My niece is getting married soon. She and I are very close, have been since she was a teeny tiny thing, before I was married or had children (I was the "cool" aunt). She recently confided in me that she has remained a virgin, encouraged by the fact that I did so. I'm proud of her, and told her so.
Then she told me that her fiance is not a virgin. In highschool he had a girlfriend he slept with. He met my niece after that relationship had ended, and hasn't been with anyone else. He agreed to my niece's rule that she wouldn't have sex before marriage, and has patiently waited to be with her.
However, as the wedding date approaches, my niece is worrying a lot about the fact that he isn't a virgin. She came crying to me this week that she felt "cheated" by God for waiting and then falling in love with a man who didn't. I have, of course, talked her down from "the edge" as they say, and she says that was an unreasonable thing to think, but, still. She has concerns that he'll compare her with his ex, she worries that she won't be "good enough", that as a virgin she has no "experience" and won't know how to make him feel good.
Both my husband and I were virgins on our wedding night, so I can't really give her advice on this one. Can any Mamas who were in the same situation as her shed some light on this, please? I've cleared asking this past her, and she's looking forward to reading your responses.
Please no disparaging comments about religion, waiting until marriage, or "shopping around". This is the choice she made and she is happy with it. She is only worried about the discrepancy in their sexual statuses.
Thank you!
Yup... this is why people should wait, so no feelings like this can be had. My husband and I were also both virgins. I commend her for waiting!!
First and foremost, she should talk to him about it-- be honest about her feelings.
She will learn pretty quickly that its easy to please a man even if you're not experienced and it will ease her mind.
Has she talked to him about it? That's my suggestion. Talk to him let him know how she feels.
I'm sorry I don't have experience with this (my husband and I were not only not virgins when we met but we also had three children before we even married!)
I was almost 22 before I decided to have sex so I understand being a virgin for longer than almost every one of my friends and dating as a virgin.
Please tell your niece that if she feels confident enough to marry this man then she shouldn't be concerned that she will be compared to his ex. If he is a good enough man to marry then he shouldn't be the kind to do that.
To your niece:
The absolute biggest thing that they will both have to do and get used to is to communicate very openly about what they want and need when it comes to matters of sex. That is how you learn what pleases the person you will be with for the rest of your life. That is how that person learns to please you. Be open, honest and kind to one another. If you or your partner express a desire for something that you aren't interested in perhaps give it a try at least once. That doesn't mean it becomes part of the "menu". But please don't make the other feel bad or weird for suggesting something that you may not be interested in (unless of course it compromises your safety or the safety of others, is illegal, etc-you know common sense stuff).
No one expects miracles when you first become intimate. What is most important is sharing that closeness and intimacy that you can only get with a spouse that you love dearly. The "fireworks" will come as you learn your body and his.
Relax and cherish these new moments with your new husband!
Since your neice will be reading:
Good for you hun!!! Congrats on your upcoming wedding. All I can say is, your soon to be hubby chose YOU not his EX to be his WIFE. HE loves you and only you. He wants to be with YOU. Sex is not just about physically making eachother feel good. It is about spiritually, emotionally etc. You and your hubby have to figure out what works for both of you. Take your time and don't worry about making him feel good. See what you both like along the way. You both won't be mindblowing partners the second you have sex, it takes time to find out what you both enjoy. If he is willing to learn just as much as you are, you will both do fine. Don't worry at all---enjoy your day!!!
***Also, each couple no matter if one has had sex or not, they both have to find out what eachother likes---so it takes time and practice in ALL relationships whether one of you is a virgin or not.
Good luck hun and have a great day!!!
M
he's been with ONE girl...tell me how much can he really know? I doubt VERY seriously if he will compare her to anyone else...a man who will wait until they get married is a good man....
COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!!
This is something THEY need to discuss...if she can't go to him with this concern...what else is she going to hold back from him? Sorry to be negative but really? it's GREAT that she comes to you - however, she NEEDS to talk to HIM about this...
As they muddle through their sex life - muddle is a bad word but it's what came to mind - they will learn what they like and don't like - they will HAVE to communicate what they like...she can't come to you and say "I don't like it when he FILL IN THE BLANK" - how is HE going to know she doesn't like it?
Tell her that communication with ANY married couple is tantamount to its success....this is something they will learn together...I'm glad you are there for her ....encourage her to TALK WITH HIM (not TO but WITH) him about about...I think it's WONDERFUL that she waited!!! I applaud her for it!!! No bad comments from me!! TELL HER YAHOO!!
