People Took Chores the Wrongway Always Wanted Something to Do When She Came Over

Hi M.,

You have asked this question three times now, and it seems you weren't happy with any of the previous answers.

I did take the time to look at your previous posts. No disrespect intended, but it was really very difficult to follow. Lack of punctuation or paragraphs and vague pronouns make it VERY hard to read.

All that said, I think there's more to this than just what you wrote. Somehow, people's feelings have been deeply hurt along the way and everyone is acting defensive toward each other. Perhaps talking to a counselor about your family situation-- someone who you could lay out all the intricacies and nuances to-- would help you sort this out. For myself, reading what I could understand of your post, it seems no one is completely in the right or 100% in the wrong, either. And we don't understand the whole situation-- we are only hearing your perspective.

I hope you can find the help you are seeking. It sounds like a very sad situation all the way around.

How about you invite your daughter and her husband out for coffee (it's on you)?
Starbucks or some other little bistro.
It's a neutral place - not your home or their's.
It's quick - can be only 30 min.
You are not all trapped together for a whole meal.
Keep the conversation light and airy.
If all goes well, then ask if occasional get together s like this one can be once a month or once every few weeks.
Then let it go on for awhile - for a year or so - so everyone gets comfortable with each other.
I don't know why they are so cautious but if you take it slow and don't push, you should be able to have a relaxed on-gong relationship with them.

If they don't want to - you can't force them - you'll have to find others to socialize with.

M.:

All of your questions so far have been about what YOU want. You have received a ton of answers to each of your questions. Have you reflected on any of those answers given to you?

IF you want a relationship with your son-in-law, YOU need to put work into it. He does NOT need to bow to you. He should show you respect and be cordial, but he does NOT have to bow your needs.

Is it possible that he doesn't want to be around you because you turn into YOU, YOUR needs, YOUR wants, YOUR desires? What about what HE wants? What about what YOUR DAUGHTER wants?

Communication is key. You need to set up a time in a neutral setting - like a local restaurant - and meet up. Don't get in his face. Get to know him. Let him get to know you.

**THIS** question is confusing. You gave your son-in-law work to do when he came over as he didn't want to sit and talk or you gave them to your daughter?

Your daughter, I will assume, is a grown W. and an adult, she doesn't NEED to do chores when she comes to your home to visit. She can help around the house - I know when my husband and I fly to California to spend time with my parents, we do stuff to help them out. But it is NOT expected.

Guess you need to set your expectations and communicate your wants. But remember, it's NOT all about you. You have to put something in the relationship and you have to get to know him as well.

Best of luck to you!

You didn't talk to your daughter after she chose to be with this person, after they had been together for THREE years. You treated them badly. Why would they be in a rush to spend time with you? Having kids does NOT make them beholden to you, especially if you don't treat them well.

Why is it such a surprise that they are not interested?

How about invite them out to dinner? Maybe having it on neutral territory would make it easier for them to accept the invitation.

Is her husband shy, introverted, or have social anxiety?

Some of us dont have that much in common with our parents or our kids and dont really "enjoy" the company. Why force it?

I looked over your last couple of posts. I am not sure a lot of people understand how painful this feels for you. But if you want some relationship then in this case you need to just start making yourself available. Perhaps visit, once or twice or a million times. And since they can't handle feelings at this point, then make those light visits. It seems like your husband has the 'ole boy' approach, "let's do projects together' and son in law doesn't get that, perhaps not raised that way. I am totally able to understand your pain and it sounds like you are trying everywhichway to figure out what to do. And sometimes to get what we want, (which in this case is your relationship with her/them) then we have to overextend ourselves against our own wishes. But the payback can be big. So think about it. Keep trying. Never give up. I know you love your daughter and want to get past the pain.