Potty Training for a Year and Still Not Getting It-- HELP!

Hi A.,
Have you taken away pull-ups? That was what the YMCA told me to do with my stubborn daughter. They said one weekend to tell her she needed to be a big girl and use the potty and mommy and daddy couldn't afford pull-ups any more and she would just have to use big girl panties. So we went and picked out big girl panties lots of them and all it took was one weekend of accidents 3 or 4 before she realized it wasn't much fun to have accidents. The YMCA where she goes to pre-school also recommended that I make her clean her self up after accidents, that is what they do there. Hope this helps, good luck!
M.

At this point you are no long potty training. I think some times moms get confused on when the training stops and responsibility for actions begins.

he knows what to do, he just does not want to do it. it is more fun to keep doing what he wants to do.

The end result is not only wet pants, but wet furniture and carpet. he is responsible for his actions, and his nonactions.

Explaining to him that he can not trusted to take care of business on his own and that it is his responsibility makes allows him to become a big boy, and do what is right.

If he can not be trusted to take care of business he should not be allowed in areas of the home that he can ruin. Dont make any accomodations for this. If the kitchen is the only place with safe flooring, then that is where he stays. You dont take his toys in there for him, this is his choice not yours.

When he begs and screams to be let out, you explain that he can come out if he takes care of business right then. No rewards, no punishments, just consequences for actions. When he does what he is supposed to do allow him in another room. If he does not go to restroom while keeping himself busy it is back to the kitchen. There is no need to yell or get upset, this is his choice.

Believe me it only takes a day or two of realizing that his decision to not use the restroom changes his ability to have the chance to move about freely. The same thing goes for going out. If you can not trust him to stay clean and dry, do not take him out to McDonalds or any where else.

The point is to make him responsible for his decisions and help him to understand that he has the right to make certain choices. You wont force him to do this, but he will not be trusted beyond the areas that are safe for him to be in.

Wow...fantastic advice from Sherri!!! I really can't think of much to add to it at all. If you are having to remind him every time then YOU are the one being trained...not your son.
My only suggestion would be what we did with my son when he was having problems at night...we told him that we couldnt have him wetting the bed ( we were newlyweds...had NO money...ONE set of sheets for his bed and it meant a trip to the laundromat everytime he had an accident) so if he had an accident one night then the next night he didnt get to wear his "big boy pants"..it was back into diapers...he HATED diapers...so he pretty quickly learned to get up at night if nature called!!
I will be anxious to hear how things go....
R. Ann

My son did the same thing. Instead of making it a power struggle I decided to put ALL the responsibility on him.

I didn't remind him or anything but if he went to the bathroom in his clothes- he was responsible for cleaning himself, his clothes, and the floor. (I bought some kid safe cleaners.)

After two times of having to clean poop off himself, the floor, and his clothes he suddenly decided he didn't want to mess around anymore and went potty. No rewards, no punishments- just responsibility.

Nighttime is completely different, IMHO. My son can't stay dry at night and his urologist says it's normal to wet the bed at 5.

Hi A., i feel your pain! I had the same problem with my 3 year old daughter. I started to potty train her just as she turned 3 and this child didnt have any interest what so ever in going. I started to get the pressures from outside family and friends, them saying shes 3 1/2, she should be potty trained by now. We did the whole sticker chart and it worked for exactly 1 week, she went on the potty. Then she just decided she didnt wanna do it anymore. I went and bought cute little panties and told her if she wanted to be a big girl she could wear them. Of course she wanted to wear them, so i thought ok, lets see what she does. Oh yeah, just would go right in them without a thought about it. We even went the discipline route (putting her in time out if she went in her pants) just because we knew she could do it. That didnt last long, cause i felt bad and didnt wanna cause her to problems. Well ya know what, i came to the conclusion that every child is different and that you just shouldnt push. Make sure there are no diapers around, use pull ups, and have big boy underwear in hand. Cause i tell ya, i just decided to take a break and leave her alone. And low and behold, she came to me one day and said "mommy, i wanna wear big girl panties today" and guess who then said "i gotta go potty" So im sorry, after my long story, my advice is "Relax!" The more pressure you put on yourself and on him, the harder its gonna make it. As someone once told me "You wont be sending them to college in diapers"

Hi A.,
You didn't say if your son was a special needs child, so I assume he is not. First why have you waited until he is 4 years old? By this age habits are hard to break, this should be started as soon after their first birthday and certainly before they are 2. I have potty trained 3 of my own children and helped with 2 grandchildren, and haven't had any problem.(They are usually done in 3 days) The best way is to take about 3 days to spend just focusing on potty training. I first try with their training pants on (NOT PULL-UPS) these are just glorified diapers and the child is use to going in his diaper, and just watching and catching them when you see they need to go, and praising when the go in the pot, if after a couple of days they show no interest in trying, I remove their pants and they go naked, and when there is a mess they clean it up with your help so they learn how to clean up a mess and themselves correctly, they get use to going with out the feel of a diaper on them. Its just like us it is hard to just stand and pee in your pants because that is foreign to us. So you are training them to get use to not going in a diaper which they are use to. Then after potty trained during the day, at night I put on a heavier training pants and don't give a bottle or drink right before going to bed, then I get up once during the night to take them and in just a few night, I have a potty trained childed that has gotten lots of praise and sometime a special prize. I hope this will help, I know this is so frustrating to so many parents.
Of course having good discipline habits with your child where they listen and obey your voice really helps when these kinds of training need to take place, good discipline helps through their whole life, they respect you and others when they have respect for their self. Good discipline is the only thing that brings about honor and respect and a desire to please you. May God give you the wisdom you need to accomplish the best for your children.

