Please Give Me Some Advise

All I can say is I stayed in a similar relationship for 10 years, even had a second child because when I was pregnant the first time he was very affectionate. It didn't change anything. Kids are incredibly resilient. They will cope with it, not to say it won't be difficult at first, but they will be ok.
I am married to an incredible man now who my children love and treats me great. I share 50/50 custody with their dad so they spend plenty of time with each of us. Life goes on and it's ok to want to be happy and loved.
Hope I helped a little. Good luck and be strong.

i think that it is better for your daughter to see her parents happy, rather that sticking it out just for her. it might make her feel some resentment, if you are fighting all of the time. good luck, i know it is tough!

Personally, I think it's time to cut your losses and move on. I met my ex when I was 15, and he was 19. I got pregnant when I was 20, and then we got married. I knew even then that it was a bad decision, but I did it for my son.
Now that I'm on my own I see that that was the worst thing for myself and my son. My son is now thriving, and so am I. His dad actually spends more time with him now than he did when we were together, and is doing a better job as a parent. I am healthier, happier and a better mom.

No one can make the decision for you, but as someone who has been in your shoes, I can tell you that you are still young and deserve better... and it does get better..... just probably not with him.

Good luck, no matter what you decide!

I am a 22 year old mother of 3 boys, ages 4 years, 20 months and 8 months. I just kicked my husband and kids dad of 4 years out a little over a month ago. He put a few things above his family, such as weed, alcohol and his friends. He was always lying about where he was, who he was with and so forth. I couldn't trust him and when I brought up the fact that he lied, I usually would up with all the blame and appologizing to him at the end of the fight. I understand what it's like to not be able to have a good conversation with the man you love..or even a friendship. I don't drink all that often or much, and I don't do drugs at all...so he didn't see me as a friend really because ALL of the friends he has do those things. I'm not sure of your whole situation, but I know for me, I was easy to dump blame on because I took it. I allowed him to use me as an excuse to go out and drink and do drugs, which isn't ok. He did those things because HE couldn't handle the responsibilities of being an adult, not because I was doing anything wrong. My husband is going to be 27 on March 19th, and I'll be 23 in June. It's very hard and if you want to respond, I would love to chat with you, give you support. It's hard being so young and being a mom. I want to rip my hair out some days with my three....or just hide in a dark corner and cry. My email is ____@____.com if you would like to email me. :) Best wishes.

I married my husband that I met at 19 and he was 27. We dated for about 9 months when we decided to move in together and I was pregnant a month later. We fought so much the first two years. It was awful, I was depressed and felt like I had the worst life, when I should have been happy and enjoying my first son. He would come home from work tired and annoyed and not talk to me when i had been home all day be myself waiting for fhim so I could have some company. We are still together and now have another boy, so I have 2 boy, 4 and 6. But life between my husband and I are different and the same now. It's hard to explain.

Without making this really long, I suggest making a list. Why you love him and why you don't - staying with my becuz of the kids does not count. And ask yourself he knows how unhappy you are. Men think differently than women, sometimes they just don't see things the way we do. Calling you names and putting you down in front of the kids is not ok though. I realized that my husband wasn't talking with me becuz he didn't like me, but was so stressed out at work and making sure he made enough money to support us and if he lost his job we didn't have anythng. The stress had just taking over and I wasn't aware how hard it would be to have that on your shoulders.

I would suggest that you tell him how you feel, not when he first comes home from work. I know how hard that is, I seemed like every time I said something it started a huge fight, but then when I told him I was tried of this and was thinking about leaving he was shocked he had no idea I felt that way. And we sat down and talked for hours. Things arent' perfect, but in marrage I don't think they ever are. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but I can't imagine life without him either.

Good luck to you. Don't make your decision on your kids, make it for yourself. If your not happy, your kids won't be and that more damaging than anything.

