My son is four, and he has a male friend that next door to us that is also four years old. I noticed that the friend has been hugging my son, and even kissing his hand, and trying to lay on top of him when they are playing in the grass outside. I'm not liking it at all, I don't feel it's appropriate. It's not just a simple hug, he seems to be very touchy with my son, and it makes me uncomfortable. I don't know if I should saying anything to grandparents (they are our neighbors), but I don't want to offend them either, how could I gently say something to them with out offending them. I know it's innocent play, I'm sure, but it's not something I am comfortable with. Any suggestions in how to handle this situation.
Thank you for your responses, we are a very affectionate family as well, I did tell my son that hugs and kisses are for family, and it's better to give friends hi-fives and such. And NO I am not worried about his friend being a little boy showing affection toward my son, even if it was a little girl. I believe if it does continue happening and the GP's are outside at the same time, I will make mention of it. Thank your for your advice.
All I have to say is this:
You need to analyze what exactly you are uncomfortable with - the affection or the fact that the other child is a boy ???
As a side note: I completely agree with what Kim L. had to say.
This child may have seen something or had done to him something that should not have. However, my daughters best friend (who happens to be my best friends daughter) was also very affectioniate at the age of 4. She would always hug and kiss (yep right on the lips) goodbye. I think some of it may have been habit - you hug mom, dad, grandma, etc you give them a kiss then off you go.
My daughter and I talked about it and although it didn't bother her, I wasn't comfortable with it. So we talked about how easy it is to spead germs and illness from kissing (even on the hand or cheek). Then she decided she didn't like it much either. She didn't want to get sick or get her friend sick on accident. So the next time the girls were playing together. I told JJ what we talked about... she also thought it wasn't good to get sick or get her friend sick soooo she slipped a few times but it soon stopped. They don't really hug too much anymore either unless they haven't seen each other in a long time.
I would talk with you son and this little boy about that first. See if that changes anything... it maybe habit and just fun (boys wrestle... it never stops my 11 year old still wrestles and rolls around with his friends and my husband wrestles with the kids) If that doesn't change anything then talk to the grandparents even with the same germ-a-phob explaination (they may think you are nuts) but maybe it will help change. If it doesn't and you think something is "off" don't let them play together for a while or ever if you wish.
Hope this helps :)
My son hugged his friend at school & his friend told him that boys don't hug, they give high fives. Now, my son hugs girls & high fives the boys. He is very affectionate with strangers at church & will hug them. I figure he will outgrow it once he sees not everyone is open to it. right now at 4, most people enjoy the hug. :) Perhaps talk to your son & ask him if the other boy's hugs etc. bother him. Let him know that if it does, then HE can tell the other boy that boys don't hug but high five or something similar. My daughter who is not a hugger usually, will hug brother, but tells her friends that she likes to hold hands rather than hug & my daughter will shake hands with adults.
Is the problem that this kid is another boy, or just you'd rather that kids not be too touchy in general? If it's the latter, I'd try to explain you feelings to your son, and teach him who you consider it appropriate to hug, snuggle with, etc (maybe it's only family, maybe caregivers, whatever).
If your issue is that it's another boy be affectionate, my advice, which obviously you can take or leave, is to let it go. My hope is that we are moving into a time where boys can be as outwardly affectionate as girls are without being labeled "sissies" or "mama's boys." We do our boys a real disservice when we insist that they be "manly" at a very young age. I think it's wonderful that this little boy can show your son that he cares about him in a way that seems totally reasonable for a 4 year old.
Of course if it's your son that doesn't like the affection, I think it's always appropriate for a child to be able to say "No thank you. I need some space. Please take your hands off my body." (I even get that sometimes when I go in for too many hugs or tickles!)
I have two boys and I just had to respond to the posters that said that this child is not "normal". First of all, rolling around and wrestling is typical of MANY boys, so I don't understand the outcry over "trying to lay on top of him". Secondly, kissing a friend's hand is not a sexual act for a four-year-old. It is a way that he has learned to show that he cares. Some parents are comfortable with this (in many cultures, men continue to kiss each other throughout their lives), while other parents are not.
I do not challenge parents who aren't comfortable with physical affection and want to take action, but I do challenge anyone who would automatically label it as wrong. It is personal preference and, if you haven't seen anything more dramatic than what is mentioned in this post, please don't judge that this child has been "exposed" to something inappropriate. Americans, by nature, require much more personal space than just about every other culture we've visited. That doesn't mean that those of us who raise affectionate children are wrong.
I'm so sorry if I sound preachy. I'm learning a tough lesson here that my children may not be welcome at some friends' homes. I hope that moms on the other side of the issue can also learn from the discussion.
I think you are overreacting. I'd ignore it.
I wonder why it makes you uncomfortable? He sounds like an affectionate, loving child.
Children are all over the board when it comes to showing how they feel about people. My son is quite standoffish when it comes to strangers, but with his brother...another story. When my 7 year old is watching TV he likes to lay on his belly on the floor. My 4 year old will come over and lay on top of him, like a sandwich. It's wierd to me, but neither one of them minds.
