Opposite Sex Sleepovers as Teens

You are not old and out of touch -- you are more concerned about being a responsible parent, than being cool! GOOD FOR YOU!!!

You are right on! I think you are doing the right thing, who cares if everybody else is doing it??? (Which I hope isn't true!) Who cares if she thinks you are clueless. I think you are doing the right thing, even though it isn't the easiest way.

I completely agree with you. I would be upset about the sleepover, and would be even more upset about the lying. As for "everybody is doing it," I teach seniors, and hear a lot about what goes on. I know some of them sleep over without their parents knowledge, but very few have parents who would allow it. You are not old and out of touch. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this situation, but I think you are 100% correct, not clueless.

That's the oldest line in the book, of course, and next time you talk to the parents, I say tell them she's pregnant and ask them what they're going to do to help out since it happend in their house. After they wake up from being passed out, or maybe the next day, call up and tell them it was a false alarm!

Ok - maybe that's too harsh, but it sounds like a great way to teach those clueless parents a lesson :)

Dear R.,

Uh, NO you are not out of touch. I would completely flip out if my daughter did this. I agree with you and your husband's decision to talk to this boy's parents. That shows them and the boy and your daughter where your moral are. Obviously, his parents don't hold the same standards as you and your family.
My 13 year old likes to tell me that "everyone else" is doing it...whether its not tucking in their shirts, sagging their pants, or even sharing shoes with their friends....My answer is always the same "I don't care what other kids or other parents allow their kids to do- You are my responsiblity, I AM in charge, and you will do what I say." Granted, my situations aren't quite as serious as yours, but still. You can bet that if this arises in my family, I will react the same way you will.
I would punish her for lying to you, and for the offense. She doesn't realize the consequences of her actions right now...she's bulletproof at 17. I know I thought I was.
Hang in there...you are doing the right thing. I will be praying for you and again, I support you 100%.
Blessings to you and your family.
D.

My mom was trying to be my friend when I was in HS and let me stay at my boyfriend's house who lived 30 minutes away. She didn't say anything about it, just let it happen. I lost my virginity early and was out all hours of the night. She had no idea where I was.

For the most part, I was a good kid but I should have been reigned in. I'm lucky I was not the type to experiment. I have never done drugs, but because my mother allowed this, I determined she didn't have time to be a mother and really didn't care.

Stand your ground! She knew it was wrong or she would have asked you. I think I would examine the morals of the parents of the BF. I'm not sure I would treat the boy the same knowing this was encouraged.

GL!

I'm not shocked that she lied. She's 17, trying to be grown up, experimenting with making her own choices, Ofcourse she lied! She's a teenager. Par for the course, yeah?

If you don't approve of the sleepovers, whether you're "old & out of it" or not, it's your house & your rules. No sleepovers until she's out & paying her own bills. If she wants to do grown up things, she's got to be grown up all the way.

My mother allowed my to spend the night with my boyfriend when I was a senior in highschool. We weren't playing Scrabble all night, if you know what I mean. That said, I continued to do well in school, didn't get pregnant or get into any trouble. However, I decided not to go away to college because I didn't want to leave him. Naturally, he dumped me. I will do my best to make sure my daughters don't follow the same path & wuld urge you to ensure the same with yours.

NO FREAKING WAY! It is not acceptable, it is INSANE. If she hasn't already, I strongly recommend a visit to the OBGYN for a pap smear, an STD panel, and a pregnancy test - and then some form of birth control. I work with teen parents; it is not something I'd wish on a child I love - and because of my job, my 12 and 14 year old know as much about preventing pregnancy and diseases as anyone in their early 20's. It's a scary world out there.

S.

Are you joking? I said "everyone else is doing it; you're old" to my parents, and they said it to theirs, too...I'm sure my son will say it to us at some point, about something. I remember us arguing about something terribly important (what it was, I can't remember) but what I DO remember was dad telling mom, "Don't sweat it Jan--I'm not Bon Jovi, you're not Madonna, so no matter what we do she's going to be embarassed or mad about SOMETHING we do". That kinda made me mad, but was kinda funny too.
If I were in your position, I would be livid, not just that she was doing what "everyone else is doing" but that she lied. If she thought there was nothing wrong with it, she wouldn't have lied about what she was doing, FOUR TIMES.

Absolutely not. Dont you remember being 17 everything was about sex. It was not that long ago I was your daughter lying to my parents about staying at my boyfriends house I can promise you nothing good comes from it. I would do whatever is neccisary to stop this behavior now before she ends up pregnant or with some sort of STD. They can cay it all they want but teens that are sexualy active are most likely not just active with one person.

No you are not clueless and out of touch. You are just trying to teach your daughter morals and values. , and not to get the cart before the horse. Temtation is sometimes hard to resist, is the reason your daughter should be told is one good reason there aren't girl / boy sleepovers.

Nope, you are doing the right thing - don't let her make you feel guilty for doing what's right and moral. Since I met my husband at 16, I probably would have felt the same way as your daughter but that is because I would have been young and dumb and clueless about things like that. My daughter is about to turn 11 and I would never ever ever let her do this. When your daughter is old enough to move out and pay her own bills, then she can run her personal life as she sees fit but until then, house rules trump hers. And I would have a very serious talk with daughter and boyfriend together - make sure he knows you've got your eyes on him and he will not be allowed to disrespect your daughter that way - period.

First of all it doesn't matter if you are old and out of it, you and your husband are the parents... Kids in their teen years are self absorbed, and until they have kids they will not understand. It's our job to teach them right from wrong when they are young so they can apply it as they get bigger. I don't think it's appropriate at all, when she turns 18 and out of your house she can live by her own rules... I would keep her on lock-down... at least you won't be a grandma too soon...

You are not old and out of touch - indeed you are very much in touch with your job and responsibility as a parent. The biggest problem is actually the lie and one of the most common things other parents have warned me about (my oldest is 16) is that you should always call other parents to confirm plans that your kids say they have. You can do this in a non-confrontational manner - e.g., just wanting to make sure that YOU had the details and plans correct. Also, it is so very important to talk to other parents as I can guarantee you that they everyone else's parents Do not all allow this. I learned this very early on with regards to whether my sons could watch PG-13 movies at age 10, play T games at age 11 or 12, etc. Don't believe a word of it until you've talked to other parents. Some kids are just reluctant to say they have a "mean" mother. I tell my kids it's my job to be mean and if I'm not regularly "mean" then I'm not doing my job as a parent. Just as when they were toddlers, it's still our job to define appropriate boundaries and while they're under our roofs - we define the rules and boundaries.

I do think it's possible it was entirely platonic but reality is that male hormones are what they are (even with the best of parenting) and it seems to me this boy's parents have already abdicated their responsibilities. I do think an exception might be a camping trip where everyone is sleeping in the same area. My son has invited a female friend to go with us to a family Y camp in New Mexico this summer. My boys will be sleeping in a cabin and the female friend will sleep with me in the tent even though the cabins will have other families in them, etc. We will stay in a hotel on the way out and on the way back and she will also be in a room separate from my boys.

I have a very, very good friend that has a son that is now 18 and he too allowed these casual sleepovers when his son was younger. Now, at 18, the son is totally self absorbed, has no respect for his parents and does what he wants when he wants. So, my friend regrets giving his son so much freedom early on. He said he wants to send him to my house for a while to straighten him out ;)

Absolutely NOT acceptable. And it was made a million times worse by lying to you about it! I can't believe her boyfriend's parents are actually encouraging this behavior. Even if they thought it was OK, the least they should have done was to contact you. Maybe I am out of touch, but when I was a teen, I didn't even sleep at a girl friend's home without the parents talking first! Parents HAVE to know where their kids are these days, especially if they are staying out all night. She is 17, so I assume just one more year till she heads off to college. Let her make her own decisions then. For now, your house, your rules! Best of luck to you.

No way, no how! Those parents are contributing to the delinquency of a minor! YOU are not out of touch, THEY are! Hold your ground mama, sleepovers are for adults and in my world, I wasn't an adult until I moved out on my own!

Apparently I am clueless too. I have not made it to this stage with my daughters yet, but I need to know the answer as well. I personally don’t think that it is okay. Your daughter must have thought it was wrong if she had to lie about it.

