Piggyback Question: Families with Little to No Help from Extended Family...

All of my family lives here but if we wanted a date night back in the day we hired a sitter.

My dad will watch the kids if we are in a bind but he is my dad, not my sitter.

We have no extended family in the area, and it's hard as hell. They are all a plane ride away (not even an easy day's drive). My husband and I finally (after five years) had two nights away when I asked my mom if she'd be willing to come up and watch the kids for a couple of days. It was the best thing ever!!! But, it will be rare. We also rarely get date nights, since babysitters are so danged expensive (not saying they're not worth it, but it is a lot of $$).

It's particularly hard since my parents live near my brother and his wife and 7 yo. They actually followed them when my brother's family moved. So my parents watch my nephew all the time, often even overnight. Sometimes it seems unfair, but frankly I live in a place I love, and I don't want to live where they are, so it's my choice in the end.

I'll just have to pony up more money for sitters. gah!

I love it when you said, no unsolicited opinions, no aggravation and it's quite peaceful because I fall in the same category.

We don't live within 5 hours of any family either. Well, we had a sibling and their family move about 70 minutes away last year, but they have 3 kids of their own, and now that ours are older we are on the "giving" end, not the "receiving" end when it comes to helping out with the kids.

I just roll my eyes when someone starts complaining about mom/dad/sister whoever not being willing to babysit for them. Ugh. It isn't their JOB. If you want a sitter, hire one. That's what we had to do if we needed time away without the kids. I have no sympathy. Can't afford to hire one? Have any friends?
I really do see it as if people don't take any personal responsibility any more. Everyone feels "owed" something. You have the kids. You figure out somebody to watch them if you want to go/do without them. Or, you don't go. It's that simple. It's called sacrifice. That's what we do for our kids. We sacrifice our selfish independent selves who now have to put another little person before our selves.
It isn't that complicated.

I've been on my own since my first marriage. My parents lived in Los Angeles and we moved to San Francisco and then to Europe.

Now my parents are on the other side of the U.S. and my husband's family is 8 hours north and 11 hours south. My MIL (died in '06) and FIL are NOT involved in their grandchildren's life - they are "seen but not heard" - even if we did live close - there is NO WAY they would have offered to watch them so we could go on a date. Before my MIL died in '06, my kids got to see her MAYBE 6 times in their lives. They would talk on the phone - but really? They were 6 and 4 so it's not like they remember her much.

My parents talk with the kids at least once a week. IF we skype'd I'm sure they would do that too. My family and I are VERY close - we talk frequently on the phone - if not daily. My husband's family is "no news is good news".

How do I cope? I just do. This is the way our life is. It's my job to be a parent. I have friends that I go out with and I have friends that we take turns in watching kids so we can go out as a couple and do things.

I have my parents 15 minutes away but they have a new business plus work in their church. They are super busy so they don't do much in the way of childcare (once in a blue moon). The in laws are 3 hours away and they watch SILs kids, so also not much there either. But both sides do help a little here and there.
1) We don't go out alot.
2) We socialize with other families with kids and bring the kids over, and the kids play and grownups can hang out.
3) Once in a while we get babysitting.

We're making it work. :-)

Our families ARE around and we don't "count" on them to watch our child for our "date" or "couple" time.
We pay a sitter.

I hate when I hear people saying things like that--or worse--using the threat "I'm not going to let them watch my kids anymore!" "Whooooooo--I bet they're SO scared!" LOL

There's a lot of satisfaction to be found in taking care of your own, don't you think? As you mentioned...no "free" advice, etc. And, yes, I do think it makes the families that WE make stronger!

My family is not available for much help, and that's fine. Dad lives a few hours away and Mom is close, but so mentally ill we do not have contact for good, healthy reasons...My in-laws are in Florida and we see them every 1.5-2 years or so.They (and my own parents) have no desire to do the childcare stuff or to take Kiddo for a while, so we are really 'on our own'.

