on your plate. I know your question was simple....so now I have to answer.....Yes I have done that. Do I feel bad when I do? Yes! Fortunately it's not often and less so as I've learned I don't have to react right away to her. I'm talking a minute, not hours or anything but that little time gives me a chance to gather myself and stay calm. The added bonus is it often diffuses the situation faster.

Oh, for sure! You are a human being. Some of that is not all bad, even kids with issues need to know that how they behave affects how people feel about them at the moment and how life toddles on when they have melt downs. Does not really mean that they can stop them, but it does help them have more resolve to do the work at in therapy to acquire the coping skills they need so that they are in more control. They also learn that Mom can get mad, and we still love them. So, they naturally save it for us, the safe one, which is a good sign! It is the first coping skill, the first adjustment of the melt down, the first ablity to withhold them in public, and save it all for you. I they were doing it all the time everywhere, you would still have the first hurdle to work out, that they can save them up. I know, it is not the best news in the world, it is less satisfiying than getting to enjoy the good times, but it does get better...

Learn to forgive you. They need to see that you can do that for yourself, so that they can, because lets face it, they need to be able to forgive themselves more often than we do if they have any hope at all for their own futures, we keep encouraging them to keep up the hard work, and you just modleded it perfectly!

M.

It is not easy for you, and I'm sure it is not easy for her too. Just don't be so tough on yourself. You are doing what you can. It isn't like you have to do one right choice and that's it. You'll have to do it over and over again. And sometimes you'll do it right, sometimes - not. You are not a saint. It is a learning process. You are learning a lot about your reactions, and how to control yourself. When we learn we make mistakes, and we go on learning. Don't get discouraged. And don't stop loving yourself, and your daughter. Love and forgiveness.
Much luck to you!

Been there done that. All you can do is lick your wounds and hers and during a calm time tell her how much you love her but that sometimes mommy gets really frustrated too.
Have a place she can go when she melts down or put her in a timeout hold. Mine never sat in TO.
Have consequences for good behaviour, like chocolate milk at dinner if she has a good day in school. MIne had to get smileys for milk.
Offer her no more food if she refuses what you make or say here is the bread, after her meltdown.

Forgive yourself M.. These ODD kids are hard and consistency and constant vigilism are the best but it is also soooooo hard.

Hi there, I have a special needs child and recently took a class on ABA behavior therapy and it has really helped the behavior in our home. If you are able to get therapy through your insurance company it sounds like ABA would be a way to go for you. I received the training through Developmental Pathways in Englewood CO. I see you're in Boulder, not sure if you are a part of Dev Pathways or not. The trainer was Sara Stoner, PhD. I would love to give you more information if you want to send me a private message. One more place to go, if you haven't already for advice is a listserve called P2P.org (Parent to Parent of Colorado). Good luck.
Also, one of the key things we were taught the first night and is my new motto is to "check your emotions at the door".
Take care.
K. - Aurora

My oldest, now 23, was ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiance disorder).

My second, now 15, has ADD.

One of my triplets, about to turn 6, has something going on as well but has not been tested yet.

You do not give these types of children choices on basic things like meals. You put food in front of them and that is that. They need to get into this routine. They need routines and schedules to keep line flowing well. If you know food that your child likes and will eat then give them those things and that's it. When you start being "nice" and offering too many things that's when the battles can begin. Don't create a battle. If she doesn't want to eat, then send her away from the table and she won't eat until the next meal. Her outbursts get her sent immediately to her room, period. Remember, you are the parent and YOU will tell HER what is what. She needs to get into that habit fast. And when she misbehaves, punishment needs to be swift. ADD kids need firm routines and immediate consequences because with their minds letting things go too long just makes them more confused and will react worse down the road. You'll have to learn when your child is having an ADD moment and just a bratty moment. Talk to other parents and get to know what the average tempermant of a 5/6 year old is and learn to read your child. This is hard with an ADD child, but will help you down the road.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat
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Never forget that you are human! I have one with ADHD and one with Sensory issues, and there are just times when I can't take it anymore and lose it, although those aren't my proudest moments! Don't be too hard on yourself...its ok to have those "this is so not what I signed up for" moments.

Been there, done that!!! You are NORMAL!!! stop beating yourself up you are a mother not a saint. You have feelings and can only be pushed so far. These kids are so unpredictable - you can read all the books and still you cannot predict when or where they will explode. Everything can be fine, you can be laughing and joking and with a blink of an eye an all out tantrum can occur with screaming and flailing and throwing themselves on the floor --- what are you suppose to do - certainly not always be calm and know what to do - In my experience the psycologist don't even know what to do about it!!!! The books are written in a perfect world - you and your daughter do not live in a perfect world - she will continue to tantrum, the techniques will not work and sometimes you will be calm and rational and deal with them and other times you will yell and scream and act like a lunatic yourself ---- You are NORMAL!!!!!!

On the bright side -- It gets better with age --- I know, I didn't believe it myself, but hang in there, For now, when you just need a break from the tantrum, grab your ipod, go in your bedroom, lock the door, let her bang on the door and scream for 5 minutes , or however long you need while you get a break. It helps and if you are anything like me you need to get rid of the guilt and stop questioning everything you do - your daughter will grow up fine and you will not cause any emotional problems (my constant worry) because you don't know what to do every time she has a tantrum and because you may loose your temper sometimes she needs to see you are human too!

and by the way it is obvious from all your post that you are a great mom!

