Parental Alienation

Wow..

Many families go through this. That doesn't mean the woman has any mental issues. Other than control issues.

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

YIKES!!! Sounds like you have a spineless soon-to-be-ex-husband who has allowed a W. to come into his life and take over.

If you can record the threats - that might help you.

Get your kids into therapy. NOW. As well as yourself. You will need help getting through this. I can't imagine how hard this will be.

What type of W. would do this? Apparently - HER TYPE. Narcissistic? Controlling? The kind who wants your life...and is getting it. I don't know the "label" to put on this or this behavior. However, it sounds like you are better off without your husband.

You need a GOOD attorney. Do NOT go in to court without one. The judge is not going to tell you what kind of expert to testify, that's what a lawyer is for.

I would also stress to your children that you love them. DO NOT bring them into "adult" issues. and **THIS** is an adult issue. DO NOT make them take sides.

I would NOT allow them to see your pain. Smile. However fake it might be. Don't cry in front of them. Be nice. Be polite. Do NOT stoop to their level. Stay matter-of-fact. As hard as this will be, you need to do it. Don't let them see you sweat. I am truly sorry you are going through this. Keep going. Don't lose sight of the end goal - healthy children.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Sorry, this is not psychosis. But just plain selfish and self centered. Sounds like she's fixated and determined to have her own way and wants to take your way and or life away. She's not interested in the children obviously, but only in her own want.

You need a good lawyer who understands this situation and responds with the right words in court. You have a fight on your hands.

Sending you the best and prayers for peaceful solutions.

Sadly, I am sure the judge has seen (or heard) all about this before. No advice for you...just wanted to share the fact that you are not alone.

~My husband's EX told the kids that they must refer to their 'old dad' (my husband) as 'Mike' his first name and must now call her new husband (their stepdad and 'new dad') Dad. It hurt the kids the most b/c she would yell at them for calling their real Dad by Dad and not Mike. It was a sad situation all the way around. The boys were only 5 & 3 at the time too! Worse yet, she got remarried right away and when the kids were still adjusting to living in two different houses and having visitation time with their real Dad, the EX would send the new Dad to pick them up, the boys would cry and cry and truly didn't want to go with the stepdad...they just wanted to stay with their real daddy! Poor guys!

I'm glad you're venting about this here, because if you use this kind of language (she's mentally ill, etc.) in court in this tone -- the judge will hold it against you and view you as the one who is less than stable. You have to be calm and collected in court, now and for years to come, so be sure that your anger and hurt get worked out privately and never in front of a judge. The fact that you are trying to get a court-ordered psych evalution for her -- wow, that is a huge stretch. She's a complete jerk but that is not a mental condition that can be diagnosed. I'm not defending her or your ex, but I'm saying you have to ensure that what you write here is not how you sound in court.

Do you have a lawyer who represents you for your court appearances with your ex? You could really benefit from having an experienced attorney who is good at listening to you and then calming you and giving you a reality check so you don't charge into court angry and upset in front of a judge. That only gives your ex ammunition to claim that you are the one in the wrong. Be careful.

Don't try to label it as a mental disorder. Just tell the judge that she threatened your kids with spanking unless they call her "mom." The facts will speak for themselves. The judge will hear this and be horrified, assuming he/she is a good judge. If you start calling her all kinds of names and trying to label her as psychotic, you will look crazy as well. You need to seem like a calm, normal person, and make her, and him, look like the crazy ones. Just stick to the facts.

Don't get your feelings hurt -- your kids know who their mom is.

I haven't read the other responses.
From personal experience, you can not "diagnose" anyone in court. My ex actually has a diagnosis, but he denies it and his therapist is safely hidden behind bureaucratic red tape, so I am not allowed to even HINT that he's mentally ill in court. They say it's because I am not qualified to offer an opinion on mental illness. I get that....I mean, if anyone could make claims like that, none of us would be safe, and the courts wouldn't be fair. But it's really biting me in the butt right now. As far as calling an expert witness, it would have to be someone who had met and evaluated this woman personally. I don't see her agreeing to that.

But you can talk about how this woman is alienating your children. Just tell facts. That should be enough. Judges do'nt usually like jerks who use children.

