Hi everyone! Our seemingly-never-ending potty training saga continues and I'm hoping for some advice. We potty trained our son for about 3 months over the summer and early fall…he started out great but relapsed and never got back to where he had been…after 2 months of going downhill, it eventually became a battle of wills and we decided to stop and put him back in diapers. It's been about 3-4 months and he turned 3 back in October. Now that the holiday season is almost behind us, I'd like to try again, but I'm thinking a different approach is necessary.
He knows what to do and when to do it. The issue has always been that he just doesn't want to unless it's his idea and he's stubborn enough to just not care when he's wet or dirty. So, I don't want to just do the usual sticker chart or reward for every time he goes potty. I'd like to reward him for staying dry specifically, which obviously means going potty when he needs to rather than holding it in until he has an accident.
My thought is to start him off with a certain number of something…tokens, small toys, not sure….every day. Whenever he has an accident, he gives one up. If he has any at the end of the day, he gets some kind of prize, and the more he has the better the prize is. We're talking candy, staying up an extra 15 mins, etc…nothing crazy. We might do this plan in conjunction with a small reward for going potty, just to reinforce that as well. We will still remind him and make sure he tries regularly.
I should also mention that we're going straight to big-boy underwear this time…the pull-ups just encouraged him to not have to worry about having accidents. I know it's going to be rough at first, but his pre-school is on board and we're just going to power through those first days/weeks.
This question might come up, so I'll also say that I think he's mature enough to understand this system…he's a very good communicator and has a great grasp of cause/effect and an unreal memory so I don't think forgetting/not understanding will be an issue. Of course if I'm wrong we'll have to go back to the drawing board, but I'd like to try this first because just rewarding going potty didn't seem to get at the problem last time around.
Has anyone tried this kind of approach before? Any ideas/advice? How many is a reasonable number of tokens (or whatever) to start with? I want to set him up to be able to succeed realistically but don't want him to feel like he can have a ton of accidents and still get a prize. If anyone has any alternative approaches or ideas, I'm eager to hear about anything you think might work!
I know kids are different and various methods work for families, but we didn't do any kind of rewards. None. Using the potty is just what people do. No rewards necessary other than mom expressing "good job!" when it happened. I think you are making this too complicated. Motivation comes from within us, at all ages, not from external rewards.
Hi O.,
The hardest part about helping children use the toilet (at least, from my experience working with young children) is to help them figure out how to buy into *why* staying dry is important for them.
Because you have a little guy who you say is 'stubborn', he may likely experience having to hand that token over to you as a punishment. It may feel like you are upping the ante for him because you are not focusing on his success, but are actually making the focus of attention about his failure to stay dry.
If you want to do a reward, I would do it for staying dry ALL day. If you feel that he can control his bladder/bowels and that pants messing is a conscious choice, then I'd have a fun little something for every full day that he stays dry.
Be aware that, when using external motivators like rewards, there is sometimes the complication that,when removing the motivator (as it were), the child regresses to the behaviors they were exhibiting before. So, know that you may need to be committed to offering the reward for some time. In which case, you do want to keep it something inexpensive and easy to stock up on.
Another method some parents use is to find a 'currency' item (an activity or toy your child values, but not a favorite security toy) and to put that away/not offer it until he 'earns' time with the toy/activity by being dry all day. Then, the child can either be allowed to have that time (15-20 minutes) that evening or you can give him little 'tickets' or certificates for the time you will owe him in the next day or so with that item.
When my son was about 3, we did try using the potty-- he simply wasn't interested. I reintroduced it about four months later, simply telling him that he could either wear cloth diapers or underwear, his choice, but that the teachers at school said he was old enough not to need paper diapers during the daytime. He was motivated by *hating* the feeling of wetting himself, so that was simple. I still think the best motivation for kids is the feeling of staying dry; we point out "wow, you got to the potty so fast, we don't have to spend time changing wet clothes. Good for you!" Simple, clear feedback is helpful too.
Maybe something here will work for you... good luck!
He may just not have been ready, so I say try again. I did it cold turkey when my son was 3 yrs. 2 months. And it took 5 days...no pull ups, and he's dry through the night. You need to dedicate a week of doing nothing but training and staying home. All diapers go to a baby you know, big boy undies go on, and make it not a choice to sit every 20-40 minutes. We had a small potty which he used for only a few weeks...then transfered him to the big potty. #2 was harder and there were some tears from both of us, but keep it positive with rewards and stick with it...He WILL get it! Good luck.
My boys responded better to being given something than having something taken away.
