Out of Control

I don't have any advise although something you said troubled me. You wrote "I stay home but I strongly believe in teaching my kids to be clean and hard working. My 5 year old keeps her room clean and helps maintain the house in order. Heck my 2 year old dropped her milk a few days ago at breakfast and she went and got a kitchen towel and cleaned it up. I didn't have to tell her anything." Are you saying since I don't stay at home that I can't teach my son to be clean and hard work? I learned this by staying home by myself. My mother worked and so did my grandfather,(my father left my mother before I was born) I wanted to feel independent growing up,I did chores without asking, I learned proper manners, although I am no finishing school student, I said "yes ma'am" and please". Now as a mother myself, even though I would love to stay home with my son, financially I can't. But as my son grows up we will instill the manners and things we grew up learning.
Your stepdaughter is just going through a phase, my cousin married into an instant family too. Her stepson wanted to go somewhere she wouldn't drive him and he went after her with a knife. That was the signal to go to counceling. Now he is 28 and has kids of his own, still talks to her everything seemed fine after councelling.

It doesn't matter that you aren't her mother. Any child of that age should respect their guardians, or adults. It is a difficult time in her life being a teenager, but she has got to learn some discipline and self control. And if her dad isn't helping out - then someone has to be the parent here. Yeah, she will hate you for now, but when she is older, she will appreciate the respect and dedication you showed her to being a better person. Ground her or take away privaleges if you have to. Where is this child's mother? If she is not helping then heck yes you are her mother. You are not asking anything unreasonable of this child other than to respect you, her father, and the house she lives in. You can't let a child dominate you as an adult, or they will eventually drive the people that love her the most away. Have you tried counseling?

I'm in your shoes - I find that consistency in expectations from me and her dad help alot. We have a house standard that the house has to meet before we leave it on Saturday. If my DH doesn't want to make my sdaughter clean, that's fine - he can do it for her. He did it for her twice, and then refused. So, as a family, we suffered house arrest for the weekend no phone no tv - which is infinitely more painful for a teenager than anyone else.

Now it's mostly a non issue. I don't pick up after her. She doesn't pick up after anyone but her.

I'd also recommend marriage counseling for you and your husband - the fact that you're considering leaving, giving your children the same set of circumstances and complexes your step daughter has now (an additional mom, two houses, two sets of rules) to me says there has to be some underlying structural issues in your marriage.

I am very much like you.

I have 3 children, two of whom are biologically mine and are very young: 2 years and 5 months. My other child is adopted and 15.

My 15 year old is difficult and argumentative at times, and he never wants to clean his room.

Truth be told, this is VERY common with teens. They are trying to establish their own identity, and they are very much focused on themselves. They lose interest in the home life, and could care less if their room is a mess. This is actually a helpful and necessary step on their way to seperating from their parents and becoming adults.

Grounding works wonders with these guys. For someone trying to discover themselves and spread their wings, nothing hurts more than being forced to stay home. Also,respect your daughter's boundaries, and make her respect yours. Tell her, "Look, I don't go into your room and take your things without asking. If you don't stop doing that to me, I'm going to start doing it to you." Then, if she takes something of yours without asking, you have every right to go and confiscate something of hers. I bet you won't have anything taken from your room ever again if you do that. It would be nice, though, if you let her use your things - with permission - every now and then.

No matter what you do, don't give up on your daughter. You've taught her about responsibility (she's just not demonstrating it at the moment) and you've taught her about love (you've taken her in as your own). Now you must show her that you won't run out on her when the going gets tough. If there's one lesson she *really* needs right now, that's it.

****added after reading some other responses:

It's amazing that some people would suggest that you go from not even raising your voice with this child to destroying your family over what is essentially a normal part of raising teenagers! Would you really be happier raising your two babies on your own, sending them to daddy on the weekends? What lesson do you want the teenager (a CHILD) to take away from her experiences with you? It's tough, but stick it through, Mama! You can do it! And all three of your children will be better off if you do.

It looks like I'm the one here who's situation really mirrors yours. I pray that you hear me and do not wreck your family.