Hey C.,

Well...I have to tell you when I ready your thing I saw myself in you. I am 27 and my husband is 30. I have been with him for 8 yrs now and we have a beautiful 5yr old daughter. We constantly fight..over stupid little things and he tells me that I am no good and my daughter sees it. She automatically looks at me and tells me that she loves me. He tells me that he is going to leave one of these days and I just look at him and tell him fine because it is pointless to make him stay when I am in a loveless marriage. My point to you is you know your unhappy...dont just stay for the baby because you would both be better off without him. I am staying and it is doing nothing for me but making me soo unhappy that one of these days I am gonna just run...so...email me if ya want to . and we can talk more
Krissy

The best thing I can say is to follow your heart. You and your daughter both deserve better. If you are unhappy and he won't talk about it try counseling. If that doesn't work then you can and should walk away. More damage will be done to you and your daughter by staying with the fighting. This is a horribly hard situation I know, I am in a similar one right now. If you wanna talk some more feel free to message me. HUGS for you and your baby girl.

-L.

well you should think whats going to be best for the long run not just for you daughter but for yourself too. Maybe u guys should go to counseling that might help. I live in union city california and soon moving to fremont and if u need someone to talk to email me @ ____@____.com and we can talk. I have 2 girls and if u live near fremont we should get together at the park and let them play. well good luck

Dear C.,

You sound like I did, two years ago. I was involved with a man that made me cry everyday. We had only know each other for two months before I found out I was pregnant...with twins! But I stayed with him, despite his tearing me down and manipulating my very exsistance! I did it for the babies. Well, that didn't last for long...the twins were ten months old when I got out. It's hard sometimes, raising them alone...but I didn't want my kids to see their mom cry everyday! Now, I have my own home-based business and my kids are happy and healthy. We are doing 100% better now than when we were with him. They still see their dad but it's on my terms...if he says one wrong word; he is shown the door! My advice to you is to get out, get some counseling, and take care of your daughter by yourself! Go get custody of her and a woman's shelter will help you, if you need a place to stay! You might still love him...but he's not good for you. Take care and keep the faith!
Good luck to you, L.

I am in the same boat! I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 24. We have been together for 9 years and married for 5, my son is now 4 1/2. I think my issue may be a little different than what you are going through, but I do think it is important for all of us Moms to understand we are not alone. Does your Man do things with your Daughter? By themselves? Not include you? Or is it you always doing things with your Daughter by yourself? Sorry I dont want to intrude more than I should, but I just maybe had a thought that you and I are in a quite smiular situation. I think to myself EVERYDAY why am I here? I am not sure if it is a POWER thing with older men and younger women, but I do know that I feel impowerless. Not that I need to feel the "power" I would just like to feel like a part of the family I created! Are you feeling the same? Life is precious and if we are not happy, we as strong women need to make ourselves happy... Girls trip! When I need a shoulder I turn to my friends and Family to help me thought it, but sometimes there is no through it! You should never have to feel trapped... This was not God's intentions when he made man and women. I am not sure if your are spritual or not but I do beleive that nothing can help more than having the Lord on your side!

If you would like to talk more I am here!

M.
____@____.com

honey, it is just my experience that if you stay in an unhappy marriage you create an unhappy and unhealthy environment. soon the silence will turn to anger and arguments. do you truly think that it is better to raise your child in such an environment than to divorce and be happy? and let your child be raised by, if not two happy parents, at least by one?
staying in a marriage "for the child's sake" is wrong. a child needs a happy home life and if that marriage is everything but happy, get out. marriage is not a life sentence, it is a choice.
a little about me, my ex husband is an alcoholic and for years I tried to make it work "for the child's sake". my child became a nervous wreck of a kid. since the divorce I can truly state everyone is doing much better and my child is happy.
K.

Been there done that. The thing that you need to remember, what helped me was/is

" It's better to be happy ALONE then unhappily together!".

It will be hard but you will be happier, and you have us at momsource!

