Parenting

I love your question, Carrie. I have had to deal with similar issues as a family child care provider for 16 years. What a challenge! You mentioned that you want to meet their needs. I"m assuming that you already are doing that and its their wants that make them vie for your attention? Use "I" messages to teach them to make their requests in a respectful way. You might want to try saying (calmly, after a deep breath) "I feel confused when you all talk at once. I want to hear Jenny first, then Tracy, then Matt. I want to hear what each of you has to say and I can only hear you if you take turns talking. Or this. "I"ll figure that out as soon as I am done changing the baby. (if they ask again) "I'm asking you nicely to wait and I will listen to you." Also, be sure to take the time to teach them not to yell at people (including parents) by identifying their behavior "That's yelling" and making it so that simply doesn't work. "I don't answer yelling. I'm speaking to you nicely and I expect to hear the same from you. When I hear that I will be happy to help you deal with your problem." Those words model a very important skill which is setting boundaries for yourself. I know that sometimes it can just get to you and you will end up angry and yelling. Happens to every good nurturing person who cares for children. In that case, I just say, "I"m angry and I'm going to wait a few minutes to calm myself down and then we will deal with this problem." That buys some time, hopefully, and gives the example of identifying your own feelings and making a conscious decision to handle them in a healthy way. Good luck and do something fun every chance you get! You probably won't regret it.

Not knowing how old they are, it's tough to give better advice. However, here is what I do with my 5 & 7 yo boys...

When we get home from work/daycare, I get the first 5 minutes to myself (take my coat off, go through mail, etc.) and they get to do whatever they want (play, cartoons, etc.) Then, we set the timer for 15 minutes. During that 15 minutes, one of them has my full attention...doing homework, playing a game, etc. The next 15 minutes I use to get dinner together/started while they do something. Then the other boy gets his 15 minutes of Mom time. Then we have dinner. WHEW! Then it starts over again...Cleanup dinner/me time for 15, #1 Mom time, Me time/bills or whatever, #2 Mom time...then it's time for pj's, hugs n kisses, and good night. (Then Daddy gets Mom time. :) )

Obviously, if you want to try this, you'll have to adjust for the ages and needs of each child, but it seems to work pretty well for us...as long as each knows they will have SOME time with you, it will make it easier...

Good luck!

Don't worry about feelings. Before long they'll learn it's okay to emotionally and verbally manipulate you and you'll pay big-time when they're older.

Also, you're not doing them any favors letting them do this to you. They are not learning how to be reasonably respectful to those in authority and it's just plain bad manners.

I'd refuse to respond to any of them, and explain you won't address any one of them until they wait their turn to ask you a question or tell you something. Explain they need to learn to take turns when it comes to asking questions or communicating with you.

If they can't learn to be good listeners, patient, and respectful of you and their siblings, they're going interupt others during conversations and whatnot away from home with others.

Since they are so young, maybe play a game such as "Captain May I" or "Red Light, Green Light"...or invent your own game such as "customer service desk" where they take numbers to do an activity (something silly...a new twist on Captain May I) teach them the concept of waiting.

There is also a new line of games that teach manners and other important skills for toddlers at Target. I can't remember what they're called, but they're in the educational toy aisle and have a section of their own.

The games will also serve as a way to spend some quality time with them.

As the other poster suggested, pick a day or time for each child to do something special and with them alone. While the younger ones nap, maybe play with the 3 year-old for a while. On Thursdays after school, take the 6 year-old to the library when dad can watch the other two...for example. Whatever you think he'd enjoy and would allow some bonding time.

As a parent, no matter how many kids you have, you will at some point hurt your kids feelings, or not meet their needs or requests the second that they have them. It is just not humanly possible to do so. Nor would it be good for them to think that anytime they have a need or a want that it gets met immediately, real life is just not that way.

It is a real good idea to teach the older ones to not yell and treat you with respect and to wait if they see you are busy with a younger child. Or maybe even teach them to help you at times as appropriate with the younger ones so that you can get to their needs more quickly.

Maybe a way to get some one on one time with each of them is to stagger the bedtimes or naptimes, younger ones in first, and let the older ones stay up a little later for one on one time with mom with no interruptions.

Another thing I do, is take the kids to the store with me one at a time. I enjoy this, because we get great one on one time, and it is something that they look forward to doing.

Also, each time you have this figured out, life will happen, and you will have to change or adjust. Being a mom is a huge lesson in patience and flexibility, so don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you are trying to be supermom, and the secret is, you still are supermom even if your kids don't always think so.

Just be honest and teach them manners at the same time. Tell them that you are talking and they need to wait their turn. Try to give each their own special alone time. It could be a simple as reading a book to one of them or playing a game. It could be taking one out for icecream, etc etc.