Seriously. What have I gotten myself into?
I met this Mom over the summer who "seemed" to be a nice person. Her daughter seemed ok as well and my daughter and her are/ were friends...I don't know.
Little blips here and there have come up -- some anger management issues for sure with both Mother & daughter.
Everything was fine over the summer. Went back and forth between our homes every day.
School started and things started to change. The Mom became the biggest complainer I have ever met. Everything is wrong. Wrong teacher, wrong kids in the class, wrong desk arrangements, wrong art projects at school, wrong policies, etc. This Mom breaks into tears easily because she has little ability to control herself. She only sees things HER way and that's it. She has totally morphed into a semi-helicopter parent to her daughter as well.
So what I now realize is that the daughter has become a mini-Mom. She behaves the same way. If she doesn't get her way, she breaks down and starts to cry and throw a tantrum. Water spilled on a book = a tantrum. This girl is 10. If my daughter plays with someone else at recess, she will get the silent treatment from this girl. In turn, this girl will "punish" my daughter by going to the library during recess and not playing with her. Mind games. When my daughter confronts this girl to talk, the girl clams up and shrugs. This has been happening more and MORE.
I am really drained and tired of this behavior. The stress that this situation has created is becoming more than I can handle.
I am angry with myself for allowing this Mom to have become a friend of mine that I have invested time in rather than just a Mom of my daughter's friend. I feel so used. I have recently realized that everybody else already knows how psycho this Mom is and they avoid her at all costs. I must have looked so stupid at this Xmas party we went to recently sitting at the same table with her -- and she didn't even really talk to me -- spent the entire time talking to someone at the table next to us. After the party she unloads a major complaint about a guest that recently stayed with them at their home -- how much complaining can I handle!? Then her daughter has a meltdown because the party was so over-stimulating and the tears start rolling out......UGH!!!!!!!!! I thought the party was boring and could have used some drinks.
I feel bad for my daughter, too. She doesn't deserve this either....but she doesn't understand. I am trying to help her extricate herself. She is so confused and doesn't understand what she has done wrong. Friends share friends. Friends don't ignore good friends to teach them a lesson. *sigh* Even DH has piped up about the situation. If this Mom complains about everyone and everything else, when is it going to be my turn? It's like walking around on eggshells with her. Her own sisters have even cut off contact with her -- which I could never understand -- but, now I do! Silly me for feeling bad for her!
Man, that family has issues. Did I mention that I have high blood pressure now? This isn't helping. What do I do?
Well....it is Winter break and we haven't heard from them once! I think we are being avoided because that's the way they are. My daughter doesn't understand and neither do I. I haven't done anything wrong or said anything mean about this Mom or her daughter to anyone else among my peers. My daughter has done the same and she doesn't understand.
I wish I could feel more empathy toward this Mom and her daughter but......no. This Mom is older than me and acts like a child, not taking responsibility for her actions and feelings. I cannot change her. But maybe she will eventually realize that she is throwing away something that really was wonderful. Or maybe she's just too into herself to care.
Life is short. I will not let myself feel guilty if I can help it. I will also promise to speak up carefully with her if the moment allows for that. She has absolutely nothing to call me out on because I am such a neutral person. Whether or not my daughter has provided all the details of this odd situation -- I don't know. I will let her figure it out.
Now what do I do? We made Holiday treats to give them......and I am not sure if we should deliver them.....
I forgot to mention that I ran into the Mom last weekend and we chatted for a few minutes -- and then she proceeded to answer her cell phone and started chatting away as if I didn't exist.... *sigh* How rude. Hit decline and call back later!
What you do is tell her it isn't working out.
Just wanted to point out that is not passive aggressive behavior, it is annoying and worth ending the friendship but not passive aggressive.
Okay you will probably not find this funny but I do, you are looking for a passive aggressive way to end the friendship. Don't do it, just tell her the truth and end it.
My therapist says that you don't have to answer when crazy calls. Don't answer. Extricate yourself from her and her daughter. If you don't answer crazy then your daughter will eventually follow suit as well.
Be loving and supportive for your daughter and keep explaining to her the right way to treat friends. It'll all work out.
Be the best example you can be for your daughter. Remove yourself from this "friendship" and start distancing yourself. Teach your daughter about real friends. Real friends don't do the silent treatment and play mind games. Teach her some skills on what to do if the girl does it again----Hang in there! But I would get out of contact with the lady before she stabs you in the back.
M
Just like the other girl is taking HER mom's lead..... your daughter is taking YOUR lead. So, lead her away. Far, far away.
You said your daughter doesn't "deserve" this. Then teach her not to stick around and be an outlet for someone elses issues. YOU are taking this personally. And so you are teaching your daughter to take it personally.
This is actually not something to get upset about. at. all. Teach your daughter to spend her time and energy on and with people who treat her well. Silent treatment at lunch? So, what? Girl plays with someone else? GREAT.
You say your daughter is confronting her? Why? Are you trying to teach her that people will change and be who you want them to be? THEY WON'T. You're setting her up for being a nag of a wife who takes it personally when her hubby doesn't treat her right. INSTEAD - teach her to find a guy who DOES treat her right and to walk away swiftly and without feeling bad from anyone who doesn't treat her right.