Oh my goodness. I am in shock. You are not out of line or out of touch to be upset by this. I would have serious concern over this boy and his upbringing if he is in an environment where his PARENTS think this is acceptable. That speaks volumes about the environment and values he has been brought up in. I would not want my daughter even in a relationship with this person. I know we can't choose who are children date (I'm not quite there yet with my 13, 11 and 9 year old), but your situation is such a worry. I just want to support you and tell you not to back down about your expectations, hopes, dreams, values, morals etc that you have for your daughter. I wish you the best in handling this situation with grace and courage. Parenting is tough, be strong!

no way, you are not old and out of touch. That is just totally inappropriate, especially because they are boyfriend and girlfriend. It is putting children in a situation that is way to easy for them to make the wrong decision. If they are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend then they need to go out on dates, and come home by curfew. Too many parents are allowing our children to behave as adults when they are way to immature to handle it. Even though they may say nothing is going on, they sleep in seperate rooms or whatever, you can't tell me that there isn't something happening once the parents go to sleep. whether it is just making out, heavy petting or worse, it doesn't need to be happening and the temptation just doesn't need to be there. I am appauled that those parents think it is ok. I might even have to think twice on the type of dating my daughter would be allowed to do with this boy if his parents are that indifferent to the whole thing. Group dates or dates at my house under my supervision for a while until the trust is regained. I realize that some people my think I am old and out of touch as well, but I am a firm believer that 17 is not an adult and should not be treated as such. If I had been left to my own devices at 17 and allowed to do some of the things todays teens are allowed to do, there is no telling where I would be now. I would also be very firm with his parents and her other friends parents about what you allow her to do and what you think is appropriate and make sure they are willing to enforce these things when she is in their care or she will not be allowed to stay with them either. I also believe you are intirely in the right about punishing her, if for nothing else, then at least for lying to you as to where she was staying. If she was lying to you about it then she knows she was wrong, if she truly believed there was nothing wrong with it she wouldn't lie about it, ( I use to hate it when my parents would tell me that, now I realize they were right).

hello,

Your rules are your rules. It does not matter who is doing what. It is only important what you are doing. Tell your child that as long as she is your child, she will behave like a decent young woman. These days when most parents have abdicated their roles, it is nice to see some that stand firm like you.
Keep parenting.

R.,
No, you are not "out of touch" unless you are okay with kids having no boundries. There is no way in hell I would allow my daughter in a sleepover with a boy. Get a spine and tell her who is the parent.

Unfortunately I think it is becoming more acceptable. It Should NOT be Acceptable, but we are now living in a nation where ANYTHING is acceptable. I think parents have a mentality that if it's done under our roof, there won't be as many problems. Just like with drinking. All it does is promote kids and teens to be promiscuous and diregard rules or morals that are in place to keep them safe, innocent, and healthy. If you feel like this is an absolute no for you and your family I would stand my ground. I think it is disrespectful for the boys parents to not at least confirm with you that this was okay. Even if your daughter told them you said it was, they should have been responsible enough to call you and make sure!!! I doubt this is the kind of future you would want your daughter to marry into. I will say this, when I was 18 or 19 I spent the night at my husband's house with my parents permission, them being naive and thinking nothing would happen, but stuff did happen. The idea of girlfriends and boyfriends being able to sleep in the same bed together with nothing happening is not an option of thinking anymore. Stand your ground. Even if your daughter hates you, TRUST me, She WILL thank you for it one day. How many girlfriends has this boy had? How many boyfriends will your daughter have before she is married? You don't want her regretting choices she made when she was younger. It's a big deal!!

You are right, it is absolutely not acceptable! I wouldn't let her spend the night anywhere for a long time...and put measures in place, so you can monitor her in case she is sneaking out at night...without her knowing. I would calmly let her know that it's your home, and until she is out on her own this is the rule.

NO WAY are you out of touch! That is her trying to guilt you into allowing this to happen. I would NEVER EVER allow my 17 yr old (I have a 17 yr old daughter, also) to have a "sleep over" with her boyfriend. Heck, I don't even allow them in her room with the door shut. Teenagers are way to bold these days and as we all know it only takes one time for an "accident" to happen. My daughter understands this because she knows that this is exactly how she came to be. As for the parents who allowed this nonsense, they are just asking for trouble. I would make sure she understands that she is NOT under any circumstances allowed back at their house and if she is caught again there will be MAJOR consequences! I gurantee if you were able to do a "poll" on here of parents who allow that to happen you would see that none or VERY few do. The next thing I would tackle is the parents of the friend who she used as a cover. They might not be aware that it even happened but they need to be. If they are aware then that's something you need to know, also. Make sure this is not something they condone like the boyfriend's parents do. I would tell your daughter that if she wants to visit with him it will be on your terms and on your turf. Otherwise, it's not happening. I think you are doing exactly the right thing by grounding her and discussing it with her. I would not expect her to see eye to eye with you, after all she is a teenager. Good luck!!

No, you are not clueless. Opposite sex sleepovers are not a good idea for teenagers at all. It doesn't matter if there's parental supervision, because sex can still happen. Believe me, I've been the teenager! You need to have a major discussion with your daughter about sex, birth control, and how lying to her parents will cost her big time. If she says that you are out of touch...say she is too, because now you cannot trust her, and she is now "out of touch" with all friends until her trust can be believed. Take care!

Wow! This is serious. I advise taking her right away to a gyn and get her on some kind of birth control unless you want another grandchild. Also, you or maybe she does not know his sexual history so she needs to know the importance of protection against STD's.

I would let her know she is in trouble for lying but you also need to have serious talks with her about sex.

I don't think the issue is whether you are out of touch, but is your daughter out of line with the expectations that you have set for her and hopefully instilled in her. If this behavior is out of line for your teaching, then it doesn't matter if "everybody else's parents" allow it or not, you are still the parents. Now that is said, with her being 17, you cannot do alot about the choices she makes now/ I think you should let her know you are disappointed and do not approve of both the incident and the lie, but other than letting her know and moving on, the only thing left is to compel her with love to listen by being a great mom who cares deeply. And Pray. It changes things!

No, NO, No to the sleepover!! I was ALWAYS a very good straight A student and very respectful of my parents UNTIL my first serious boyfriend came along at the age of 17!! We also started having the "secret" sleepovers and I became pregnant with my first child and delivered her the month after turning 18! I am not in any way saying your daughter IS sleeping with him but don't underestimate her for one second. If she's already lying about sleeping at his house, you can almost bet she's lying to cover up for that reason or will be pressured very quickly by him if he's not pressuring her already. I am actually still with my teen romance and we have had 3 beautiful children together but it has been a rough 8 yrs together. I wish we had taken things MUCH slower. Keep a VERY GOOD eye on her and at this point you probably can't trust much of what she says so if you don't want her pregnant at 17, get her on some birth control and fast! I hope everything works out for you and your family.
Take care!

you are doing the right thing- oppiosite sex sleepovers are not appropriate for teens or older children. It is your house, you are the parent and you get to make the rules. When she becomes a parent-hopefully when she is grown and married- she will get to make her own rules.
Along with the regular hormones that come with being a teenager- kids also get the "my parents don't know anything" hormone and that doesn't go away until they have grown up and usally have kids of their own. My parents have gotten a lot smarter since I have had kids!:)
Be firm. She might not like you for it now, but she will thank you for it later when she is able to graduate high school and college without a baby to take care of.
God Bless!
~C.

HECK NO!!!!!!! You are not out of touch and should not be swayed by the generic justification of "every body else's parents are doing it." There has to be some reason that HE never came over THERE! She is trying to play you and if he can't respect you and your husband's wishes and values, then he won't respect her and may unduly push her into things she isn't ready for with the same justification. Like the sleeping over. It is a parent's job to guide and teach their children (which she is) not befriend them and let them do as they please. Boundaries exist for a reason and should be adhered to.

In the end, she may be setting herself up in the long run to look for validation from guys instead of seeing her own worth, treasuring it and not accepting anyone else who won't.

First this is not acceptable and you are right in trying to "lock her down" but once they get into this pattern it is almost impossible to break. If the boy and her are close they will always find a way to be together. It take all the parents to work together. It always amazes me how some parents seem not to care.
If you can't meet with them and get through to them then its a hard case. In her mind she is an adult and she thinks she is being reponsible but the other half of the equation is him and there you have no control.
I am already getting this from my 16 Year old grandson and it is the oppisit it with me the girls parents don't care and let them spend time at her house. My daughter tries to keep him in football and tries to lock him down but she has the car and is always coming over when my daughter is at work.
She has considered moving, but she knows they would still find a way to be together. Teenagers are very frustrating to say the least.

Your daughter is the one who's out of touch. I have two teenagers, and I know hundreds of teens and their parents through various ways. NOT A SINGLE ONE has ever mentioned having a girl-boy sleepover, unless it was behind the parents backs on the sly.

You can't trust that boy, nor his parents. They have very poor judgment, and because they never consulted you to verify that she had permission to sleep over in this very unusual arrangement, they have proven that they have no respect for your daughter, either.

Oh my gosh! No, you are completely correct in being as upset as you are! I would definately have conversations with this boy's parents and tell them that you do not allow it. They need to respect your wishes. You also need to get that lying under control. Best of luck to you! I am dreading the teenage years with my 3 month old girl for just this reason!

Absolutely NOT! My daughter, first of all, would not be allowed to spend the night anywhere. Can't trust kids at all. This is the problems with phones. Parents can't tell where they are because we call their phones. My parents would call the friends house.
I'm surprised that you didn't flip out. I think I'm flipping out for you.
And the fact that she didn't tell you the other three times....

R.,

Stick to your guns in what you beleive in. She will thank-you for it later on down the road. I'm sure everyone else's parents do not allow it. A lax parent is how we end up with pregnacies before marriage. We had boys spend the night at my house in my daughter's high school years but I knew these boys for years and ended up being up most of the night with them. Never did I allow her to spend the night at their house. These boys were not the boyfriend, just friends and still come around to this day, and she is 24 now. You can't protect them every minute but you can sure try. Good luck!