All I have to say is YOU AREN'T ALONE! I think a lot of moms pride themselves on being calm and in control all the time and that just isn't reality for the rest of us. You sound like a completely conscious, loving parent and you just lost it. I've have had those days, moments myself many times when I just fly of the hook at my daughter. After, I feel terrible and wonder who this angry, evil woman was who just made an appearance. I think the thing that matters is that YOU knew it wasn't the best way to react and can try to find better ways next time. I was just talking to my husband last night about how easy it was for me to completely LOOSE it when I was pregnant with our second child. My 3 year old would act like her normal trying to find control self and I would just loose it. I think it was the combination of hormones and exhaustion that just made staying calm and reasonable impossible. Don't beat yourself up about it and just keep trying to be the rational, loving mom that you are.

oooooo I feel your stress! children do not come with directions. nor do parents come with the proper tools in how to deal with every little situation we encounter. Unfortunately no two children are alike in how a problem can be resolved. All you can do is find what works for you and your daughter. Yes being consistent in your words, actions and discipling ways does help but of course, not always.

My son is a very strong minded, stubborn, sinister child.....the typical discipline methods do NOT work on him. When he has his mind set on something, the ignore and walk away does not even phase him. On some days yes, whos dealing with him (me or nonnie) and what his mood is like.

We battle, we butt heads, he hits, we scream, we shout, we laugh....we share the outbursts together. Sometimes its a matter of MOM taking a time out. Let me tell you, my son has been saved many times by mom having to take a time out herself. Leaving the room to gather my thoughts and regain my composure helps tremendously, as loosing your cool is VERY easy to do. Even with the most patient parents, they loose it too.

Stick to your guns with your daughter. She needs to understand and I am sure she does, that her behaviour in her outbursts are unacceptable. You will NOT be treated this way and if she wishes for you to meet her needs then she needs to use her words and communicate with polite respectful words. Basically u tell her, that is not acceptable and I will not help you until you can speak to me in the proper tone and use the proper words. Then walk away! while your biting your tongue, lol.

If you do yell at her, set an example, apologize for your outburst. That was unacceptable of you to do that. You realize you were in the wrong and will try harder next time to not yell at her. Then continue with her punishment. It shows you acknowledged your behavior and it was wrong, you apologized for your bad behavior and you followed through with your words of what her punishment is.

I have drilled into my sons head to apologize when someone yells at him for doing something wrong. He understands the emotion behind someones anger and disappointment. Most times he catches ppl off guard by him apologizing for what he did (and hes only 2), that they do not even know how to reply or just laugh with amazment.

The other thing I taught my son was to shake it off. Take a deep breath. Until he calms down, then will I meet his needs, if I am asked properly with respect in a polite manner. If he continues, I keep telling him to calm down, shake it off and take a deep breath. For a while there, my son realized he was over reacting and would do these steps without me ever telling him. He then would proceed to communicate to me in the proper manner and got his needs met immediately afterwards. Then I praised him for controlling the situation and finding a solution to make himself calm and happy again. Give him a high five, hug and a kiss. He gets the biggest smile out of this.

Then you have to think OUTSIDE of the box. The next time your daughter blows off steam. Tell her she needs a mental time out. Not a regular time out, but a mental time out. She just needs to leave the room and when she feels she is ready to try it again, she can come back. Or you leave the room, grab a pillow and give it to your daughter and tell her to scream in the pillow. When shes ready to speak with you nicely is when she is ready to try again.

Ignore can work. Or you give her the oatmeal, she throws a fit, and you just tell her, this is the choice you made, I am not a restaurant. If you want something other then what I made for you, get it yourself. Otherwise this is what you asked for, this is what I made for you. Leave it for her to make the choice. If she does want something else, then let HER get it. If it becomes a pattern, stick to your guns about not offering her something else. Again, mention, your not a restaurant, I do not offer a menu, you have two choices to choose from. Its YOUR decision to choose what you want out of these choices being offered. If you do not like either one. Then you do not eat.

I rather go hungry then eat something I truly do not want. One missed meal won't hurt your daughter. If the next outburst is about food obviously. Again, you got to find something that works for you both. One day it may work, the next episode it may not but yes, do stay consistent. The minute they got your number...u have to start ALL over again.

My son lashes out during nap times. Its a 2hr battle sometimes. One method will work one day, the very next day its a total bust. Its not easy and it def sucks booty. But children have to learn they will not ALWAYS get what they want. They have to compromise and work together to make both ppl happy. Thats life....regardless of their age.

Good luck and hope my advise helps a little bit :)

Yes and I am ok with getting upset from time to time. I am human and people get mad we yell sometimes but the key is we recognize it and try to improve on how we react not that we are reacting. Yelling is a very natural part of our daily lives here just to be heard. I have 12 yo twin autistic/adhd/ epileptic boys. They are not on meds for the adhd. So things are always loud here and to be heard well it gets loud. They know when they are in trouble more by tone than yelling. My goal is to teach them how to recover and how to handle the whole situation better. So when I feel like I actually lost my temper I apologize for my behavior. I explain myself to them. Its not all the time but once or twice a year I do. To me there is a big difference between a kid that behaves this way daily or close to it and a parent who is just at the end of their rope and does once in a while. Its good to point that out too. I dont believe in letting anyone most of all my kids think perfection is needed. Nobody is.