Refer to my previous post as far as details. BUT I have a very hard time confronting my husband as me crying irritates him as it is. And hejust thinks I am dramatic. I will admit I am very emotional but I think calling your wife names and threatening to punch her (wether you do it or not) is wayy more dramatic than crying and it is also VERY un-necessary. Anyway I have been needing and trying to plan on how I am going to say "Look you either take anger management or I cannot continue to live like this" but again this guy has anger problems and is very black or white about things it has been hard for me to do this. Would it be totally stupid to write him a heart felt letter? I personally think it would be easier for me to let it all out and he seems to deal better with reading something then responding via text. I suppose it gives him a moment to think about things rather than lashing out like he does face to face. I dont want to do this through text but I do fee more comfortable doing it with a hand written letter. Is this a stupid idea?
*In response to reading it to him...I think it would be the same as if I was talking to him. I would still get emotional and he would still react wether it be yell, facial gestures (rolling eyes), or grunting etc... like he does when he doesnt agree.
And yes I definitely plan on getting counseling for this, past and childhood experiences.
Honestly I think you need to find a way to control your emotions so that you can confront him in a strong and determined way. Ultimatums given while crying are not going to work. You will not be taken serioiusly. So if you cannot find your strength to do this yourself you need to get yourself to a counselor or pastor or even an abused women's shelter to talk to someone who can help you with this.
I just wat to clarify something for you. Anger management is ONE thing, and it has a lot to do with impulse control and centering yourself and finding the root cause- whether it be biological, due to being abused as a child, stress, etc... BUT threatening to punch your wife is beyond that. THAT thought is one of its own. Having anger problems does not create that thought, but it has probably made it more prevalent. So, to me, there are TWO separate things going on here, just one was helped by the other.
I have a book, When Anger Hurts. I lent it to a friend. It totally changed her life, literally- no exaggeration. She is a 100% happier person. She had problems with her marriage before- big issues similar to what you describe.
I think the letter is a very good idea. You could do like I did and type it on the computer first. Then come back and reread it, just to be sure you said what you intended. You can add and delete that way.
I would suggest that you state in some way that you don't necessarily need him to agree with how you feel but rather than he at least hear and understand what you are saying.
Counceling will teach you so many skills. You're husband won't like it, nor will he like you anymore once you gain the skills that will empower you to recognize what a jerk he is.
Can this marriage be saved? If he was ever Prince Charming and something happened to make him change then maybe. But otherwise if he always had this in him then probably not.
Learning new skills will help you stand on your own two feet and make it easier for you to move on from this relationship and not make the same mistakes again.
Personally, If it were me and I can't get through to my husband or any understanding from him (this is what I am hearing has happened in the past) I would pack up and leave. Actions speak louder than words. No one should live in fear of speaking to their spouse and no one should be threatened by a spouse. This is NOT love. Get counseling for yourself immediately. Surround yourself with support (church, family) and if he is a "real" man he will get some help too and fight for his family.
Yes in writing, but no, NEVER in text. Texting is for quick logistical messages ("pls pick up milk" or "on my way"), not for real relationship issues.
Write him a letter or type it and either print it out or send it via e-mail. My husband and I have worked out many issues in writing because when I talk to him, he chooses to re-interpret everything I say and not actually hear what I'm saying. In writing, I can say "no, that isn't what I wrote it's right here..." We have an ongoing problem where he lives in an alternate reality from the rest of us and sometimes we need a 3rd party to reinforce that no, I'm not attacking him all the time, so having things in writing helps with counseling too.
I like working things out in writing - it gives each party time to read, digest and respond outside of the heat of the moment. It also puts the one with weaker communication skills (which sounds like you in your scenario) on even ground by not having to fight off emotion or struggle to put feelings into words during a live discussion.
What about writing a letter and reading it to him? I think you also need to find support for yourself, regardless of his actions.
No one should live their entire life unhappy.
Is it you, or is it him making you feel that way?
Either way, you need to seek counsel for your current problem, read some books. Hang around with some couple friends that appear to have healthy relationships, sometimes they can rub off on you.
You've got to do some different or you will continue the way you are. Change comes from within ourselves.
A letter might work. I wrote one to my parents when I didn't feel that they were listening to what I said. For my husband (I responded to your other note note where my hubby went on medication for mood & anxiety) I just made arrangements to spend the night elsewhere. I told him that I didn't feel safe coming home and I left my phone at work so that he could not track or communicate with me. To me, the time for communication was over. He would either get angry or make temporary changes to appease me.. I had to be strong. I didn't expect to ever return. However, for me, hope springs eternal and with counseling for the both of us, counseling for him separately, and psychiatric care, we are back together.
I do think it is best to leave him alone with his thoughts be it by letter or some time apart. The time for crying is over. You have to be strong. When he sees your resolve, he will know that it is not about dramatics. Like others have said, actions speak louder than words. Remember, if you leave for dramatic flair to manipulate him into counseling, he will figure it out. If you leave don't come back until he has proven himself. Stay strong!
Yes letters are great for men who are difficult to talk to- more their type of communication- just be very careful how you word everything. Think about what type of communication he responds well to- not whiney and overly emotional nor completely accusatory. Write a smart honest factulal and effective letter that he can think about and turn over in his mind while you are not around.
And why haven't you started counseling yet? You are being a victim and clinging to the situation- take control. Act. No more excuses - you need to start this week please. There are two of you here that have to start something not just one! For you, not just for your marriage. At this stage I almost say who cares abt how that guy (not the word I'd like to use to refer to him) feels anyway! I'm not being mean- just honest tough love!
I think that you should just STOP. Don't say anything to him that you don't have to. Sometimes we need to just shut up and get our bearings. He can't hear you because everything you say sounds the same. If you are just a bumbling mess all the time, then why should it look or sound different to him when you're REALLY upset? Then, you get louder and louder to be heard, and the louder you get, the more he tunes you out, so the louder you get. The only way to get off this cycle is to STOP right where you are. Before you say another word to him, go to counseling and process your thoughts there. Get validation and tools so you can feel more confident. This is not about him. This is about how YOU communicate with him.
On one hand I like the idea of a letter. On the other hand, it scares me that he could put his own emotional spin on the contents as he reads and re-reads it, potentially becoming more and more angry about it. Only you know if he's the kind of person who festers or would replay it over and over as he built up explosive anger.
I tend to think if you're to the point of giving this type of ultimatium and have a husband who has so little respect for you that you can't share your concerns verbally at all that you are really already know the answer to your ultimatum. Please contact a women's shelter hotline for advice on how to most safely navigate this situation.