Our first year or two with Kiddo was hard. 24/7 parenting. As he got older, one of the honorary "aunties" would help us out from time to time by giving us date nights or being a 'third parent' at events (we'd pay her way and we'd all trade off doing child care) was really helpful. A family I nannied with for years, (I'd become very close with the mother--she's one of the 'aunties' now) is extended family to our son-- the girls I once cared for now babysit from time to time and they take him out to do fun things.

We also found a like-minded, neat family in the neighborhood; a while after the mother and I had cemented our friendship over time and drinks out, ha ha, her stay-at-home husband provided Kiddo with aftercare for preschool for a year while I was working, and we swap care a lot. Their daughter has become a sibling-of-sorts for Kiddo, which is great as we are both families with 'only' children.

We are happy with this arrangement. For, as many times as we'd love more of a break as parents, we don't have the drama and hassles that would come with having our particular families close by. Like you mentioned, not having everyone's fingers in the kettle and all of their opinions really helps us be clear about what we want to do as a family. We, the three of us, love each other very much, and now that Kiddo's five and feeling comfortable going off to play by himself for 45 minutes or so at a time, it's a lot easier. Although I am dearly going to miss preschool this summer! :) --I'll also love the longer days for adventures we can do around town now that he's a bit more mature.

I like the way you are both at peace with the way things are for you! There are so many posts all the time that fuss about how grandparents (or aunts/uncles/cousins/friends) won't help people with their kids. But why does everyone seem to expect that other adults, even one's own parents, want to do that or have time or energy? Like you, we have to be at peace with having no family help and we are fine that way. My parents are both dead, and when my mom was alive, I never, ever would have expected her to pitch in to help with my child when we visited there; it was fun grandmother-and-granddaughter time, not "I'm bringing her here so you can babysit" time. And my husband's parents live thousands of miles away overseas and both have always had health issues, so our focus on those visits is just spending good, positive time with them. My brother adores our daughter and has fun with her when we visit him (four hours away) but I know he has zero experience with kids of any age, so it's just a fun visit with zero expectations of help and no resentment on our end that he doesn't come up here to help, whatever that would mean.

Our relationships in our family are excellent on both sides because we don't have expectattons of help or babysitting. They'd love to do it, but health issues and distance mean it doesn't happen and we don't feel put out by that like some parents seem to feel.

I didnt work for the first 5 years while raising my two boys, they were 11 mos apart.
It just never seemed like a struggle to me. Granted we didnt go out much, but once we had kids going out didnt seem that important to us. If we went somewhere we took them with, they were pretty easy kids and easily adapted to different surroundings.
We tent camped a lot, went to the drive in once in awhile. I dont ever recall feeling like I was missing out on life, honestly. I made friends with other gals with kids the same age as ours and that's who we would hang out with for bbq's or a night of TV and chat.
When the entire family would be sick with colds or flu, we just managed to muddle through it.
I never left my kids with sitters, had no reason to.
Once I started working again, I do recall having that overwhelmed feeling from time to time. Seems like it was a lot harder to keep up with laundry and I struggled with getting grocery shopping done on time and dinners on the table after a long day at work. But by then the boys were old enough to start learning how to do many things themselves and I just incorporated that into the daily life and stuff worked out pretty well.
It's a lot about attitude. Kids didnt ask to be brought into this world so we shouldnt resent them taking up our time..... I feel like that happens a lot to many families--- Mom gets pissed off because her life changed and gets jealous of dad because he doesnt step up to the plate. I was fortunate to have a husband that agreed with me on many of the ways to handle home situations after the kids were born.