How wonderful and sweet she has waited, and how remarkable that a young man who had already had a bit of experience was willing to wait for her till marriage! He must love her so much to be willing to wait along with her. She wont have anything to worry about on their wedding night. Im sure he will only be thinking of her and will make their future a learning experience together. From what Ive heard, boys in high school arent all that terrific and she will be able to teach him what she likes, as much as he will let her know what he wants. They will grow up together and be fine.
I did not wait until marriage. But as I read this, all I could think is that she needs to be reminded that sex is much more than a physical act. It's an emotional connection. That alone, will make her "good enough". It's not like his one previous girlfriend has made him some sort of expert. They will both learn together what they like and what they don't like...they will have to learn to communicate about sex. He loves her, he's waited for her. He is not looking to compare her to his past, he wants to look toward the future. Her fears are not unfounded. I think a lot of people worry about being a disappointment. My sister recently got married. They were both virgins. She admitted to me that they were both concerned about being some sort of disappointment to each other. In fact they waited until a few days into their honeymoon. They didn't want to be distracted or tired or worried about schedules. When I asked her how she felt about things, she said that she was so glad she waited. That the event itself wasn't that big of a deal, but the connection made was priceless.
Encourage your niece to not hold this "disappointment" over her fiance's head. Both my husband and I were virgins when we married but I wouldn't not have been upset if he had not been. I held myself to the standard of not having sex before marriage but I didn't think it was fair to hold anyone else to that standard. Does that make sense? I didn't want to shun a man who had previously had sex just because *I* chose not to. It wouldn't make him less of a person.
She has not been cheated by God. God doesn't play that game. Things didn't work out to her expectation but it wasn't any surprise to God. She can't blame her husband for her feeling inadequate or inexperienced - she can only rely on God to help her past her fears and come out a more confident person.
He's not going to compare high school childhood sex to married man sex. He's just... not. He might as well be a virgin all over again. :-) I mean, really, he was a boy. There couldn't have been much to it, and certainly no finesse. One would hope that after several years he's matured and isn't just a horny child any more and that the experience will now mean something.
My husband and I were both each other's firsts although we didn't wait for marriage. I think we match each other pretty nicely in spite of not having "shopped around." One doesn't need to have had experience with more than one partner to know how to satisfy their spouse, and if she's nervous then just tell her that "practice makes perfect."
she should be talking about her concerns, with her Fiance.
Before they get married.
Or see a counselor, pre-marriage.
Her self-esteem is being affected.
Regardless of beliefs per her virginity and his life before her... this is the way it is.
She would, and he too, would benefit from counseling.
Otherwise, this WILL be a PROBLEM... in their marriage too.
AND, no one can solve her self-esteem, except herself.
Her Fiance's life, is the way it was.
She HAS to come to terms with that... because he cannot change his prior life. It just is.
She and the Fiance, have to talk.
IF she cannot talk to her Fiance about this or anything else that is personal... then what kind of marriage will that be???
NOTHING makes her Fiance worse or better than another man, despite their virginity or not, prior.
People, are people.
Problems like this, comes with virginity or not.
It is about her self-esteem and her fears and her inability to accept her Fiance, the way he is and was, prior to her.
She cannot change things or her Fiance's non-virginity.
So she has to come to terms with that.
And marry him or not.
BECAUSE, one thing that WILL dismantle a marriage.. is IF she continues... to have these issues, even after married.
She cannot hold her Fiance's choices in life (prior to her), hanging it above his head... like he is being judged.
And if she continues to be insecure, about herself and sex, even after they are married... this will be, a constant problem. EVEN if her Fiance is perfect and nice to her... she will still have these self-esteem issues and insecurities... and "comparing" herself to the other girl her Fiance had before her.
Do you see?
This is not, about her Fiance's non-virginity.
This is about her.
IF she does not come to terms... about her Fiance and the way he was and his life prior... SHE, will not be giving her relationship, a fair chance.
NO one, would want to be judged, for their prior life, by their Wife or girlfriend. Nor constantly.
She also would be 'wrong' to constantly have these hang-ups, upon her maybe Husband. A Spouse, would be hard-pressed to make someone 'happy'... if they have these issues, even if it is not justified.
She NEEDS to talk to her Fiance, about this.
You said, your Niece feels "Cheated by God... " for falling in love with a Man who was not a virgin.