We went out and bought a jar and a bunch of those colored glass rocks you use in floral arrangements. We got a package of big ones, I believe there were 6 or 7 in there and about 100 of the small ones.
Each time they tried or peed or whatever step we were at they would get a small rock to go in the jar. Each time they pooped they got a big rock to go in the jar (with the assumption they pooped once a day, if they pooped more than once a day they got a small rock each time after the first).
After a week if they got all the big rocks and a good amount of the small rocks they got a reward. My oldest would get a Bob the Builder Take-a-long toy after the week. We'd pick them up each time we saw a new character in the store and set them aside in a bag that he got to pick out of. The first couple times they'd get to pick out a more special, more expensive reward. So first week was $20, second week was $15 and the rest were $5 or so.
Once they mastered a step we'd move on to the next and explained what they had to earn the rocks this time. They had to try, then be successful most of the time, then keep dry at home, then out, and so on.
They have to be ready. Any time before that you are just making more work for yourselves. Setting timers to remind you to rush them to the toilet, being willing to clean up multiple accidents and do all of that extra laundry. It's not worth it. Better things to do with my time and energy.
Hello! I don't think you say how old your son is, so some advice depends on that. I also don't know what system you used initially, but I had a lot of success with my son using a " boot camp." Underwear only, don't leave the house for at least 3 days (ended up about 5 for us). This is a little different because I imagine your son is older by this point if you've already tried potty training (maybe 3?) and because he already has the concept and is refusing to cooperate. I see why you want to use motivators like prizes, but honestly the system you've described sounds a little complicated with removal of rewards, then a bigger reward at the end of the day for keeping his rewards during the day...I'm a teacher and was a behavioral therapist for a few years so I am aware that overly complex reward/punishment systems make kids confused and less motivated. He might be very smart, but it's still complex. Another thing I liked about the boot camp is that you never take the child to the potty and tell them to " try" because this has them sitting on the potty (or standing) when they may not have to go, and so there is a disconnect between feeling you have to go and being near a potty. You wait until the kid starts peeing in his underwear, and then put him on a potty. Give a small reward (like an M and M) immediately, only for peeing in the potty. Yes, it's super messy for a couple of days and you will be wiping pee up off the floor, but a couple of things work here - one is that the kid is not being forced to sit on the potty every 20 minutes, and the other is that he pees on himself and it's messy and uncomfortable. If I did this program again I would do it without any underwear so I could see immediately when he was peeing. Another thing you could consider is that he's just not ready - you can spend the next 6 months trying to potty train him, or you can wait for 6 months and he might be ready and it will take 2 days. Anyway, I'm not an expert! :) Good luck with it!
Forget stickers, rewards etc. he is too old. No diapers, no pull ups. Underwear only. Non negotiable. He will know you mean business.
some advice here: http://www.rogerknapp.com/medical/pottytrainingrefusals.htm
Tying something negative (taking tokens away) to the experience will work negatively. It's like getting a raise at work, they take it away but tell you you are such an important part of the team. Doesn't work.
The best thing to do? Is wait until he's ready...emotionally developed enough.
Boys mature slower than girls. The magic age seems to be approximately 3 1/2 yrs old for boys. It's weird but true. I've seen it tons of time.
Also, I read about a 3 day plan that worked extremely well for my youngest child AND for some people I knew.
Here's how it goes:
-Day One. You don't go anywhere. Every hour or so, take the child to the bathroom & ask him if he needs to try & pee. If he has an accident, you don't say a word. Nothing negative. Just "we're going to change your clothes". At the end of the 1st day, you have a small party at home w/your family telling him you're celebrating him being a big boy. (Oh & prior to starting this plan you take him to the store to buy new big boy underwear that you let him pick out. Blow up a couple of balloons, hv a small cupcake, put out some cute plates telling him it's a party for being a big boy.
-Day Two, you repeat the same thing. The key is not to go anywhere so you are home & near a bathroom. Ask him if he needs to go to the bathroom often, taking him into the bathroom & helping him in front of the toilet (have a step stool to make it easy). At the end of the day, you throw another small party w/everyone who's home & give a tiny gift. Telling him tomorrow you'll have another party w/a small gift.
-Day Three, again you don't go anywhere, take him to the bathroom often to try & pee, don't punish if he has an accident, throw at party at the end of the day w/streamers, balloons & a small prize. I decorated the eating area.
The key is not to go anywhere, not to punish for accidents (they are going to happen) & to reward each day w/a small party to encourage the wanted behavior.
-Day