As far as a psychological evaluation, this is what my Victim Witness Coordinator (assigned by the police station to victims of crimes, to help you know what is going on with the case) said. I really wanted a psych eval on my ex, but unless it's court-ordered, BOTH parents have to undergo a psych eval. They're expensive, but I was perfectly willing to do it if it meant getting away from my psycho ex. However, she warned me that the crazy person is usually told by their lawyer how to circumvent the process. All they have to do is pretend to agree, and call and make an appointment for the evaluation. So the non-crazy spouse makes their own appointment, and everything looks like it's going well. But then the crazy spouse calls to cancel their appointment, saying something came up and they will reschedule. So the non-crazy spouse goes and gets their evaluation done in good faith, but the crazy one just never goes.

And now the crazy one has all sorts of ammunition against the sane spouse, because EVERYONE has issues, whether it be depression from living with a crazy person or divorce, or other things that are in the range of normal behavior. But in a psych eval, they tear you apart. That wouldn't be a problem if there were another psych eval to compare it to, but of course, the one who NEEDED a psych eval is the one who weaseled his way out of it.

It took me many months to wrap my head around how unfair the court system is. But make this woman look like a lunatic based on FACTS ONLY, and maybe you'll stand a chance.

There are plenty of names but none that should be mentioned in court.

I'm sorry you are in pain, but if you don't settle down and look after the best interest for YOU and your Children, your husband's attorney may be asking that you get a court ordered psych eval. Your emotional instability can also cause emotional damage/trauma to your children.

Your children should let their father know that they are not comfortable calling his girlfriend "mom". Most kids call the other person by their first names.

Remember this, the other woman did not betray you. Your husband betrayed you and chose another woman over you. He will probably live to regret it, but put the blame where it belongs. If she was married at the time, she betrayed her husband.

Vent all you want, to US, to your close friends who can be trusted, but don't get in court or in a mediation session and come out looking like a crazy woman. It won't be easy, that's what your attorney is for. Let him/her do the talking. Tell your attorney what you want and he/she will advise you what is reasonable and possible within the law.

If you feel your children are in trouble, then by all means get them some counselling.

This is upsetting but most judges are not into psychology and it won't help you to put a label on this behavior. If I were you, I'd simply document, in the most objective terms possible.

If you want to be heard in court, you will have to be calm and reasonable. Get a good attorney. And save yourself some money by finding a good therapist to support you through the process.

Therapist: $100/hour. Attorney: $250+ /hour.

Yes, your husband and his girlfriend have done damage and there is no easy "fix". Healing will take time and superhuman effort on your part. It's not fair but sometimes we have to fill the gaps for the selfish parent.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I was a mess through my separation and divorce but now, 2 1/2 years later I can tell you that my children and I are finding peace and emotional balance again.

I don't know that it can be called a psychosis, but she obviously is bound and determined to take over your husband's life, and he is obviously willing to allow it.

You have a bad fight on your hands - I hope you have a good lawyer and get a therapist to help your children. Once you have a divorce, if this woman marries your ex-husband, you will probably have to share these kids with her. Keep that in mind while you are dealing with this.

So sorry,
Dawn

I would think that if she is just the g/f, she has no legal anything to be signing anything about the children -- doesn't the school know who the parents are and whatever arrangements there are?

YOU are mom. You will always be mom. Your kids know you that way and don't know her as mom. They will also learn that she is pretty darn crazy, if she keeps up with her craziness.

With that being said, I would be careful to take care of your emotional reactions to this crazy woman. It's gonna be hard because you are emotionally charged by the divorce and you are dealing with an unpleasant stepmom. If I were you, I would consult a therapist ASAP. I would focus on taking care of you and your children. I've never been divorced before, but I can imagine that it's tough not to get fired up over these emotionally charged issues. I think a therapist can help you step back and become more objective so that you can handle the issues regarding your children in a thoughtful, constructive manner. If you don't get the help, I'm afraid that you might be heading down a path of HUGE emotional stress that will have a negative impact on you and your children. Make an appt with someone. They can guide you on what makes the most sense for you and your children.

Hi Mama! Welcome to the site! When I read about all the court stuff going on my heart broke for your kids. Please use the court only as last resort. Ongoing court dates and parents fighting is the number one indicator that a child will have emotional trouble in the aftermath of their parent's divorce. These are the kids that really struggle. My husand's first wife left him to hook up with a married man. My step daughter calls her stepdad "Daddy". It is hard and hurtful but my hubby let it go. I know you said the whack job woman in your kids life threatens spanking if they don't. Are you sure that is the case? Is there an outside chance your kids are saying that because they feel guilty for doing it so they have to say they were forced. Either way, your kids must really be hurting with all this conflict. I am so sorry you guys are going through this. I would try and move past this stage as fast as possible so the kids can regroup and heal. Hopefully your ex and his wackadoo have enough health to move past fighting and let the kids settle back into life.