Please Don't Discipline My Child

Why didn't you talk about it on the spot? I would have asked immediately what was going on. The only reason for that would be if the child put himself or another child in danger - maybe he was clobbering another? You never know.

I would call her up and ask her to please explain what happened. In the old days ( when I was a kid) parents would all help discipline each others children. It was common for the neighbor to tell a child - "apologize to Suzie", or "Go on Time out for hitting Johnny" or whatever. It was actually comforting to know that all adults looked out for each others' kids.

Talk to her. This is a case where you're justified in bringing up the matter directly. Say, "Oh, by the way, I saw you putting my son in time out. What happened?" and proceed from there. Sometimes kids act differently when parents aren't around, and other grownups need to intervene. Or maybe she has different rules for behavior than you do.

Did you ask her what he had done to deserve such a response? If not, ask her next time it happens, if it happens and then go from there...

My friends and i all discipline each other's children. Its village parenting. It means that when we're together we share the load of child care, and also that all the kids learn that all the adults have some authority. I think its a wonderful solution. Chances are, your friend was trying to help while you were busy.

It does require a few things. 1) Do your level best never to step on the actual parents' toes - don't contradict them, don't give a correction when they are already on top of it, etc. 2) Learn your friend's preferred correction style, and help them learn yours. 3) Mostly our corrections are reminders or requests. Dangerous behavior gets treated with removal from the location. And something that merits more than a quick intervention is referred to the actual parent anyway.

I bet part of your problem is that you wouldn't have roughly removed your kid and put him in the corner. Part of the solution is to talk to you friend, and say 'i prefer that this type of behavior be managed in this way...' No matter what the deeper issues involved, some talking is in order before you declare the friendship over.

Bottom line for me: If I leave my child in your care, unless I have specified how I want him disciplined should something happen, it's in their hands. After all, they're doing you the favor of watching your kid, if only for a bathroom break. Even if I just turn my back and miss something, I fully EXPECT other parents to step in so my son isn't getting away with something behind my back of which I don't approve.

My good friends and I discipline each others children all the time. Did you son do something worth getting in trouble for? I personally think that it's great that other people are willing to help my child stay in line and learn the rules. Good communication is key here. I think you need to talk to your friend.

Another question to ask is - 'Was he doing something that would make him or her child unsafe?' I think it is totally ok to discpline other people's kids. I mean, within limits.

Removing a child from an unsafe situtation should totally be the right thing to do. If she didnt and let one of the kids be hurt, that would be WAY worse.

J. - I guess it would all depend. You didn't let us know what she said had happened.
If I had gone to the bathroom and my child decided to pick up a train and whack some other kid in the head then I certainly think it would be fine for my girlfriend to take the train from my son and put him in timeout. Just because mom is gone doesn't mean that the child can behave inappropriately.
Was she "yanking" your son because he was throwing a tantrum?
There really isn't enough info to go on for me to be able to tell you what I think.
But, as much as I am not a fan of Hillary Clinton (sorry!!), "it takes a village"
L.

Well, I can sure see both sides of the issue, if I fill in details. Which you haven't really given, so this is only one possible interpretation.

It would have been wiser for the other mom to wait until you came back, UNLESS you had been letting your little angel get away with behavior that other parents or children found distressing, but couldn't figure out how to ask you politely to get the little guy under better control yourself.

You were there; we weren't. Is there a possibility you are underreacting to your son's behavior and overreacting to the other mom's response? It's a common pattern. I have frequently watched parents be amazingly indulgent about their kids' behavior while everyone around them was biting back incredulity and anger.

If this is not the case, then I would tell the other mom pretty much what you told us. You feel angry and upset because she reprimanded your son (and perhaps did so with inappropriate physical force?), and you would like the full story. Period. Without that information, you have no real basis for knowing whether her intentions, however poorly acted out, were good or not.

I tend to agree that misbehavior, whether in children or adults, is something that others should probably address. If a child in my presence is acting in a way that's causing distress to others, I am likely to speak to the child and ask for better behavior, though I wouldn't yank her unless it was to prevent danger to herself or others. Likewise, if I see a parent treating a child thoughtlessly or cruelly, I am very likely to say something.

I've had a number of parents mad at me over the years, but I can take that more easily than worrying that I should have spoken but was afraid to. We all have to live together on this planet. Why should we condone bad behavior with our silence? We all have to live with the consequences of turning away and pretending it's not our business. In that light, you may not wish to pretend you didn't see what happened if the other mom was truly out of line. And she may not have been able to pretend your little guy was being a good citizen.

it sounds like both of you are frustrated and angry. I really think that after you have calmed down/taken a break that you two need to sit down, without the kids, and acknowlege that you have a disagreement and air it out. She is probably also upset with you and you both need to listen to each other's concerns and then agree on how you will handle the kids' playing together in the future, specifically related to discipline and injury.