I've experienced both sides of it. With my first child from my previous marriage, I had tons of help from both sets of grandparents. It was really nice and very much appreciated. Now, years later, in my second marriage we have a 9 year old and a 2 year old. At the beginning with my 9 year old I still had some help from the grandparents however now unfortunately there is no more help. My mom passed in 2008 and my husbands parents (stepmom & dad) have both passed in the past couple of years. His bio mom lives in another state and is in poor health. My dad lives in another city about 4 hours away. We have no one else that we can depend on for any help. I will say that it hurts to not have them around anymore and not just because of the help but because they are just missed. Of course if I could choose which way I would like for it to be, I would of course choose to have them all around.

I never had any expectations of help from extended family. My own family is pretty dysfunctional, and my in laws are great, but an hour and a half away, so day to day we were always "on our own."
I have a good friend who bitches and moans all the time about how little her in laws take her kids overnight. I'm thinking, why should they?! I think it's great when grandparents are loving and involved but I certainly wouldn't EXPECT it.
And you're right, I think it's good for a young couple to have only each other to rely on, it makes you stronger and more committed, not only to your children, but to your marriage :)

Here's another spin to things. I am a grandmother who wanted to move closer to the grandson when he was little - couldn't get grandpa to budge. A few years later grandpa sees the error of his ways but we can't afford to move now due to health issues and home prices.

When I grew up I saw a lot of young mothers who would "dump" their kids off on their parents on weekends without any notice just to go off and do their thing. Parents are working full time jobs Monday through Friday. This would mean that the parents would have to change whatever they had planned to watch the grandkids and parents won't mention how they feel about being put out to their children.

Yes, society has changed from the 1950s and I remember my mom being home and not working. She did work until I came along and became a stay at home mom as expected back then.

Fast forward Women's Lib and the changes we see today. Independence and women no longer wanted to stay home and just be moms they wanted to do things and explore and experience life and did and they burned their bras.. Fast food became a way of life instead of the homemade meal each night. They discovered that they could many things a man could do and do them as well and sometimes better and wanted the pay to go with it. So now we have the working mom vs the stay at home mom and who is better question. It is up to the woman.

Responsibility is the key. When you have a child it is your responsibility to provide for that child. It is great if you have the village but many times the village fails the child. Adults now days (aged 55 to 63) are just beginning to be able to do the things they wanted to do but postponed because of children.

Yes it is nice to have help but you can't count on it being there. You have to put in place people you can trust like neighbors or daycare centers and baby sitters so that you can get out. Put a little money away each paycheck or grocery day so that you can go out and enjoy a date without having a meltdown that no one is available to watch baby for three hours.

I would love to be close to my future grandchildren whenever they show up. I have told my children that I will ask to have them come over and not just dump them off so they can go out and have fun. Sorry. I have a life that includes children and I love my children but my children are not my life. This is something that many young women don't see when children are little. They are wrapped up in the motherhood thing and forget that they are a woman and a wife and then a mother.

An odd example is the fact that we were stationed overseas and a wife came to our base to shop and stopped at my house and tried to drop off her son (age 6 months). I asked her where was she going and she said to the Commissary and I told her to take her son with her. She looked so surprised at me that I would just not want to watch her child. First off I didn't know what his habits were and it was an inconvenience I had not planned for. So this might be where a lot of older parents don't want to watch kids. It's like a business plan or schedule and we will gladly accommodate but just don't drop in unless it is an emergency with lots of blood and guts.

The other S.

PS The older you get the less patience you have for younger kids and they are not a joy to have around with all their energy.

We have a great relationship with all of our family, but the closest set of grandparents is 400 miles away.

How do we cope? We have to pay babysitters for our date nights, appts, etc. We talk on the phone when we need their support or ideas, and we Skype so our kids can keep a close visual connection as well.

Actually, I prefer some distance in some respects because I don't have to deal with a lot of the family drama that seems to happen when the family is TOO close. This will be changing soon, as my in-laws are aging and once we build a new home, they will be living with us (again.)

my family wasn't horribly far away when we had tinies, but not close enough to be very useful. my MIL came up and helped me for the first week i brought my younger son home (and she was wonderful), and my in-laws and parents very very occasionally took the boys for weekends. but they certainly weren't around to do regular daycare while we worked or to give us date nights. we relied on babysitters and nurseries.
i'm always a little amused when i hear a young parent say self-righteously 'i would NEVER leave my baby with anyone but a trusted family member.'
you would if you had no choice!
:) khairete
S.