D. K.

Hi R.
i can't say that i know what you're going through BUT i'm actually responding to your last statement...."am i really that out of touch"......even if you were.......in which i dont think you are....if its not okay with YOU then its not okay for her at all!!! Teens spending the night is just another teen pregnancy waiting to happen!!!! How you raise your child is YOUR call no matter what other parents are doing....or what the world is doing! i can't tell you how many times i've thought about this b/c i have a younger brother who is 22 who now has a baby of his b/c my mother allowed his g/f to sleep over all the time. I have my own "issues" with this situation even though i can't change what happened. I wish you the best of luck, but remember that what you feel is acceptable is all that matters...you are responsible for her and what happens to her!!!
S.

Both of our girls tried that "everybody else's parents think it is okay" with us too. They were in a select show choir at our high school and some of the parents allowed those sleepovers. Our girls usually had a midnight curfew in high school except for very rare and special occasions. We allowed them to come home at 2:00 a.m. on those sleepover nights, but they did come home.

We talked to the parents who hosted these events and asked them why in the world they would put our girls in a situation like that, but they were the kind of parents that wanted to be cool and their kids friends instead of parents. My parents always told us that it was hard to be a parent and often not fun. You had to be better than you wanted your kids to be and set the example for them. It is also one of those things where doing one thing makes it easier to do the next questionable thing!

Our goal has been to have our kids leave home with a set of values instead of a set of rules!!! So far it has worked GREAT!!! Our oldest has graduated in 3 1/2 years from A&M and our middle one is on the same track to do so. They made good choices when on their own at college because of the tradition of good choices in their lives. We have tried to explain the rules so they will understand the reasoning behind them instead of just feeling like we were making up random rules. If they are armed with that info., they feel better about standing up to their friends and doing the right thing.
I actually heard them tell their little brother (who is a sophomore in High School) "nothing good really every happens after midnight!" which is what we always said to them. Ha! With much prayer and conviction to help them be the best they could be...They turned out to be great kids....and although we never heard of anything terrible happening at those sleepovers....the kids that went and their parents sure have experienced things I would never want my kids to.

If you feel as strongly about that as we did, I want to encourage you to stick to your convictions and pray hard for them every day. Their will be times they will not like your decisions, but It will be so worth it!!!

My husband & I have discussed this - boyfriend-girlfriend sleepovers were allowed at his house as a kid - I wouldn't even dared to ASK my parents about something like that! We will be having NONE of this & there are PLENTY of other parents out there who have enough sanity left to say no as well! To me, it's just inviting misbehavior for teens...it's putting them in a position that makes it too easy for them to make the wrong decisions. Don't do anything or be okay with anything that makes you uncomfortable just because other parents are doing it (or your teen says that they are)...stick to your guns & I think you will sleep much better at night! Good luck!

I have 3 boys - 25, 20 and 8. This apparently is OK with some parents and of course the kids are very keen to it.... You will not be able to stop it when they leave and are in college of course. I NEVER allowed this, I even would call the other parents to find out the plans if I were worried and have driven by many a place to see if my children were where they said they were to be and they were not upset with this thru their high school years, they were to do what was expected of them. I think it is very serious with the sneaking around and lying. ? Now we have had kids since in college girls comming home for weekend and such and they have their OWN room which is fine. I did have one neighbor boy I caught and several spent the night and he and his little girlfriend were asleeep in the same bunk with their clothes on and I woke them BOTH up and explained that this does not happen in my house. He apoligized (this is OK at his home- and he had very nice parents) and she left before breakfast not wanting to see me I don't guess. Stick to your guns and the rules of your home. She will appreciate your guidance in her future. My sons have high opinions as young men of "good girls" and "not" when they speak of females. Habits started now can last a lifetime. She will understand oeday you do this out of your love for her. Good luck.

It's totally UNACCEPTABLE! Stick to your guns!!!!

NO you are not out of touch. Don't let her back you down. At 18 she can make her own choices, but there are consequences. If she wants to stay over after she turns 18, it is time for her to find another place to live. Hang in there!

You are not out of touch. I would probably beat the boy senseless, well maybe not but I would want to. I also would press charges against the boy if my daughter was under 17.

You are NOT out of touch! I can't believe the other parents involved are so out of touch, with morality. High standards never go out of style and it is deplorable that parents care so little for their precious sons and daughters. Very sad story. Hope your head up high and stick to your guns R., you will never be sorry. You've got my support!

I have 3 boys 12,15,17. No girl boy sleep overs or even going to parties at someone elses home. Who cares if it's cool or the in thing. I know what could happen and that is not worth my child being mad at me.

If most parents are allowing this I don't see it. I do see some having both sex parties, but that's still a no.

There is a reason why the mornal decline in our country .....the thinking of "Whatever feels right" just does not work.

Stay Stonger and and make sure you explain why not just say no. Een if she saids, nothing will happen. Many times we don't expect it to but when put in that type of sisusation things can happen. Better never to put yourself there.

L. B.
www.GetOrganized.ws

R.,
Your teenager is the one who is out of touch. She is immature in this area and NEEDS you to have a lifelong perspective for her. I HIGHLY recommend the video, Sex has a Pricetag. I think it's about $20 and it should be seen by EVERY teenager. It give the facts in a comfortable yet straightforward way.

Be STRONG---she'll thank you later.

ok, you have had TONS of responces, and I was not about to read all 107 of them, but I do know that I am about to repeat most of what you have already heard just to set your mind at ease.

STICK TO YOUR GUNS! If she lied to you, then she knew what she was doing was wrong. If you have to lie about it, then you shouldnt be doing it!

I am not a mother of a teenager, however, it has not been "that long" since I was one. I can remember sleeping over at a boy's house with my parents permission,and his parents were there as well, but it was becuase I would be acompanying the family on a trip or a function the next day, and I ALWAYS slept on the couch alone! Or I have had boy friends that would accompany my family on a camping trip or somthing of the sort, and again, we NEVER slept in the same bed, or even the same room! It was just not acceptable. Also, I had to earn that trust from my parents, if I had ever lied to them, I would have lost all privilages and would have to earn it all back over time.

In addition to that, my husband and I have been dating since I was in high school. Yes we did move in with each other after a year or so in college, but even still, when we came home for visits, we were NOT allowed to sleep in the same rooms when at my parents houses. My mother and father knew that we lived together out side of their home, and though they did not really like it, they knew that I was an adult and could make my own decissions, but that did not change their rules when I was under their roof.

Set your rules, set your limits, and give her the choice to either follow those rules, or accept the conciquinces. She will thank you in the end, and you will be teaching her lessons that she will rely on when she becomes an aduld.

Good luck! I know this had to be a stressfull time for you!

(And just remember, at 17, we all thought we knew more than our parents, thought they were old and out of touch with reality, and thought we were smarter than our parents! She will grow out of it, but only with the guidlines and rules that you set for her!)

While I do see your point in thinking it's bad, I think that you need to trust your daughter. Trust that you raised her to make the right decission. If she gives you a reason NOT to trust her, tell her. Explain to her why you won't let her do something. Let her explain to you why she thinks it's okay. See her side too.

I don't care what the other parents are doing, it absolutely will not happen at my house or with my kids!!!! I think it is completely unacceptable! What in the world were those parents thinking when they did not get your permission first?!!!! Any responsible parent would have (at the very least) gotten permission from you first!!

No, there is nothing wrong with you at all. You are thinking like a parent who cares!!

Well, she still does live under your roof and you set the rules. My mom used to connect with the parents of kids that I was proposing to sleepover with when I was under 18. She never told me; however, I found out years later that is how she monitored my behavior when she was not around. If you do that, then you would know beforehand if she is telling the truth. Also, I am sure that you are not the only parent with this belief. In my opinion she is too young to engage in this type of behavior. Also, I am a bit disappointed in her boyfriend's parents. I can't believe that they would not check with you first. Every parent's level of exceptability is different, I guess. Unfortunately, you will have limited control; however, at least you can set the level of exceptable behavior until she lives under her own roof. Additionally, if you are in constant contact with her friend's parents; then you will be more aware of her behavior. If she gets pregnant, it will be you that has to deal with the brunt of the responsibility (not her boyfriend's parents!). Ugh, teenagers!! Good luck.

This was probably asked...I dunno...###-###-#### times...but where did they sleep. What did they do to warrant sleeping over...?

My 16 yr old has slept over at her boyfriends house twice...she slept in the guest room. The parents were home the whole time...and it was to go to church with them the next day.

She does not live in my house as of right now. But her Dad did in fact know where she was staying. I personally cannot fathom why they could not drag their lazy arses out of bed to take her to their house IN THE MORNING...but hey...that's a whole other topic...

I digress...I don't think it's appropriate. And the fact that she lied to you shows that she KNEW it wasn't appropriate...

I would be LIVID if I knew the other parents were not telling me that she was staying over. And yes...I would ground her for life if I'd known about the lie.