I went over to my girlfriends house a couple of weeks ago and she also has a 4 year old. I haven't seen this boy since he was under 1. He was kissing me, hugging me, very affectionate with my son. It made my son uncomfortable and he said something to the effect of, "cut that out"
Does it bother your son that he has a friend that is affectionate? Does he tell you it makes him uncomfortable? If not, I say the problem is yours, not the little boys.
L.
While you are the parent to act on your sons behalf, he has to know how to handle himself, if that is what he going to choose to do. You may want to teach him to act on his own behalf. You wont be able to run to tell all the parents on the playground this is not appropriate.
My son loves his friends to a great extent. He is just a very loving child. Just talk to your son about personal space.
If you are not comfortable and your gut is telling you that it is not appropriate behavior. go with it! Most people would want to know if their child is acting inappropriatly. Speak to the childs guardians, but do it tactfully. tell them you have a matter that has been bothering you and you would like to discuss it. This is not something that you should worry about their feelings. Of course you shouldnt be mean about it. If you feel like they get offended then well it was your responsibilty to react to the situation! Maybe the child has always been affecionate and the parents or grandparents can speak to him. Maybe not, maybe something deeper! And definetly speak to your own son about was is appropriate play and what's not. Ask yourself, would you want to know if your son was misbehaving or doing something that concerned another parent?
Hi H.
IMO the ONLY thing that is important here is that you are uncomfortable with it. Please don't ever ever let somebody else's feelings, whether it be an adult or a child's, get in the way of doing what you feel is right for your kid. Do not even hesitate to jump in and say, in a nice way, that we don't play like that. You also need to speak with the grandparents. I would just say that you are trying to teach about personal space and you don't want to mix the message up. Don't make a big deal...just be matter-of-fact.
We are our children's voice-please remember this people. We should never let our interest in being "politically correct" interefere with our gut instincts as parents. Or judge another parent who is doing what they feel is best for that matter.
My son is four and hugs everyone... even people we don't know. We are trying to break him of this, but have been told by a behavior specialist that it will be very diffiecult. He is in need of attention and feels unloved if he isn't being paid attention to. Yes, maybe I kissed, hugged & cuddled my little ones to much when they were babies - not sure, didn't think you could, but anyways. Even his teacher is concerned about the amount of affection he needs & has been trying to help us get him to understand that not everyone likes hugs as much as he does. Plus, the hugging strangers thing REALLY scars me.
With his teacher - she just sat me down & let me know that I have a very special little guy. That she loves having him in class, but he is the most affectionate little guy she has ever had. That she is concerned w/ the amount of attention he requires. I did ask her for more details & we spoke for about 30 min about everything. We were already in the process & on the waiting list to see the developmental specialist, but it did give me a little more insite and I added it to the list to talk about when I spoke to him. My son does have other issues we are working with, but some kids just take affection to another level not even knowing they are offending anyone.
Just be kind if you do talk to the other boy or his grandparents... remember they may not even know there is an issue. I just always give my kids hugs & kisses when they ask for them - I didn't think anything of it till my boy started hugging strangers & his teacher talk to me.
I would just address the boys when they are playing and say something like, "Let's save kissing for family," or "O.K. That's enough hugging." You could even address it directly before it even occurs again. Just let him know those are rules for your home. You can be gentle about it without him feeling like he's done anything wrong, just different rules for different houses.
I'm so with you...I'd be a little weirded out too, but I'm one that really likes my personal space.
Next time the kids starts to get a little much just walk over and talk to *both* kids about personal space. "Sometimes people don't like lots of hugs n kisses, they like to have personal space. It's like a little bubble around each of us. Please ask someone if they want a hug, because you're going into their personal bubble, and sometimes people don't like that." I might also mention in casual conversation with the GPs that you are not as huggy and you are teaching your kid about personal space and could they work with you and the kids too?
My kids will sandwich themselves on the floor too and will wrestle and play. But they keep it for each other mostly and won't hug n smooch play friends. GL!
Hi, H.:
Do you know the child's parents or caretakers?
I won't say anything to the children but make a game or something to distract them from this activity.
I believe the child is seeing more than he needs to with his parents and
acting out with your son.
I would talk to your local child development personnel at your local preschool. Good luck. D.
'
If you are not comfortable, then it is your responsibility as a parent to act on your child's behalf. It's not a matter of who's right or who's wrong. It's about your comfort level, which you do not need to question or suppress. Accept your own feelings and without worrying or being defensive, take action. I'd suggest you follow some of the suggestions you have received about teaching your son appropriate words and alway watching them when they play together.
Okay, so I am also one of those people that require a certain amount of personal space...only hug people that I am really, really close to and even then they have to initiate it. I am very lovey dovey with my children however because, 1. I love them and 2. I don't want them to be so standoffish like thier Momma. That being said, I think there are an awful lot of women on here saying that there is something wrong with this little boy. Are you kidding me?! You all need to calm down...just because he is affectionate doesn't mean he has been molested or seen his parents doing things he shouldn't have. He is probably a sweet boy that just doesn't realize that most people have boundries that he is crossing. I think this is the kind of thing that often turns a molehill into a mountain. Ridiculous. That being said, I also think that if you are uncomfortable with it, then you should tell him gently that we don't need to kiss, hug our friends all the time to show them that we like them. I would be uncomfortable with it too....I just think that there are some people that jump to conclusions where they don't need to.