We are like you we have three kids are oldest is seven years old. We have never really lived by family (we did for a short while after a job move).

Anyhow I am a part of a few moms groups which is wonderful...some of these moms and I are close enough that when we need help at 2am we just call, seriously I have had to take advantage of this oppotunity myself once. Wonderful group of ladies.

My hubby also has a group of guys he goes out with neighbors and friends from church every thursday night. and then of course I get my moms-night-outs. not as frequent though

I have been the one home for the last 7 years. We think it has been a wonderful thing for our family (our family of five) we have our own thoughts, our own rules, and their is no drama! (except when we visit for holidays!!)

Like you I can count easily the times we have been out without the kids. I think the last time was my husbands birthday 2 years ago. That was maybe for an hour and a half while my FIL came over and sat with the kids - it literally was for dinner. Date night?? What is that? I hear that all of the time. We socialize with other families with kids our age. If my husband wants to do something it's me and the kids or vice versa. My husband and I do not have the best relationship anyway so I cope with stress by talking to my neighbor after the kids go to bed. We may have a drink or two on Friday evenings and chat.

We just do it. I can't even imagine us doing otherwise.
Your paragraph about how independent you and your husband are sounds a lot like us.

Spending time watching movies and playing video games isn't shameful. I think it's cool. If that's the way you and your Mr like to relax then that's great. It all about spending time together and connecting. :)

I've yet to come across a reliable AND willing babysitter. I relieve stress by reading, writing, strumming my guitar, watching chick flicks and doing yoga. When it's me and my husband we talk, dance and watch movies or TV shows (online). He also does music and plays video games. :)

My mom has made it clear from the beginning (like, highschool) that when I eventually had kids, she would be happy to be Grandma, but she would NOT be a babysitter, and she has stuck by that. My son has spent the night with her maybe 3 times because I asked, the rest of the time, she asks me if she can have him.

My MIL ran an in home daycare until March 2011, so from the time he was 8 weeks old until March a year ago, he went there every week day, but she was getting paid for it, and she never kept just him, there were always other kids around.

Very occasionally, hubby and I will decide to have a dinner and a movie night and will leave our 5 yo home with the 16 yo and 14 yo.

When I became pregnant the first time, we seemed to have a real sense of "Wow, it's just me and you!" because his parents were elderly and lived abroad, my mom is pretty set on not leaving her house ever and is out of state, my dad is in another state as well, and not someone I'd trust to be responsible or follow our wishes on how to raise/discipline anyway. We are a tight team and we are very good with communication skills, because we have to be. I sometimes get a little jealous at how other people have an extended family support system, especially around the holidays, but in general, what we have works well for us! I'd love if my mom was around or would at least visit. We tell her it's so much easier for us to pay for her dog's boarding and to buy 1 ticket for her to come here, than for us to buy 4 tickets to go there. But whatever. That's her. I feel less jealous of people with family around when I hear all the drama, stress, or when my own mom and I are getting on each others' nerves. :)
How do we cope? I joined a MOPS club and found a babysitter through a friend I met there. I made friends with a mom at one of my son's soccer games and after hanging out with her awhile, we started having playdates, joint activities, etc. Then we started a sitter swap. I'll have date night one weekend and she'll watch my 2 boys (ages 5 and 2) at no charge (for an agreed-upon time frame of 4 hours). We figured 4 hours is a standard dinner and a movie kind of thing (or going to a play, concert, whatever) and whatever can be done around that timeframe. Then when her husband's home, I will take her 2 boys (ages 5 and 2) at no charge so they can do have a date! Anything that's going to be later than 10:30, or longer than 4 hours, we just hire a sitter so we don't feel bad.