Just my $0.02
Just get away from that wacky pair. Maybe you could send them a DVD of Grey Gardens so they can see themselves 40 years hence.
Meantime do not be available during winter break. Once school starts have your daughter ignore the other girl Tell her the truth about the abnormal level of behavior in the mother and daughter. Reassure her that you love her.
The solution is simple - STAY AWAY from them !
What benefits is this bringing to you ? Don't ruin your mental peace by surrounding yourself with people who are a huge source of stress !!!!
Talk to them & then take a step back i'd say. Advise your daughter to do the same. They might have personal issues... it is best if you distract yourself and find ways to ease out your mind too :)
All the best !!
Now is when you decide that while you are not in control of her, you are in control of your response to her. Keep in mind that she is a sad, pathetic woman, and then just let go. LET GO. She isn't your problem, and you can move on.
Stay calm, keep breathing when you are around her, keeping in mind what a mess she has made of her life, and what a great life you have.
Maybe even tell your daughter, "I've decided not to be friends with Drama Mama anymore. She isn't very nice to me, and she isn't fun to be around. I don't think she even cares about me as a person." Then model how you do that, calmly and with maturity, and she may be able to do the same with Drama Daughter.
I really don't get any of this complaining your doing...
The girls are 10, right?
Make sure your daughter knows that MANY people will come into and out of her life over time. Some she will like, some she will not. Some will be lifelong friends, some acquaintances, some merely a name with a face. And that's OK. Maybe she's waiting to hear that it's OK for her to cut this girl loose.
Could the school counselor help? Or a teacher? My son had a "stalker type" friend in his class last year. HAD to sit beside my son, HAD to be with him in line, HAD to be his partner for everything. I was hearing about this kid every. single. day. and it was driving us ALL nuts! Eventually, I had to bring it to the teacher's attention. He talked to both boys. He established that they did, indeed "like" each other, but as he explained it to them, he loves his wife, but he needs a little space sometimes. Guess what? They're in the same class again this year and it's been FINE.
As for the mom, I don't think I'd pay her the time of day any longer. A "hello", "how are you" in passing.....MAYBE she'll get it eventually, maybe not...who knows. But I wouldn't waste any more of my energy or time on her (after ignoring you at a party like that).
Some people are just train wrecks. Stay clear!
Honestly, if this was my daughter suffering this as well as me, I'd explain to her factually how the mom and daughter are not acting well when they do it, and tell her that you're going to start "not being the mom's friend". You'll still be cordial when you see her, and maybe wean off with a few more visits WIDELY SPACED and kept short before final cut off, but you can't have a friend who acts like this. Set the example. But DON'T complain and THEN still be friends, because that sets a terrible example of 1) being a captive friend and 2) gossiping. (let your daughter vent all she needs to, but as an adult, action is a better example tan griping). Then support your daughter in doing the same about distancing from the daughter.
Kids can distance themselves at this age. I know two girls, now 13, but they started to "not be friends" around 10 after sort of growing up together. The tougher of the two girls just couldn't deal with the more immature one. The moms also had issues. The girls are distant acquaintances now, not hostile, and everyone is better off.
And don't beat yourself up about the friendship. I've had LOTS of crazy friends. It takes time to see that crazy people are crazy. They seem nice at first. The important thing is letting them go when you realize it by whatever means you can because they WILL SUCK YOUR LIFE FORCE. Good luck!
My granddaughter (9) has a friend (11) who is this same way. I have taught my granddaughter empathy - feel sorry for her, not angry at her. Let your daughter know that these are the friend's problems, not hers and that she should not stress on the fact that friend is not talking to her today. Just move on with other friends. Tomorrow will be a different story - all will be well again. When/if your daughter finally gets tired of the drama, she will move on permanently. I just say to my granddaughter I am sorry if she hurt your feelings, but you know how X is; she'll be over shortly and all will be fine. And sure enough that's exactly what happens.
As I began reading this my initial thoughts were "oh man poor girl" Then I read that you pull away cause others say she is a psycho woman. Has this woman been so bad to you? or is she just complaining? Do you have to be yet another cruel person to her? There is an obvious reason you became friends. I feel kind bad for the other woman now. She might need some help.
With that said. Its understandable your upset with her and the kid. I feel though you dislike the kid rather than her. So time to buck up, tell her how you feel. Dont dance around. She may not have had anyone do this before. Be blunt but nice. See what it gets you! If she wants to stay friends she may change her ways, if she doesnt then oh well. I dont get why so many people think other styles of parenting is wrong. If she is not physically or mentally abusing her child. Then its her way and not yours. You dont need to stick your nose there.
I would think this mom is already complaining about you too, you just haven't heard it yet. I would start to distance yourself and your daughter from them. I would not have hung around this long. Not saying I am perfect but I don't like to be around such negative people (I have enough in my family and don't need more).
It's a great opportunity to teach about boundaries . . . I'd read up on the topic and have discussions with daughter about it.
You guys will laugh about this 10 years from now.
I would be thankful that my daughter doesn't have to live that way.
Do what the others do. Avoid, become busy, get your daughter busy, (tell her why), and DON'T FEEL GUILTY!
Let me repeat that DON'T FEEL GUILTY!
You are not responsible for her or her daughter.
Be prepared for the backlash and prepare your daughter.