If he realy loves you guys he will try, but don't give in to fast! I am going through the same thing right now, since August.
Trust me he is trying now and he better keep it up. We both have to work on our selves and our relationship.
You need to do what is best for your daughter and she should not grow up seeing that. She will most likely have a relationship the same as yours is at this time.

I am giving you this advice not from the moms point of view but as the childs. The absolute worst thing you can do for your daughter is stay in a relationship you are unhappy in because you being unhappy and her seeing you treated this way and hearing the fighting and feeling the tension will do more harm to her than good. You're better off on your own and happy because it will impact her life a whole lot more thanhaving both parents My parents stayed together for the kids but everyone knew how unhappy they were together including me starting at a young age and therefore I was unhappy just being in the house but my life and my parents life was s much happier when they finally divorced and it kind of sucked going back and forth from parent to parent but in a way it was good. I met more friends at their houses and I got different quality time with the each of them since they focused more on me and not on their crappy relationship at home together. Hope this helps and good luck

Tell him you want to go to counseling. You are right you can't let your daughter grow up thinking being put down is normal and if that doesn't work try to seperate. I was constintly put down by my ex-husband and that's why I left him, my son is some much better off, my new husband treats me great. Only now after 5 years has my ex admited that what he did was wrong. If he loves you and you love him and your both willing to work on the problems each of you have, then counseling should work.

Men usually perceive love different from women. There is hope in staying. Take the 'higher' road and show him love which to a man is respect. Even if you feel he doesn't deserve respect. Show it anyway. You just might be surprised. Men like to know they are appreciated. Tell him how you appreciate him being a good provider. Think of the things you appreciate about him and tell him those things. This is the book that helped me and still does:
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Ne...

Dear C.,

Yeeeesssss, it is hopeless to stay. I tried for 29 years and 6 months to make a good home for my children with a man that was like your husband. It didn't work, and it ruined my relationship with my son. He took up some of his father's attitudes toward me. It was not the right thing for me to do, but I was unadvised, and unsupported by the community, family, and so on and la, la.

Now you have been warned and supported and you need to find a lady that is about 50 or 60 or even more, and confide in her. Go to church and one will appear - those church ladies, especially Methodists are a little bit hard to get to know, but it is well worth the try, they are REAL and not judgemental and have been through their own version of, shall we say Hell? An old saying is that every mother needs a mother, that means someone who will support, guide, be loving and understanding, and NOT JUDGEMENTAL. Good hunting.

You are young enough that you can go to school at a Jr. College or Trade School or on line and get some skills for the business world today.

You don't have to tell anyone, except very special friends that you know will not spread gossip, and make your plans very carefully so that you and your daughter will not have to suffer from lack of a home and food.

Good Luck, Remember do not wait 29 years and 6 months! C. N.

C., I got married when I was 18, I was really young! but we stayed married for 9 years. After that we both realized that we were sooooooooo miserable because we thought staying together was the best option for the kids, but in reality......they new we were not happy and it made them feel uncomfortable.

I would suggest getting some couseling and find out if the right thing for both of you..... is work it out or end it.

It's OK to sometimes get a divorce and go our seperate ways, this for us was a huge weight off both our shoulders. We got married because we were pregnant and we thought we were in love but we hadn't even lived life to know what love was......

best wishes
feel free to write if you need more advice.
JP

My dear, I know exactly what you're going through. My husband and I met 9 years ago, and have been together ever since. We have a 5 year old daughter, and a 19 month old son. We haven't really spoken for years. Our interests are nothing alike, and I'm tired of the anger, and the fights, and the no communication. I have been staying with him for the sake of the kids, and I have realized that it's actually worse for the kids to grow up in a home with no love, then in a home where the parents are seperated. I have come to terms with the decision to end my marriage. I talked with my husband about this decision for about an hour, and in that time, he managed maybe 10 words, and said nothing else. We talked about this 2 weeks ago, and he refuses to say anything more on the subject. I understand that it is a hard decision for you to make, but I feel that staying together for the sake of the children, is actually more harmful then anyone realizes. My husband comes home from work, and is extremely angry. When he is like this, I in turn get angry, and our daughter becomes angry, and will then bite, hit, or push her little brother. A happy loving home is the best situation for the children, physically and psycologically. I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