I don't think you're outta touch...I don't think anyone else has the right to tell you how to parent YOUR CHILD.

I also don't think it appropriate to simply allow kids to do what they want because they are "going to do it anyway".

I am ok with being "old fashioned". If it keeps my kids from getting pregnant, doing drugs or drinking and getting in trouble...yeah...i'm not here to be their friend.

And I would make sure every single parent knew that they allowed that kind of thing (the sleep overs)in their house.

It's ridiculous.

Good luck to you.

If she really thought she was doing nothing wrong, she wouldn't have lied to you about what she was doing.

It depends..how do you feel about raising your grandchildren?

Thank goodness my child is only 2... I just about had a heart attack when I read that... I can't imagine that is normally acceptable to any parent of a female at least! Wow. Well, I guess you now have a great opportunity to discuss some intimate issues with her. But to answer your question- if it's acceptable I've never heard of it being allow.

R. that type of behavior is allowed with parents who have no moral requirements or respect for themselves or their children. You're her parents, not her friends. I have never heard of such a sleepover. Stick to your guns and definitely address the lying. You are right, that is inappropriate behavior for an unmarried teen/young lady. If she's giving you the line "all the parents are doing it" give her back the line "if all the kids jump in front of a speeding train, do you want to do that too?". I tell my children, you live in this house and you follow our rules. Pray without ceasing, pray!

R. you are not out of touch, I can remember when I was that age and younger my grandmother and mother would not allow me to even go into someone house let along spend the night because of the fear that something would happen to me and yes I was very mad and told them they did not understand but I got over it and moved on and later on I understood why they told me that. as a parent myself of two teenagers I am going through that right now I don't say no all the time but when I do the world has come to an end and what I do is sit down with them and talk with them about the pro and cons of doing whatever it is they want to do and the cons always out way the pros and they see it is better for them not to do that thing.
The trust has been broken and you really have to let her see that trust is very important in a relationship and it has to be earned not given.

Hi R..
I think your daughter is LUCKY to have an "old and out of touch" mom like you. LOL. No, you are not out of touch. And if she says 'Everyone is doing it" then that is another lie. I am willing to be that she maybe knows ONE or TWO kids who are allowed to do that (shame on those parents) and to her that is considered EVERYONE. I think that if you talked to her other friends' parents then you will find out that you are not alone in wanting your daughter to not sleep at a boyfriend's house. So, keep doing what you're doing. And even if it turns out you ARE old and out of touch, who cares. You are protecting your daughter so that's what's most important.

Dear R. R,

You are definitely not old and out of touch. You are a mom who cares about her daughter. Shame on the boy's parents! My daughter would be on "lock down" too.

Stay strong (but keep loving her)!

Deb D
Joshua 1:9

Oh my goodness! I would have been so mad and threatened to call the police on the parents! No. It's not okay and yes, some parents do allow it unfortunately but that doesn't mean you do. If it's not okay with your family than it's not okay.

The lie is the biggest thing - you had no idea where your daughter was. None. Pretty scary. Be sure to always check up by stopping over her friends house, calling her friends parents to make sure the child is where she says she is and even driving by where she says she is out. Even stop in and go to the movies when she says she is going but sit way in the back. Okay for her to see you. If she is thinking she is getting checked on she may be less likely to slip away.
Unfortunately, she has already developed a pattern and she may return to that when she leaves, she is 17, not 13.
Have you met this boy yet? Is it love or infatuation?

It's a good time for that talk. It's not always about babies but STD's. They are a lot worse things that can happen to a kid than kids think.

Hugs to you and your family. If I may ask, remember to always let her know you love her no matter what even if you are so disappointed.

This is one of the choices you are going to have to make as a parent. Hopefully you are not the type of person who uses "jump off the cliff" theory to guide your moral compass. It's like letting your teenager and their friend consume alcohol in your house. It's a decision you are going to have to make. Your daughter is going to tell you anything she can to manipulate you into getting her way; that's the only power teenagers have. You are the parent - lay down your law. I would never decide to knownlingly let teenagers sleep together. Stick to your guns and get your husband involved - a united front is stronger against a teenage daughter.

It is so not acceptable. And just because the boyfriends parents apparently have some issues being ok with that-doesn't mean that you have to be. I did the same thing as a teenager...told my parents I was best friends with my boyfriends sister (even though we didn't even really know eachother) and so that would give me the excuse to spend the night over there. I'm pretty sure my boyfriends parents even got on the phone and lied to my parents saying I'd be sleeping with his sister when they knew darn well I'd be in his room. We did live about 30 min. away so I'd always pull the excuse of calling at curfew and saying I was too tired to drive home.

I of course thought it was cool and ok at the time but being a mom now realize how stupid I was as a teenager! I now have a 6 year old girl and am scared to death of what all she'll do! Stick to you guns! You know what's right and you know how you want to raise your own daughter. Matter of fact...I know it would be hard but should she really be allowed to see the boy that she lied to her parents over?

You are not out of touch. I notice you have a 26 year old..what do they think? I'm 26 as well so I don't feel too out of touch with the young people :>. I think it's the typical teen response of 'everyone else is doing it'. I used that plently of times!!!

You ARE NOT out of line with this--that is CRAZY! Remember, EVERY parent is nuts according to that parent's teenager. Unbelievable that the sleepover is okay with the guy's parents. If it was so okay, she wouldn't have lied about it. There's this great mantra that comes from Love and Logic and paraphrased, it is "If you handle your business in an acceptable way, great, if not, it will be handled for you. This guarantees two things--you will lose control about how it's handled and you will not like how your business is handled. Your choice." I'm guessing you've trusted your daughter until you had reason not to and now she she the scrutiny that her behavior demanded. Ride it out, if you give in now, it would be a slippery slope down.... GOOD LUCK and congratulations of not caring about being the 'cool' parent.

You are not out of touch and further, she knew it was wrong too or she wouldn't have hid the fact from you. It is your house, your rules. She is thumbing her nose at the morals she was raised with. His parents should also be informed that it is not appropriate behavior and if your daughter finds her way over there, she should be told to go home.

Tell her you are not like everyone else's parents. I bet a lot of parents would be appauled to think their children are sleeping with their "friends". What ever happened to respect for your children? The allowing parents do not have respect for their children by allowing opposite sex sleepovers. I remember hearing this conversation a couple of years ago between parents and I put my two cents worth in... are you guys ready to raise grandchildren because it's like you are giving these teenagers permission to have sex.

Keep your daughter on total lockdown. She might hate you now but in the long term of things, she will respect you later.

Get a baby think it over and give it to your daughter.

Good luck.

There's a lot more temptation to have sweets, when the sweets are available. Same rule applies, whether it's a cookie, brownie, girlfriend. Not to mention, it's not protecting your daughter's virtue.

Hopefully, your daughter has been surrounded by pure moral and ethical principles at home. However, don't take it for granted she understands right and wrong. We can't control what our children are exposed to at school and out in the world. Obviously, her boyfriend's irresponsible parents didn't seem to think it was wrong.

Consider this, statistically you can't control teen promiscuity. Your best defense in protecting your child's chastity is to teach her right and wrong. Find supporting resources and talk to your baby. (Although, it may be too late, she's probably having sex already. You may want to discuss the opportunities she can lose if she has a child early,... such as college, career, travel, the right mate, a fantastic wedding with your blessings.

She deserves the Lockdown for lying to you too! Stay firm.
You could also have her older siblings express their support for you.

I think you need to let your 17 year old read all these responses!!!! That way she can see that not everyone else allows it.

Um...NO! MOST parents won't allow those kinds of sleep overs. And, you are not that old and out of touch that teens spend the night with their girl/boy friends. I would talk to his parents again and tell them, in no uncertain circumstances, is this acceptable and that you would appreciate them respecting your wishes. Tell your daughter - and her boyfriend - that this behavior is not allowed and if they wish to continue seeing each other, they have to agree to no more sleepovers. I know that at 17, she thinks she's grown and can make her own decisions - however, she lives in your house and is expected to follow your rules while living there. Then, make sure you speak to the parents of anyone else that she is spending the night with to make sure that is really the plan.
God Bless You.
Frances

Yes it happens, not at my house while I am still breathing. Sin made legal is still sin. MY theroy has always been teen sex and pregnancy occurs but it is not going to occur with my permission. Did my highschool child have sex, maybe but he knew we did not approve and were going to do all in our power to prevent it. That included not being at our house when an adult was not home and not being at the girlfriend's house when her parents were not home. He hated it at the time but has since said it kept him from making mistakes a lot of his friends made. It is tough to be the bad guy but stay strong, your daughter's future may depend on it.

R.,

Stick with your values and those that you want for your family. It shouldn't matter what others are doing, only what you are comfortable doing.

It's better to be old and out of touch than old, out of touch and raising your daughters baby. That's a scary thought! What the heck is the matter with that boys parents? Good luck to you.