Gee... that is really hard... for the Fiance.
She feels, he is not good enough?
She really, has to figure herself out.
Or it will be unfair, to her Fiance.
And this has to do with her self-esteem... AND... DOES her Fiance... have the same religious values as her????
If not, that may be ANOTHER problem, in their relationship and marriage and if they have children.
She needs to figure this out. Now.
And talk to her Fiance.
She can't be 'worrying' about comparing herself to other women.
That is, really not, good upon any relationship.
Her Fiance chose her, to marry.
She does not seem, so sure.
She has issues and reservations about HIM and getting married to him... as he is.
Also, if she is not already, she should have an OB/GYN Doctor.
Since she is or will be getting married and to discuss things like birth control etc.
My husband was a virgin (also religious reasons), I wasn't! He felt the same way she did, I did a lot of pleading with him, I already felt ashamed for not waiting and his loss of faith in who I was as a person who made past mistakes was incredibly painful. Not to mention, we waited until our wedding night to be together, so it felt like he wasn't willing to give me the benefit of the doubt for when I was waiting for him.
It was heartbreaking and embarrassing that I had to seek 'forgivenesss' from him for things I did before we ever even met. Now that he is older he's extremely embarrassed he acted that way and has brought it up out of the blue and will sometimes apologize all over again for it. He also felt worried about being with this 'experienced" woman, so maybe that is where part of the fear comes from?
Please tell her not to worry, and she should talk about it with him. It will still be special. It is their first time together and he is waiting for her. Also, let her know, people mesh together and learn to please each other. Even the most experienced sexual partner may not be able to please another person, because we are all so very different in what we like and how we are together. So what, their first time might not be great, but that's what is so great about marrying your true love, is you always find ways to please each other! I never compare my husband to former people and really, they weren't that great anyways! There is a reason I chose not to marry anyone else, just like there is a reason her fiance is not marrying the other girl.
Also, seriously, "cheated by God"? She is getting her reward for waiting, sexual purity, the gift to give of herself to the one she loves. That isn't enough for her? God never promised to provide a pure partner for everyone who waits, that's the beautiful thing about free agency.
Also, remind her not to judge him, for that is a greivous sin in itself. Does she plan on telling the world about their sexual statuses? Does she really think that is who he is? It sounds like she needs a bit of maturing. This is a sad thing to tarnish a blossoming relationship with.
Okay, this is a little different, but would your husband be willing to talk with her and she with him? I mean maybe coming from a man's perspective she will "believe" it a little bit more...cuz I'm quite sure he won't be comparing her to his ex if he's been waiting this long! He'll be so excited, happy, thrilled, etc. to be with her and be married that it's not even going to be an issue.
I was not a virgin when I married, nor was my husband. Still we had discrepancies in our sexual statuses, insecurities, and had to get to know each other physically.
Everybody's bodies respond differently. You can have sex with one person one way (and they'll love it) and do it exactly the same with another and they won't like it a bit!
Bottom line: Communication, communication, communication.
"Does this feel good? How do you want this? Would you like it slower/faster/harder/softer? Do you have any fantasy's you'd like to share with me? Might I pleasure you differently? I'm OPEN for direction...tell me what YOU want."
"This is what feels good. Please stop, that isn't comfortable. OH, right THERE is perfect. I was thinking...would you consider us trying X, Y, Z?"
AND
"I'm scared, I don't know if you'll like this and I'm worried you might reject me should it not be to your liking." Or, "I'm afraid it's going to hurt. Please be slow and gentle." Etc.
Virgins or not, we all have a process of learning about, and exploring our own/our sexual partner's bodies/internal landscapes. We all have insecurities, moments of doubt, and differences with our partners. Honesty, clear fearless respectful communication, and a willingness to share and connect...that is something that is helpful to my marriage.
Best wishes to your niece!
ETA: I am SO glad my husband got to learn from past relationships BEFORE he met me. He came to me having learnt the lessons that made him ready for our relationship. Same goes for me and my life experience. None of us is a blank canvas when we meet each other. Thank goodness. Our learning continues, and is shaped (but not the sum) of our past.
