Pregnant & Nervous

Congrats!

A few thoughts:
*No "magic" happens once a man is married. The man he is today is mist likely the man he'll be when this baby is 10...and 20. So don't expect dramatic changes. Appreciate the man/dad he is.
*TELL him what you need him to do. Men are really sucky mind readers!
*I delivered at 39. Smooth sailing. You'll be fine.
Good luck!

your nervousness is natural, i think. you've got a lot on your plate, and to have this HUGE curveball thrown to you has got to weigh on your mind.
i'd question your common sense if it didn't.
the only red flag i see in your post is that you're getting ready to marry a man who already slacks on responsibilities. too many women think that marriage will somehow cause a slacker to man up. occasionally it's a maturity issue and a fellow WILL improve, but you two aren't just starting out, and his personality is what it is. if you marry him and have his child, it's very likely you're still going to be working full-time and carrying the full load of keeping the house and raising the kids.
you up for that?
and for heaven's sake, don't lie to him. i can understand him being perturbed that you're angsting over all this 'happy' news, but if you are really planning to procreate and share a life with this dude, you had better be prepared to have honest, sometimes tough, discussions with him. starting off in a state of fear and subterfuge is no way to begin.
talk to him, hon. and make good thoughtful decisions that are based on what's best for you and your children. see if he's going to come with you on that.
good luck.
khairete
S.

Here's a thought. Assign chores to others. If you like doing everything then continue doing it.

Otherwise stop taking responsibility on yourself of everything. If you really don't want to be the family live in servant assign jobs to others then walk away from them. Don't remind them, post the chore chart on the wall and if the job doesn't get done it piles up. If someone asks why it's like that you simply point to the chore chart and say "It's not my job".

As long as women accept their family being lazy and not helping the longer they'll be working their hiney off all day and all night. We do deserve better.

I have a friend who has 7 children. When I worked for her as a nanny she hardly ever had to come home from working or taking her nursing students through their clinicals and lift a finger.

She had a rotating chore sheet. Hubby got home at 3:30-3:45 and he got the ball rolling. The kids would be sitting down at the table having snacks when he got there. He's send them off to do their work and he'd start his.

She paid me extra to keep laundry moving all day but there was someone assigned laundry so it could keep moving and everything would be put away every day.

The older kids mentored the younger kids and they were assigned together. Even the toddler was assigned a chore. He sorted the flatware out of the dishwasher into the drawer. He also did other things appropriate for his development and size.

Her home flowed and was 99% tidy all the time. Never perfect by any means but still, you could see the floors and sit in any chair and not sit on goo when you sat in a dining room chair.

It's all in how YOU perceive your self worth and how you want your family to see you. As a servant or a person with worth in the family.

You don't have a false positive. You may have a tubal pregnancy, but you're pregnant.

Your fiance is excited to be having a baby with you. If you decide to have an abortion, I doubt that you'll be getting married in May, or ever to this man. He is ready to be a family with you. You need to trust him and be the mother for this baby that you were for your first.

If you can't get through this without help, go to a counselor. By yourself. Don't put your fiance through your "all over the place". If you do, he may start reconsidering who he is planning on being married to.

You need to consider whether you want to have another child. You say you were thinking about having a baby after the wedding. If you want a child, you should keep this one - at 35, it may take you a long time to get pregnant again. If you are truly concerned about being pregnant at your wedding, move it up.

Why do you do everything around the house? This is going to be an issue whether or not you add a child. You both work full time. He should be doing fully 1/2 of the work necessary to keep a home and raise a child (of course you can decide to outsource some of it - cleaning, gardening, etc to professionals). This doesn't necessarily mean you need to each do 1/2 of everything. But it does mean if you hate dusting and he hates vacuuming that he should dust and you should vacuum. These issues should be negotiated before you get married.

You also need to discuss how you will share the caregiving responsibilities for the potential new baby as well as your 11 year old. These decisions (as well as whether to have children) really should be made before you get married. Who will prepare meals/get up in the middle of the night/make doctor's appointments/miss work when child is sick, etc. You can both decide to change your minds later (life happens), but it is unfair to go into a marriage where you may each have wildly different expectations.

If you think this through and decide you do not want another child, you shouldn't have one. This might be a deal breaker for your fiancé and it might not be. After all, would you expect him to leave you if you couldn't get pregnant - a real possibility for many 35 year olds?

If you decide you want another child, I see no reason to be scared because you are 35. You just have the amniocentesis to be sure there are no detectable genetic defects, eat well, exercise and enjoy the time.

Welcome (back) to the world of raging hormones. What you're feeling is totally normal! It's always hard to imagine adding a baby to the mix, especially when you are undergoing so many changes (new marriage etc.). It's hard to imagine that it won't mess up your relationship with your daughter - but it won't. It will change it, but not necessarily for the worse!

You're not that old. You are 35. You are "seasoned"! I just read that Laura Linney (the actress) gave birth at age 49!!! What you have added in years you have also added in experience, wisdom, and perspective. You will not overreact to a slight fever, you know how to swaddle, you know how to bathe a baby, you know that solid foods and potty training and sleep training come in their own time - all the things you didn't know when your daughter was an infant. You are not more likely to have complications now - you are putting more pressure on yourself perhaps because you are more aware than you were at 24. I was older than 35 when I had my child - you can do this!

The wedding can be scaled back or changed to make it manageable - there are zillions of pregnant brides and their weddings are just as beautiful and meaningful as the non-pregnant brides!