First of all, I don't believe 'everyone else is doing it'. Second of all, I don't care if everyone else is doing it - they won't be doing it at my house and my kids won't be doing it at anyone else's house! You're right to lay down the law on this!

some support here... i am 29 and i KNOW I am not too old to be out of touch! I agree with you that it is not appropriate for boyfriends and girlfriends to have "sleep overs". You now why it is not appropriate so dont let her use that line to make you feel out of touch with what is going on! lol You go momma!

It looks like you have alot of responses, which I didn't read, but I'll try to make this brief. First, I've never heard of a teenager not trying to use the "everyone else does it/or everyone else's parents let them" for EVERYTHING they want to do but have been told no. I don't think it matters what other parents allow; if the majority of parents of teens have become so lax in protecting their kids, that doesn't mean you should give in. Opposite sex sleep-overs are absolutely inappropriate! The fact that your daughter felt the need to lie to you shows you that she knows it's not right. Teenagers push the boundaries of what is okay and not okay; they know what is right and wrong but need help in developing a moral compass to make the right decisions. Hang in there, and be firm. Do not question your values or parenting just because you encounter parents who have compromised theirs! When she does come off lock down, have a conversation with her about trust and her need to earn it because she violated it. Explain to her that you are not punishing her but her behavior has required that some rules change since she has proved she cannot be trusted to make good decisions. Verify everywhere she goes. If she is going to a friends, demand the friends and parents number and check up on her by calling. I do remember at times having friends pretend to be their parents, though. So this may not be enough. I would also require an address for every place she goes so can drop in and make sure she is where she says she is. Don't just say you will, actually do it atleast a few times until you feel you can entrust her with more freedom. Remember you are not being over-bearing, you are helping learn to make better choices and also protecting her.

Absolutely not acceptable! When my son's girlfriend just had to spend the night for some reason, we made sure they were on opposite ends of the house, and we slept (well I didn't sleep) with our door open. I am apalled at the parents who permit behavior that has been unacceptable for decades and should still be! I agree with you totally.

Well, if you want to be called Grandma (again) anytime soon, cave on this!
Seriously, NO we don't all allow it, and no we do not condone it! She is having all the fun of a married woman, and she is only 17!
Is she on birth control? Does she plan on going to college? Does she have a job? Serious questions with serious answers need to be discussed here.
Lets face it, she is going to be 18 eventually, and she is going to play her "I am an adult now" card. So let her know that rent and food and all those little neccessities cost money, and she will be paying you rent, or go out and pay someone else.
So to wrap this rant up, no you are not out of touch, old fashioned or have your head buried in the sand...you are being a resposible parent and you should be proud of yourself!
Good luck with this issue...you are setting a good example for the 7 yr old.

Let me start with you being old and out of touch.. I am still in my 20's so 17 was not that long ago for me and I can tell you there is no way in hell my mother would have allowed me to spend the night at my boyfriends house and I did not have strict parents by any stretch of the imagination. Some of my friends have siblings that are still in H.S. and I can assure you none of them are allowed either. I do not think it is as widely accepted as your daughter is trying to convince you.

On another note- I moved in with my dad junior year and he allowed me to spend the night out of the home with out asking many questions and my boyfriends parents allowed me to spend the night there and GUESS WHAT???? I was pregnant by senior year!!! Big surprise huh??!!!

She is most likely going to do it regardless of what you allow or do not allow but I would make it very clear that there will be consequences.

A lot of good posts and advice...
My only comment to add is that when I grew up I lived by the mantra, "If I can't tell my mom about it, I shouldn't be doing it." Now, I have no idea what she said to me that made me feel that way. I don't know if it was the fear of getting in trouble when I was little (which later turned into a fear of disappointing her) or if she had some magic words, but I carried that mantra far into my adult life.

As for your daughter's lying, she obviously knew what she was doing was wrong - or she wouldn't have had to lie about it. Without knowing that this type of thing was happening, I doubt you ever came out and said, "you can't spend the night at your boyfriend's house." So somewhere in there, she interpretted your other rules and values to infer this rule. That's a wonderful thing - even though she did break the rule. But knowning the rule and even if she disagreed with it, she should have obeyed it. One conversation to have with her is that there will be rules all around her life that she doesn't understand or agree with. As an adult, you cannot just do it anyway because the rule is "old". If you feel that strongly about it, approach the rule-maker and discuss the reasoning behind the rule and make yourself more aware. You can even try to change the rule-maker's mind. But the consequences of breaking a rule are never abated by disagreeing with it.

Also, it is definitely time to sit down and discuss (again) sex and the things that lead up to it (and stem from it) with her if she "sees nothing wrong" with the sleep over. Something got lost in the first translation. There's nothing casual about it, and the pain that can be caused this early in life can never be un-done. Physical (biological) consequences aside, the emotional consequences can be brutal especially on girls.

I'm proud of you for sticking to your guns. And very proud that your husband approached the boy's parents. I wonder if having a conversation with some of your daughter's girlfriends (and possibly their parents) is also warranted. My suspicion is that this isn't as widespread as she would like for you to believe - but even if it is, it's worth having those conversations with her friends as well.

Good luck. You know, I don't want to lock my daughter away until she's 40 and hide her from all the experiences of growing up, but you guys are scaring me!!! ;)

the other M. K

I totaly agree, do not let girls and boys spend the nite together.... Things are way worse these days. THey are having SEX at age 13..... You can trust all you want but they will still do it if given the chance. I had my first baby at 16 and that was 15 years ago. Go with what you believe is right.

Didn't we all used to tell our parents they were old, out of touch, and that everyone else was doing it? I know I used those lines. Now that I'm grown, I'm so thankful my parents stood their ground and enforced the rules. Their wisdom kept me from making mistakes that might have ruined my life.

If my kids wanted to sleep over at a friends house I would make sure to talk to their parents first.

By no means are you old and out of touch! Morals do not get old and out of touch. I am in my 30's now and I still feel awkard having my HUSBAND in the same room with me at my parent's house with the door shut! My step-daughter has been allowed to stay with boys and have boys stay with her. When I told her "you do know that that would NOT happen at our house" she said it was because we didn't trust her. My statement was it had NOTHING to do with trust. It just isn't right. I taught HS for a while and taught sex ed. So many kids really do not have a clue what it really is all about. They also have no clue what all is involved in having a chile. It is scary.

Stick your ground and don't let her fool you into thinking that everyone else's parents are letting their child do it. They aren't. And if they are, I don't know that they are the kind of people I would want my child being around anyway! Good Luck!!

stand your ground! unless you are okay with them "sleeping together" then you are not "old and out of touch"! good luck!

You are NOT that old and out of touch. If anyone is . It is your daughter's boyfriends parents. They should be ashamed of their selves. I would never permit a boy - girl sleep over. It does'nt matter if they slept in different rooms. Once the parents go to sleep anything can go on. I would keep her grounded and tell her she can not go see her boyfriend.He can come there , and if they can show they can build up your trust again, then they can go out somewhere.

I have daughter ages 19 & 16, at my house there are no boys allowed unless a grown up is home and it goes the same way at the boys home. I have relationships with the boys parents to make sure we both have the same rules. You are not old and old fashion, we are just mom's who care.

L.

I'm out of touch also, but our rule is no opposite sex sleep overs while in high school. Our boys couldn't even have boys spend the night unless both mom and dad were here, and the same with the girls. When they got into college and brought their boy/girl friends home, we had to bite the bullet. They can sleep in the same room as long as the door is wide open. By the way, their are middle of the night checks though. We have changed our views as more go off to college. They all agreed that we were old fashion and they were adults. "No" was always "no" in high school though, and they couldn't even have the opposite sex here unless one parent was in house. Good luck!

I'm 28 years old, and no, you are not old and out of touch. You are a responsible parent that knows that boy-girl sleepovers are completely inappropriate. Stick to your guns. As many others have said, you'd rather be the "uncool" parent than raising a grandchild. Your daughter will thank you later in life.

I guess at 27 I am told and out of touch too! :) My oldest is six and in 10 years my answere will be the same as yours. NO WAY is that ok. Unless when it comes time for sleeping the girls and boys are COMPLETLY seprate and there are adults to monitor that it stays that way. More than one adult more like 3 or 4.

oh no, i totally agree with you. stick to your guns. my daughters are only 6 & 2 but there is no way i will ever change my mind on that!

No - you are not out of touch. A few parents I know allow this. I don't agree with it as it and find it completely inappropriate. If it helps at all - I consider myself a pretty liberal parent and I agree with how you are handling the situation. If you the boyfriend/girlfriend is coming along on vacation and they are sleeping in separate rooms - that's one thing. Regular sleepovers is quite another and she may have seen that too since she lied to you about it.

I would totally not be ok with it... that being said, when I was a teenager, lots of kids did this and some parents would even lie to the other parents to let them get away with it.

It reminds me of why I homeschool my kids, so I know the families of the people they are hanging out with.

I am sorry you are going through this, at least you have an open line of communication with these parents. I would ALWAYS talk to the parent of the girl my daughter is going over to and in this case, her punishment would be that she is NOT allowed to have any sleepovers other than at our house for the summer. Remember, unless she is on BC you are dealing with pregnancy possibilites at this point.