My husband was a virgin when we got married. I was not. I have never compared him to any of the other guys I was with, at least not in a negative way. I would tell her not to worry. I love my husband more than my own life, and to be honest, even though he was a virgin (and lacked experience, so to speak) he blew the other guys out of the water! ;) Seriously. I don't know what they were doing or trying to do, but there is no comparison. Kudos to your neice for waiting!! And kudos to her fiance for making the committment to wait for her. Like someone else said, open communication is vital...as well as trust, love, and a good sense of humor. :) They have the rest of their lives to perfect their sex life together. If he is a good guy I really doubt he will compare her to the other girl. One thing to remember - he chose her. Of all the girls in this world, he chose her, nobody else. So that should say a lot. :) He may have been with another girl in the past, but he isn't any longer.
For me I can't judge or be upset with my husband for not being a virgin at our time of marriage. It was something he did before we meet so I can't be upset or mad at him for it. I sometimes worried that I wasn't as good as my husband's other sex encounters but then I remind myself that he married me not them. Plus I got all the experience with him and he really likes that.
I can't relate to their exact situation, however I find that it helps to remember that EVERYONE brings history/baggage into a relationship. The important thing is to look forward to the future and not dwell on the past. He's not marrying his ex, is he? That speaks volumes. Clearly he prefers your niece, and she won't be inexperienced for long! ;) Just think - maybe he feels the same way - "What if she judges that I'm not good enough, after she has been waiting for so long?" - she should talk to him if she's worried. But really, it's not like he's got a huge track record here. He is not THAT experienced, certainly not enough so that he'd be judging her! Everything will be fine! Relax and enjoy.
Just because he's been with another girl, doesn't mean he knows everything about sex. Likely, he'll be MORE nervous than she because he's her introduction to sex.
My advice would be to have your niece talk to her fiance about her fears. If he's been patient and respectful this whole time, there's no reason to think that won't continue. It will take time for this young couple to learn how to please each OTHER; it's not just about her pleasing him.
I think that's great! My husband and I were both virgins too! But as for her being scared and worried about what to expect on their wedding night which I also felt the sameway, tell her to sit down and talk to her fiance about it, as far as him not being a virgin, it really shouldn't matter, maybe he regrets it and has changed. I would tell her not to think about that part, i'm sure that he also must feel like a "born again" virgin so he's probably afraid too! Let her know that it's not only all about sex, it's more intimate feelings for eachother, emotionally feeling that bond. I rember my wedding night, it was the most beautiful feeling ever! Just the thought of having him in your life forever, to be the father of your children and to grow old together is just beautiful as is. As far as not "knowing" what to do, YES, thats DOES come naturally! You both will start to experiment once you both are comfortable enough. It's a normal thing and you'll be surprised! Congrat's on your engagement and commitment to eachother.
He obviously could be feeling just as nervous as she is about it. Isn't everyone apprehensive at first? He probably is worried she will expect him to be a perfect lover since he has experiences she doesn't. Or he will worry that she won't like things he did that were sucessful with the ex. Or that he is worried that he will compare them. They should talk about it so that he knows her true feelings and he his. Obviously, the fact that he has waited for her and wants to marry her says a lot about his personality and how deep his love for her is. A little open communication can make the worries diminish- I think it's just jitters! ( My husband and I both waited til our wedding night and I can tell you we were both worried then too-it's normal)
I was the opposite of your niece, so maybe I can shed a little light as to what he may be thinking. Yes, my SOs inexperience showed that first night, but it was not a problem, it was sweet, and I took things slow to be sure he felt comfortable. I have never compared him to my ex lovers. I have, over the years, simply taught him all the things I like, and together we have explored to find the things he likes. He won't be judging her in any way, or thinking she is not good enough, he will simply feel loved and in love, and incredibly happy to have finally found the one.
I think she needs to talk to him about it. I wasn't a virgin and neither was my husband but what do virgins do? Just "wing it"? Is there a book or something that they read so they are a little up to speed with what to do and expect? Hmmm. Well, that wasnt your question! I hope you get some good answers for her. I think thats awesome that she waited. I hope my kids can do the same. Good luck!!!
33 responses already - I don't have time to read them all either. I was in the same boat. I waited for my husband. He'd had 3 partners before he and I met. I totally understand how she feels! I think this is a conversation she needs to have with her fiance. He will likely be surprised that she has these concerns, but he can also alleviate her worry by letting her know that there will be no comparisons because she is everything and all that he wants. His commitment to their relationship already proves that, and he cannot undo his past (nor can she). Jealousy, worry, frustration are too negative to hold onto in preparation for a celebration of love and commitment. Preparing to be married is an emotional time, certainly, but it should be exciting and joyful and not too stressful. I hope she can address her concerns with her fiance. I have no doubt he can reassure her, so they can move gleefully forward.