What finally worked for me and my son was this

1. I wrapped up a present in wrapping paper and put it on the mantel where he could see every day but not have it. I said when you go potty every day for 5 days only in the potty you can open the present. I also explained that he couldn't pee in his pants or on the floor. All pee had to into the potty.

2. Every time he went to the potty he got to put a bead in a clear glass jar up on the counter (out of reach). When he filled it up to a certain line (I marked it about an inch up) then he got to pick a toy out a a bag) I went to the dollar store and picked up a bunch of toys for him.

Those two things combined worked for me. I also gave up completely and left him alone for an entire two week period. NEVER mentioned potty AT ALL. Then offered the bead jar and the present up high. Within a week of the "restart" he was potty trained. I was very gentle with my words and NEVER got mad at him for having an accident. Mostly I would say sweetly, "oh my, this is a mess. better get cleaned up. Oh well, next time in the potty, right?" Once I realized that it was simply a control issue that was holding him back I let go and restarted with a whole new attitude. Worked like a charm.

I did the present incentives that Chrisse suggested but ultimately...my nearly 4 year old needed the peer pressure of preschool to turn up the heat and get her to go consistantly.

I'd say if you can get him in some mom's mornings out, play dates, or even a part-time preschool you will probably have your problem solved within a week.

As for the presents...the $1 presents worked great for my son as bribery but then there wasn't a lot of incentive and the let down was huge when he realized that he had to do this many times a day for the rest of his life w/o an incentive. He did get a big present at the end but it wasn't his incentive to get potty trained at all...he'd just walk by it and ignore it. As for my daughter, I told her I would get her a doll (something she really wanted) once she went potty for an entire week (during the day) without messing up her pants. We charted it and between preschool and the incentive she did it within a week and a half. All I can say is hang in there...

http://drphil.com/articles/article/264/

This is what I used for all three of my kiddos. It really did help. I hope this helps you too. Good luck!

~S.

I agree with Sherri too. I have 3 that are at this stage...well 2. One is doing well but his mom suddenly put him back in pull-ups after a week of underwear. I don't know what's up with that.

Anyway, I've told these boys we are done going out anywhere. I'm not even taking them outside til they prove to me that they are trained. I just keep telling them that I am sick of having to tell them. I'm sick of having to take them by the hand or see them look irritated with me when they have to stop playing to go potty. We have been working with all 3 of these boys for a year too. What's worse is that we have 2 children on the night shift that are starting to train and we didn't even get a break from it for awhile because these kids are NOT willing to be done with this.

One of the moms has been telling me for 6 months that she doesn't understand why we don't have him trained here when she says he is ok at home. But she'll follow that up every time with telling me she tells him every 20 minutes! I can't put this kid on every 20 minutes when there are other people needing to use the bathroom!

I had a family that I thought was one of my best families leave me last year and their biggest complaint was that I wasn't working hard enough to get their daughter trained. But I know that it took them another 6 months for it to happen and it wasn't anything someone else did for her, she finally decided to do it on her own. I hate the word "training" we can not train them. In the end all we can do is stop playing games with them and make it their responsibility.

Suzi

Regular underware (big boy) and don't change him instantly so he feels the discomfort.

Though my 4 yr old son has been potty-trained for a year, he still fights us to go on his own. Occasionally he will listen to his body and go on his own. But most of the time we have to remind him. Lately he has been saying no. I just give him the choice of going potty or sitting in a time out. This works for him. Or if we are getting ready to go somewhere, or he wants to play with something that we have put up, I always tell him, you can't until you go potty. He will occasionally argue with me about it, and I just say, well, then I guess you really don't want to play with that, or whatever. It seems to work. He still has his accidents, when he waits too long to go, and pees when he's trying to get his pants down. I always remind him to listen to his body. It really does take a long time. And you may have to keep reminding him. Some kids just really feel they are going to miss out if they stop to use the bathroom. And others really can't hear the signals of their bodies yet, and as tiring as it is, it is our job as parents to help them learn. My mom had to remind my brother to use the bathroom until he was 8 years old. He just didn't want to stop anything he was doing. He didn't want to miss out. My son is the same way. Maybe yours is too. But in the meantime, maybe you can come up with some tactics like I did when he starts fighting with you about it. Good luck!

Good Morning A., I agree with Sherri. Potty Training is way over. When our youngest got to involved at playing and wet him self or pooped, I made him wear his nasty cloths for a little while. He hated it. This was a child that hated getting dirty when he was 2-5 yrs old. If his shirt got dirty he would take it off and change it himself. Washed his hands several times while playing in the yard.. :)) He works in construction now and that habit has stopped :))

A. if you have had him check by his Dr. or a urologist and nothing is wrong physically, no blockages, or loss of sensations, then make him wear his yucky clothes for a short time. I would also make him change him self and take care of his own messy cloths. He won't like that either.
Also if he is ready for Pre-school and wants to go, then tell him he will not be able to since he still messes up his cloths. That is one of the requirements to attend School, is being able to go to the bathroom on their own.

I wish you the best A., you definitely have a stubborn little guy. Accident happen but I think your little guy is beyond accidents.

God Bless you and Good Luck. Be Positive and Stand your ground.
K. Nana of 5

I was told I would probably have this problem with my then 4 year old daughter, when our son was born, and they were right. It was very frustrating to have such a lapse in "training", since it had been a year since my daughter was potty trained. At this age, and since she'd already been trained for a year, it was mostly just making sure we paid extra attention to her and reminded her often to go to the bathroom. We are coming out of it, now, but it is very frustrating. As reiterated by the other mothers, Sherri's advice is good. When you give the power to your child to decide what their freedoms will be, without blowing up yourself, it's amazing how fast things can turn around. :) I hope this helps and good luck!!