I have a preteen daughter who has befriended a new neighbor, also a preteen. Her family has very lax rules- such as allowing their children to wander around the neighborhood, watch inappropriate movies, and have a lot of computer freedom. The way the parents speak to their children in front of others is often disrespectful and sets the tone for their family dynamic.
We do allow them to play together, here, under our supervision. However, as you would expect, they want to play at her house, too. In addition to the lax rules, this girl also has a slightly older brother, who often has a friend of his own over as well.
My concern is that I do not want my daughter in a home known to have lax supervision and rules when I believe she is at a very impressionable age. Additionally, I don't want my daughter, at this scary-exciting, hormone driven age, to be in this same house with adolescent boys who also have major hormonal surges. I think it's very poor judgement to put her into this situation.
My question is: Do you have any suggestions on how to explain to my daughter why she cannot play at her friend's house without causing her to rebel. Every time we've started on this conversation, she turns it around into us not being accepting of people who are different, not trusting her, etc.
The facts are that we are very accepting of other people and we do trust our daughter. Being accepting of other people does not mean we have to condone their behavior and allow our children to be under their influence just to prove it. Trusting our daughter does not mean we place her in situations beyond her maturity- trusting her, includes trusting the fact that as she matures she will make some bad choices and our job is to help lessen the impact of these bad decisions by not placing her situations she's not ready to handle- so that when she makes mistakes hopefully they'll be ones she can simply learn from rather than have them change the trajectory of her life.
I'd like to handle this in the most constructive manner I can- and I'm usually quite good- however, this one has been more difficult because my daughter's growing up and I'm facing issues I've not had to face before and it will be nice to get some feed back from others who've been there. She's my oldest and I'd like "get it right" with her, for her sake, as well as, ours, but also for all the little eyes that are looking up to her.
i have a sister who, at the age of 12, was sexually assaulted by the older brother and his friend while she was on a sleepover with a girl the same age as my sister. You are absolutely on the right page, and I think that perhaps you might simply tell her that she can have this friend over, but that unless you are supervising, you are not comfortable with her sleeping over at this friend's house.
Good morning, I know it is difficult to let your children go into situations that you deem dangerous. The fact of the matter is that if you tell her no she will probably do it behind your back. Could you allow her to go for a small amount of time, increasing the time as she proves that she makes good choices. The other thing that I have learned as a parent of sons now 24,20 and 17 is that if they decide they want to do something they will find a way to do it, usually behind your back and increasing the risk of making poor choices. If you allow her to go on your terms, increasing the freedom if she makes good choices, decreasing the freedom if she makes poor choices would be a better option than flat out refusing to let her go.
My husbands father and step mother were very strict, his step sister was never allowed to go out in dressed in clothing that was to short, low cut, tight, etc... So she would put what she wanted to wear in her handbag, dress in the parent appropiate clothing to appease her parents then change when she got to a friends house. This is a prime example of finding a way to do what she wanted to regardless of what the parents said. I am also sure that she made some poor choices because she could not talk to her parents about the better choices.
It is hard to let your children grow up but you cannot keep them little forever. If you trust your daughter then show her by allowing her to go for a set amount of time, 1 hour, 2 hours etc... Explain to her that even though you accept her friends and their family dynamic, you want to keep her safe so you will allow her to go as long as the parent(s) are home, that she stays for a set amount of time then returns home and follows the rules that you set forth. By doing it this way you are keeping control by allowing her to go. You may find that if she spends some time there and is uncomfortable with the lax rules she may decide that she would rather not go. Good Luck
You are the mom. When your instinct tells you to beware you hafta listen to it. Tell your daughter you are just not comfortable with her playing at so and so's house but she can hang out at yours when she wants to and that's just the way it is, no if's and's or but's about it. It's fun to wear the MOM hat when you know that 10 years from now dear daughter will sit and have coffee with you and say "thanks Mom, for not letting me go astray." :)
if you trust HER then let her go. you are only down the street. she is growing up and she will be faced with things us mommas wish our little girls would never see. tell her that if she ever needs you to call and you will come get her no questions asked. not letting her go will only cause her to go when you are unaware of her being over there and that can get dangerous. good luck!