I was a virgin and my husband was not (had been with 2 other women). It definitely was intimidating at first. He had experience and I had gone no farther than 2nd base with any guy (above the waist touching). Here is how I got past all of those feelings of "am I good enough?":
I reminded myself that my husband LOVES ME!!! If he didn't, he would not be marrying ME! Sex is so much more than a physical act, and his love for me would conquer any feelings of inadequacy that I may have felt. Our love for each other would allow the sex to be enjoyable no matter how inexperienced I was.
She also needs to be open and honest with him about how she is feeling. I told my husband my concerns (not being good enough, he has more experience, etc.) and he was SO sweet about it. He always told me how wonderful it was, and always made sure that I was comfortable and not overwhelmed with positions, intensity, etc.
We have been married over 5 years now, and I can honestly say that sex with my husband is still as pleasurable now as it was 5 years ago. Good for her for waiting, and I hope this helps! :)
Hi MOSM,
Congrats on the upcoming niece nuptuals!
I agree that she needs to talk with him about this- what a great way to start having these "marital" conversations. Virginity and ability to have discussions with her fiance/husband about sex are 2 completely different things.
I was not a virgin, but I would offer this insight. Rarely have 2 people gotten married in this world who were 'balanced' in experience or status. One has had more partners or less partners or done more things or less things. Even if they had the same # of partners - did they have sex the same # of times? I say that because even if they were both virgins, she still might have concerns just based on overall experience level (necking etc) - or even just the amount of information they each know about sex in general.
Try to get her to both remove the emotion and increase the emotion at the same time in different areas of the topic of sex.... I know easier said than done!!!!!
Regarding decreasing the emotion: It's just a conversation about phyical connections.....
She needs to talk to her husband about what he likes - how does he like to be touched etc (NOT - what did that other girl do that you liked.... but in general, how do you like to be touched) as well as how SHE likes to be touched. Just because she hasn't been touched by a boy - she hopefully is still in touch with her own body and what she likes.
Regarding increasing the emotion: It's just a conversation about emotional/spiritual connections.....
As the other mom's said sex is about the connection between 2 people. Her and Him. and ONLY her and him. So, regardless of who has done what when.... the intimacy THEY share will be unique. He didn't love that other girl in the way that he loves your niece - so the connection will be different.
The other thing..... part of their responsibilties of a spouse is to teach and guide their partners on what their expectations are of each other - in ALL areas. Have they done pre-marital counseling? Does she have a good understanding of what his expectations are of her as a wife and what HER expections are of HER as a wife? And vice versa.... have they talked about what each of their expectations are of him as a husband? They EACH should have the expectation that they are able to talk about and teach the other what feels good and what they like in regards to intimacy (as well as other areas - housework, children, finances etc).
Just my $0.02
I didn't have time to read all the other posts so I may be repeating what others' have said. Tell her to forgive him. Forgiveness means that you put it behind you and look to the future...their future. If she doesn't forgive him than she will be bringing his ex along with them to their honeymoon and that will only stand in the way of them enjoying THEIR life together.
i was a virgin, husband was not, it wasnt a surprise too me and it didnt bother me, i was kind of glad he knew what to do and was very very gentle. he wil not compare you once he has you in his arms, you miss virgin, let him lead the way and dont try to copy what you read or seen in movies. everything will come together.
I was not a virgin when I met my husband...he was however. So sort of similar (and I have not read any other posts).
I can say that not once ever have I compared him to any of my previous partners.
Has she asked him how does he feel about him not being a virgin?
I remember thinking, oh jeez, what if I don't live up to his expectations? Will I meet the standards he set, or will he be dissapointed in the act?
The truth is...he and I were/are so in love with eachother that sex just happens naturally for us. She should just think about him and their future together.