HUGS!

Parents like your daughter's boyfriends absolutely infuriate me!! Wonder if they would feel the same way if they had the daughter and not the son? They won't be the ones to have to deal with her unplanned pregnancy - God forbid! NO you are not old and out of touch. You are a concerned Mom who wants the best for her child. And it appears to me that this guy and his family are probably not that. I have heard about co-ed sleep over parties - which are bad enough. But this takes the cake. Who do these people think they are to undermine your parenting and allow your daughter to do what is against your wishes without even giving you the consideration of a conversation before hand. At 17, of course your daughter thinks she knows more than you. But stick to your guns - she's wrong!

Nearly every teenager claims their parents are "out of touch." So what? You have experience which your daughter does not have. I'm curious what your older two kids think. They've been there more recently than you have and hopefully have enough experience now to agree with your take on the situation. Teenage hormones are hardly to be trusted in innocent situations, certainly not in sleepovers!!

It's only acceptable if it's acceptable to you that she gets pregnant or an STD at 17. Stick to your guns! It is ridiculous that his parents are acting like it's no big deal!!

NO! you are not old fashioned or out of touch. You and your husband need to stand your ground (unless ready to become a grandmother again). And SHAME on the boyfriend's parents! I cannot think of a single parent that would even remotely think this was acceptable. Best advise I can give you is to make sure she REALLY understands the consequences of her "nothing wrong" with it attidude. Start having the sex talk now and see if she can work at a daycare center for the summer. (Best form of birth control - I know I waited until my 30s to have kids)
I hope this helps. Good Luck! And don't forget to be the parent.

H.

Your daughter is full of bull! My teens whom are 18 and 16 do not sleep at the girlfriends and boyfriends homes.
I don't know of any parents that allow this.

My mother-in-law allowed it with my sister-in-law (who is 20 years younger than me) and now she is 19 with a 3 year old.... that's the bottom line... they will try to find ways to be together no matter what, but don't make it easy for them!!!

You are out of touch and if you keep saying no she will rebel against you and it will be your fault.

Updated

You are out of touch and if you keep saying no she will rebel against you and it will be your fault.

Updated

You are out of touch and if you keep saying no she will rebel against you and it will be your fault.

R.,

you are not old and out of date. However I am 30 yo and I snuck out and told the same lies your daughter did, now as an adult I wish that my parents would have said "Yes, with a few rules. 1st you are sleeping at our house and 2nd the bedroom door will be open the whole night." Plus, you have to remember if she is under your roof she and he need to abid by your rules and you are able to check in on them in the middle of the night and have a nice family breakfast the next morning. I also suggest that if you have not already done so talk to her about safe sex. I can almostg garuntee that if she is lieing to sleep over there they are having sex already. Just explain that you love her and are willing to put her on which ever type of birth control she chooses and are willing to buy the condoms or give them the money for them since you care about her and don;t wnt them to become parents or get any STD's. I would also sit down with his parents and find their exact thoughts on all of this since they obviously have no problems with her staying the night at their house.

Good Luck and just remember it's hard to be a teenager in the world of today.

K.

I did not have time to read your responses s forgive me if I am repeating something here....

Oprah had this kind of topic on one her shows recently and the mom of a 14 yr old boy knew about his relationship with a girl and she called and spoke to the girl's mother herself...I thought that was a very mature thing to do on the boy's mother's part.

I don't think it's normal for teenagers to spend the night with their boyfriend/girlfriend, but it's been a while since I was 17 and I didn't have a boyfriend then. I certainly couldn't imagine my parents being ok with me spending the night with him. (if he existed). I don't think you are being old fashioned or un-cool and who cares? If that's your rule, that's your rule.

We all know that you'll never be able to convince her not to see this boy and you are unlikely to get the truth out of her as to what they are doing or what they have done. (sexually)...you just have to "know" what you were doing back then and "know" she's probably doing the same thing. The only thing you can do about that is educate her on her own sexual health and how to protect herself and why it is so important that she protect herself. Chaining her to her own bed won't really do much but shut her down even more.

I would also really suggest that (without being angry) try to show her how disrespectful it was not only for her to lie about what she was doing, but for the boy's parents to not even have the courtesy to call you. She's done this 3 times and they had to have known she was lying to you about it. If they are okay with it, whatever, but to assume you are as well and go along with your daughter's act in lying about it is immature and irresponsible on their part.

Again, she probably thinks they are "cool" and you wont be able to convince her otherwise, but she should see the error in their ways and know that no matter who disrespects her parents, she will not. Maybe you can have that open communication with her about this boy and why they want to spend the night together and why she felt she had to hide it from you. Maybe you can come to an agreement or compromise regarding that instead of an absolute hard and fast "NO"...I think that only creates more sneakiness. If you respect her, and her feelings and what's going on in her world, she will be more likely to respect yours as well and will expect that same respect from her peers and her parents......

Bottom line, this is a bigger issue than sex or sleepovers. This is about self respect and respect for others. I believe that once a child (especially teenager) gets that, the rest will fall into place.

Until teenage hormones become passe and rendered harmless, don't worry about being "out-of-touch." The power of sex is unbelievable especially in young kids who aren't smart enough or in control of themselves enough to render it harmless. You and I are adults. We know. The kids aren't and they don't. Plus truth has taken a major hit in your home. Truth leads to trust. Without either you and your teen have a major problem that could conceivably impact just about every area of your lives. STICK TO YOUR GUNS!! Someday she'll thank you.

no. she's 17 and trying to get one over on you.

You're right to say NO! My 17-year-old step-daughter lived with my husband and me last year, and one night she felt "uncomfortable" because she was in trouble with me for not doing some housework she had said she did. So what did she do? She called her mom, who gave her permission to sneak out of our house and spend the night at her boyfriend's!! Well, the next day when we found out, my husband went over there to pick her up, and she refused to come out of the house because she knew she was in trouble. He stood on her porch for an hour, and she wouldn't come out. In retrospect, he should have called the police, but he came home, hoping she would calm down and come home, too. Instead, she had a "fake panic attack" and went to the hospital in an ambulance! That cost of a lot of money (insurance didn't cover the $750 ambulance ride), and she was fine when she got there anyway. She will do anything to get out of trouble. Needless to say, she does not live with us anymore. This is just one example of what can happen when teenagers of opposite sex are allowed to spend the night together!!

no way! i was 17 not too long ago and had to sneak around to see my boyfriends, even for dates sometimes.

No R., you aren't old and out of touch.

Your daughter spending the night with her boyfriend is just as acceptable as her coming home pregnant, with aids, or herpes, etc.

If the boyfriends parents let your daughter stay the night I would bet she's not the first or the last girl to stay with him.

Stick to your rules and your standards. Keep trying to teach your daughter to respect herself and to give her younger sibling a positive role model.

Hi R.
No you are not out of touch. I work with teens alot and the only ones having sleepovers are the ones having sex.
Let's face it they are teens and they are going to try things.
I have 2 teenage boys and I know how they think and my boys are the kind of boy you bring home to daddy, but they still think about sex. So why should we as parents put our kids in that kind of position?
You did the right thing and NO every parent is not letting their kids have boy-girl sleepovers. There are still more who don't then there are those who do.
Stand your ground and be her parent not her friend no matter how much she yells about it. She will come back around and thank you.

The issue is not is it ok to have b/f-g/f sleepovers, but rather how you go about stopping it? The real issue here is respect (by the b/f's parents who failed to tell you that your underage child was sleeping over at their house AND by the daughter for herself among others). I believe this is a real opportunity for you to have some straight (super grown-up) dialogue with your daughter about her super grown-up choices, what is and is not appropriate, and, by the way, your wishes, which she may or may not abide by. There are consequences for her decisions and those must also be discussed. She will be "adult" quickly and needs to have the ammunition to make good clear decisions that won't harm her. Incidently, I was a 16 year old who was allowed to have sleepovers with my boyfriend (my husband now), and we got pregnant at 16 and have a now 16 year old son.

I can't tell you the answers that are right for you or your daughter, but please be mindful that if you just put her on lockdown it may not help but rather make the problem worse. She will buck you rather than learn from you and that would be disastrous, almost certainly.

Good luck to you all!

I have seen this before too. No, you are NOT out of touch!!

What is up with these parents allowing this to happen?! It is insane.

I do NOT think u are out of touch at all. I grew up with a very strict dad and step mom. Then my sister and i moved in with my not so strict real mother when i was 14. She allowed boys to spend the night and sure enough my sister had a baby at 17. I personally think if u have any friends that have young children she should have to go on a car ride (no less than 2 hrs while they haven't had a meal or snack) make her sit in the back seat between them and let them scream it out. If that doesn't help with birth control i don't know what will. I wish u lots of luck with this. I have 2 little girls myself who are under the age of 5. Keep us posted.

My sister-in-laws bestfriend used to sleep over when they were teens and she would have sex with my brother-in-law. Chew on that one. You are not out of touch. Just trusting.