If your child is hurting hers and you aren't there to discipline your own kid, then she has no choice but to intervene. She should not however he yanking your kid around or enforcing timeouts... just gently scolding or removing your child until you come back to handle it yourself. This woman obviously thought you guys were close enough to get away with full fledged discipline. The only advice I've got is to let it go and take your child with you next time. You son will eventually need to learn to accept correction from many different adults. I am sure it meant nothing out of the ordinary to him. If he thinks he can get away with anything when you are not there, then he won't be able to have playdates or go to preschool without being a tyrant.

Rather than rehash the incident, another option is to simply use it as a cue to watch more closely in the FUTURE your friend's interactions with your child and her child. If you feel she is overly harsh, then you could limit your exposure to her.

Or you could say, "It upset me to see you grabbing my son -- what was going on? Why did you do that?" Then hear her out. Listen to her FULLY. don't interrupt to get all protective. Maybe she has a legitimate reason -- after all, you were in the bathroom and unavailable. If not, just say, "Next time, let me know and I will take care of it."

The people I feel comfortable leaving my child with, or taking my child with me to see them, I feel comfortable with their level of control & style of discipline. It is such a RELIEF to be around people who pay attention to the children and feel free to dive in and sort things out. That way ALL of us get to relax a bit.

Personal Anecdote Time:

I'm afraid I have the opposite problem right now...friends who's son is a bully, and they NEVER discipline him when he's hurting other kids physically or emotionally(they don't want him to feel he's having his judgment questioned...umm...hello...he's 4. He SHOULD be having his judgment questioned). At the park they even laugh when he makes another kid cry. He's not a "mean" kid, he's just NEVER been taught what is okay and not okay (they don't want to hurt his self esteem). They laugh, to CHEER HIM OUT OF FEELING BAD for hurting another kid. Sheesh.

These have been great friends of ours, but needless to say, we don't see them that often anymore. I'm sorry...HOW many times exactly did you think we were going to let your kid hurt our kid...and have you do nothing? Yeah, he's active...but not as active as MINE...and active does not translate into mean. Their kid is only active WHEN he's being mean or throwing a fit to get his way. The rest of the time he's super mellow. Sigh.

Over the weekend we were with some friends from out of town, and WHAT a difference. 8 kids, tears & fighting a few times, but all over accidents. No one got shoved down the stairs. Susie didn't get her hair pulled and brushed off while the pullee got to keep the toy he'd snatched from her when he pulled her hair. Nearest parent just waded in. Sometimes me, sometimes others. 15 parents, 3 grandparents. It was the most relaxed I've been in months. Whew. Soooooo nice.

First I was going to say, did you ask why she was disciplining your child? When you ask someone to watch your child while you even just step into the bathroom, you are kind of giving them the power to remove your child from a situation if it is called for.

I read the response from Kathy and I too had read your previous issue with this friend.

I can see a couple of issues here. Your perception and hers are very differnt. Did you find out what it was that your friend felt it warented yanking your child from the table? is it possible that your emotions have you a bit sensative and viewed it as "yanking" and not just seeing the end of a bit of power struggle? Have you ever told your son that he needs to listen to your friend when you are stepped away even for a minute?

I can understand your situation, truely. I have 3 boys and I have been on both sides of these issues. I have been in situations repeatedly with friends that have kids that are a bit out of control as your friend may feel your son is and I too have a child that is a bit out of control and I am still trying to find what will work for him to help get him to settle down.

You need to talk to your friend. Her suggestion on a book may be the one, you never know. But also, you need to let her know what your expectations are if you step in the bathroom. Try to come to an understanding, If this is friend worth keeping. These are only things you can decide. None of us were there to see it for our selves and we only have your side to go off of. It is really hard because you love your son, but maybe you need to try to take a step back and try to evaluate the whole situation from what is being seen. Be cosistant with your son and be prepared to leave if he is not bahaving. If you enjoy spending time with your friend, maybe you need to do some time without kids. Go to lunch or dinner and just dont have the kids around for a time and see if you two can get along without the kids.

Good Luck

Okay, I read your first inquiry and now this. You have obviously let things go too far withoout talking to her about them. She's not a mindreader; and neither are you. That's why you need to talk this out. Tell her how her comments/actions make you feel-- in polite terms with solving the issue in mind not just venting your anger.

If after a heart to heart talk she still criticizes you/your son it's time to move on. Parenting is hard enough without being judged by our friends: our supossed support group.