Well good for her! I agree with the posters who said "Yea!" that this guy is waiting for her until after they're married, which says a lot about him and his love for her. When I met my now-husband, we both knew we were both not virgins. But for eachother, we waited. It was hard to abstain, since we both knew what we were missing, but we wanted our relatinship to be more than just sex. So that being said, she need not worry. I don't wonder if my husband thinks about his ex-girlfriends. I don't often think about my ex-husband/boyfriends, at least not in a "I wish my husband would do what Johnny used to do" sort of way. I think if two people are committed to eachother, it doesn't matter about the past, what matters in the future. And tell your neice that finding out what he likes/dislikes is all part of the fun! :)
I wasn't a virgin before I got married and neither was my husband. I wish I would have waited and been like your niece. She shouldn't be worried and she has a lifetime with her husband. He waited for her, wanted to please her, tell her that even though he isn't a virgin he already respects and wants her and the "ex" is just that. Part of his past. Let her know the first time will probably be awkward and probably very painful... but it gets a lot better and down deep he'll love the fact that she is ALL his and he is her one and only. Tell her not to compare herself sexually to anyone. Tell her to be open and honest to her husband and that makes the sex that much better.
What a great aunt you are!!!
Wow. What a heavy question. I was not a virgin when I married. I had a child and was 29. My husband was 25 and was the next thing to it as he had sex once in a car with a very experienced girl and he just sat there not knowing what to do, at age 21.
I've had friends who had the girl a virgin, guy not. Guy a virgin, girl not. Both virgins. Both not virgins. I think at the end of the day it doesn't have to do with if you're a virgin (inexperienced) or not. Sex is easy enough to "learn" and "get the hang of" if you're with the right person who loves you and all that. Who knows. In the future she may be dissatisfied with her future husband because he doesn't know how to listen to her needs and please her. And he's the "experienced" one. Just because he had sex with a teenage girl doesn't mean he is the know all in sex! LOL It's about compatibility and love, meeting each others needs, talking about it. She may not know what to do at first. That's ok, cuz who does when they're with a person the first time, experienced or not. But she knows how she feels about him and she'll know what does and doesn't feel good to her. Just remind her that it is a shared thing. It's not all about her pleasing him. That's only half of it. He needs to be sure to be pleasing her as well, physically and emotionally.
I can say, my husband stinks in the sack, to put it bluntly. Always has in nearly 20 years together. He only thinks of his own needs and doesn't listen. At this point, we don't even have sex anymore. It's been years, basically since we had our triplets, and it all boils down to him not fulfilling anyone's needs but his own, so I don't bother. It's too hurtful and humiliating.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who has more experience in bed. What really concerns me is why THIS topic is what she's so concerned about. There are so many more things that need to be discussed and thought about rather than sex. How about finances? Children? Marital expectations? Parental expectations? Who works? Who does which chores? How do we split holidays with family? There are so many day to day things to discuss FIRST. Sex is great and intimacy is important in a relationship but who has more experience is SO on the bottom of the list of worries and that's what I'd be explaining to her. For her to be comparing herself to his ex already in bed when they've never slept together shows that she's already got some low self-esteem and THAT needs to be discussed. I can understand the fear of having sex for the first time - what do I do, what do I don't do, how do I know when he or I am pleasured, etc. But worrying about the ex and making comparisons is just something that needs to be addressed because that's showing low self-esteem. For her to lay down her ground rules and hold off on sex in these times shows a lot of self-respect and self-discipline, and maturity. But the low self-esteem.. makes me wonder how stable she feels her relationship really is. I'm sure a thorough talking would help her level out but these do have to be addressed.
K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
While my husband and I weren't married first before having sex, we were in a committed relationship. He was my first, but I wasn't his. Needless to say, it made no difference to him or to me. We both loved each other very much, and his past wasn't our present. I should point out that we waited til I was ready, which was close to 5 years of being together. Now 13 years strong, we have a wonderful son, and are happy. It doesn't matter in the long run.
I understand your niece's concerns about not measuring up, but truly, the way I see it, it's THEIR first time together, and that in and of itself is the gift.
hey cool aunt, why not pick her up a copy of the joy of sex and a pretty nightgown for the wedding night. He loves her and together they will figure it out.
She clearly needs to be communicating with her husband to be.
This is a classic example of being open, honest and communicating with your partner. It is vital to communicate with your partner to keep things open and honest in the marriage. No topic off limits!!
HE needs to reassure her and she needs to stop the worry.
Kudos to the niece. Let her know that the enormous gift he's getting from her is much more important to him than the fact she won't know any dominatrix moves on the honeymoon. If she's in love with him, he must be a good person, and if he's a good person, he knows her and loves her and is not judging her "skill level". Tell her sex is human instinct. The girl he was with wasn't any better than any one else, and over time, their relationship is going to leave that one in the dust. She needs to understand that and try her best to let go of her hang up over it.