I work full time, and DH is studying for the bar exam. We are fortuneate enough to have my parents providing part time care for DS. Initially the responsibility was shared by my hubs, then the manny, and now daycare. DS absolutely adores his grandfather.

Because they shoulder part time day care during the working week, we are loathe to ask them for any "extra." For entertainment, we are lucky enough to have friends who are willing to come over to ours in the evenings. They arrive at 7, DS goes to sleep at 8, our friends leave at 9:30/10ish. Weekend outings or meals out, are done with DS in tow. "Date nights" are special meals at home, a movie, a board game, or other fun. Neither of us feels any worse for it because we don't rely on "date nights" for our entertainment or adult interaction. We get out and spend much of our day in the grown up working world.

At first we were a bit at odds with some of my parents' techniques, but with time, we've come to let it go. DS is highly adaptable. He knows that what he can get away with at grandma and grandpas doesn't fly with us. He is well loved, and well supervised, and that's about all we can ask for.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

We are pretty much the same. My mom and I have strained relationship but I still try to be peaceful and want her to have a relationship w/ my kids. But she works, and does things constantly for my sisters and their kids. She she's really not available to help. His mom also works and spends a huge majority of her free time w/ his sister and her family. And it's fine that way. We are actually getting relocated soon a few hours away and my husnabd kept saying he feels bad I'll have no help w/ the kids....ha ha ha! I very rarely ever get help! A few months back he got called out of town for nearly 3 weeks, I did not get ONE single break from my kids. It's really hard sometimes, but they won't be little forever.

And I agree, I love the fact that WE are raising our kids and I don't have to hear a bunch of unwanted advice and input. My 2 little ones have been quite a challenge but I'm making it. And the four year old has made HUGE advancements and makes me so proud every day!And my husband and I get along 99% of the time. And at worse we get annoyed w/ each other. We hardly ever fight! So maybe thats the key :)

I know what you mean. My husband's parents passed away years ago and his only sister lives on another continent. I have no family nearby either. My parents moved 2 states away a few years ago, and even before that, we lived several hours away from them. The kids see their grandparents maybe once or twice per year. I'd give anything to live closer to family, and to be able to rely on someone besides ourselves to help us out every now and then.

What we HAVE been able to do is create our own "extended family" from our friends! We have several families we are close to (our kids are close enough in age, and we like the parents a lot), and every so often we will trade kids for a weekend so the other parents have a chance to get away on their own. Of course, due to everyone's busy schedule, it's hard to plan these weekends, but when we're able to, it's just wonderful.

I hope people who have family living nearby realize how good they have it. I know it can be tough dealing with a "monster-in-law" ;) but just imagine how it is for those of us who have NOBODY to rely on, ever!

I am a single middleage woman with one child who I adopted, placed with me at 3 weeks old. I am at least 3.5 hours from all of my family and my mother passed away years ago. I thought I would be ok doing this by myself but I couldn't have been more wrong.
My mom was single for 10 years while she raised my brother and I, going to school, buying a home, she made it look easy, and even though she told me how hard it was I didn't believe her until now.

I do ok on my own but am lucky enough to have friends/colleagues who have all had children in the last three years. We are passing clothes, having play dates and they have been generous enough to babysit for me on the evenings I have to work (about once a month). I still get babysitters, I don't want to take advantage. If I had to do it over again I would because my little boy is my world and my joy, but It would be SO much less stress if I at least had a partner, let alone extended family in my area. I'm having to resort to Care.com, which scares me to death. It would be easier to have people I know in trust. I miss my mommy lol!

