Lindsay,
You just described what used to be my son about 3 weeks ago. He is about to turn 4 Nov. 16th. A few differences are that mine is an only child, (about to be a big brother though, Due date is Nov. 16th) Everyone is warning me about him regressing when the baby gets here, but I have a plan for that, lol. We had tried everything like you discribed. The only thing that had a little effect on him was the reward, but we were not being consistant enough & were pushing too hard. So we stopped for quite awhile. Then after lotts of brain storming we decited to put a few ideas together. I don't know about yours but mine always want's to help, so whenever he went in the potty he got to have a gummy worm & daddy (Or me if daddy wasn't home) got to get one too. (Gummy worms were his absolute favorite) And we ONLY got them when he went. When daddy got home from work He would rush over to him and say, "Daddy really want's a gummy worm, Do you want a gummy worm?" Answer always being yes, daddy said " Will you try and go pee in the potty so we can both have a gummy worm, PLEASE?" then he would go. It even got to where he would ask us if we wanted gummy worms & then go. Yes, there were times that he would pinch it off & then go again 2-5 min later so he could get more, but thats ok. When he does that it teaches bladder control, so we rewarded him for the dribbles within reason, lol. (He knew what he was doing so wasn't too crushed about not getting 5 gummies in ten min. (after all, he did just get 5, lol) We kept the worms in plain sight but out of reach. So he would be reminded even more. This worked for pee. Now after he mastered that, we were still having trouble with number 2. But He started to request bubble gum & I kept telling him no. So one day when he asked I told him that only big boys who POOP in the potty can have buble gum & that bubble gum was a big responsibillity & that when he went poop in the potty that that's when he could have it. It didn't work right away but as he kept seeing other people with it he really started to want it. My husband and I went ahead and picked up a roll of bubble tape & put it with the gummie worms so he could see it, then sure enough the first time he went poop in the potty he got his first piece..... He then went again the next day...another piece. He had some accidents, but we never scolded him. It did break my heart when he asked for one after an accident & I told him " Accidents happen & it's ok but it didn't make it to the potty so no bubble gum yet. Let's try again next time ok?" He goes in that sad little voice the do" ok, snifle, snifle" But after maybey 4 accidents we are alittle over 4 weeks accident free" We did let him pick out his own underware & one time when we were at walmart in the beginning of the successful training we looked at toys. And since he is sooo in to playdough we showed him the activity center & told him that when he goes in the potty all the time we will come back here & get this for him since he will be such a big boy them... big boy toy for a big boy,lol. Sure enough he is loving that toy. So I hope my story has given you some Ideas & helps. Just remember that If you choose the reward system that it must be consistant or it won't work, also it has to be something they really really want & can only have when they go. Then it being in plain sight. & keeping the reward fresh in their minds (also should be something that big brother doesn't get or he gets two every time he goes & gets to pick who he gives the other one to) OH, & don't over push, they love to rebel as I'm sure you are aware of by now, lol!!!! It will happen sweetie, I promise.
A.