That's the point of making hard moral decisions-most other people don't! She needs to feel good she made that choice for herself, not bad, even embrace the fact that it was only her and not him and be OK with that.
Plus, if she was to ditch this guy and wait around for a virgin....um...chances are less and less likely she'd ever find one....so tell her to be glad he's only been with one person.
Unfortunately this can really do a trip on her for years to come if she keeps dwelling on the fact that she waited and he didn't. Hopefully once she feels comfortable, she'll get over it. It's almost like when one spouse cheats and one doesn't, the one who didn't always knows that the other spouse has been with someone else during the marriage and it's awful unless they just "let it go".
just tell her NOT TO WORRY that everyone who was with someone or not with someone and become intimate with their spouse worry about being compared and worry about not being good enough for them to please them. Let her know that her body will take over and she will know what to do (For the most part) when the time is right
I'm sure that she has picked a good guy and has high standards. He also sounds like he is dedicated to her and respectful of her wishes as well as honest with her. Therefor, I would really not think that he would be comparing her to anyone. Maybe if he was a shallow person, but I doubt she picked that kind of guy to marry. Tell her not to worry about comparison, if he is patiently waiting for her then I'm sure he will be happy to be having sex period :)
I also agree with the forgiveness comment below. Not everyone (and not most) are raised to have the value and commitment to wait until marriage to have sex. The value of this was just maybe not ever encouraged with him so it seems wrong to hold it against him. And also, in general (not just sex issues) - I think it's wrong to judge someone by what they were like in high school. We're not very mature at that age and don't make good decisions always.
Also, reiterate that good sex isn't about experience, it's about love and feeling :) As cheesy as that sounds! It's not like this guy has been sleeping around with dozens of women or anything so he doesn't have super high expectations I am sure.
Please tell her not to put too much pressure or emphasis on the situation. She should not worry and should concentrate on the fact that sheis getting MARRIED (!!!) to the most wonderful guy out there and that they get to have a beautiful life together. Tell her to remember that he loves her and everything else will fall into place. It's not worth the stress. The mroe she stresses about it, the harder it will be for her because she is putting pressure on herself which makes the situation hard to enjoy!
I'm wondering how far out of high school your niece is. I didn't have sex with any of my high school boyfriends, but I honestly can't even remember what it felt like kissing them. Everyone is so young and silly in high school. When I think back to my first kiss, it's like I'm watching a movie that's constantly fading away, not like I'm feeling it or reliving it. Maybe that's because I'm a very different person now. Her fiance's memories of his ex might be the same way. (After all, you don't have a lot of time to make memories when you're nervous and trying to sneak away for some privacy from your parents, siblings, friends, etc... ) She may be worrying about something that he barely remembers! I know your niece will probably think, "Of course he remembers having SEX!" But it's not like the movies, with music swelling out of nowhere as the couple gaze deeply into one another's eyes and simultaneously climax. Her fiance might have even had a kind of bad and awkward experience that he'd rather forget. She should definitely talk to him about it in a non-accusatory kind of way and clear the air.
I share this next part only because I had such high expectations about sex, and don't want your niece to feel let down by her first experience like I was. My husband and I were both virgins. It took a long time for me to enjoy sex. I know people say that you need to tell the other person what you want, but it can be hard to figure out what you want in the moment. On our first attempt I was nervous and it hurt so much, that we just gave up. My husband couldn't stand to try when it hurt me so much. It was really disconcerting, and I felt so sad. We had been together for years, we had wanted one another for years, so why wasn't it working like on TV? It took a lot of not-so-great sex before we figured out how to make things work for me, and it wasn't for lack of trying on my husband's part. You know how on a soap opera, the man just seems to glide into the woman beneath the sheets? I never had that kind of experience with penetration until after I had my first child. Prior to that penetration always involved lots of store bought lubricant, and me gritting my teeth and saying, "A little this way, now that way, stop! Okay- just hold still here for awhile." It was about as romantic as telling someone how to pick your nose! And all that directing wasn't to help me feel good, it was just to make things hurt less. Thank goodness my husband was so patient. It took months for us to realize that things wouldn't be like in the movies for us. That we could have romantic foreplay, and really good sex with both of us climaxing, but in between we'd always have this awkward, semi-painful penetration to deal with. I just had to accept that God made me a small woman with a large husband, and not a character on a soap opera! I guess my point is, you probably won't have perfectly in tune sex right off the bat. Don't doubt yourself or your choices or your relationship if things don't go smoothly at first. Sex gets better over time as you figure things out.