In my neighborhood, many parents agree that once the kids reach high school there are no more sleepovers. That means your child sleeps in your home every night. I have heard about parents who allow group sleepovers when a group of teens go to a friend's lake house, etc. (with parental supervision), but I don't agree with that; far too tempting for the kids, and the parents can't stay up all night with them.

If your daughter is sexually active, she may feel like it would be stupid to stop, but she should try. I remember those raging hormones and being so in love, but she will feel better about herself if she focuses on being more in control of her feelings and actions. She should treat herself with more respect. Animals can't control their sexual urges, but people can and should, even though that's not the message that society usually sends. Just keep loving her and praying that she'll make better choices.

The big problem is that she lied. If she wants to be "mature" enough to sleep over, she needs to be "mature" enough to talk it over with her parents. She must know that there is something wrong with the activity or she wouldn't feel like she had to lie about it. And just because anybody else is "doing it" doesn't make it right. Stick to your guns...it's your house, your rules. Talk to her and let her know how things are in your household, give her a chance to really be able to express herself, but life is not fair, and you are not her "friend" you are her parents. By the way, those other parents are a bunch of morons who don't want their kids to hate them, and they don't have enough back bone to stand up to them and say no.

R., you are a saint. I am already in fear of my children becoming teenagers. I in no way would allow my daughter to spend the night with her boyfriend. If she claims that other parents allow it, then talk to some of the other parents and see what their outlook is on it. Even if they allow their daughters to do so, I would not but if it was me I'd like to meet these "other parents" because I just couldn't believe it otherwise.

No, you're not clueless. You WERE clueless, until she got caught......

It's NOT okay for her to do several things:

Disobey your rules. She is still a child and acts like one by lying to get her own way.

Lie to you about where she's going and where she'll be. That's not safe, not smart, and I'm pretty sure is against your moral standards. She knows this, that's why she lies to get what she wants.

When she's grown and out of your house, she can make her own decisions about where she sleeps. While she's a child (both in age and maturity) she MUST abide by your rules. Her opinion of your rules matter not one bit.

As my mama always told me, "Let's see how you do when you have teenagers of your own". Major lockdown for me would include no cell phone, no phone, no going out, no sleepovers (unless they are at your house) etc. She has betrayed your trust and needs to understand how serious that is. She needs to be a woman (not child) of her word.

And the boyfriend? GONE! Anyone who truly cares for your daughter will NEVER encourage her to go against her parents. He is BAD news. And I wouldn't care what his parents said was okay. You are her parents and it's NOT okay with you. You can tell her what my mama told me!

Blessings!
L.

I think you are completely correct in what you're trying to do and teach your daughter........just my two cents though. I guess she's probably say that I'm "old and out of touch" too!!!!! :-)

Good luck to you!!!!!!!!!!

~B.

From another perspective... I was a 17 year old that did stay the night with a bf. Both of our parents knew it and it was fine. But my mom was smart. She knew that it was better to get bc for me, then to have a teenager pregnant... Now I do understand that this is not acceptable and very debatable. Yes they were allowing it but I would've done it anyways and your daughter probably will too. Btw I had a planned pregnancy when I was 24 and happliy married. And I never lied to my parents about what I was doing they always knew. Maybe but not all the details but atleast where I was at.

R.,

I'm 26 years old...so I haven't been out of the teens to long! But you are NOT out of touch at all!!!! I was never allowed to sleep over with boys and none of my friends were either. The ONLY exception was on prom when my parents let me have my date along with about 6 other couples come over and stay the night!!!! We all just watched movies and played games all night long and got up and went to church the next morning. Their thought behind letting everyone come over and stay was they would rather us be home where they knew we were safe then us be out somewhere.

I have 2 girls of my own now and while they are still just babies...they will NOT be staying the night with boys - EVER! And if they lie to me about it, there will be a price to be paid for lying to me and also staying over at a boys house. I think it is so important to not demand respect, but to earn respect from your children. I can tell my kids until I'm blue in the face to do something because it is better for them, but unless they respect me, they will never understand why I'm making them do something.

My parents were AWESOME parents and still are. My mom is my bestfriend. I always knew that I could come to my mom and talk about ANYTHING...I knew that her ears were ALWAYS open to me and I never had to worry about her judging me about anything. My parents love is truly UNCONDITIONAL!

You should talk to your daughter...being a teenager is not easy...you are changing so much and learning about your independence and choices. Looking at my two year old...being a teenager is a lot like being two again. You are really testing your limits to see how far your parents will let you go before getting in trouble.

Be there for your daughter and set the rules you want. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page. And have set punishment if she breaks the rules. Also, make your daughter have friends stay at your house and not be allowed to spend the night at their house...that way you know who she is with and what they are doing.

Sorry this is so long, but I hope it helps! Best of luck and God bless.

J.'

acceptable - NOOOOO!!!! common - yes!!! to the kids it isn't a big deal at all. it happens ALL THE TIME. that doesn't make it ok. you might need to deal with the fact that IF she is still a virgin she has probably gone into the gray land of being naked together, touching, blowjobs, sexting, sending naked pictures over the phone (illegal by the way and could get both of you in a lot of trouble) ect . . .
no big deal in the land of teenage.

the only suggestion i have is to read "for parents only" by Shaunti Feldhahn. it will help you get a little back "in touch" lol.

I have a 14 yr old girl. My husband and I are very open minded and allow some things that some parents would not....HOWEVER.....we would not allow a sleepover like that.

I would be more concerned with the lying issue. I can't say how I would handle it because I haven't been there and done that.

One thing we do have at our house is wide open lines of communication...nothing off limits and we talk a LOT as a family about ALL kinds of issues. We do talk about boy/girl relationships, drug alcohol use, sex, EVERYTHING. Daughter feels comfortable enough to ask us anything and we will talk about it.

I know the feeling of "you are clueless", we also get that one on occasion as well as "everyone else does it". Stand your ground.....you are right.

R.,
Looks like you have a TON of advice on this but I had to chime in. I am appalled that the boys parents are aware of what is going on. My son is 15 and there's not a chance in the world that I would allow that. They are probably going to wind up grandparents at a young age.

I read your post to my daughter who is 16 almost 17. She laughed. She said she isn't aware of anyone who does that. She had a good point, if she thought it was an OK thing to do then why did she keep it from you.

And, you again, you aren't out of touch. I wouldn't allow it at all. Plus, since when is it not cool to teach your child moral values.

If I were you, I would have a chat with her about safe sex. I hate to say it but I bet she and her bf are.

No way! You are not old and out of touch at all. You are doing the right thing by keeping her on lock down. Believe me she will thank you when she gets olser. These teenagers think that they are too grown and they need to enjoy being a teenager. They have plenty of time for sex. She really needs to respect you and your rules as her parent. Always let her know that she is going to respect you as long as she is living under your roof. WHen she turns 18 she is an adult and if she chooses to get her own apartment and a job to pay for it all then that is up to her. Times are diffrent now from when we as parents were growing up but do not let her play you. She lied to you and that was so wrong!

If you are out of touch, so am I. Our society is way to permissible these days. My guess is these parents are the same ones that say "they are going to have sex anyway, so at least they are safe at my house" or "they are going to drink anyway, so I'd like them to do it at my house". I'd tell the parents it is absolutely NOT ok with you that your teenage daughter sleeps at her boyfriends house and to please not allow that anymore. Keep to your guns and teach that girl some morals!

I am a 26 year old, parent of an 11 month old and I am not for a co-ed sleepover by any means. Teenagers and hormones can be VERY dangerous. I am not some religious person either. I just think that if I wouldn't have been "careful" in high school I would have been a dad a lot sooner. My parents were VERY OPEN about HIV/AIDS when I was growing up. So no, I do not think you are out of touch or old by any means. BUT on the flipside, kids will do what they want to do anyways. You have to put the fear of god in them OR prepare them for the situations they are going to get into anyways. IE. Put her on the pill and buy her condoms. It's probably hard to hear that but like I said before she will do what she wants either way. You can't watch her 24/7. Good Luck.

Nothing is wrong with it if you want to become a grandparent and have her having sex before she even knows what a true relationship is all about. And her boyfriends parents are liars as well. Holding back information is the same as lying. They KNEW she was staying over and didn't tell you. As for your daughter saying, "everyone else is doing it" is that what you really believe? This is wrong on so many levels I cannot touch on all of them in just one little response. Please, be her parent and its about protecting her and giving her good judgement, not what feels right for the time being.

OMG stick to your guns, I'd flip if my daughter told me this. Ask the boyfriends parents if they are ready to be grandparents and take responsibility for their actions as parents.

Stick to your morals Mom! No one I know is letting their kids do this. There probably are some but we strong parents need to stick to our guns and not let our children do what ever they want. Our job is to protect and raise them to be Godly moral people.

Maybe it's the new thing, but I'm pretty sure my mom would have killed me if I'd been having boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers when I was in high school. It wouldn't have ever occured to me to even think about having one, but I'm sure it would have been out of the question. My 21 yr. old sister never did it either, and I don't think she ever even thought about trying to do it either. Maybe it's a new thing, but if so my 13 yr. old sister better not even think it. Call me old fashioned but that just seems like a set up for trouble. I'd say your reaction was perfectly normal and I don't think your out of touch. All kids say everyone else is doing it, and maybe some are, but I can guarantee you not everyone is doing it.