My only concern here is that you seem to feel you have the entire responsibility for housekeeping. I don't know if your fiancé is averse to housework, or if your standards are too rigid for your lifestyle or for anyone else to participate. Even the word "help" means it's all your job to supervise. Why is that? You both work full time and you have a tween daughter. You say your fiancé will be a good dad - doesn't that include bathing and picking up toys and doing grocery shopping and cleaning bathrooms so that his child has a good environment and a hands-on father? Will you not allow him to participate fully as a husband, father-figure to your daughter and ultimately father to the baby? Or is he refusing?

What can you scale back, starting right now, to make things easier? Your daughter can be in charge of her own room (close the door if you don't like how it looks). She can put her own laundry in the washer, sort and put away the clean stuff, and hang up her worn but not dirty clothes for a second wearing. She can put her dishes in the dishwasher. Can you get a couple of baskets for the high-clutter area of the house, and just have everyone take 5 minutes a day to pitch things into a basket labeled for each person? Then whatever is missing needs to be sought out in the appropriate basket! Can you eliminate some jobs? Beds really don't have to be made every day, Sunday can be a cook-for-the-week day where you make 5 meals out of some basic ingredients that cook simultaneously (Rachael Ray and others have whole books devoted to this) and it can be a family bonding experience.

Yes, a baby will take time away from your daughter, but isn't this true of every family who has more than one child? Aren't there offsetting advantages? For example, your daughter will see how much work a baby is and perhaps be less likely to have her own baby as a teen, and ultimately be better equipped in 15-20 years to care for her own child. You can still have time with her by leaving a baby with this great dad you're marrying! She will always be your first child, but she's also growing up and will be heading to high school and beyond before you know it.

If you and your fiancé can do some good negotiating, either together or with a trained counselor, you can probably work out a lot more compromises. You are entitled to your fears and he needs to step up to try to understand them and help you get through this period of adjustment and hormonal upheaval.

Good luck!

Everything that you describe sounds like the kind of fears that run through most people's heads when they are facing a major life change. It has been a long time since you had a tiny baby in the house, and given that you are not married to the father of your daughter, I am guessing that was not an ideal relationship (unless you chose to have her by yourself or he passed away, in which case you were 100% responsible for her). Everyone is afraid of complications to some extent. Your relationship with your daughter will change, but you will also have a great helper there and you are giving her a sibling. I think you are just having the concerns that any rational person would, it does not mean that you don't want the pregnancy, particularly since you had planned to get pregnant in the near future. It's totally OK to be nervous!!! Also, 35 isn't really considered "older" in terms of pregnancy these days, particularly for a second child!
Congratulations, and stop beating yourself up. You will get used to the idea- that's why we are pregnant for 9 months :)

I agree with others that things like chores should have been discussed long ago, as in, before moving in together and becoming engaged. As someone who at one point married a man who never did chores and thought once we got married and I had a child things would change, I can tell you that they probably won't, they didn't for me. Even when I asked. I sure hope it works out the other way for you, at least you have a daughter and she can help out if he won't. Maybe, since he knows you're pregnant, he will help out a bit, but in my case, even then, it did not happen. Live and learn, I guess, I won't make that mistake again.

Considering you wanted children with this man at some point, I don't see why this is such a bad surprise, it's not like you're going to be showing much by the time May rolls around and the same questions and concerns you have now would have come up anyway, when the baby would have come planned further down the line.

I don't understand why you say older and pregnant, my mom had her oldest (my sister and her first child) at 35 and had me at 43. I wouldn't really call 35 older. Past 40 yes, perhaps, but most women tend to have kids between their 20s-mid 30s. I think your hormones are exacerbating your nervousness, plus it is normal when a major life change happens to worry. At this point, considering you're already pregnant, make the best of it, calm down, and breathe. You'll make things work, everyone figures it out, even if it means asking a friend or neighbor for some babysitting.

It sounds like you both wanted a child anyway, so I would look at it positively. I just turned 36 when my D was born. I was considered an 'older mom' and I got appropriate pre-natal care. And my D was perfectly healthy! My H is a great partner and parents alongside me. If you are both working talk to your fiance about sharing in the household chores. I never understand this in relationships.... Why have you accepted doing 'everything around the house'? I work part-time and do a lot around the house. but there is nothing that my H can't do himself-cooking and cleaning included. And he has always done everything for our D on occasion. Bathing, bedtime. For one thing I want him to have that experience. And what if something happened to me or I got sick? As for people in Hollywood getting pregnant in their 40's and older! I have to chuckle. These ladies are using egg-doners. Very unlikely/impossible to get pregnant naturally at 45 (Halle Berry) or 49 like Laura Linney! Good luck and congrats! And look into taking Folic Acid right away!

Hello again L.,

First of all 35 isn't that old, I had my baby boy I told you about in other post at 35 - he was my first. We are considering a 3rd and I am 42.

Second, men only help when told to help. Come up with a chore chart and assign tasks to him. I am assuming you are already living together? Also, an 11 year old can certainly do chores. My 7 year old makes his bed, unloads the dishwasher and puts his clothes away. I am working on him...

Finally, if you are concerned about showing at your wedding than just move up your date. I am sorry to sound callous but men don't usually care much about weddings anyway and I assume you already did this before so simple ceremony in 4-6 weeks ought to do it. Besides by May it is hot in the Orlando area!

Good luck! C.

You planned on marrying a man that you also planned to have children with that you're afraid won't step up when it comes to being a parent? Why did you choose a man like that to marry? Especially when you have an 11 year old daughter? Please think about that before you marry this man in May. That concerns me greatly... much moreso than you being 35 and pregnant before a wedding.

You can get a false positive home pregnancy test but they're not very common. It's more common to get a false negative.