My hubby had one sexual relationship before me. I had several and enough casual encounters to equal my fill of men before him. Neither of us would change the status for any reason. he learned from his relationship that he wanted a warm, caring lover, which i try to be. i learned from my experiences to speak out for what i want and to place emotional connection to sex. if we didn't find it out with other people, we would have eventually learned it with each other. we just look at it as we get to skip some of the learning curve.
so he's not fresh off the farm and she is. big whoop. married grown up sex is totally different from teenage relationship sex. in fact i would go so far as to say that it is MUCH better. they will figure their way like all other couples, one night at a time.
Good for her for waiting. I was 27 my first time and it was to the man I was engaged to. My fiancee was surprised I had waited as most don't. He had previous partners, and so I was nervous knowing he was "experienced". It was actually a lousy experience, it was painful and no pleasure at all. He was not as "experienced" as I thought. At least not in the areas that mattered to me. It was fine though, but tell her not to expect a lot from him despite him being "experienced". It can take a long time for anyone to really figure it out, and especially guys for some reason. So it could be a good or even great experience or a lousy one, but tell her not to worry too much about it or expect too much of herself or him.
Sex is always a big deal in a relationship, but it's even bigger when it's the first time... Some of her worries are the same ones that anyone would have with a new partner, some are heightened by her lack of "experience," and then you throw the typical pre-wedding emotions into the mix. Personally, I believe that it's impossible not to wonder about your loved one's previous partner(s), even those who say they don't. However, what's not productive/healthy is to compare yourself to others. We are each special and unique - physically, emotionally, spiritually - as are each of our relationships. He wants to be with her for very many reasons, and she with him. From a religious perspective, his past is for him to reconcile with God not a punishment for her. It sounds like he has been open with her and she needs to do the same with him (not in an "out come the crazies" sort of way but in a "I'm feeling more intimidated than I expected to feel" sort of way). Hope this helps. You are a great aunt for helping her through this emotional roller-coaster...
I am pretty late but if she is still a fiance here are my two cents. You have to let the past rest in the past. I am assuming here these are Christian people? You can't hold something over someone that God has forgiven, after all are is our opinion more important than His? Now if they aren't believers and this was more of a moral thing, it still applies that she has to forgive it and forget it. He could be fretting over if she will compare him to her father or if she will be as good of a housekeeper as his mother and so on. When you enter a marriage you let go of your past lives and forge ahead together. Sex is one aspect of marriage but not the whole enchilada. As far as her virgin status, it's great first off and it has nothing to do with their lives together. A couple has to get to know each other sexually plain and simple. A GREAT book on sex is Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat. We read it together before we got married. Both of us had made some mistakes in our past but had been pure for a long time before marriage and waited for each other of course. She is going to have to choose to let it go and move on or it will cause trouble I think. I think looking to the future and focusing on preparing for life together in all areas will help. I wish her the best and send her a big congrats on her upcoming wedding. oh p.s. you are never cheated by God when you do the right thing. She honored God and that is beautiful, she is disease free, she did not have the heartache that can come from a sexual relationship ending, she did not have a child out of wedlock and so on. She is blessed and it sounds like she has a good man. Tell her to be HAPPY!!!
Kudos to your niece for waiting! I did and have no regrets! Your niece needs to convey her feelings to her fiance and if is a man of good moral character he will tell her not to worry and that he loves her for her and can't wait to be with her for the rest of his life.
Neither of us were virgins when we got married, or started dating for that matter. When I realized we were going to be together a while (like forever) we chose to be very honest with each other because our relationship wasn't about anyone that came before.
True love doesn't compare. My husband is the best lover I've ever had because he's the one I'm in love with. I don't regret anyone before, but they were just that - before. Hopefully, your niece's fiance feels similarly.
She and her partner may need to find a place where they can be very honest about what's happened before their relationship. For me, I needed to know. My husband didn't. But any questions he had or I had, we answered tactfully, but honestly. Now, those people aren't "haunting" our life like they might have if we hadn't been willing to ask the question.
Good luck to her and, from the religious perspective, humanity is awesome in its experience of free will. Neither God, nor her fiance, cheated her. She made the decision to not share herself before marriage and if she's proud of that decision then I feel comfortable saying that those around her, including the Divine, are probably pretty darn proud of her too.