Well, Mom I am not old or out of touch and kids of opposite sex "sleeping over" is NOT Okay. Good luck dealing with this. Unfortunately I don't have any advice on this one. If she thought that you would be okay with it she would have told you the truth. But, she obviously knew that it as wrong because she told you a bold faced lie. If she is having sex now would be a good time to discuss disease, birth control, etc. The main cause of cervical cancer is a sexually transmitted disease called HPV (human papilloma virus). It is generally undetectable because it has no symptoms. If you can find pictures of different STDs that could be a wake-up call for her. Also, when you discuss birthcontrol, if you haven't already, remember that the pill is really, really easy to forget and the patch often comes off. I would suggest Nuva Ring or Depo Provera for a teen that is sexually active. Good luck again.

Uh NO! I have three kids:19,18,and 5. Trust me "nice kids" do NOT have these kinds of sleep overs. Once more, your daughter is 17, I believe she is still considered a Minor in this situation which puts the other parents in the position of contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

However, you may need to take a look at the big picture here. Sounds like your daughter is sexually active. If you have not done so already, it is time to take her in for a check-up and possibly birthcontrol.

I am only 23, so it hasn't been long since I was that age. There is no way I would let my 17 year old stay the night with her boyfriend or vice versa. I wasn't allowed to stay the night with my boyfriend when I was in college. lol

Wow! You are not old and out of touch...you're daughter has a lot of nerve to intentionally try to make you feel that way. Shame on her for using the "everybody else's" blah blah blah!!! You need to hold your head up high and be proud of the values you are trying to give her. She is 17, close to being 18 remind her that it's a big world out there and her decisions bring on huge circumstances! Obviously these other parents do not share your values, does she want her child (if she winds up pregnant) raised around people like that??? Honestly, I'm sure she knows that you are completely right in what you're advising her to do. I know at that age, I'd say my parents were in the wrong, but in my heart I knew they knew what was truly best for me. Keep strong and don't let her bring you down. No matter how it turns out, you want to be able to say that you did your best and that she didn't make the poor decisions due to you caving in. God bless you and your family!

The fact she lied about what she was doing and where she was says it all. She knows for an indisputable fact her choice was not in alignment with the values of her parents. I cannot even believe she had the gaul to say "every one elses parents..." AND! she is quie fortunate to have older parents who have more wisdom and experience than the foolish "children" raising her friends. {Key words: Lied. Values. Parents (not negotiation partners or friends or co-committee members).
Trust is a two way street. She lied. Putting her under house arrest is completely appropriate.

No, you are not out of touch. Please hold to your convictions. She will thank you in the end.

In my opinion the issue is not about whether you and your husband are old and out of touch. The rule is that she is not allowed to sleep at her boyfriends house. I think if you are not comfortable with it then you shouldn't allow it. As her parents you set the rules and you are doing it out of concern for her safety and you have her best interest at heart. I don't know anyone that allows boy/girl sleepovers. My daughter will be 14 this month so maybe I am old and out of touch too but I would never allow it especially when it was done behind your back. To me that's a huge violation of trust. Good luck, raising a teenager is by the most challenging, obstacle ridden experience!

No. You are not out of touch. That's absolutely crazy. If I were you, if she wants to see her boyfriend, it will have to be at your house while you are home from now on.

Dear R.:

You are NOT clueless, the parents of your daughter's boyfriend are!!!!!!!

Opposite sex sleepovers are NOT the norm and let me assure you everybody does NOT!!!! allow it.

I have a 13-year-old daughter and 16 and 17-year-old nieces and I can assure you that is not going on in any of our communities.

Keep up the good work on the MEGA lockdown and lots of luck.

L. F., married to a great guy with a 13-year-old daughter

If you are old, then so am I. I don't think you're wrong. I have aten year old and I can't imagine that in 7 years that I'll be willing to let her sleep over at a boyfriends house. Keep to your guns. She knew it was wrong, because she lied about it. I guess being the parents of the girl is different than being the parents of the boy. If anything happens, he doesn't have to go through 9 months of pregnancy and can pretty much ignore it if he wants to. No I don't think you are out of touch. I don't know any parents of teenagers that let their kids sleep over at a boyfriend or girlfriends house.

Hi R., this is really difficult and you will get a lot of different opinions. I grew up in Germany and there it is common that girlfriend and boyfriend have sleepovers. A lot of my friends were allowed to do it. My dad is very strict and I wasn't allowed to have my boyfriend sleep in our house. I think bottom line is that you should ask your daughter why she wants to sleep over at her boyfriend. Is it because they want to be intimate ? If that is the case I would rather have my daughter be honest, explain to her the importance about being intimate with someone and how it can effect your life. If she is ready to do it, she will no matter if day or night. Maybe it is better to know she is in a safe place ?! I have a daughter as well and I am not looking forward to this kind of conversation or conflict. I did a lot of things secretly and I wish my dad wasn't that strict, because maybe then I would have been able to talk about these things and I would have thought about some actions before !
Good luck !

Trust yourself, you know it is completely inappropriate to have mixed sex sleep overs. And for that matter, sex is most likely happening and being condoned. The fact that she lied is also an issue. You are not out of touch. It is never appropriate for children in their high energy teens to have a sleepover with their significant other.
If you have not already had a serious sex talk, one is for sure due, although it may be too late. Also Oprah a couple of weeks ago had a great show about teenagers and sex and really made those kids think long and hard about all the consequences of sex and risky foreplay. It would be a great watch if you can get a copy of it.
Trust your instincts, and best of luck to you.

R., as a parent of a 17 year old son - No, you are not out of touch... When you are responsible for your daughter's friends, then you can worry what the other children are doing... You are your daughter's mom! Not theirs... You make the rules for her to become a well rounded young lady and later adult... Allowing her to do this will just make it easier later in life to "spend the night" with more guys... I say keep your stance... Trust me... I'm clueless according to our 17 year old... And I could care less... Because at 17, they're clueless to what could happen to change the rest of their lives and sleeping over with your boyfriend at 17 regularly, could very well do that... You're showing her respect for herself that she can only appreciate when she gets older and has children for herself... Then she'll be "clueless"! I'm truly proud of you for raising her that way... So many parents these days want to be "cool" and their kids "BFF's"... But if you look at the outside world, how many forty-somethings do you see best friends with 17 year olds? We're here to be their parents until they are adults... Hold steady! Good luck!

I am 28 and don't think that it is appropriate at all. Stick to your guns. The only time it would be acceptable would be if a huge group were spending the night for like a movie marathon, prom party or a lock in type thing and there was a lot of adult supervision.

oh, my word! Absolutely not! That is so inappropriate that my head is just about to explode. No wonder teen pregnancy is again on the rise! If she wants to play house, I suggest she get a job and move out. My daughter is only 20 months, but this so will not happen under my roof and shame on parents who do let it happen. You are asking for trouble. Sorry, I feel extremely passionate about this subject. Teenagers do not have the capacity to comprehend the adultness of this situation. If she says they're "just sleeping," she's lying. Can you imagine the raging hormones????

The fact that she lied about it means that your 17 y.o. daughter knows it's unacceptable in your house.
If it truly is unacceptable, you should stand your ground.
There are ways of dealing with the situation that doesn't involve threats.
www.loveandlogic.com
Visit this website and get more information on how to deal with defiant behavior... all ages.
I know that some school libraries stock CDs and books on this awesome program.
Hope this helps.
Good Luck!

I am a 26 year old who has a stepson that is now 20. He was a teenager when his Dad and I got married. My husband thought it was OK for his son to have his girlfriend in the bedroom with the door closed. I thought that was very disrespectful and it caused many fights between me and my husband. I stood my ground. My husband said that his son wouldn't have sex in our house. When my stepson moved out I had to clean his room when we moved out of the house. I found a couple of used condoms in his room. I left them for my husband and he didn't speak to me for days, because he knew I was right. Don't give in. I was a teenager more recently than my husband and I know how teenagers think. I didn't back down and I don't think you should. I'm not that old and I am not out of touch with teens and I don't think it is acceptable for a girl to spend the night with a boy.

Hope this helps.

NO, you are NOT out of touch. It doesn't matter what "everyone else" is doing. Besides, not everyone else IS doing it, or allowing this. Good morals have nothing to do with your age. Plus your daughter needs to know that lying is unacceptable. That is an important lesson to learn, and better she learn it at home, than out in the workforce, etc one day. Be strong, and stick to your guns.

You have gotten a ton of responses, but I wanted to add just one more. My teen daughter asked if her gay male friend could spend the night when he was having a hard time with his parents. I told her no. Gay or not, he is still a boy and boys do not sleep over. Heaven forbid he should change his mind about being gay while he's there.

I have a 17 year old daughter as well, and I would NOT let her sleep over her boyfriends house. Luckily we do not have one, but if she did that would definately be a no no. Good luck with your situation.