My kids are still young so I haven't had to go thru this as a parent but this did remind me of a situation when I was a kid. I had a friend that lived 3 doors down and we played together everyday. My parents told me we could play outside or in my house but I wasn't to go to her house. Their reasoning was they didn't know them well enough to know what goes on behind closed doors... end of story. In middle school and high school we had a group of "BFF's", me and 3 other girls. I was never allowed to go to one of there houses and never understood why. Then once when we went to church camp my mom and this friends mom were supervisors at the camp. A discussion came up about how they don't believe in wearing underwear or pj bottoms while sleeping! Kind of strange... it was then I realized my parents reasoning. I say explain in the best way you can but if she still doesn't get it then just tell her it's how you feel and at her age she has to respect your wishes. As a teen I was very responsible, made good grades, never got in trouble, I would always say to my parents why don't you trust me! Now I understand it's not about trust, it's about knowing your child is too young to be put in certain situations bc they aren't mature enough to make the right decisions. Peer pressure is hard at this age! Good luck!
I think she's right -- you DO need to trust her. Don't fix it till it's broke.
Try it, and if you observe them affecting her negatively, THEN you'll have good reason for not letting her play at their house. It's up to you to teach your daughter to resist negative influences, not shelter her from them. You won't be able to keep her from the world forever.
I've raised all of my kids with this philosophy of trust, (and trust in my ability to teach them my values), and it's worked quite well.
I only have toddler and I honestly have no advice. This is a very thoughtful post and shows a lot of respect for your daughter, and devotion to her. I just wanted to say, you're doing such a wonderful job!! I know that doesn't help much, but all moms need encouragement!! Way to go!
My kids already know what is expected of them and what types of homes/places we are okay to be in. This wouldn't even be an issue with us, because they already know we wouldn't approve. They know what types of movies and language is appropriate and have decided not to go to places that do not meet our standards.
There is a scripture that says, "stand in holy places." Is it a place where you feel comfortable. where you feel safe? are there behaviors/movies/subjects being talked about that would not be allowed in our home, or that compromise your standards? If so, then we don't go there, that applies to us parents as well.
She is a preteen... that is very very young for parents to say, "trust her and let her go." You can still trust her, that's not the question, but by letting her go, she will be in an environment that could be damaging to who she is developing to become. As for me, at that age, I would have been uncomfortable there.
I would look for some sort of compromise. not sure what that is, Can she play there afterschool but no sleep overs. I know bad things can happen anytime of day, but it sounds like she is really fighting you on this and it would be nice to offer her something.
Do you see this friendship lasting? Keep that in mind that some friendships burn out.
I guess ask her what she thinks of the other girl wandering the neighborhood, and what she would do if the brother and his buddies smoked pot or something like that. Try to get her to see what the problems might be.
Gosh i am so with you on this issue, but i have no idea. some times it just has to be a flat out No.
I'm right there with you on this one!
Perhaps you can turn the conversation away from the idea that you don't trust her (because you have stated that you do trust her) and put it out there that it's THEM you don't trust. You don't trust the adolescent boys and you don't trust her friend's parents. Not having trust is not the same as accepting someone who is different.
When I was in 6th grade I had a friend that I thought was just so cool. I went to her mom's house to spend the night and while I didn't think anything was wrong, when I told my parents how the night went they wouldn't allow me to go over there again. We watched a rated R movie that they did not approve of and my friend liked to swear and so did her mom so I started doing it. At the time I thought they were being so unfair! But as a grown-up I can look back and see why they did it--and I would do the same if it were my child!
Your daughter isn't going to like your rule, but I don't see it as unfair. You've not told the girls they can't be friends, you've just said they have to hang at your house. Your daughter will understand one day. Unfortunately I see that being a parent means you're like a fine wine. They won't understand how good you are until years later!
I have 2 teenage girls and I've been there and they have done that. They have had friends whose households were just TERRIBLE households and in TERRIBLE neighborhoods. Or I may have just simply didnt want them to go over there. Sure they were very angry at me, but there wasnt anything they could do about it because I am the parent and they are the kids. If you feel really strongly about whatever the situations you all are going to come across in the future, then whatever you say goes. And make sure she understands that. That she understands that its not that you dont trust her or whatever other reason she may give in the future as to why you wont let her do what she want. That its because you said no. YOU ARE THE PARENT. I do take my kids feelings into consideration and we do have a very open relationship but some things they know not to ask me because they know that my answer will be "no". She will be a teenager soon and when kids age hit the "double digits" they bring on a set of new and different problems so get ready. And make sure she know who's running the show.
You sound like you are a devoted mom, motivated by your love for your kids. I still have little ones, but I have a similar drive to protect them from things like this as well, so you are not wrong in your concerns.