This a turning point in your friendship. Do you want to be better friends with this woman? We all make mistakes in judgement. Accept her fully. In an earnest effort, express yourself to her and tell her what you are feeling, while owning your own stuff. If she can't listen to you, she will turn away. Your child is not damaged. But in every relationship, we come to the fork in the road that asks us "Is this relationship worth nurturing: working through the tough spots together?" Most people abandon ship. If both people are "in" great things happen. We all can be intentional about investing in our "friends".

Whew--- I don't blame you for being upset ( and, yes- I KNOW that's only the tip of the iceberg) -- no one has a right to ''lay hands'' on your little one without your permission --- and she surely didn't have it.
What was she thinking??? -- she wasn't ( it sounds to me) -- she was reacting in anger/frustration/temper/irritation---all she had to do was wait for you to come out --- and perhaps stand between him and the train table if he was really acting badly. She decided to put him in the corner ((( NOT her call)))))

I'll ''hear'' your explitives and teach you to fingerspell - then you can curse as much as you want --- and no one will know.

What to do??? -- whew -- e-mail her ( so you can scream- but she will only ''hear''' the words you type and say
''
Please do not put my child in the corner - if you have a problem with his behaviour- please wait for me to deal with him. I was really upset when I saw you yanking him into the corner. Please don't do that''''' She will certainly ''get '' 'that you are furious - but that's ok- she needs to know that.

Blessings,
Old Mom - aka - J.

If you didn't ask her what caused her to do that then you need to do it asap, otherwise you will brew. Here you are going to get a lot of advice and will get more worked up about it.
If you didn't like her reason/explanation, then I think it is acceptable to say that if that situation happens again, please allow me to take care of/discipline my child.
Seeing things versus hearing things can totally make the difference. Maybe she wasn't yanking him away rather than trying to move him and he was resisting. I am completely sure you were caught off guard, therefore made it hard to broach the subject immediately. But if this is a friendship you value, talk about it immediately.
If she gets offended, you might need to find a new friend.
I think most people would not choose to discipline another child unless the parent has said it was fine. Unless the situation completely was worthy - say the child was hitting others - then she should have waited however and let you address it.

Without knowing the whole story it's tough to advise. I agree with the others that you need to let her know you were upset. If it's possible do it calmly and face to face without the kids present. Lay out ground rules for what you are comfortable with her doing.

If he wasn't harming himself or others you could suggest that she get down on his level and talk to him saying 'I don't like what you're doing - let's talk to your mommy about it.' Then she can stay there and gently show him what's appropriate for the area or situation.

If he's harmful to himself or others he should be directed away from the area. Not yanked. My son likes to hit and we often have to remove him by picking him up in a bear hug full tantrum. Not hurting him, not allowing him to hurt us.

Either way it sounds like it's time to set boundaries. If she's a good friend she'll respect your rules as a parent. As you would respect hers. If this is the same friend you posted about before - it may be time to end the friendship.

It depends on how long you have known you friend. One thing to do is let them know that you appreciate their friendship, however, you want to be the only one who disciplines your child when you are there. That is the best way to handle this type of situation and maintain a positive outcome. Good luck!!

Unless you want to confront her and ask her why she removed your son from the train table and why she yanked him into a corner and tell her that you don't give her permission to do that in the future and probually loss her friendship, I would avoid being in play time with her and her child and find people you can relate to better. I'm assuming this is the same friend from an earlier post.

Is this the same friend with the darn parenting books?

Either way, tell her that you and only you (or husband) will discipline your child. There is no excuse for anyone removing a child from anything unless they are hurting themselves or others and its easier for them to just remove their own kid until you come back from the restroom. Then you have the opportunity to discipline your child if so.

Yep, your gonna have to start telling her immediately of your feelings, or make some changes in your friendship or your time together.

Well going off of your other post and not knowing the whole situation I feel she might have had a good reason for taking your child away from the table. As you say is has a little energy! As far as Yanking (if this is as harsh as you make it sound) that should not happen but depending upon what he did I feel that a child should and can be disciplined by another parent as long as no hitting/spanking is involved. And coming from someone who watching another friends children I can tell you first hand that if you try hard enough and work hard enough children can be taught to behave better! It just takes a lot of hard work on the parents end!

First off I would be as polite as I can be and ask her why I had just seen her yank my son away from what he was doing. If she has a good reasonable answer I would then acknowledge that she was probably right in removing my son from the area but...I would tell her to do it in a better way then yanking him away unless she had to do that for his safety. If she had no good reason to remove him from the area then I would tell her that I do not want her to do that again without a good reason. If she continues in this manner for no good reason then I would not leave my son with her and maybe I would even reconsider my friendship with her.