Extended family? You're kidding right? There are a lot of days that I wish we weren't an exented family. I will admit there are times MIL is a huge help...Need an instant loan, need someone home to wait for the oil man, need someone to get our son off the bus, etc. However; sometimes it's better to have no help than too much help or the wrong type of help. Both my parents are dead and hubby's family is very different from the one I grew up with. When you have an extended family, you trade off the values you grew up with for help in the house. In the family I grew up in we all ate our meals at set times, (Breakfast as soon as you get up and don't even think about getting up any later than 9:00AM....lunch at 12:00PM....dinner at 4:30PM.... snacks anytime you want.) Mom never made a completely different meal for one person who doesn't like the menu, (If you don't like beans,then you just ate around them.) toilet lid must always be down or Dad would yell, ("things can fall in there and ruin the septic") it's ok to be early for something but NEVER be late, (Doesn't matter if the organizer is always late.) you wear your new clothes you just opened up on Christmas day to show you like them, there's the refrigerator...get your own drink your mom is not your waiter, clean your own room your mom is not your personal maid...be polite and curtious to your family and guests, there is no "mom alarm" until you try to do it yourself and can't, everyone has to learn how to cook, treat and respect pets like you'd like to be treated, respect wild animals and nature, don't even think about littering, (especially since your not a cat) you help your mom clean the house no matter what age you are, etc. The family I married into is sooooo different! If the kid doesn't like the food, you have to make something totally different...it's like working in a restaurant! MIL drops what she's doing to run and get our son and hubby whatever they ask for. (Come on...hubby's standing right by the frige.) They get up late!!! (Not good when you've grown up in the country and as a military brat.) Everyone eats their meals at different times, because MIL counts the number of hours between each meal and that is when you eat. (If they get up late...lunch is late....Forget that...I'm starving so I make my own meals.) They don't snack and complain about being too thin...I wonder why they are underweight? They leave the toilet lid up and hubby leaves the seat up. They are all afraid of a trash can. MIL taught my son it's ok to be late....I get a heart attack everytime we have to be somewhere. I can't wear my new Christmas clothes, because they have to be washed first. :( MIL does do the breakfast and lunch dishes, but makes a ton of super dishes for me to do, even if my son and I order a take out dinner. She does clean, but it never looks clean. It's partially because the house is old, but also because....her cooking is extremely greasy and she doesn't use any cleaning products or warm/hot water...She just uses cold water. My son won't eat sandwiches, German food, or any Italian food other than pizza because MIL told said, "Umf, Americans eat sandwiches and chips for lunch...that's why they're fat"...."That food looks like you're eating someone's puke."..."Germans don't know how to make good food." Bottom line....You might want to be thankful for having no help, so you can do things how you want to do them.

My in-laws live overseas, and are elderly. My parents live a 7 hour drive away. Luckily, my husband has a good job, so we do hire a sitter from time to time so we can go out just the two of us. And my sister is a 2 1/2 hour drive away--she is more than happy to take our kids, so we have gone away a few times, knowing our kids were safe and happy with her. My husband was just offered a job in Boston--I did tell him that, if we move up there, we will NEVER go away, because we'd have to fly to my sister's first to drop off the kids, then go wherever we were planning to go. Having said that, I have a good friend who moved to my area from Chicago a few years ago. She really reaches out to others for help with her kids, and not in an overbearing or burdensome way. She is always more than willing, and offering, to take others' children. I know she has gone away with her husband overnight, while her kids stayed with a neighbor. So she has taught me that it is possible, and not to be afraid to ask to switch off with another family you trust. Now...just to FIND that family once we move!!!

We live half way across the country from family. We are military, so we've lived this way for 15+ years. It is hard, but we all make a huge effort to see everybody. My in-laws always come for Thanksgiving and Christmas if we don't travel "home". We usually go home for Christmas. My mom always comes out for Spring Break and in the summer. We usually travel home in the summer, too.

I talk on the phone to my mom and sisters daily. We talk to my in-laws several times a week. We skype and send lots of pictures/videos over email.

It would be nice to have someone closer for day-to-day stuff, but we manage.