I would explain to her exactly what you said in the 2nd to last paragraph. She is getting older, but you are still her mother, under your roof and bottom-line is, it is your rules for her benefit. Stick to your guns and no she won't like it, but we aren't supposed to be their friends...but their parents.
I agree with you and I am sorry I don't have an advice, I am not there yet but I am in my way (I have a 13 year old girl).
I think what you just wrote here makes complete sense but I am guessing you have already tell her all this.
My mom told me that when I talk to my daughter to make sure I listen to her and to make sure she knows I am listening, sometimes is more easy that they agree with us when they know that we listen to them and took their opinion in consideration even if at the end as a parent is our obligation to have the last word. She told me that the most important thing is to make them know we care and we will listen and that our decisions are not made because we think their opinion doesn't matter.
Some times this have work with my daughter, however others I just have to tell her that I am sorry she doesn't understand my why's and that I would still think about it (if it something I think is questionable) but for that moment she will just have to try to believe that I am doing this thinking on her benefit and that there is no body in these world that has her happiness and her well being in their top list more then me.
I think the parents be actively supervising any time at her house, I would speak to them personally before allowing your daughter to hang out there. Its' not about *not accepting* them, it's a safety issue of the group dynmanic of an unsupervised group of tweens/teens either at your house or theirs. That rule will stand in our family regardless of who the friends are.
Going through this right now! My 10 year old daughter has a boy friend ( not a boyfriend) from a rough family. I just told her last night that he is allowed to come to our house because I believe he is a nice boy and good friend to her, but she is not allowed at his home. It isn't a matter of trusting her. It really comes down to the fact that their young brains are not mature to process right from wrong when under pressure...they are too easily influenced because that is how their brains work at this age. As parents we need to guide them...not trust that they will make the right decisions. They will eventually make good decisions if they have the foundation and guidance early on.
I agree with you 100% and as far as how to handle your daughter, I think you said it right in your 2nd to last paragraph about being accepting of other people and not condoning behavior. I would almost quote that to her. The fact is that there are WAY too many children being molested these days and WAY too many children learning things about sex that they shouldn't at too early of an age. You may not always be able to protect or prevent but when you can, you must. I would allow her to play over there during daylight hours and past that she must come home. She can not sleep over there but if you feel it is ok, her friend can sleep over your house. If the child asks or the parents, you tell them that you are sorry to be such an overprotective parent but you and your husband agree that she is too young and impressionable to be doing certain things at her age. leave it at that, they are not 'your' friends so you don't have to worry what they think. I would advise your daughter not to tell too much of the truth either to save teasing. She just says her parents are a bit strict. My parents were strict and I thank goodness now when I hear 1 out of 4 girls are molested and 1 out of 6. and that is only the ones statistics know about! Stand your ground.
ever heard the term, never let the rooster guard the hen house ??
well, lets put things in easy terms, the other girls brother may not be the rooster that you have to worry about, but his friend might be. maternity clothes are expensive, and unless you want your daughter becoming this guys "friend", dont let your daughter go over to this kids house by herself, go with her. nothing says "keep your dic@ away from my daughter" more clearly then the girls mother dropping everything and going over to this girls house to supervise the roosters.they dont like it, too bad. you are her mother, they can just find easier pickings somewhere else.when my sister was a teen , and preteen, i would be right there, supervising, every time she went out with a boy, because i knew what teenage boys were thinking, i wasnt stupid .
K. h.
yes you can trust her but you can't trust the boy. i would just tell her the truth of the mater. she doesn't have to like it. i would rather my child be mad at me then (raped) by a teen age boy that thinks of it as just playing around. this may be something that wouldn't happen anyway but at your house you know it won't happen . good luck. have a REAL talk with her. mom of 7, R.
this is not intended to sound mean so please dont take it that way.you are suffocating her and over protecting her.reason why i say this is at preteen i allowed my son to sort of run the neighborhood. i knew where he was and who he was with. I dont decide what they can and cant watch unless they are young enough for nightmares. I allow computer time unsupervised but to a point it was supervised. i would walk up behing him and see what he was doing every so often. now on the boys and girls rule THEY STAY SEPERATE AND ARE NOT ALLOWED IN EACH OTHERS ROOMS ALONE i guarantee i know how hormones work and realize teenage is when they run rampid. I had a few girls come over and spend the weekend when a bunch of kids from school came home with my son. I made sure they stayed seperate.if i had to stay up al night to do it they didnt get time alone with no adult supervision and they were 18 and over but were not going to make babies because of my lack of supervision. you are judging the book by the cover. lighten up