You are right. Your daughter will soon learn and seek the same type of male in her life learning it from her dad. She will think it is normal and may already believe that it is. Get everything together and be brave enough to leave. File for child support (District of Attorney) It would be really helpful if you knew his SSN. The process would be a lot smoother. Do not EVER think for one second you have to be with him for your daughter. He is hurting your daughter more now and it will continue to get worse. Be strong stand up for yourself and walk out the door.

It does'nt sound like your married and he is older than you so he should have known better. Im not saying it's right to do but sometimes you are better off doing it alone. We all want our children to have both parents but if both parents dont work at the relationship then it becomes hard for them to really show their children how to be in a healthy relationship themselves. I think you can do it on your own but do some planning first and make sure you have people that you trust who will be there to help you when you get everything ready to leave. It's not easy being a single parent but lots of single parents have gone through what youre about to do. Hang in there and maybe try counseling first, if it still does'nt bring about change then i believe you already know what to do next.

i know how you feel, my husband does nothing but work and we have no real time together. but i try to remember that he is working to provide for us and that is his way of showing love. men and women are different and he may not know what you want or it may just not be part of who he is or his character. plus maybe you just don't know what he wants and if you found out you could work on it and see the response from him. also if you're trying to talk about your problems with him when he has come home from work tired then he will take that as an attack and fight, even though thats not what your intention is, trust me i know from exprience. I suggest reading fascinating womanhood by helen andelin, it talks about how a man thinks and how he sees you and how to really make him understand you. He definitely should not put you down though, that needs to change for sure. sounds like something a man would do only if he was unhappy with himself or his life. it's not about you and its not personal, though ofcourse it feels that way. plus if you feel like you have to stay with him then he probably knows that and that just makes it worse. try to remember the good things about him and what attracted you to him in the first place, but don't stay in an abusive relationship. Hope this helps.

I was in the same situation. You need to think sbout your happiness and of your daughter. Get out of the realtionship. Its just going to drain you out. You guys just have to set a schedule of when and who gets to spend time with your daughter. Cause if you stay you will be miserable. If you get out you'll be miserable for a bit because its sad it had to go this way, but atleast you will have that opportunity to be happy one day... Or talk to him, does he really love you is he willing to make things work... It is really hard, especially when you really love him and you want to have your family together.. I know because I am living it....

Nothing is ever hopeless as long as you BOTH plan on working on, one piece of advise that I always give.
Never be in a relationship you do not want your children in, because they will repeat the cycle, if you would hate for your daughtr to be in the relationship you are in then end it.
Make sure that you can co parent effectivly, sometimes after a break up not only can you be friends if each of you takes in to consideration that you are stuck together for at leat 15 more years

C.,

I am 23 almost 24 and I am kind of in the same situation. Although, my husband and I are only 5 years apart... I sometimes feel as if I am not existent in the house and when I am most of the time we argue. My husband is 28 and is all about playing video games on the computer. Our son is 3 now and he is feeling it as well. Everytime my husband raises his voice my son shuts down. Before giving up on the relationship altogether, I would suggest marriage counseling. I know people look at it as a bad thing, but it isnt. it is a way for you to get what you want to say out without feeling like you are going to get yelled at or in an argument. Maybe this is a way for you to find out why he the way he is with you. Always remember that you have the love of your daughter. No matter what happens in this situation she will always love you. She will always be your pride and joy. I look at my son and dont know what I would do without him. When my husband and I argue, I think of his smiling face and I drowned out the yelling. I grew up in a family where my mom was the yeller and I never wanted that in my house. I never wanted my children to grow up like that. I want to wish you the best of luck, and please let me know if things start to get better. I am really sorry you are so unhappy. It is no way to have to live.

V.