Well, My advice doesnt come from experience from being in your shoes. My advice comes from experience being in your step-daughters shoes!!! I can tell you with 100% confidence that she is not going to respond to anything you do or say to her at this point in time.IN her eyes you are the horrible stepmother in all those fairy tales and you know what happens to her. Its the horrible ugly truth. IF you want things to change then you have got to get your husband to do all the heavy lifting.If you try to lay down rules she will only push harder against you. Lay things out for him and let him know how miserable you are and that you refuse to live this way, let him know what you want changed and explain why, then discuss a battle plan. I say battle plan and not game plan because this will be a battle, an all out power struggle between you and her, it will not be fun and there will not be a winner ( you will both have to make changes). You stand tall and proud beside him as he makes his demands and lets her know what is going to change. She will grow out of this phase and eventually learn that you are an authority figure because you are part of her father and he is her ultimate authority figure. If your husband is willing to step up to the plate then things will go fine but he can not back down once he has set the rules or she will come back with a vengance. Once she grows out of this teen-stage she will look back and most likely regret how she treated you but until then you have to be strong and try to think of things from her perspective as well as your own. Have you tried to imagine being in her shoes, ill tell you i was miserable as well as my step mother for a while. Now that i am 23 years old i love her to death. I call her Mom to this day and her and my father are divorced and dont even speak. I wish you good luck and hope that your husband can step up to the plate.

R.,
I completely understand what you are going through. I too was a step daughter although it wasnt me that ragged on my stepdad it was my sister. My advise to you is to tell your husband to step up. If he can't or won't tell your step daughter that you demand respect as an elder and as a step mom then you will just have to tell her yourself. Trust me if you dont say something nothing will change. Don't back down no matter what you do and don't let her walk all over you,tell you how its going to be and what you are suppose to do. My stepdad never gave up and I'm greatful that he didn't. My sister eventually came around...personally I think its an age thing too. But your husband is going to have to help too, shame on him for just sitting back. Hope this helps. If you need someone to talk to I'm here.
D.

You need to come up with some sort of a solution, propose it to your husband in private, see what he thinks and then sit down-all three of you-and explain to her the expectations of the house. No, you are not her "mother", but it is your house and she needs to respect you. But, you and your husband have to be in agreement about it before talking to her. If she sees you two as united, she will more likely comply. Right now she is dividing the two of you.
You are going to have to pick your battles with her too. Let her keep her room the way she wants it, but ask her to clean up dishes, etc that is in the main part of the house. Something I have learned recently is in a relationship, there is only one person you can change-yourself. Consider looking at things from a different perspective. Don't take your kids away from their dad because of her. She needs to know she is a part of your family, not the step-child. Plus, teenage years are hard even if they are your own children! I am sorry you are having to go through this, but you don't need to lose your family over it. Stay strong and positive!

Dear R.:

I went through the same thing with my husband's nephew that I tried to "save". My husband was like yours not seeing what was going and I myself was thinking about leaving but leaving him with our fours kids. Your situation is a little different because it is your husband's daughter. What i did when I tried to "forceing" my way on everyone for almost 2 years. Losing my hair, locking myself in the bedroom and just wanting to run. I finally took a "stand". Never retreat because then she wins. I do not know i you are a believer but I just started crying and praying to God. After I turned it over to him and backed off the situation. try this it may help: If she does not clean her room don't say a word but when she ask you to go to the mall say no or ask your dad when he comes home from work or call your dad at work. If her aunt's say things don't respond. It sounds like you are a good wife and mother and our wants are to want all our children succeed but remember you can love and by all means be nice because that is what God says to love our neigbors as we love ourselves. Maybe their family has never been shown true love so you show them that. Believe me when you husband starts having to deal with some of the weight of the house problems with his daughter he will see the light. It may take time so be patient. Let him take her to the doctors appointments and if she gets in trouble in school tell them to call your husband at work.

When I took off my hands and enjoyed life and allowed my husband to parent as well he sent his nephew home. She may not be able to go home but believe me the stress will be off you.

be strong my sister and "STAND"
Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who Strengthens me.

R.,
What a terribly stressful situation. I normally don't respond to very many of the request but having gone/going through a very tough time with my teenager I feel I have to answer. First, because of the dynamics of you being the "outsider" most of the discussion and boundaries are going to need to be set by the biological parent her father. See when children are that old they will not just accept you as an authority figure. I would have a very serious discussion with your husband and explain fact by fact that you are not going to sacrifice the well being of the other children and your peace and sanity for a 15 year old child. Name specific events like the taking of your perfume etc. Once he has decided to take charge he can make it clear to her that it is not alright to treat you poorly. Somewhere she has gotten the idea it is ok. What happened when she violated you like when she took the perfume? If nothing negative happened why should she change? Actually she was reinforced or encouraged to do it again if there was not a negative consequence. It is so important that we teach teenagers about consequences. So often we don't want to rock the boat or we over conpensate for their feelings. Bottom line, every thing we do has a consequence. Next time she uses the "you are not my mother" sword, I would acknowledge her and say you are correct I am you father's wife and I would appreciate if you would...pick up your towel as I want you to stay or live in a house you can be proud of. etc.

These are just a few ideas. I would be glad to talk to you more if you need an shoulder.

best wishes
S.